Conversations with My Killer
by Oracle Vas
Summary: To me, life was a heartbeat in time and a breath of air. Jasper showed me it was truth, justice, faith, love, and fear. He dared me to be different. He encouraged me to defy the rules of my world and create my own. And on my last day, he took it all.
1. Chapter 1 Camel Spit

**Disclaimer:  
I own nothing related to Twilight.**

**Author's Note:  
Alternative Universe. Characters are OOC. Not an All Human fic.**

**Like my other stories, Bella's POV will be limited to what she sees and hears. There are always other events going on that she and the reader are unaware of. **

**The physical rules of the vampire world remain, but I have taken liberties with history and other details to fit them to my story. Some of these will be made clear early on. Others will be revealed as the story plays out. **

**Enough with my chatter. I hope you enjoy the story, and thanks for reading.**

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**Conversations With My Killer  
**Chapter 1 - Camel Spit

My life was mapped out for me. It was simple and basic and exactly what I wanted it to be. I would marry Edward Cullen. He would change me into a vampire. We would live happily ever after. My nights were spent dreaming of the day I would become his forever. My days were spent wishing forever didn't require a wedding. It was his stipulation. It was my first real complaint about us.

I had met the Cullens in the winter of my junior year in high school. Falling in love with Edward was easy. Believing he loved me was difficult. It had all happened very fast. My life was ordinary one day, and on the next, I tripped and fell into a world of myth and magic. I hoped to continue to live in that world for the rest of my existence.

Edward's family was an anomaly in the world of vampires. They fed on animals. It wasn't something that happened naturally. Their instincts and their bodies thirsted for humans, but their souls demanded they abstain. It was a choice they made. They may have lost their humanity, but they maintained their love for the human race. I admired their strength and commitment. I knew it was difficult living the way they did, but somehow they found it in themselves to make it work.

His family was comprised of six other vampires. Esme and Carlisle were the parental figures. Carlisle was a well respected doctor in the small community of Forks, and Esme was his loyal companion who ran the Cullen household. Edward had two brothers and two sisters. No one in the family was actually related, but the bonds were there. Blood, or in their case venom, didn't make the family. Love did. It was something they had in abundance.

Edward was closest with his brother Emmett, who was married to Rosalie Hale. Rosalie had saved Emmett after he was mauled by a bear. Once he was turned, love bloomed between the two of them, but it did take time. Rosalie was not what one would call the friendliest of creatures. She hated me, which was fine. The feeling was mutual.

The final two members of the family were Alice Cullen and Jasper Hale. His history was a blood spree that only ended when he met Alice. They became fast friends before finding the Cullen family a few years later. After a century of taking human life, Jasper's transition to a vegetarian diet was almost impossible for him. Had it not been for his deep friendship with Alice, he would not have been able to do so. She was what held him to the diet. Hearing how close they were made me wonder why it was that they were not a couple.

Jasper was easily the most mysterious member of the family. I knew next to nothing about him, and no one volunteered any information. My only window into who he was came from a day that occurred over a year ago.

I joined the family for a baseball game, and we were interrupted by three vampires. After a tense confrontation where one of them decided I was a snack, they agreed to leave. They need not have bothered.

As soon as they turned their backs on us, Jasper attacked the male named James. The fight lasted all of a minute, and in that time, Emmett, Rosalie, Esme, and Edward paired up and took out the remaining two vampires while Carlisle stayed close to me.

The fight happened so quickly, and they all moved with such speed that I couldn't make out what happened. The noise was what struck me most. The tearing of limbs and the accompanying pain ridden screams still buzzed violently in my ears. Some small part of me enjoyed the symphony of death, or maybe it was just relief that I hadn't died.

The parts of the three vampires were thrown into a neat pile before being set on fire. Edward didn't help with the clean up. After the fight ended, he traded places with Carlisle and tried to block me from seeing anything else. When I struggled against him, he picked me up. The last thing I saw before he ran off with me was Jasper.

He had his face turned up into the rain that had started to fall. He didn't look wild or crazed. There was a look of intense pleasure on his face as he breathed in the smell of the strange purple fire. His eyes opened as he slowly turned his head in my direction. The pleasure left and was replaced by what appeared to be curiosity.

Edward was furious over what he considered a reckless act that put me in far too much danger. For days, he complained about his brother's decision.

After days of listening to him whine, I finally spoke up. "What was so wrong about what he did? That one would have hunted me. You said so yourself."

"We should have handled it a different way. What if one of them killed you?"

"All that matters is they didn't."

I was starting to believe there was more to Edward's complaints than what he showed on the surface. "What is really bothering you about what he did?"

"Killing our own is not something we do lightly. Out of all of us, Jasper knows this better than anyone."

"Are you saying he could get in trouble?"

Edward almost looked disappointed when he answered. "He's not like us. The rules we follow do not always apply to him."

"Why?"

"They just don't. Can we drop it?"

In the many months that followed that day, I spent more time with the Cullen family. They quickly became my family, with the exception of Jasper. He kept a significant amount of distance between us. We rarely spoke, and on most days, he left the house as soon as I arrived.

When I questioned Edward about this, he said he asked his brother to stay away from me. I didn't argue against this. Edward ruled my world, and I let him. If he wanted Jasper on the other side of the world, I would wave goodbye to the man and wish him the best of luck.

None of us could have predicted how this would change my relationship with Edward, but we should have. Whenever something was kept out of reach, it always became more desirable. Where before my fascination with Edward ruled my days, I now felt myself growing more and more curious about the one person I was denied.

Spending five minutes in Jasper's company was like giving me candy. It was a treat I looked forward to, but was rarely allowed to enjoy. Without fail, he would exit the room after a few words were exchanged, or Edward would interrupt us and pull me away. When that happened, Jasper's mood would change. I could feel a twisted sense of amusement at the situation. It was like someone told him a joke, and only he understood it.

My other favorite treats were the rare occasions I talked to Alice, the missing member of the family. She had left town in the weeks prior to my arrival for reasons she refused to divulge. She called often and relayed warnings based on visions she received. Eventually, she began calling me just so we could get to know one another. It didn't take long before we were friends. She was so energized over the phone I knew living with her would be a whirlwind of fun. I couldn't wait until she returned.

The family dynamic had suffered mightily due to her absence. Edward and Jasper had always had a strained relationship. It grew worse when Edward blamed his brother for his favorite sister's departure. According to Emmett, Alice and Jasper had been arguing just before she took off. Edward was out hunting, and returned to a house in turmoil as well as news of a missing sibling.

Jasper wouldn't reveal what the argument was about, and Emmett only caught the very end of it when Alice was begging her brother to be patient. He yelled back that he had already waited over a century. Emmett broke up the argument, and Alice left.

No one knew what Jasper was waiting for. Then again, no one knew much about him at all. He came and went more than any other member of the family, and maintained a level of independence that set him even further apart from the others. Edward could, of course, read his mind, but he still felt like Jasper was a stranger.

Outside of his history and the thoughts Edward picked up, Jasper was a mystery. His opinions were kept quiet. His mind was usually filled with music being replayed from his memory. I think this was his way of torturing Edward, whose own taste in music covered a wide range but did not match Jasper's at all. It also kept Edward from scoping out his thoughts too much. Considering the two of them were like oil and water, this was probably a good thing.

This wasn't the case with the rest of the family. Emmett and Rosalie both had a relationship with Jasper that was easy and free. Esme and Carlisle looked upon him as a son. Alice was the closest to him, but she was still missing in action. No one knew when she would return. It was now May of my senior year in high school, and she still said we had a few months to go. Her suggestion was for us to focus on our own lives and so we did.

My senior year of high school was winding down. Many changes occurred in the last few weeks. The biggest being my engagement to Edward.

Fortunately, he agreed to take on the duties of arranging our wedding. I was less than interested. I knew it bothered him, but I wasn't going to pretend to be excited about the formalities. I was excited about the man. The marriage was a weight around my shoulders I was dying to throw off. This weight took on the form of some serious dislike for my engagement ring. I hated the thing.

My whole system blanched at the thought of making us official. It wasn't that I didn't love Edward. It was that I didn't love marriage. I only agreed because he refused to change me or sleep with me unless I went through with it. It was emotional blackmail in my book and completely unfair. He was the turn of the century vampire with morals that were appropriate for his time. I was not. It was one of the few things we disagreed on.

All total, I was a lucky girl. I had the man of my dreams, a family that would love and support me, and an eternity to enjoy them both.

This should have made me happy, but I wasn't. Something inside of me had shifted in the last few weeks, and I only took notice of it after becoming engaged. When had I stopped looking forward to a brand new day? Where did that feeling of exhilaration run off to?

I had no answer to either question. What I did have was a newfound urgency to change. So much of what I felt before was fading, and I knew that becoming a vampire would set things in stone. If it didn't happen soon, I feared there wouldn't be anything left of my feelings.

I was a girl in a hurry to die. I was a girl who thought nothing of how my decisions would affect others. I was a girl whose future wasn't quite as set as she thought it was.

Changes were coming, and they began on the day I started having conversations with my killer.

* * *

There was little to complain about in the scene before me. It was a Cullen picnic. Blankets protected our clothing from the dirt and grass. Laughter echoed around the clearing. The day was sunny, and a light breeze had the trees dancing to a beat I knew would match the song in Edward's head. Nature molded itself around this man.

His clothes were never wrinkled. His hair was never mussed. His smile was bright and toothy, and his eyes were always loving and attentive. A wrong word never crossed his lips. A missed note never tarnished the music that came from his fingertips.

Polished. Unerring. Flawless.

On my best day, I lagged behind him by a mile. This was a bad day. It was the latest in a series of bad days.

A picnic. Six vampires. One human. Food for a dozen people. I was the only human here to eat any of it.

I always felt so much pressure when I ate around the family. It was the same every time. I overate because it was the only way I knew to show enough appreciation for the effort they went to for me.

I gained weight. Ten pounds. I took to wearing over-sized shirts to hide my flaws. If I didn't, they would glare out at the individuals around me. I couldn't let that happen. All of them were copies of Edward. All but one.

Jasper.

He was sitting on the ground reclined up against a tree with his feet propped up on a rock. He looked comfortable. A book was in his hands, but he wasn't reading it. His eyes were on the edge of the tree line where the light stopped and the shadows began. Like usual, he stayed in the trees, avoiding the sun.

Someone handed me a piece of chicken. It was still warm. Of course it was.

I ate quietly, paying little attention to my actions. Bite. Chew. Swallow. Rinse and repeat. All I ever did was go through the motions.

When I finished, I admired the bones. I cleaned this leg up nicely, but it was ugly to me. I achieved some level of perfection, and all I wanted was to throw this chicken bone at the nearest vampire and see if it magically stuck.

It wouldn't. They were Teflon. I hated that about them. Stupid, perfect beings. They made me feel less than whole. _He_ made me feel less than whole. A growl rumbled through my head. I was so angry over nothing. The chicken bone flew from my hand. It made a beeline for Edward's shirt, but he caught it just before it struck gold.

My apology was insincere. "It slipped. Sorry."

Edward shook his head and tossed the projectile into the plastic container marked for trash. He didn't seem to care that I threw something at him. This upset me more than anything else. Shouldn't throwing food at him be a big damn sign that something wasn't right?

I looked down at my hands. My irritated feelings left when I saw my greasy fingers. A few crumbs here and there only added to the mess. This was beautiful. Grease would never stick to my companions. If she could eat, Rosalie would probably scare her food so much she wouldn't even need a napkin.

_Ah. There we go. Napkins_.

Esme never packed any. Why would she think to do so? When she and the others took down an animal, I doubted they had so much as a stray drop of blood or a misplaced hair from the animal. They never needed cleaning up. I did.

Pitch perfect voices surrounded me while I continued to mentally pick apart perfection. These people were always talking. Awkward silence only came from me. They knew just what to say.

Edward handed me something else. I didn't know what it was. I just ate it.

When I got to the last bite, I finally looked up from the patch of grass I didn't even know I was staring at. Jasper had his head cocked to the side and was watching me. This wasn't even watching. He was studying me. I was a slide on his microscope. He was the scientist. The murderer. The glacier.

Unlike the rest of the family, he never paid me much attention. Emmett was always joking with me and tossing me up onto his shoulders. Rosalie was openly hostile. Carlisle was the perfect father figure. He asked after my day, and was genuinely interested in the answer. It was the same with Esme.

Then there was Edward. He was constantly with me. His presence made the air around him thinner. It was getting to the point where I couldn't breathe. I felt like he was suffocating me, which wasn't even fair. I knew I was suffocating myself. He was just the oblivious god at my side.

Jasper wasn't oblivious, but he also wasn't usually interested. Something about today made him sit up and take notice. Ordinarily, this would have pleased me. I wanted his attention and was desperate to get to know him. That desire like so many other things had changed in the last few weeks. I blamed it on the engagement, which still wasn't sitting well with me.

I tried ignoring Jasper. My discomfort grew. I fidgeted. I talked too much but didn't say anything. I laughed but nothing was funny. I stood out from them. Awkward, bumbling Bella.

* * *

Edward ironed my shirts again. It was a new thing he started a month ago. They hung in my closet organized by sleeve length and color. I stood in front of the rack every morning before I dressed and wondered why it pissed me off so much. Being neat and orderly was supposed to be good, but instead, it felt like a noose around my neck. The rope kept tightening, and still, I couldn't figure out what the problem was.

In hindsight, the connection was pretty easy to make, just as so many others were as well. Rather than open my eyes, I held tight to my blindness and let Edward lead me around by the ever tightening rope.

The noose was absent today. The vampire who tied it was on a hunting trip with Emmett. It was a welcome change.

I picked a shirt and threw it on. The only thing that mattered was it wasn't blue. Edward loved seeing me in blue. I stopped wearing it.

This shirt was white, which was completely impractical for a girl like me to wear. Sure enough, I was eating cereal and dribbled milk down my blouse. The liquid was white, but it still stood out like a stain. Seeing the splotch made me feel warmer than the sun. My skin even hummed with a new life.

This would be a good day. I already dropped food on myself, and I hoped to add a grass stain or two. I found a book and headed out the back door. A quick walk had me surrounded by trees and solitude.

Making my day even better was a fallen tree I found. I imitated Jasper's comfortable position from the day before. He had the right idea. This was nice. I could stay here for hours.

Because this wasn't a Cullen day out, it started raining an hour after I found my reading spot. I breathed in the smell of heaven and tossed my book aside. No adventure in it could compare to the feeling of the big drops falling on my face. I blinked rapidly when they hit my eyes but still kept my face tilted up.

I loved this weather. When I first came to Forks, there was too much of it. My clothes always felt like they stuck to me, and my feet usually slipped on the wet ground. Things changed. Over time, I grew to love the wet. It happened when I realized how much my hair frizzed up from the damp air.

Frizzy hair and tangles shouldn't make a girl feel good, but they did. Like so many other changes in my attitude, I couldn't explain why this was.

I sat up and ran a wet finger through the dirt next to me. It was already turning to mud. I traced the letters of my name.

B E L L A

I liked my name and had recently started making a point of saying it in my head several times throughout the day. These little moments allowed me to hold on to the person I was or at least the person I thought I was.

Each mirror I ran across held a stranger. My reflection didn't match my memories of what I should look like. My skin was paler and dark circles stood out like a badge of sleepless honor. Even my eyes seemed to have changed color. I thought of them as brown, but they were more than that. Reds and gold were tangled together with rich browns to create a color that was far too complex to be referred to as simply brown. These eyes didn't belong to me months ago, but they must have. I just never took the time to truly look at them.

Even my name sounded foreign to me. This wasn't always the case. Like everything else, the odd feeling only began a few weeks ago. I had been sitting on my bed waiting for Edward to come to my window when my eyes caught on a picture I drew as a child.

My name was spelled out in a crazy scrawl with purple crayon. I read the simple name out loud. It was jarring to me when I realized I couldn't remember the last time I heard it. I was sure others must have said it, but I couldn't remember them doing so. My entire focus was on Edward. He was central to all my thoughts and my words. I was an afterthought even in my own mind.

My favorite color changed with the color of his eyes. The sound of him playing piano provided the soundtrack to my life. His smell swirled around me in a fog that left me dazed.

For whatever reason, hearing my name that night made the smell dissipate, and afterwards, my mind opened up to a world that wasn't so bright anymore. Color was muted. All sounds were set at a lower volume. The air around me seemed almost stale. The world wasn't ugly without him polluting it with his beauty. It was just less but also more at the same time.

For days, I pondered why this was. I never came to any sort of conclusion I found satisfying, but I did notice that each day that passed made the not so bright world come to life around me.

I heard birds singing for the first time in months. I didn't know where they had gone, but they were back again. The color green that was so plentiful around me now held a depth I never fully appreciated. These were just two examples. There was a wealth of new elements to this slowly evolving world. I saw them all as individual revelations, and I guarded them like secrets.

I couldn't tell Edward about my observations. He always told me I was ridiculous or silly. In the beginning, I agreed and wasn't bothered. Now I was. Why should my thoughts be silly just because he didn't share them? And did he not know that ridiculous meant I was deserving of ridicule? It was the very definition of the word. I knew this but never paid much mind to it. All words from his lips were beauty, and at the time, I loved them. I just didn't love them anymore.

Silly. Ridiculous.

I didn't accept those labels. I wasn't silly just because I occasionally behaved foolishly. I wasn't ridiculous. I was sometimes unreasonable and oftentimes different from others. If he truly respected me, he wouldn't laugh at those differences. He would embrace them. I did, or at least, I was going to try to do that now.

And so I did. I allowed myself new pleasures I never fully appreciated before. I read a book that was pure candy. It was an adventure novel with no meaning, symbolism, or depth. I adored it. I watched a horror movie on television and laughed at the fake blood and the manufactured fear. Edward changed the channel. He didn't want me to have a bad dream. I reclaimed the remote control and told him he didn't want to end up missing a hand.

Ah. Good times.

Today offered more good times in the arrival of an unexpected visitor.

My eyes may have been opened, but I was still at a disadvantage when it came to a vampire appearing seemingly out of nowhere. I was enjoying the weather and scribbling in the mud when someone sat down next to me. I didn't have to look at my guest to know it was Jasper. The others would have avoided the mud.

On any other day, I would have loved that he was here. For months, I wished for a real conversation between us. Today, I didn't want anything from a Cullen except to be left alone. This was my place. He was an interloper. Why couldn't he go away? He had to know he was unwanted, but he still remained. I almost growled at him when he spelled out his name next to mine.

After several minutes of quiet, he spoke up. "You're wearing a black bra under a white shirt that is soaked. This would never happen to Alice or Rosalie."

I looked down and saw he was right. What did I care? It was just one more detail to add to the millions setting me apart from those two. "They also wouldn't play in the mud."

"Why are you?"

"Is there some rule saying I shouldn't?" I asked defiantly.

Jasper took a handful of the wet soil and made a tight fist. It squeezed out between his fingers and oozed down his hand. This was what made my attitude change. He wasn't put off by the dirt and the wet. He played with it like I did. He was like me.

My lips started moving with words from a story I never told Edward. "When I was little, I liked to make mud cookies and try to sell them to the neighbors. I only ever sold one batch. I was always disappointed when people failed to reward my efforts."

"Is that why you eat too much of the food Esme makes for you?"

Good question. I was surprised he even noticed. "Maybe. I never put the two together."

He reached over and used the bottom of my shirt to clean off his hands. "Tell me the story that explains why you like dirty clothes."

I didn't have one, but this didn't stop my imagination from creating something just for the sake of amusing him. "I went to a zoo when I was eight, and the best part of the day was when a camel spit on me. I felt special because he didn't spit on any of the other girls. I never did wash the shirt."

Jasper saw through my crap. "Why use a camel for your lie? Bird droppings are more believable and much more likely to occur."

Because birds were boring. "A camel is something I only see on television or at the zoo. I'm actually more curious about why I would feel special about being spit on. What do you think that means?"

"Given your explanation about the camel, this part is easy."

"Enlighten me."

"As much as you might like to lie to yourself and say otherwise, a part of you feels special because you've drawn the attention of a creature you find exotic and intriguing. Edward is your camel. He won't spit on you, but he would love to bite you."

This actually made sense in a bizarre kind of way.

Jasper wasn't finished. "This brings us to the shirt. The child inside you wouldn't have washed it. Does this still hold true for who you are today?"

"I would definitely wash it. I don't need camel spit to set me apart from people."

"Interesting."

I turned my head and looked at him for the first time since he arrived. He was wearing a thin metal headband of all things. On most men, this would look strange. Somehow he managed to pull it off. I liked seeing it on him.

"Why are you here, Jasper?"

"Edward requested that I apologize to you. He believes I offended you in some way, which resulted in your attitude at the picnic."

We both knew that wasn't the case. "If you had offended me, would you apologize?"

"No."

"Good. I wouldn't want you to."

Jasper took his headband off and placed it on my head, pushing my hair back. I always used my hair like a shield. Edward never commented on it. No one did. Not until today.

"Why do you hide so much? Your face behind your hair. Your feelings behind a smile. Your opinions behind an agreeable nod. Is there any truth in you?"

The last part hit me hard. Mostly because it hit home. I knew I was evolving into someone I didn't know. Her truths were not mine anymore and nothing made sense to me.

I punched at the mud with my fists and him with my words. "Are you calling me a liar?"

"Don't be offended. It's not a bad thing to lie."

Of course it was, and I was the biggest liar of all. I wanted to run away and hide until I could figure out what was wrong with me. I felt like an impostor in a Bella body.

"Lying is always wrong," I said more to myself than Jasper.

He didn't comment. He was much more interested in his hair, which had fallen in his eyes. He ran his muddy hands through it, and the sticky mess kept everything slicked back. I couldn't believe he did that.

When he saw me staring at him, Jasper reached out and traced a line of mud across my forehead. "You can't pick and choose dirt, Bella. You either dive in or stay clean."

A mud prophet. This was new and way above my head.

"So what's the deal with you?" I asked. "Do you really believe lying isn't a bad thing?"

"Why would it be? What gives the people in our lives the right to any truth other than what we want them to have? Our thoughts and feelings belong to us exclusively."

"And yet, you spied on me hoping for some hidden information."

He shrugged. "I may not have a right to the knowledge, but it won't keep me from trying to acquire it. Call me a thief. I am one."

"I was thinking hypocrite."

"Hypocrisy is inevitable. I find it hilarious when people are so put off by it."

This man made no sense whatsoever. "It's because of the lack of sincerity. Hypocrisy is dishonesty at the highest level."

"No. It is the very breath of honesty. When a man believes himself one way but reveals himself as another, he either recognizes it or he doesn't. That can tell you more about someone than anything else."

"I don't know that I agree with that. Regardless, hypocrisy is still wrong."

"No. It is a consequence of a world where beliefs evolve faster than people. Most will spend their entire lives playing catch up. Why judge them for it when we are all guilty of the same crime?"

According to him, we were all hypocrites, and it was okay. I had never heard anyone with opinions like his. "Jasper, do you even believe in right and wrong?"

"I believe in being flexible. It makes life easier."

He stood up and took his jacket off before tossing it down to me. "You shouldn't hide your face, and that dirt looks good on you."

It was the last thing he said before leaving. When I was sure he wouldn't return, I peeled off my wet shirt and put on his jacket. I pulled it close around me. I hadn't even realized I was cold.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**A new chapter should be posted next Wednesday. I'll try to send out an excerpt from the next chapter to those who review. If you have any questions, shoot me a PM or a review. I'll try to answer what I can.  
**

**Thanks for reading,  
Cris**


	2. Chapter 2 Candy

**Conversations with My Killer  
**Chapter 2 - Candy

Feeding candy to a baby. That was what Edward was doing. My favorite peppermint stick was sitting in the dining room looking over a map Esme purchased for him. Had Edward been the candy, life would have been so much easier, but he wasn't the sweet stuff. Jasper was.

I didn't love Jasper. I didn't have a crush on him or even feel attracted to him. I was simply interested in developing some sort of rapport between the two of us. The day in the trees behind my house had given me hope that I could.

I craved knowledge about this man. I wanted to know why he stared longingly at the sun but never stepped into the light. What was the song he whistled to himself when he walked through the house? Why didn't he have a car of his own? What did he do when he left for days at a time? Why were his eyes different from the rest of the family when he followed the same diet?

The difference had always puzzled me. The five people with whom I spent most of my time all matched. Their eye color changed depending on how long they had gone without a meal, but they were always in the same range of colors. Jasper's were more of a rich mahogany with deep red undertones.

I asked Edward why this was, and he explained that his brother's eyes never matched theirs. Carlisle suspected it had to do with the human diet Jasper followed for so long. He theorized that the irises were stained by the red that resulted from drinking human blood.

This was just one more detail that made him even more fascinating to me. Jasper was different. He was also very dangerous. He never hid the hunger he felt when I was around. His eyes clearly stated I was cattle grazing in his field. He didn't see Bella. Jasper saw food.

Edward knew this, which was why our conversation today was such a surprise.

"I think it would be a good idea for you to spend some time with Jasper. He can give you a better idea of what being a vampire means."

I couldn't believe my ears. This was a suggestion I never would have expected from him.

"Really? Why is that necessary?" I asked hoping I sounded nonchalant about the whole idea.

"He has more experience dealing with newborns. The additional knowledge would leave you better prepared to deal with the change."

Absolutely. Edward was very restrictive about the information he shared with me. He painted a picture much different than the true reality of his situation. I knew he was trying to protect me, but he couldn't keep doing this. I needed the truth. I needed to be prepared.

I also didn't want to look like I would sell my soul to talk to his brother, which was more tempting than it should be.

I played it off like I didn't care either way. "If you think it's necessary, I'm game. You know I trust your judgment."

_And I really really want to talk to Jasper again. Please. Pretty please._

A thought popped into my head. What if he didn't want to talk to me? In the week that passed since our conversation, he had returned to ignoring me completely.

"Would he even want to talk to me?"

Edward's lip curled with disgust. "Yes. He's actually expecting you. We've been discussing it for the last few days."

_Yes. Yes. Yes._ "I guess I shouldn't keep him waiting."

I stood up, and Edward pulled me right back down next to him. "Just try not to be put off by his attitude. He isn't like Emmett or me. He's very blunt and won't care if you are offended by anything he says."

Edward babied me beyond belief. It was tiresome. "I'm not a kid. I can handle whatever he says."

"Then go enjoy your talk. I'll be close by if you need me."

He made it sound like I was going to be attacked or something. As tasty of a morsel as I might be, Jasper wouldn't kill his future sister. I was certain of this. In fact, he frightened me about as much as Edward did, which wasn't at all. I had an alarming amount of faith in all the Cullens. Only time would tell if my trust was misplaced.

I made my way into the dining room and sat down in a chair close to where Jasper was standing. He was going over a map inch by inch and making notations on it with a pencil. There was no talking between us for several minutes. I just sat back and observed him.

He was almost robotic in his movements. Like usual, his expression remained the same. He gave no clues to how he felt or what he was thinking. He took dead to another level. I once joked to Edward that if Jasper ever smiled his face would split at the seams. It was a terrible remark to make, and I thanked the heavens he wasn't around to hear it.

After making a few more notes on the map, he sat down across from me and exhaled loudly. The human habits he tried to mimic did not come across as convincingly as the other family members. His always came across as forced. His breathing was especially off kilter. He either forgot it completely or dedicated himself to it with too much enthusiasm.

Then again, it could be that he embraced imperfection. Everything about him was slightly off. Where Edward seemed so infallible in every word, movement, or action, Jasper was the definition of imperfect. He walked too fast and talked with a slight drawl left over from his days in Texas. His clothes were always rumpled and his hair mussed. He even whistled off tune when I knew he was fully capable of a pitch perfect tone.

Perhaps it was just his way of making himself more approachable or easier to relate to. If so, it wasn't working today. There was a thick blanket of uneasiness between us, which was something I couldn't understand. We got along fine the other day. Why was this afternoon different? Where did the relaxed Mud Prophet go? I had no idea what to say to this Jasper.

The longer it took for me to say anything the worse the situation got. In a minute, we would need a snow cone machine to break the ice.

"I have a human in the dining room. It's been a while since I could say that."

_Did he just make a joke? I think he did. _

I started laughing more at myself than at what he said. I was trying so hard to come across the right way, and he could feel my every emotion. It was strange to think that in some ways Jasper would always know me better than Edward because of his access to a different level of information.

"How long has it been?" I asked.

"Fourteen years, six months, eighteen days, fifteen hours, and twenty-eight minutes."

"Wow. Down to the minute. That's a bit much."

Jasper crossed his arms over his chest and closed his eyes. "More like down to the second. She was a particularly memorable kill."

"What happened?"

"It was a Halloween night. Kids were running through the streets and making a ruckus. It's amazing what candy does to a human. It triggers joy, makes them fat, and tricks them into trusting strangers. I like candy."

Hold up, horsey. "Did you kill a child?"

If he did, I didn't think I could accept that.

Jasper stared back at me with empty eyes. It was as if no personality or soul lived within this man.

"Bella, does the age of the victim truly matter? If so, at what point is a person old enough to be considered a tolerable meal for you?"

I didn't answer. The question was completely absurd. No person would ever be a tolerable meal for me.

Jasper sat forward and rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "Tell me when I hit the magic age. Five? Fourteen? Twenty? Forty? Sixty? Should mothers be disqualified? What about sickly people? Or perhaps you would prefer I take them first."

I had no age in mind and went with a broad statement. "A child is innocent. Killing one is unacceptable under any circumstances."

"How do you define innocence? And when did your opinion become the final determining factor in establishing the appropriateness of my victims?"

He was so frustrating. "Answer the question. Did you kill a child? If so, it is wrong. You have to understand that point. Everyone does."

"Everyone?" He stood up and paced the room. "Vampires are not everyone. As a human, you walk in a world filled with night and day. My life is dictated by the night and the clouded sky of a gray day. _Who_ I am is defined by _what_ I am."

"Were that true, Edward and the others would feel as you do, and they don't."

"How they feel about the world is irrelevant. What they eat doesn't change what they are. We all want to kill you, Bella."

"Even if that's true, nothing justifies luring a child with candy and killing them."

Jasper bowed his head. "On that, we agree."

He crouched next to me and focused intently on my neck. "There was a girl walking home from a party. I would put her at no older than twenty-one. She was almost a perfect doppelganger of a previous victim of mine from 1928 I stalked for months. When I saw this girl, decades dropped away, and I was back in an age alive with jazz."

His eyes moved from my neck to my eyes. "I went into a sort of trance. I followed her home, used my skills to breach her house, and then attacked her in the dining room. I feed on her for what seemed like hours. She tasted of honey and cinnamon. So sweet and hot. I've killed her a thousand times in my mind and relished every second of it."

He took one of my hands and leisurely inspected it with his index finger. "She didn't even fight me. She gave in with a small gasp and a feeling of almost euphoria. I picked a girl who wanted to die. I just didn't know it."

"But you're an empath. How could you not pick up on something like that?"

"My desire for her blood blinded me to my surroundings and her emotions. All I saw was a prime piece of cattle, and oh did she taste good."

Edward never spoke longingly of his mistakes. He regretted them horribly. Jasper wanted to roll around in the blood and bathe in it if possible.

"Fourteen years is pretty good for you, right?"

The emotionless mask remained. "She wasn't my last human. She was the last one I had in a dining room."

I sat in my chair still unafraid. I was either alarmingly naive or just hopelessly optimistic. Both could get me killed, but I was confident they wouldn't. Edward would keep me safe.

"How long since your last human?"

"You really don't want me to answer that. I'll just say she was much older than the other two."

Another woman. "Do you always kill females?"

Jasper lifted my wrist up to his nose and breathed in deep. "I do prefer the taste of a female. We all have our own specific preferences. Should I tell you more of mine? Has Edward told you all of his?"

The door to the room was thrown open. Edward's arrival poured ice water over our talk. "It's time to go, Bella."

Jasper dropped my arm. "I'll see you soon, presa."

He exited the room with Edward's furious eyes shooting daggers at him. "This was a bad idea. You do not have to speak with him again."

No, I wanted to talk to him. A dozen times if possible. "We had a good talk, and I see no reason to avoid him. But what was that he called me?"

"Prey."

I wanted to roll my eyes like a child. There were times when Edward took things entirely too serious. "He was kidding. Jasper isn't as bad as you think he is."

"You say that about all of us. When will you see how wrong you are?"

He rubbed at his forehead. I knew he was trying to make his mind up on something. Once he settled on a path, he spoke again. "I'm having him pick you up from school tomorrow, but remember what I said. Jasper isn't like us. Be careful around him."

"What is with you all of a sudden pushing me at your brother?"

"Alice. She says it is imperative the two of you get to know one another. With her, we don't always know what the point is, but we trust the messenger. If she wants you to spend time with Jasper, there must be a good reason."

I wasn't exactly going to sit here and complain about it. I wanted to know him. Unlike Edward, Jasper gave me the unvarnished truth.

**

* * *

**

Jessica Stanley was chattering in my ear about my engagement ring. Annoying. I spent so much time with Edward that the constant talking from someone like her was just about more than I could handle. Slapping her seemed rude, so I settled on what she was good for.

"Can I have a piece of your chocolate?"

She broke off a square and handed it over. "Why are you even here? Where's Edward?"

He left early to go hunting up in Canada. I was waiting on Jasper, who was thirty minutes late. I again cursed the car gods that made my truck die on me. It had been sitting in the driveway at my house for the last few days. Charlie swore there was nothing wrong with it, but I begged to differ. The engine turning over was pretty damn critical.

"Edward is running some errands for his dad since he didn't have a test today."

"Who's picking you up?"

"Jasper."

Jessica choked on her chocolate. "Are you serious?"

She immediately threw her chocolate in the grass behind us and dug into her purse. She patted her hair, applied some crap to her face, and some lipstick to her big mouth. Her crush on him was widely known. She circulated the love amongst all the Cullen males but always came back to Jasper. If he so much as looked in her direction, she would probably pass out.

What was with the girls at this school that they lived and breathed the Cullen boys? It was sick and just plain sad. I wanted to shake them all awake and tell them to not be like me.

I wasn't Bella Swan. I was the future Mrs. Edward Cullen. How could I be the latter before I even figured out who the former was? I couldn't. What did I want to do with my life? Marry Edward. Did I have a profession in mind? Wife to Edward. Did I have any dreams? Eternity with Edward.

Edward. Edward. Edward.

It was enough to make me want to scream. How could he love a girl who presented herself as a cardboard cutout? This was exactly what I did. He didn't know I once dreamed of becoming a paleontologist or that I was scared out of my mind about not having any plan beyond him. What if he died? What if he left? Would I die, too? Would it even matter what happened to me? How could it if I was all about him?

I was codependent as all hell and embarrassed by it. I just didn't know how to fix the problem without alienating the man. Or maybe, there were so many problems I didn't know what to fix first. Either way, we were broke.

Jessica's voice broke into my thoughts. "What's he like?"

Kind. Loving. Protective. He played piano like Mozart and made my heart swell with pride every time he showed off his intelligence.

Controlling. Possessive. Moody. He dictated every move I made and could hurt me with a single mention of my silliness.

Jessica shook my arm. "Are you listening? What's Jasper like?"

Oh yeah. We were talking about him. What was he like?

Quiet. Powerful. He was subtle like the smell of rain. I could usually feel his presence before ever seeing him. And without even really knowing him, I could say with every ounce of my being that he was too good to talk about with her.

"Sorry, Jessica. I don't know him very well."

Our conversation was cut off by a familiar sight. My truck. It was running, and Jasper was driving. It was my turn to choke on the chocolate. How did he get it working? Rosalie said it was hopeless.

He pulled up to a stop and exited with more grace than I ever managed. I ran up to him, shouting my disbelief. "How did you pull this off? Rose said I should junk it."

I flashed him my biggest smile, which he did not return with one of his own. "Real happiness. How nice. It makes the small task of reattaching battery cables worth it."

The details didn't matter. I was just happy the thing was running again. My feet were bouncing me up and down in excitement. I wanted to hug the world. I loved my truck.

Without thinking, I threw my arms around him. "No, thank you. This really means a lot."

Jasper tensed up but didn't back away. He buried his nose in my hair. "You smell like the sun. I rarely experience that scent on a human."

I thought back on all the times he avoided the sun. Was he just shy about his appearance? Could I lure him out into the light if we were alone? I already knew he behaved different when we were alone.

"We should go on a field trip the next time it's sunny out, just the two of us. I think it could be fun, and you can smell me."

Yeah, that sounded odd even to me. My life was definitely different from the average girl.

"You would do that with me?" he asked. "Alone, I mean."

We had been alone on many occasions and never had any problems. He usually avoided me during those times, but it wasn't like we had a reason to stay away from each other.

"Of course, I'll go out with you alone."

"You're not scared at all, are you?"

I shook my head. "Not even a little bit."

A loud whistling sound alerted us to an audience just out of earshot. We weren't really embracing, but to the idiots at this school, it could be construed that way. I let him go and turned around. Lauren Mallory had joined Jessica. The nice one, Jess, was watching us in shock. Lauren, the whistler, glowed from what she thought was fresh gossip.

I couldn't even muster a glimmer of concern over anything they thought about us. They could gossip. They could laugh. I couldn't care less. My family was different. I accepted this, and for the most part, I loved it.

We left school, and he drove us over to my house. Having Jasper in my bedroom was surreal. He was very tactile with everything. He traced the letters on notes I had tacked to a bulletin board. He found my camera and looked through all my pictures before turning the lens on me and taking a few new photos.

Seeing him inspect my personal things didn't bother me in the least. I actually enjoyed observing him. This was a good thing since nothing was off limits to him. He opened and closed my dresser drawers. He rearranged the knick knacks on my desk.

He even rifled through my jewelry box and picked out a ring that interested him. It was a simple wedding band. I found it years ago on the day of my grandmother's funeral. It was a morbid reminder of a tough time in my life, but I couldn't seem to throw it away.

"Is this for Edward?"

"I haven't bought him one yet."

"I'm keeping it."

Anyone else might have been upset by his presumptuous nature but not me. "It's yours. Take it."

He didn't expect me to give in so easily. "It doesn't bother you that I want to take it from you?"

Not at all. "Should it?"

"Are you giving it to me because you feel you have no choice?"

"I'm not giving it to you. You're taking it."

"And you're letting me."

Wow. He must have graduated at the top of his class. "Yes, I'm letting you. If I had a problem with it, I'd tell you. So either pocket it, or put it back."

A sparkle in his eyes told me he almost gave in and smiled. I could tell he wanted to. His failure to do so pissed me off.

"Jasper, does it hurt you to have expressions on your face other than the one? You aren't afflicted somehow, are you?"

"Afflicted with what?"

Any number of things. "Vampire Freeze Face. Crippling Ennui. I don't know. An irrational fear of smiling."

"Door number two. Boredom is indeed a crippling affliction. I blame it on the company I keep."

I loved that he punched right back at me. I deserved it for the jabs I took at him. They were completely unwarranted, but it still hadn't stopped me. There was just something about him that told me I didn't have to guard my tongue. He wanted me snapping at him and would eat it up every time I did.

Jasper kept the blank face, but I could feel his approval. I heard it, too. "I thought you were a Saccharine Sally, who found her Boring Bob. It's nice to see you have more layers other than Mopey Mud Girl and Dorothy Doormat."

My my. He was being punchy today. I loved it. "Boring Bob doesn't like Mopey Mud Girl. He likes sweet candy kisses and sonnets in the meadow."

"And what do you like?" he asked.

"Boring Bob."

"How sad for you." Jasper slipped the stolen ring onto the middle finger of his left hand. "Thanks for this."

With that, the subject was dropped, and his capricious wanderings led him over to my desk. He picked up a book and thumbed through it. "Louisa May Alcott. I am unfamiliar with this one."

_A Long Fatal Love Chase. _"It wasn't published until over a decade ago."

"May I borrow this after you're done with it?"

I found it interesting how this time he was borrowing, not that I was going to complain. It actually seemed natural to share with him. "Borrow whatever you like. You can take the book now. I've already read it."

Jasper ran a finger over the lettering on the cover. "A title like this tells the whole story, yet people will still read the book. It's a curious thing."

"Not really. I want to know why she ran and why he chased her. I want to know how long she lasted and who died. The title may give a hint to the end, but the path to that ending is what interests me."

"You make it sound like life. In that case, we should just ask Alice what will happen."

Good ol' Alice. If it weren't for her suggestion, I wouldn't be talking to him. "Why did you agree to spend time with me? I know Edward is going along with it because she thinks it's necessary. What's your reason?"

He sat down at my desk and pivoted the chair so we were facing one another. "Why can't it be the same as his?"

"Oh, I don't believe for a second he's telling me everything about his motives. Edward always tries to protect me by withholding information. I hoped you would tell me the truth."

"Fair enough. He wants me to convince you to stay human."

I didn't understand how conversations with him were supposed to change my mind. It was actually pretty insulting. Could Edward not just talk to me himself? Did he have to send in the older brother to do the work for him?

Jasper commented on the emotions playing through me. "You're angry and insulted. It's too bad you can't tell him what I told you."

"I can tell him whatever I want."

"What I share with you is said in confidence. If you let him know, how could I ever trust you again?"

Like that mattered to him. "Something tells me you don't trust anyone. I don't see you making an exception for me."

"That is the smartest thing you've said so far."

Did I get a gold star for putting up with his patronizing attitude? "You say it like some kind of condescending proud papa. Am I supposed to bow down and accept the teachings of a master every time you grace me with your wisdom?"

"Well, you could get on your knees, but we'll keep that in mind for future conversations."

_My knees? Is he saying what I think he's saying?_ If so, I wasn't putting up with that crap. "You will not talk to me that way."

Jasper spun around in the chair. It would have seemed playful were it not for the same expression branded onto his face. I wanted to claw at him and demand he show me who he really was.

His voice did nothing to hide his amusement. "I could treat you with the same deference as Edward, but I'm too old to care about hurting your feelings. Your value to me is in the entertainment I receive from watching you squirm. Why pretend otherwise?"

He was so full of it. "You just want to test my boundaries and see how far you can push me."

"I want to challenge your way of thinking. How is talking about sex any more offensive than death? You'll experience both in your life. Why hide from them?"

Yes, but I was not going to experience either with him. What was he even getting out of this? He could find an endless amount of ways to amuse himself. He didn't need me for that.

"Why are you bothering with me? I know you have better things to do."

I blinked, and he was standing right in front of me. Inches separated us.

His voice was a cool whisper. "That day I killed in front of you. Why weren't you afraid or repulsed? You watched without flinching as I tore a vampire apart feet from you. Any girl who can do that intrigues me."

I thought back on what happened. He was right to point out I watched _him_ tear apart a vampire. I hadn't paid any attention to what the others did. Jasper was my focus. Even now, I was far more interested in his actions that day than those of the other members of the family. As for being repulsed, I wasn't then, and I wasn't now. He did what was necessary. If anything, I admired him for making the decision.

"You killed him for me. I had to watch."

Countless questions had run through my mind since that day. Why did he save me? There was no doubting he did. The one male would have hunted me. I knew it. We all knew it. Jasper prevented it from happening, and Edward didn't make a move until someone else made the decision. Why?

Jasper sensed my question. "He was frightened. If you were injured and began to bleed, he would have killed you. He could not have lived with himself had that happened."

"But you could? How does saving me at the risk of my death line up in your head?"

"Strategically speaking, there were greater risks in allowing them to walk away. We had them outnumbered two to one. With my superior fighting skills and our abilities, they were outmatched by a mile."

I agreed completely, except for one tiny detail. "You didn't know what abilities they had."

"There is a certain swagger you develop when you can do things. Let's just say mine was more pronounced than theirs."

I had to laugh at that. "You don't walk with a swagger. You have the stiffest gait of the bunch, and you're the most powerful."

"Hardly. That would be your boy, Edward."

Nonsense. Self-defense classes with my mom taught me this lesson. "In a sparring match, you use strategy and split second decisions. This enables him to be competitive with you. Am I right?"

Jasper suddenly became very interested in what I was saying. The intense focus made me go blank. I returned his gaze with what had to be a look of befuddlement. I was certainly dazed.

"Continue, Bella. Please."

What was I saying? Uhm. Fighting. Yeah. Fighting. "A fight to the death would involve a greater reliance on reflexes and instinct. With your experience, there is no way he could win."

"Just as I knew they could not beat me. You learn to sense power, Bella. If you don't, you die. Your assessment of Edward and me shows you've already learned this lesson. That pleases me."

_And pleasing him pleased me._

NO. That was Old Bella. I had to stop letting other people's approval build me up. The conclusion I came to about his ability to defeat Edward was my own. He merely confirmed it as fact. I owned this part of the conversation. It was mine.

I patted myself on the back. "You did well today."

Jasper gave no indication he thought anything of my odd behavior. I think he knew I needed this conversation, and in a role reversal from earlier with the ring, he let me take it.

* * *

**Author's Note:  
Thank you all so much for the great response to the first chapter. I hope you all received your review replies and the excerpt. I'll try to send out more this week as well.  
**

**I also want to say thanks to **BBSapphire24 **for starting a thread on Twilighted for the story. The link is on my profile page.  
**

**That's it for this week. Chapter 3 should be posted next Wednesday. Thanks again for reading.**

**- Cris  
**


	3. Chapter 3 Unmentionables

**Conversations with My Killer  
**Chapter 3 - Unmentionables

Roses with giant, perfect blooms covered my dresser. Edward always brought me flowers when he left for any significant amount of time. He defined that as anything more than four hours. Our weekend away from each other earned me more roses than usual. It was a sweet gesture and very much appreciated.

I rolled over and snuggled up against him. "I'm sorry I didn't stay up and wait for you last night."

"You needed your rest."

Most definitely. His brother's strange way of thinking had my brain worn out. "I've missed you. It's been two days of Jasper."

It wasn't so much the truth as far as actual time went, but it was accurate if I considered the time I spent thinking about him after we went our separate ways. I hadn't seen him since Friday afternoon, but our three conversations had been replayed in my head a dozen times.

"You're all mine today, Bella. No brothers. Just school and a couple hundred of our closest friends."

Bleech. That didn't sound fun at all.

He pulled my covers down and kissed my neck. "Go have your human moments. I'll be back soon."

Yes, he would be, and for now, it felt good. I hoped it would last through the day.

A half hour later, I was eating a bagel and talking with Charlie about the rest of my week. "I've got two tests on Wednesday. That's it and school will be done."

"Skipping graduation on Friday?" he commented over his coffee.

"That's not school. It's wearing a goofy hat and a one size fits all gown. I can do that at home and spare myself the embarrassment of tripping on stage."

Coffee mug down. Daddy fur up. "You can do that at school with the rest of your class."

It was hard to get excited over what promised to be the first of many high school graduations for me. If I had a hundred to look forward to as a vampire, couldn't I at least skip my human one? Not that Charlie knew this was a consideration.

"Yes, Dad. I'll go to my graduation."

"Good. Now, go tell Edward sunglasses before ten in the morning is like wearing them at night."

Or he hated my boyfriend – make that fiancé. The engagement news almost killed Charlie. It was a wonder he let me out of the house or let Edward in.

I gathered my things and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Be safe today."

"You, too, kid."

It was a typical morning for us.

**

* * *

**

My night was more of the same. Typical. Charlie was out visiting Billy Black, and I was entertaining Edward on my bed. At least, I was trying to entertain him. He kept resisting me as usual. We did manage to stray from the path but not in a fun way. I fell off the bed and hit my head on the dresser.

I considered it a testament to my powers of seduction that Edward was too distracted to catch me before I fell. This was a success in my book.

"Dang it, Bella. Watch yourself. And quick touching me there."

I respected his desire to remain a virgin until we were wed, but we could still fool around. Touching him low on his stomach was hardly scandalous.

"Is touching you really that bad? Because I love it when you touch me. I wish you would do it all the time."

Edward didn't understand just how much these little things were starting to add up. I wanted to touch him and lick him and do all kinds of fun things. He wanted to hold my hand and whisper sonnets.

I knew there was a control issue. I got it, but this didn't mean we couldn't do some stuff. If he was going to actually try to have sex with me on our honeymoon, shouldn't we have some warm up sessions first? Wouldn't it make it easier for him?

_Quit complaining. He's a good man. _I banged my head back against the dresser. I needed to knock some sense into myself.

Edward didn't agree. "Hey. Hey. Hey. No concussions. Be a good Bella, and get back in bed with me."

I wasn't too enthusiastic about what would follow. We would talk about nothing interesting. He would moon over my eyes or something else I didn't think was remotely attractive about me. The grand finale would be me falling asleep not because I was tired but because I was bored.

The night went just as I expected. Yay for us and the everyday life of a girl and her loving vampire. Weren't we exciting?

**

* * *

**

Watching Edward Cullen walk into a room was a movie going experience. Music played in my head and time slowed to a crawl. Right now, he was ten steps from the entrance of the cafeteria doors. I cheated and saw him through the window, but it was unnecessary. He always walked in at exactly five minutes and thirty-four seconds after noon. I usually arrived two full minutes ahead of him.

I could have waited at his locker, but I liked the anticipation of those two minutes. They were my emotional barometer. My chest usually tightened with every tick of the clock. Those butterflies in my stomach would flutter wildly. Blinding, rose colored light from a cloudy day always dressed the room in a loving glow. It was sickening how much I loved him.

These days were different. The glow died. The room was now shadowed from heavy rain clouds only I could see. They had rolled in slowly and were the most prominent part of the space around me.

It wasn't fair. Today was our last day of school, and I wanted my old feelings back. I felt cheated of all the little things I always took for granted. Their absence made me realize just how wonderful they were. We may have been sickeningly sweet to one another, but it was better than the absence of feeling I had now.

Edward pushed his way through the doors. A Disney movie played through the minds of the masses. A fluffy bunny ran out from under a table to greet the bronze haired prince. Birds chirped happily and flew in circles around his head. Little mice sprinkled rose petals at his feet. A minimum of fifty girls sighed in perfect harmony.

I wasn't one of them. The bunny's feet tracked blood across the floor. The birds flew into windows breaking their necks. The mice scurried up tables and conducted an orchestra made out of screaming boys and girls. My movie kicked ass and had a fucktastic soundtrack. So why the hell was I playing with the perfect prince?

_Sweet, holy hell. Get your head straight, Bella. Those are naughty words and inappropriate images. Boring Bob wants Saccharine Sally. _

Lunch was pizza and a salad. The food didn't matter. The company did. While I ate, Edward told me a story about the time Alice tried to arrange a meeting with Elvis. Her plan failed miserably and no future telling ability on her part could change it. She had yet to overcome the staggering disappointment.

I just nodded along and enjoyed the sound of his voice. I wished I could play his special brand of radio station all day. It drowned out many of my concerns and helped me believe everything was still good. I needed that reassurance. I just wished his voice would spit out words as entrancing as the sounds I heard. Once upon a time, it had.

Alas, the bell rang, and with it came our last class. I dragged my feet the whole way. I needed a thousand more school days as a human. These hallways witnessed my love story, and leaving them felt like I was leaving us.

Edward was experiencing his own feelings of nostalgia. When we got to class, he tugged me into a corner and hugged me close. I knew I was scared of the future, but I hadn't known he was as well.

"Remind me how all endings are the start of a new beginning," he pleaded.

Offering him reassurance came easily even when we shared the same fears. "This is not really an end. In a few years, we'll back in high school, and you'll be as bored as ever."

The worry left, and he smiled. "Not bored. I'll be too busy keeping you from eating the teachers."

"And I'll finally get to enjoy not being picked last in gym class."

"I'd have picked you first the whole time. Even cannon fodder serves a purpose."

I punched him playfully in the ribs. "Not funny."

"Oh, it's funny alright, and if you could see yourself run, you would know that."

I rose up on my tiptoes and kissed his chin. "Rude much?"

Edward kissed my nose. "Clumsy much?"

I kissed him on the lips right when someone behind us spoke up. "Late for class much?"

Even on the last day of school, teachers were still busting our balls. Typical.

**

* * *

**

Every day should end with Esme singing and Edward playing the piano. Apart, they were wonderful. Together, they were a revelation. This was a rare treat, and it only happened because the house was empty with the exception of us three. Esme was strangely reluctant to sing in front of her family. I couldn't understand why. She had a lovely voice.

Seeing the two of them interact made me miss my own mother. I needed to spend some time with Renee before the wedding. On the way back to my house, I brought up that very thing.

"I want to go down to Jacksonville in the next few weeks."

"The weather may make that impossible."

For him, but not me. "I could go alone. It would only be a few days."

"I don't like the idea of you traveling on your own."

"But the alternative is for you to come with me and hide out in the house for several days. How would that look?"

"Tell her I'm one of those people who can't go out in the sun."

There was no way it would work. "She won't buy that. She'll just think you're weird."

The solution was easy in Edward's book. "I guess you aren't going."

This was where my next big complaint came in. I was carpet. Edward walked over my needs and wiped his feet on my independence. I should have spoken up, but I didn't. I was too concerned with keeping the peace. There was little enough of it in my head, and letting the war slip out into the open was not something I wanted to do.

Worse yet, the precedent for this day had been set months before, and I was only now seeing it. It all started when I discovered Jacob's secret. Charlie had heard he was ill, and encouraged me to go see him. I did just that but failed to tell Edward about my destination.

I didn't even get to see Jacob. His dad turned me away and suggested I come back in a few days. I left the card and flowers I brought with Billy and headed away from La Push.

Several miles later, I was driving along and found Edward standing in the middle of the highway. He was furious with me. I got out of my truck and listened to him berate me over something that to me seemed perfectly fine. I was only visiting a sick friend.

We were interrupted by a very agitated Jacob, who came out of the woods wearing little more than a pair of cutoffs. He confronted Edward for treating me horribly, and the situation quickly escalated to a near fight. It grew worse when we were joined by some of Jacob's friends and most of Edward's family. Everyone showed up out of the blue.

I was the lone fool without a clue about what was going on. It took a boy exploding into a ball of wolf for me to learn anything. Come to find out, my friend was a werewolf and the mortal enemy of my boyfriend.

For weeks, Edward refused to let me go to La Push, insisting it was for my own good. For the most part, I listened, but there wasn't much he could say when Charlie took me along with him to visit Jacob's dad. These trips gave me the run of the place. I got to see Jake and learned the history of the wolves.

Over time, Edward lightened his restrictions, and I was able to pretty much come and go as I pleased. I just had to follow the rules: tell him where I was going, when I would return, and who I was going to meet with. He usually argued against me going but would almost always give in if I pouted enough.

Until recently, I never considered just how crazy it was for him to have any say over what I did or where I went. Jacob was sure quick to point it out, but I brushed it all aside and never let it bother me.

I was more than bothered now. I was down right pissed. I should have put forth my complaints and held firm to my need to see my mom without a vampire escort. Unfortunately, what I should do was rarely what I did do.

So here I was quietly seething over his controlling nature when I was the one that essentially gave him leave to act that way. I told myself it was only for now. Once I was changed, things would be different. I would be different.

Liar. Fraud. Me. I still smiled when I didn't mean it. I still nodded even if I didn't agree with what was said. I still hid behind my hair. The only difference was now I noticed.

**

* * *

**

I awoke to a beautiful sight. The sun was shining. I scrambled out of bed and quickly took a shower before dressing like a mad woman. I was out the front door and backing out of the driveway less than twenty minutes after I woke up.

A sunny day. A date with a vampire. This was going to be the best day in weeks. When I arrived at Edward's house, I ran inside and went in search of my newfound friend. It didn't take long to spot him.

Jasper was standing on the counter in the kitchen changing a light bulb.

I tugged on his jeans. "It's sunny outside. Come play with me."

He jumped down to my side. "You have a mate. Go play with him."

My phone rang a second later. It was Edward telling me he was stuck somewhere waiting for the sun to disappear. According to the weather report, he would be there all day. It was strange that Alice didn't warn him of this. She was really falling off the job.

I ended the call and looked to Jasper. "Looks like it's just you and me."

I rifled through the kitchen and made myself something to bring along for lunch. Jasper observed silently until I pulled him in the direction of the back door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Isn't it obvious? It's sunny. We're going on our field trip."

He held firm and refused to move. "You don't want to do that."

"Why not?"

"I'm not like the others."

The tone matched the set of his jaw and the tilt of his chin. He was defiant and proud. And daring me to ask the obvious.

"How are you different?"

Jasper rolled up the right sleeve of his shirt. At first, I just saw an arm. When I looked closer, I saw a patchwork of crescent shaped scars marking him from wrist to elbow. A more careful inspection of his face revealed the same. I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed this before now.

"What happened to you?"

"They're from the fights I've been in. I'm covered in these marks from head to toe."

I fingered the fabric of his shirt and tried to figure out what to say. In our last uncomfortable moment, he relied on humor. I gave it a shot.

"What kind of fights were you in that another vampire bit off your toes? Didn't you have any boots on?"

He started to say something but stopped and shut his mouth with a snap. A few seconds later, I saw one corner of his lips twitch. He was trying hard not to smile. I wished so much that he would.

I pushed him a little harder. "Have you ever lost your thumbs? What happens if you can't find one of them? Instead of two thumbs up for a good movie, you'd have one thumb and a nub."

Another twitch. Damn, he was difficult. "Picture surfers or people in Hawaii. They do that little wave with their thumb and little finger extended. Lose the thumb, and it looks like they're having a spasm with their pinkie sticking out."

I showed him what I meant. It actually looked like I didn't pull my digit in after having tea. I combined the two ideas. "Surf's up, teacup."

Jasper sighed heavily. "Are you like this with Edward?"

"I actually go out of my way to avoid being like this with him. He wouldn't like it."

"And you think I do?"

I wasn't sure what he liked, but something told me he was as tired of stiff necked vampires as I was. "Come on. One smile won't kill you. You're already dead."

"Only you would say any of this to me."

It was his nice way of saying no one else would dare. They really should. He obviously had a sense of humor. I couldn't understand why people didn't use it to get closer to him and help him open up. He wasn't scary. He was just different.

"Jasper, I don't care about a few scars. Come out in the sun with me. We'll have a good day. I promise."

He reluctantly followed me outside. We stuck to the trees for the first hour of our walk. When we finally came to a large open area, I walked out into the middle and waited for him to join me.

He took a step out into the sunshine. The light revealed a random pattern of marks that dulled his skin to the point that it didn't sparkle like everyone else's. His face wasn't horrifying by any stretch of the imagination. It was like seeing an angel that had been broken and pieced back together. I could still see the beauty, but it took looking beyond the obvious.

My neutral reaction must have surprised him. His face softened from the severe expression I was accustomed to. He approached me slowly at first and then moved faster as he came closer.

The sun's revelation of his scars did nothing to change my thoughts on him. I still wasn't frightened or intimidated. I was as curious as ever and unsure that it would change. He was endlessly fascinating.

Jasper came to a stop right in front of me. His cold hands went to either side of my face. "You are like no other creature I have ever met."

"I feel the same about you."

He dropped his hands down to my shirt and starting unbuttoning it.

_Hold up. Wait a minute_. "What are you doing?" I stuttered out.

"Relax. It's buttoned up perfectly, and I know you hate that. Besides, you have a t-shirt under this. I'm not even getting as much as a peek at your unmentionables."

"Unmentionables? Nice word. I knew this would be a good day."

He finished his work. "There. A skipped button. It suits you better."

It did suit me better. "Thank you."

"You are very different than I expected," he said with a frown.

"Is that bad?"

He pushed a stray lock of hair behind my ear. "I haven't decided."

"I know just how you feel."

We sat down across from each other. Over the next several hours I got a retelling of his history. Unlike Edward's version which included very little information, Jasper wasn't shy about details.

I learned about the vampire wars, Maria, and the time he spent with the family after meeting Alice. By the end of his many stories, we were lying on the grass and staring up at the clouds moving in.

Obvious math told me there were over fifty years missing. "What about the time between leaving the army and finding the Cullens?"

"Educational. Dreary. Painful. Structured. And not something I want to think about today."

He sounded completely worn down. It was strange thinking he might get tired. Edward never showed even a twinge of exhaustion. "Are you okay?"

"It's more difficult being here with you than I expected."

"How so?"

"The sun warms your skin. The wind blows around your scent. Your heartbeat drowns out the birds. Picture going to your favorite restaurant and being told you can't eat anything."

"I thought it was your scars keeping you out of the sun, but you don't care about them at all. You were staying away from me."

"I always tried to sit upwind of you. No offense."

"None taken." I rolled over onto my stomach and rose up on my elbows. "So your toes, did you ever actually have them bit off? I know I was joking before, but now I'm curious."

"Not my toes. I have lost a few fingers, both my arms, and an ear. I've also been decapitated twice, but it was part of a training exercise. All my other appendages have remained intact. Thank God or as one of my friends likes to say, 'Thank Us.'"

"What does that mean?"

Jasper paused before explaining. "To him, we are the true gods of this world. We play with the lives of those around us like they are toys. His job is picking and choosing who lives and dies."

"Which is sort of how you lived, right?"

He twirled a flower between his fingertips. "You could say that."

"Until you switched to a vegetarian diet," I assumed.

"I take it you place humans above bears, deer, and other animals."

Didn't most people? "Is that wrong in your opinion?"

"What gives us the right to decide one species is more valuable than another?"

This was an argument I felt confident I could win. "Humans are capable of loyalty and love. They offer what animals can't."

"You just described a dog. A creature so far ahead of humans they are capable of unconditional love. Humans are not. Vampires are. I have more in common with a spaniel than an average Joe."

"Or a werewolf. They imprint," I teased assuming he shared Edward's hatred of all things werewolf.

Jasper changed things around on me and brought up another thought provoking question.

"Would a werewolf still love his imprintee if she was turned, or does she lose that essence that makes her what he needs? For them, it is about breeding as much as love and companionship. Were I to fall in love with a human, it would be forever. Human. Vampire. Dead. Alive. None of it would matter. Who we love becomes a part of who we are."

"Like Edward loves me?"

"No, like Emmett loves Rose and Carlisle loves Esme. You will never be more valuable to Edward than as what you are now, a rare snack he wants to savor for later. He thinks it is love because that is what he wants it to be."

That wasn't true at all. "My scent has nothing to do with his feelings for me."

"Doesn't it? Your blood is so sweet to him you have become it. In your case, it is an addiction to one substance that once gone will never return. What he feels for you fits no definition of love I am aware of."

I refused to believe that. If his theory was right, I was giving up everything for someone who didn't even love me. I would wake up, and Edward would feel nothing. Even time apart would end some of our feelings.

I wouldn't accept this. "You're wrong."

Jasper tapped the side of his head. "Empath, remember?"

"Recognizing an emotion doesn't mean you understand it. Have you ever been in love before?"

His failure to respond told me the answer. He had never been in love. It was sad to go through so many years and to never once feel that special connection to another.

"You've been with women before. What were they missing that you couldn't love them?"

"Everything."

We were quiet for a while. I spent my time thinking about what all we had said, and he whistled that same tune I couldn't identify. I was determined to discover the answer on my own. He would love it if I had to ask.

"Hey, Jasper."

"Yes."

"There is a flaw in your dog argument. You have just as much in common with the way humans love as you do a canine."

He turned on his side. "Explain what you mean."

"Humans and vampires are capable of romantic love. There is no proof that dogs share that. They only act as a breeding pair. We act as one."

**

* * *

**

The walk back to the house was quiet. I wasn't sure what happened today, but we were different, closer but further apart. Any time our eyes met, Jasper would look away and duck his head. It was strange seeing this behavior from him.

We were getting close to the house when something changed. He held up a hand indicating I should be quiet. For several seconds, he stood still with a look of deep concentration on his face. When he was ready, he walked on like nothing happened. As we got closer to the house, the reason behind his behavior became obvious.

Edward was running towards us. He picked me up and spun me around in a slow circle. "Where have you been all day? I tried calling, and you didn't answer."

"Jasper and I went for a hike. I must have forgotten my phone at the house."

He frowned up at me. "What have I told you about going off like that? Call me. I have to know where you are."

I looked over at Jasper who was leaving us behind. "I was in good hands. We had a nice day."

Edward set me down and held my hand as we followed behind his brother. "What's this I hear about your truck working again? When did you get it fixed?"

Something told me the truth would get Jasper in trouble. "I called Jacob. I just forgot to tell you."

"Let's go to our place," Edward suggested.

That was sudden. We hadn't been to the meadow since the day we got engaged. I also didn't want to go. "I'm really tired. We've walked a long way already, and I just want to go home."

"Silly girl. You don't have to walk."

He picked me up into his arms and ran off with me. I was back to being silly to him. The one word ruined my day.

Minutes later, I was surrounded by the place I was supposed to love above all others. Today I didn't. It was a sea of blue flowers. I wanted to swim away like they were an ocean of water.

Edward finally picked up that something was wrong. "What's going on with you? Ever since we got engaged, you've been pulling away from me."

I weighed the value of actually telling him some of what was on my mind. I really only had myself to blame if I never spoke up. I started with something that was a small problem.

"I'm in a funk. All the things I used to do bore me. We've already read all the same books and talked about them for hours. I don't know what else there is for us to do or say."

"You could help me plan the wedding."

I wrinkled up my nose. "I don't think so."

"Do you not want to get married?"

Ah. The dreaded question. "You know I don't."

I was starting to resent him for the requirements he put on changing me. Why did we have to get married? If he wanted to spend forever with me, shouldn't he want me to be like him? Why was a wedding mandatory?

"Is it the sex thing again?" he asked. "You know how I feel about that. I want to do the right thing."

"Well, I'm not you. I wasn't born a hundred years ago. I'm a modern woman with modern sensibilities. You want me to respect your wishes, but you don't respect mine."

Of course, he denied it. "I do respect your wishes."

"You don't," I argued. "You tell me where to go and who I can see. You call me silly and ridiculous. You withhold information with the excuse that you want to protect me. I'm not a child, but you treat me like one. How is that respecting anything about me?"

"None of that is true."

"Really? Because I told you I didn't want to come here. I said I was tired and wanted to go home. You completely ignored my wishes and brought me here anyway. Just like the deal with my mom. I told you I wanted to go see her, and you decided I couldn't."

He was suffocating me with his overprotective nature and his demanding ways. My time with him wasn't fun anymore. It was work.

A year ago, I believed nothing could pull us apart, and now I wished something would. "I'm not happy with any of what's going on between us."

Edward took an abrupt turn. "This is Jasper's fault. He's making you think this way, isn't he?"

"No. We don't even talk about you or us. We talk about what being a vampire means. That's all."

"What has he told you? Do you know what kind of monster he is?"

Jasper was not a monster. "You are too hard on him."

"You don't even know who he is, Bella. He doesn't stay with the family because he cares about us. He stays because he has to. We mean nothing to him."

"What do you mean he has to?"

Edward went silent for a moment before explaining. "You look at him, and all you see is his beauty. A vampire sees the scars and knows each one was inflicted by someone he murdered."

"That's not fair. He was forced into Maria's army. He never would have killed if not for her."

"Bella, I've never seen anyone who can fight like Jasper. Even outnumbered, he finds a way to win. If he wanted to be free of Maria, he could have killed her and disbanded her army. Why didn't he?"

I latched on to an answer. "She was in charge. If he attacked her, the others would have defended her. He can't win against odds like that. No one can."

"He trained the newborns and fought at their side."

"But she was the leader. They knew that."

"He was the one they respected, and every single one of them would have followed him to hell if he asked it of them. His failure to stop her cost thousands of lives. He is not to be defended."

"Even if that is true, it's still not your place to judge him. Nor does it explain why he has to stay with the family."

Edward lashed out in an ugly tone. "Jasper is a coward who stays with us because our numbers provide him protection from all those who wish him dead. Carlisle only took him in out of pity. No one else wants him. Is that clear enough for you?"

This couldn't be true. Jasper would step up and face anyone wanting him dead. He wouldn't hide behind a bunch of vegetarian vamps that were probably a joke in his world.

"He isn't the type to behave cowardly."

Edward looked about ready to choke me. "Why are you defending him so much? Is something going on with you two? Is that what's been wrong with you here lately?"

Did he just accuse me of cheating on him? "You are unbelievable. Prior to this week, I'd barely spoken to him, and you know it. How could anything be going on?"

He pulled at his hair and groaned out his frustration. "I didn't mean it like that."

"How else am I supposed to interpret what you said? Gah. This whole thing is stupid. If you have such a big problem with Jasper, why do you even want me talking to him?"

I hoped he would either confirm or deny Jasper's statement about Edward wanting him to change my mind about being turned. He didn't.

"Alice says it's necessary, but there are other reasons as well. Either way, my feelings on this do not matter."

"What are the other reasons?"

A phone call interrupted him. It was probably Alice. He answered it and put some distance between us. Letting me hear a single side of a conversation was just too much for him. This was our problem. He tried to control everything from what I heard to what I did.

If we weren't in the middle of nowhere, I would have taken off and tried to walk home. I glared at the darkening sky. I wished the moon would fall to the Earth and crush him.

Edward returned to my side. "Alice told me to stop being a jerk. She also said nothing is going on with you and Jasper."

He needed her to tell him that. My word wasn't good enough. I was done with this. "Take me back."

For once, Edward didn't argue. He took me back to his house, and I drove myself home. That night was the first night in a year I closed my bedroom window, effectively ending his invitation to come inside.

* * *

**Author's Note:  
Issues with the site may have caused a few people to miss the last chapter. The link would work and then not work. People thought I might have deleted it, which I didn't. **

**Chapter Four should be posted on Wednesday or Thursday next week. **

**Thanks again for reading. I hope you all received your review replies and the excerpt. **


	4. Chapter 4 Rooms and Surnames

**Conversations with My Killer  
**Chapter 4 - Rooms and Surnames

– "_He doesn't stay with the family because he cares about us. He stays because he has to. We mean nothing to him."_

– "_Jasper is a coward who stays with us because our numbers provide him protection from all those who wish him dead. Carlisle only took him in out of pity. No one else wants him."_

Jasper was no more a coward than I was a cactus. There was some other explanation for why he was with the family, and whatever the reason was, Edward decided it was better to lie than give me the truth.

I could fish around for weeks and never get an answer to any of the questions I had, or I could go right to the source. Today was the perfect opportunity. We were alone again after he showed up at my house this morning. Jasper knew Edward and I were on the outs and that I would be nervous about tonight's graduation ceremony. Rather than let me sweat out the day by myself, he kept me company.

For the last hour, we had been trading off turns on an old Atari game. It was the only fair game we could play. Jasper killed me in chess, checkers, and everything else we tried. This game was more of a struggle for him because of the controllers. He had to be extra careful not to break them.

When he again got eaten by a ghost, he gave up. "Would just ask me what you want to know? Your nerves are distracting me."

"Or you just suck at this game."

"I'll give you that. Now spill."

"If I ask you about something Edward said, would you mention it to him? Or would you keep quiet about it?"

"I'll always keep our conversations private."

But I didn't keep my conversations with Edward private from Jasper. I also didn't feel bad about it either. I wasn't sure what that said, but it had to be bad.

"He said you stay with the family because you have to. What does that mean?"

Jasper fierce response surprised me. "What was the context of the conversation? And be very clear about the words you use. I want no misunderstandings."

I could do clear. "We were talking about some problems we've been having, and he blamed you. I told him you and I never talked about our relationship, and he was still mad."

"What else?"

"He said I don't know who you are and that you don't stay with the family because you care about them. According to him, you stay because you have to. He says you need their protection from people wanting to kill you."

The anger dissolved. "Did you believe him?"

I hadn't believed it all. "No. I think he's unwilling to tell me the truth, and you seem to be the only one who will."

"Truth is not something you should ever expect from anyone. People only tell you what they want you to hear, including me."

"But you can still tell me what you want me to hear and have it be the truth."

"I never lie to you, Bella. I just won't always tell you the full story. In this case, my reasons for staying with the family are very complicated, and I am not in a position to explain them to you."

This meant I wouldn't get any answers. It wasn't as if he owed me any. His reasons were his own. "Is there anything you will tell me?"

Jasper went in an entirely different direction than I expected. "The most valuable information you can have is knowing where someone's loyalties lie."

I needed more. "Who are you loyal to?"

"I live by a simple set of rules. Give only what you can spare, and hoard the rest. Life is about survival. Put yourself first and you might just make it."

This meant Edward was right. Jasper was using the family for something. But if it wasn't for protection, what did he want out of them? I thought of something else Edward mentioned. The Maria question. I couldn't imagine asking him about her.

"Bella, stop holding back. Ask what you want. It's up to me if I answer."

"This one isn't like the others."

His voice had the smile his face lacked. "I'm waiting."

His good mood pushed me to ask the unmentionable. "Why didn't you kill Maria?"

Death walked through him. A haunted look in his eyes combined with shattering pain and heavy regret. His whole being seemed to shrink in size. I had never seen someone collapse so swiftly and thoroughly. All the power I was accustomed to seeing in him left.

The emotions escaped his control and swallowed me whole. I wanted to scream and cry and smack myself for hurting him. That was what I did. I hurt something in him.

My hand was shaking when I reached out to touch him. "I'm sorry."

He flinched back from me. "Never ask that again."

"I won't."

"Why did you?"

I thought knowing about Maria was critical to understanding him. "I wanted to know why you made some decisions over others. She seemed like a good place to start."

"And a good place to end."

It was the last thing Jasper said before disappearing for three days.

* * *

I slipped on my creased gown and wore the stupid hat. I stood up only because I saw the person next to me stand. I walked across the stage but only after someone pushed me from behind.

Floating through graduation wasn't the end of my lost day. Pictures were taken. Congratulations were offered. A father/daughter dinner came next. I missed all of it even when I was present the whole time.

Present but absent. It described me, and I could say it worked for Jasper as well. He wasn't here, but he was so central to my thoughts he was more real to me that night than anyone else.

What had Maria done that haunted him so fiercely? It had to have been something she used to gain his cooperation, and it went far beyond threatening his own life. Threat of pain or death wouldn't work on him. What could she hold over someone who had already lost everything?

Where before I would have asked Esme or one of the others about Jasper, this time I didn't. He wouldn't want me to, but beyond that, I didn't want to. His history was his own. What right did I have to know anything? None at all.

"Once you're changed, I won't have to worry about you as much. All I want is for you to be safe."

Edward. I was busy thinking about his brother, and he was in the middle of a grand apology. Something about driving me to the airport so I could travel – alone – to see my mom. That was nice. He moved on to saying he hoped I could forgive him for acting like a jealous fool.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

I couldn't care less about what he was saying. I knew our relationship would be different after I changed and didn't need him explaining it to me for the fiftieth time. If I didn't believe him, I wouldn't still be here.

Edward finally said something to get my attention. "Will you let me stay the night again?"

No way in hell. "No."

"Why not?"

"You have all these rules about what we can and cannot do, but you contradict them by staying with me every night. I'd rather not deal with the mixed signals. So no sleepovers."

"Are you trying to punish me?"

"I'm trying to prove a point. You can't follow a morality scorecard from a century ago and let me sleep next to you every night. It's hypocritical."

He had no answer for that. Good. Limiting his access to me was one way I could regain some of the control in our relationship, and it gave me some of the space I needed.

"Being sorry gains me nothing. I don't even know why I bother," Edward complained.

My negative attitude brought out the mean girl in me. "If you're done bothering with me, go find someone else."

Edward's little feelings got hurt. "If leaving is what you want, I'll go today."

Not good. If he left, Jasper would leave as would the others. Edward was the only tie I had to the Cullens. Losing him meant losing them, and I wouldn't let that happen.

"I'm sorry I'm such a grouch," I lied. "You know I never want you to leave."

I had gained some ground today, but I still found myself about thirty feet back from where I wanted to be. If I could take a few steps forward each day, I'd be right where I wanted by the day of our wedding.

* * *

Today was the magic day when Esme revealed herself to be a very odd duck. We were in the living room with the floor plan of the new house spread out in front of us. She wanted my input on assigning the rooms. The first floor master bedroom was going to her and Carlisle, but the others were still up for grabs.

"You've spent time with Jasper. Which room do you think he would like?"

"Shouldn't you know more about him than me?"

"I do. He likes the early morning sun. Books and maps. Music is bad. We usually put him as far from Edward as possible, which we can't do now because of you."

Curious. "What about me?"

"He's the one who will help you the most after you're changed. Your room will be right next to his."

Awkward. I didn't want Edward and me being intimate with Jasper on the other side of the wall. He was already going to be able to hear us. Having him so close would make it worse. I didn't much like the idea of the others hearing us either, but Jasper was the one I didn't want hearing anything at all.

"I'll have Edward helping me. You can put us on the very far side of the house from Jasper. In fact, I insist upon that."

Esme shook her head almost completely off. "No. He already said he's staying next to you. Edward will be on the other side or across the hall."

"Edward and I will have the same room."

If it were possible for her to blush, I think she would have. "That won't be necessary. Edward prefers his space, and you won't be interested in anything beyond blood for the first year or so."

This had to be the most asexual coven of vampires on the planet. Was it the diet? If so, I was going to demand a mug of man right after I woke up.

Esme pointed out a room. "This one is perfect for Jasper. A sitting room is shared between it and the one you could stay in."

What kind of Twilight Zone was this? "I'm marrying Edward. He won't want me sharing any kind of room with Jasper."

My words flew in one ear and out the other. She wrote out Jasper's name on the room to the left and mine right next door to his. The sitting room was now labeled as Jasper/Bella's library. She then scribbled Edward's name out on a room on the other side of the house. Rosalie and Emmett were the lucky married couple assigned the same room, and Alice was given the last room, which Esme explained had the largest closet. Apparently, Alice was a clothes hound first and not much else second or even last. Poor her.

With her damage done, Esme flitted out of the room, and I stayed in my spot wondering what the hell kind of family I was joining that didn't automatically put the newlywed couple in the same room. It hardly mattered. Edward and I were going to end up together. Names written on a paper held as much weight as a thimble.

* * *

The next day was when I decided Jasper was the glue holding the sanity together for this family. Esme came out as crazy on Saturday, and Edward's turn arrived on Sunday.

He was looking over color swatches. We had barely spoken today. Talking could either help resolve some of our issues, or it could cause even more to be revealed. With the way I was feeling here lately, any topic would result in a disagreement.

I settled on bringing up something I thought would be easy to sort through, Esme's room assignments. If that subject went well, we could move on to the heavier issues.

"Which room do you want us to claim? I prefer the one she gave you. It'll give us plenty of space."

"We will have both." He held up two color swatches next to his couch. "I'm thinking the Butter Cream. Snow Apple is also lovely."

They were the same color, and who cared? "We don't need both."

"The rooms will be as they have been assigned. One for me and the other for you."

"Like hell they will."

Edward set the colors down and picked up two more. "Language, love. You're a lady."

Lady my ass. I was a pissed off bride wanting to know why we weren't supposed to be sharing a room. "I'm not going to be assigned a room down the hall from you."

"Do you like the Candied Wheat or the Parchment?"

"Pay attention to what I'm saying."

He was fully capable of thinking about a hundred different things at once. What was so hard about this?

"Bella," he chided. "You are looking at this entirely the wrong way. In a house with eight people, space is at a premium. We will have two rooms compared to everyone else's one."

"But you'll be down the hall."

"It's all in where we spend our time, which will be together. Quit sweating the small stuff."

I still had a problem with this. It wasn't about the amount of space. It was the perception that we didn't need to share a room. "I don't like being separated for any reason."

"Nothing can separate us. Besides, Esme put a great deal of thought into the floor plan. You should respect her efforts."

And they should respect my opinions.

Edward moved on to accent colors. "Crisp Pear or Coy Kiwi?"

"They look the same to me."

"Ginger's Snap or Pumpkin?"

If he couldn't even discuss this topic with me, how could I possibly hope for resolution to our other problems? I couldn't decide if he was trying to avoid an argument or if he was genuinely unaware of what was wrong here. This went beyond rooms. It was about no one listening to me.

He waved the cards in my face. "Which one?"

"Go with the ginger."

"Really? Because the other one seems to have more pop?"

_They're fucking identical_. "You prissy pain in my ass. I can't take this."

He stared slack jawed at me as I stomped out of the room. My feet continued their march right out of the house and over to my truck. It was a miracle I made it home in one piece. I was so angry with him for not listening to me or thinking about my feelings I wanted to drive straight into a tree just so I could hurt something.

* * *

The topic on Monday night was all about names. This was so important it required the entire family to meet. Even Jasper arrived just in time for the gathering.

I was never so happy to see someone. It was all on account of the look he gave me. He didn't smile with his lips, but he did with his eyes. I had worried over whether or not he would be mad at me when he saw me again, and he appeared to be fine.

He even sat down beside me and nudged one of my feet. "Hi," he said sweetly.

"Hi, yourself. We missed you."

Well, I missed him. This man listened. He cared about what I said. He didn't give two figs what color his room was or ask me whether I preferred Pancake Yellow or Waffle Batter. We could talk about camel's spitting on my imagination and have it make perfect sense.

Basically, Jasper was grape jelly to my peanut butter, and for the most part, we made shit work. Edward and I were closer to fish and cheese.

The fish component of our little pairing was not a happy man tonight. In addition to the strain that now existed between us, there was something strange being thrown back and forth between him and Jasper. No words were spoken, but it was impossible to miss the tension.

They were participating in some kind of odd tennis match where thoughts and emotions were the ball. From what I could see, Edward was losing. The more time passed the more I saw a new glint in Jasper's eyes. He was very pleased about something.

Meeting. Meeting. Meeting.

Carlisle pushed a button on a remote, and Alice's face filled the television screen. She waved and smiled. "Hi, Bella. You look so pretty in color."

"Hi, Alice."

She turned serious. "We need to begin. The hospital will call in ten minutes."

Carlisle said one word, and the room exploded with noise. "Surnames."

Everyone had an opinion. I couldn't even keep up with them all.

The clamor of voices died down when Esme banged on the table with a gavel. "One at a time."

Rosalie. "You all know I'm keeping Hale."

Carlisle. "Jasper, do you want to continue as her cousin?"

"I'm taking back Whitlock."

Edward objected immediately. "We can't have six Cullens and two strays."

"And you can't be your wife's brother," Jasper pointed out before putting extra thought into it. "On second thought, that might work for you."

Knowing us, it probably would. No one would ever guess we were engaged. I barely believed myself.

Alice spoke up. "What if Bella and I are sisters? Alice and Bella Brandon sound nice."

"Having four last names is too complicated," Emmett complained. "Hale, Cullen, Whitlock, and Brandon. We sound like a law firm, not a family."

Esme suggested the impossible. "Jasper and Edward can be brothers, and Carlisle and I can use Whitlock instead of Cullen. Emmett can be a Brandon with the girls."

Carlisle vetoed that one. "I'm a Cullen."

I thought the whole thing was pretty goofy. Why were names such a big deal? "Alice, Jasper, and I can use Whitlock."

My suggestion set off another round of complaints from everyone. I ignored it all and leaned over to talk to Jasper. "These people have been driving me nuts."

"Did Emmett glue his feet to the ceiling again?"

His feet? "When did that happen?"

"Two summers ago. Esme flipped out."

I bet. "How did you get him down?"

Jasper smiled at me for the first time ever. If I had been standing, it would have knocked me right on my butt.

He said something, but I missed it with all the staring and such. "What did you say?"

He bent down closer to me. "We only had to get his feet down. The rest of him was on the couch."

I giggled at the image that popped into my head. "Only Emmett."

It was Jasper's turn to stare at me. I assumed the worst and brushed at my face. "What? Do I have something on me?"

He shook his head.

Oh no. My teeth. I ran my tongue over them and smiled at him. "Better?"

"I don't think you can be."

Those words and his smile were a deadly combination. "What's got into you tonight?"

"I'm glad to be home, and I like it when you braid your hair."

I sighed. I thought of all the things I loved about him. His smile. The way his hair always fell in his face. The sound of his uneven breathing. His hand shifting gears the day he drove my truck. His name in the mud next to mine. Me melting into a puddle while I thought about my favorite things.

I officially had a crush on Jasper.

The gavel sounded and Esme's voice interrupted the little piece of heaven I was floating in. "It's decided. Rosalie Hale. Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, and Edward Cullen. Alice, Jasper, and Bella Whitlock."

My crush crazed mind thought the last one sounded like the most beautiful name in the world. I fairly fluttered with delight.

Yep. I was crushing hard.

* * *

Edward, the prissy color picking Cullen kid, was not a happy camper. A slamming door followed our exit from the house. Squealing tires announced our departure from the property.

"Bella Whitlock," he spit out. "Why can't you be my sister?"

"Because it's disgusting."

"No. You and Alice sharing his name disgusts me."

With Alice included, this wasn't a jealousy thing. Unless it was. If that were the case, we had way bigger problems than Jasper, but I already knew that.

"Why do you care about Alice's name?"

"Because like you, she's too good to be associated with him. He's no better than an animal. Base. Cruel. Murderous. I will not have my wife sharing his name."

I had to laugh at that. "But a library is just dandy."

"What did you say?"

"A library. It's really more of an office or sitting room. Jasper and I are going to share one in the new house."

"Over my dead body."

A thought hit me. "If you spend most of your time in the dining room, my library with Jasper really will be over your dead body. Funny, right?"

He sent me a withering glare. "It is not remotely funny."

Jasper would think it was.

Just to be a pain in the butt, I poked the bear again. "I think we should paint the room Brazen Sunset, but you know Jasper will prefer Orange Blossom just to be contrary."

"You will not pick colors with him."

Probably not. Neither of us would care what the room looked like. If it had our books and a couple of comfortable chairs, we'd be perfectly content. Now that I considered it more carefully, my room assignment might not be so bad after all.

Edward hit the brakes, and I slammed into the dashboard. He didn't even spare me a glance before whipping out his phone.

"Esme, change the plans. I want the room next to Bella."

Did he have to almost kill me before making this phone call? It kind of defeated the purpose.

"I don't care what he says. Change the plans," Edward ordered.

She said something else, and he erupted violently. "A bathroom, too. Goddammit."

Edward threw his phone against the front window. "You are not moving into that room."

I had had more than enough of him telling me what I could and could not do. "Get the message, Bob. I'll do exactly whatever the hell I wanna do. Now, take me home before you accidentally kill me."

"Did you just call me Bob?"

Good ears, cowboy, but you missed all the important shit I said. "Yes, I called you Bob. Is that a problem?"

"You know it is."

Well, I had a problem with him calling me silly and ridiculous. "Does it suck to be called something you don't like, _Bob_?"

Again, he missed the message. "Could you try to act your age, Bella? I can't talk to you when you behave like a child."

One could argue I was acting my age, or at least playing catch up on the years when I didn't. "You don't want me to act my age. You want me to act yours. "

Edward steered our argument onto a dangerous path. "You're right. I want the mature woman I fell in love with. She professed herself ready to get married and commit herself to me for an eternity. You want to call me names and make jokes about my dead body."

There was an endless amount of comments I could make about that, but he wrecked me with more of his own concerns.

"Do you not know how much it hurts when you show no interest in our wedding? I feel like I'm alone in all this. What happened to us working as a team?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't know you felt like that."

Edward put the car in gear, and we were back on our way. This didn't signal an end to the talk. If anything, it grew more serious.

"I had nothing to live for until I found you. You are my whole world, Bella. If I lose you, I lose everything."

That was pushing things a little far. "You wouldn't lose everything. You have a great family and -"

"No. You are my life. Without you, there is only death for me."

"Edward, I wish you wouldn't say things like that. It scares me."

"Should I lie? Because I can't. I want you to know how important you are."

I didn't hear how important I was. I heard him say he would die without me. "It sounds like you're saying you would kill yourself if we split up."

He turned to look at me. "This just goes to show how little you pay attention. I know I haven't been listening to you lately, but you haven't been listening to me either. I talk, and you stare into space."

Only because he never said anything of value. On the rare occasion he did, my ears perked up, and I listened. Or did I?

I couldn't remember him telling me anything about his concerns other than that day in school when he was worried about new beginnings. Had I missed all his other worries while I focused entirely on my own? Was I trying to take tonight's talk and twist it into something it wasn't?

I either didn't listen, or he was suicidal. What would he do without me? If our problems grew worse, would he take drastic measures? I didn't know, and my uncertainty set back some of the progress I made.

* * *

The argument over room assignments raged for two days. Anytime I visited the Cullen house, the topic was being debated. I was glad for the distraction. It kept my mind off my fears over Edward.

Everyone put in their two cents on the room argument. Emmett agreed I should be close to Jasper. If I had trouble adjusting, Edward would be less apt to use force to subdue me. Emmett and Jasper would have no such qualms. Rosalie took her husband's side. She declared it irresponsible to consider any other arrangement. Hearing this convinced Esme to move her and Emmett to the room on the other side of mine. This put me sandwiched between them and Jasper.

Edward and Carlisle were more optimistic. They felt I would adjust with the same ease Esme had. They saw me as a gentle creature whose human traits would find a way to overcome my instincts, just as hers had.

Jasper was the only one without an opinion. He stood off to the side throughout the different debates and never uttered a word. A few months ago, I might have completely forgotten he was around. This was no longer the case. He had the majority of my attention. I watched him closely hoping he would look at me.

It wasn't about the rooms. I was begging him for some time alone. We hadn't had any in days, and I missed him. I needed to talk with someone about my Edward issues, and I knew Jasper would listen.

_Please, look at me. Get me out of here. _ _Something. Anything._

Jasper didn't so much as glance in my direction. I got the feeling he was ignoring me on purpose. Only once did I see a change in him. It happened after Edward gave the worst possible excuse for why I wouldn't like the bathroom Jasper and I were supposed to share.

"Bella doesn't take showers."

Emmett followed that up with a joke about me being a dirty girl. The whole room burst into laughter. Jasper only showed a hint of a smile. It grew when Edward tackled Emmett.

"Take it outside," Esme ordered. "I don't want more holes in the walls."

They jumped at the chance to spar out behind the house. Edward needed to relieve built up tension, and his brother never turned down a fight. Carlisle and Esme followed, both offering to referee the match. Rosalie huffed and puffed all the way out the door.

Her exit left Jasper and me alone. To my disappointment, he stayed in statue mode. I couldn't blame him. This place was stifling. The open floor plan and clean white walls weren't enough to stop this house from feeling like a cage.

I stayed in my spot on the couch and admired the artwork standing twenty feet away. What was on his mind? I hoped it wasn't how often I bathed. Why would Edward even say that? It was completely false.

"I bathe twice a day sometimes," I muttered to myself.

The dead guy in the corner had no comment. I tried to find some way of getting him to talk. His appearance seemed like an obvious place to start. He was well put together for a change, very business like.

"Are you going somewhere?" I asked.

"Yes."

"You look nice."

He took a seat across from me. "As opposed to how terrible I usually look?"

Jasper never looked terrible. He just wasn't as concerned about his appearance as the others. If a shirt was torn, he mended it rather than throwing it out. Everyone else came out of a fashion magazine.

"All I'm saying is you are dressed very nicely today. I like the black shirt."

"Thank you." He paused to inspect me. "You look like you're wearing what Edward picked out for you this morning."

I was. The top was something Alice sent me weeks ago. I hated the drab gray and the lace. The black pants fit well, but I would have preferred my jeans. Basically, I hated the whole outfit from the blouse down to the impractical heels. I could barely walk in normal shoes. These were just asking for me to fall.

"Edward wanted me to give Alice's clothes a chance. What do you think? Do I look okay?"

"No."

Blunt and honest. I appreciated both. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

His disapproval had me making excuses. "This was just an experiment. It wasn't all Edward. I wanted to try something different."

"Sure you did."

Enough about the clothes. "Where are you going?" I asked.

"I have a meeting to attend, which reminds me. Are you sure about using my last name? If not, you should tell me now."

Honestly, my new name appealed to me more than it probably should. "It's fine."

"As you wish."

Jasper rose to his feet and went straight for the front door. I, being an idiot, chased after him. "Hey, can I go with y- ahh."

My left foot twisted funny sending me straight to the floor. I knew these shoes would get me hurt. I sat up and massaged my ankle. It seemed to be mostly fine, but these heels were destined for the trash.

Jasper looked down at me and shook his head. "You are such a disappointment, Bella."

Ouch. Just stab me. A disappointment? What did I do to him?

"And you're such a gentleman," I snapped. "You didn't even try to keep me from falling."

I held out a hand expecting him to help me up. Edward would have. Why shouldn't Jasper?

I could have sworn his lip curled with distaste. "Have you ever considered you might fall less if you didn't have so many people helping you back up?"

"I fall because I'm clumsy."

"You fall because you don't pay attention. It doesn't make you clumsy. It makes you careless."

Between his critical tone and the attitude he threw at me, I was about ready to cry. Who was he to judge? Stupid, rude, arrogant jerk. My crush on him went up in smoke. I now deemed it a moment of pure stupidity. No wonder he had no one. He was an asshole.

Jasper turned sharply and marched off to the front door. Edward came barreling through just before he reached it. My exceedingly angry fiancé had murder in his eyes. I expected some sort of confrontation, but nothing happened.

Jasper left. Edward growled at him. I threw my shoes at the front door.

* * *

**Author's Note:  
Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Sorry about the lack of review replies this last week. My father had surgery, and all my free time has been spent with him. **

**Chapter 5 should be posted next Wednesday.**

- Cris


	5. Chapter 5 Birds

**Conversations with My Killer  
**Chapter 5 - Birds

I had a touch and go relationship with baseball. Watching the Cullens play was very entertaining until the deaths of three vampires interrupted my fun. Playing the sport in gym class was dangerous for me and everyone around me. My coaches usually discovered by the second go around that I should observe but never participate.

My life was like a baseball game. I observed from the sidelines and still managed to get hit with a few foul balls. The person aiming for me today was Mike Newton. The ball was an actual baseball.

I really only had myself to blame for today's mishap. The day was sunny, which meant Edward was not allowed out in public, but I was desperate for some sun and carefree fun. So I called up Jacob and asked him to meet up with me at the park down the road from my house. It was an Edward approved rendezvous point for my werewolf friend and me.

I arrived at the park a good thirty minutes early. When I saw a group of my human friends playing baseball, I moved closer and took on the role of spectator. I figured it would be a nice, relaxing way to kill time while I waited for Jacob.

Ten minutes later, I was blissfully unaware of danger when a large hand appeared in front of my face. Jacob caught a ball that had been gunning for my skull.

"Are you blind?" he asked.

"I didn't see it."

People ran over to check on us. Mike Newton apologized for something that wasn't even his fault. The girls cooed over big, strong Jacob for saving me. Fortunately, this only lasted a few minutes. He wasn't a very inviting individual, and the players returned to their game.

Jacob pointed out another bench. "We need to move to that one."

We circled around to the other bench. I had yet to see any balls come near this spot. Common sense should have told me to sit here in the first place. This got me thinking about what Jasper said.

I wasn't careless. I was unlucky. Right? "Jake, do you remember all the times I've been hurt?"

"Your accidents only happen when I'm not around. I only get to see the damage report."

Jacob went through a short list of some of my more memorable accidents. "There was the time you didn't properly set up a ladder. It tilted over and sent you into a freshly painted wall. That was funny. You walked into a glass door not two months ago. And who can forget you trying hurdles set up for the boy's track team? That was stupid."

I only did it because I heard Lauren Mallory making fun of me in the locker room. "It was stupid."

"Yep."

"Do you think I'm careless?"

Jake. My buddy. My friend. He laughed at me.

"It's not funny."

"Yes, it is. The girl marrying a vampire wants to know if she's careless. Damn, Bella. Use your head."

"I'm trying to."

"Good. Try opening your eyes. You might actually see trouble coming before it smacks you in the face."

The opening my eyes part was exactly what I had been trying to do.

Jake thumped his beefy hand on my shoulder. It was supposed to be a comforting pat. "What's got you down? You know – other than the whole careless, crazy, whiny chick thing."

"Jasper hates me."

"Who?"

"Edward's brother. The blond one. You call him Smiles."

Edward and Emmett had a good laugh over the nickname. Jasper acted as if he didn't care at all, but I always secretly believed he cared very much.

"I wish you would stop calling him that. It's not very nice."

"The others call him The Reaper. Is that better?"

Not really. "Just call him Jasper. He's my friend, too, and I don't like you making fun of him."

Jacob eyed me curiously. "A friend who hates you. How's that work?"

"He doesn't hate me. I think he's just mad at me for wearing clothes Edward picked out. He's not even really mad. Just disappointed."

"You're right. Smiles is all wrong. He's officially the Voice of Reason."

I should have expected him to say that. "You just don't like Edward."

"We've had that conversation. Jasper is new ground. Let's dig there."

Good point. I dug deeper for him. "It's not just the clothes. When I fell the other day, he didn't try to stop it or even bother to help me up. He called me careless and said I have too many people helping me."

"You do."

He was right, which meant mean ol' Jasper was, too. Dammit.

* * *

Long walks in the woods and a visit to the meadow made up my next couple of days. My focus returned to Edward. It was all on account of my pride not letting me speak to Jasper. I hated how he seemed to know me better than I knew myself.

This led me right back to Edward. He was my safety net against the growing interest I had in the family gargoyle.

My man must have sensed my renewed commitment because Edward returned to being the person I feel in love with. He stopped dictating my every move. He listened to me when I talked. He stopped spouting off cheesy lines like someone straight out of an over-processed romance novel. No sonnets. No declarations of undying love. He resembled a real person for a change.

He still had the problem of nature preferring him over the rest of us mere mortals. Proof came when a bird played my camel and landed a nice shot on my shirt. Somewhere Jasper was laughing at this.

Edward certainly was. "Why do these things only happen to you?"

Because he was too pretty to be soiled by the droppings of a bird, and I tempted fate by lying about crap hitting my clothes. I plopped down on the ground and managed to avoid the mud.

Edward surprised me by deliberately sitting in the dirt. "Now we're both dirty," he beamed with pride.

"Why did you do that?"

"Because you secretly wanted me to."

He had me there. "Why didn't you do it before?"

Edward pulled me into his side and slung an arm over my shoulders. "I just figured it out. You fall. I stay upright. You get dirty. I stay clean. It has to be driving you crazy."

"You have no idea. I keep hoping a dump truck of fertilizer has your name on it. You need to get some junk on you."

"So do it. Give me your worst. I'll sit here and take it."

My worst was a handful of mud slapped on top of his head. Edward's eyes widened in shock. Mine must have matched. I couldn't believe I did that.

"I was wrong," he said out through clenched teeth.

"About what?"

"Giving me your worst. You better run."

I scrambled to my feet and took off. The sweet person in him gave me a thirty second head start. I was giggling and smiling like an idiot when Edward caught me and pulled me unceremoniously down to the ground. He shook the mud off him, which naturally landed on me.

"This is gross. How can it possibly make you happy?" he asked.

"It fools me into thinking we might work."

His smile disappeared. "What do you mean?"

"I feel like you're so much better than me. There is no way I can reach you."

"I feel the same way."

Impossible. He couldn't feel like me. "Just look at you. Us together defies the laws of nature, and I'm not talking human and vampire."

"Then what are you saying?"

"I'm that dorky girl with the frizzy hair and the braces that stayed on an extra year, and until I met you, I liked that about me. I never wanted to be perfect, but I feel like I have to try so I have a shot at keeping up with you."

That smile of his I loved so much came back. It was off-center and wonderful.

"Bella, I'm that dorky boy with the voices in his head and the bizarre diet who plays piano all day because he can't figure out how to have real friends. He loves frizzy haired girls who trip over their feet and sing all the wrong words to songs on the radio."

Then what the hell was wrong with us? On good days like this, it was hard to remember anything but what was in front of me. And he was so pretty and sweet. Anyone unhappy with him would be out of their mind. I was marrying a wonderful man, and it wasn't fair for me to punish him for all my insecurities. I needed to lighten up. I also needed to kiss him. Right now.

I leaned in and landed a soft kiss on his lips. It was divine right up until Edward backed away. "Let's not ruin the day."

All my complaints returned with a vengeance. It hurt so much I couldn't even form words. I sat there and let the pain wrap me up in a suffocating blanket.

Ruin the day. Ruin my life.

"Don't get mad about this," he begged. "You don't understand what I mean."

"Could you explain it? Because I really need you to."

"It's hard for me to control myself around you. I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm afraid of going too far. If I hurt you, it would kill me."

I heard all this before. "I need more than that."

He punched at the ground. "When I touch you, I'm not thinking about how wonderful it is. I'm analyzing how tight I'm holding you. I'm trying not to crush your skull. Kissing is work. I feel so much pressure to do it, and it ruins every moment I spend with you."

I got it. It sucked, but I got it. "I'm sorry. I'll stop pushing you."

He took my hands in his. "I should have stated my feelings more carefully. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings."

Edward was coming across as the bad guy when he had a legitimate complaint. I had no doubt he loved me. If our roles were reversed, I would probably feel the same as him. I went into this relationship knowing the challenges. It wasn't fair to put all the blame on him or to expect more than what I knew he could give me.

Knowing this didn't change how much it hurt when he pushed me away. His words replayed in my head and still carried a crushing blow with them. I was seriously pissed about this. I knew it was immature of me. I should be more understanding of his struggles, but it sucked feeling like this.

On top of all that, Edward got a phone call when we were on our way back to the house. "Wait. Alice, you're cutting out on me."

. . . "No, of course.

. . . "I'll be there as soon as I can."

He ended the call, and without even taking a chance to explain, he picked me up and ran for the house. I was a rag doll he kept with him as a toy.

When we made it to the house, he deposited me on the front step. "I have to go to Idaho. Remember the rules. No werewolves. No road trips. Don't go anywhere without one of my brothers. Be a good girl, and I'll be back soon."

Edward patted me lightly on the head and left me in the dust before I even had a chance to scream at him for treating me like a puppy.

Jasper stepped outside on the porch just in time to see Edward peel out of the driveway. "What's in Idaho?"

My voice sounded dead even to my own ears. "Potatoes and Alice."

For someone who hadn't seen his closest friend in over a year, Jasper was decidedly uninterested in Alice or what was going on with her. He was too busy looking me over.

He picked a piece of grass off my shirt. "Playing in the mud again?"

"Yes."

"Edward talks to you like you're four."

"I know."

"So why are you sad instead of mad?"

I was still smarting over Edward claiming a kiss from me ruined his day. It was as bad as him treating me like I was a child. "I'm not sad or mad."

Jasper knew it wasn't the truth. Rather than push for answers, he invited me upstairs. "Come on. You can use my shower."

And be disappointing again. No thank you. I was beat down enough. I didn't need him making it worse. "I think I'll just go home."

"Why? So you can cry over Edward until he comes back."

"No. I need time to think. I have to find a way to fix what's wrong with us."

"Why is it your responsibility to fix it, Bella? All you ask is for him to bend, but he wants you to break. This seems unfair."

"That's not true."

He punched at me with a long list. "Your clothes. Your language. Where you go. Who you spend time with. Your new surname. The room you'll stay in. Marriage. Barely any affection. Should I continue?"

"I ask for just as much as him."

Jasper counted out a few things on his fingers. "Love. Sex. Death. All of which benefit you both."

Could he stop being so right about everything? I wanted to push him off a mountain. "I'm not talking about this with you."

"Run and hide at your house then. Waste days or weeks deciding to let him have what he wants. Why bother enjoying the last of your human life when you can cry over his unreasonable demands?"

If throwing something at Jasper would do any real damage to him, I would do it. He was impenetrable. I was the weak one. Everyone knew it. Even after I was turned, I would be a liability. I hated that. I hated that Edward made me feel like this.

"If you're so smart, tell me what you would do," I challenged.

"Anything and everything he won't let you do when he's around. What have you done in your life? You can travel after you're turned. It's the little things you'll never get to experience that you should be thinking about."

I wiped at the few tears that had fallen. "Like what?"

"Like drinking yourself into oblivion. Walking a cliff's edge when it's still dangerous. Riding a motorcycle when the speed still feels fast. Edward may want you to remain human, but he refuses to let you live."

His words pounded at the rebellious teen inside who never came out to play. I kept her quiet and subdued with promises of more fun in her next life. What if I didn't have that? What if I didn't survive the change? These could be the last days of my life.

I felt sick inside just thinking of what that meant. Days of crying over my problems with Edward were not in the cards. I needed to stand tall and do something I wanted to do. I just didn't know what that was. I knew so little about everything.

Jasper knocked on the wall to get my attention. "Are you listening or did you space out on me?"

"I'm listening."

"Then say something."

"About what? I wouldn't trust you to help me walk across a room much less the edge of a cliff."

He zeroed in on the real problem. "You can't still be angry about the other day."

"Actually, I can. Being called disappointing is about as bad as it gets."

He grew tired of waiting and went for the front door. "You're angry because I was right about you. Now get over it, and come play with me."

"In your shower?"

Jasper tripped. "What did you say?"

I wanted to thump myself on the head. What was I thinking asking him that? I tried to act innocent. "I like flowers."

"And playing with me in the shower?"

I would probably like that, too, but like so many other things, I'd never do it. "No. Just flowers."

"Liar." He took a few steps before looking back. "Are you coming or not?"

"You never apologize, do you?"

"Only when I mean it. I'm not here to guard your feelings or take special care with you. Every minute you spend with me and manage to make it out alive is a miracle for both of us."

Did this not prove how little I could trust him? "With an invitation like that, I should run while I still can."

"Probably, but where's the fun in that?"

Jasper opened the front door. "Are you coming or not?"

There was no way. "Not today."

"Another time then."

Edward would have been happy about me avoiding his brother. Jasper was going upstairs, and I was about to go home. I was a good girl. Edward had me trained so well that he didn't even need to be here to control me. No wonder he patted me on the head. I was a pet.

The good puppy in me decided to pee on the carpet. "Jasper, wait."

"What?"

"Can you take me somewhere tonight? I want to see something new or try something daring but not too daring. I break easy."

His slow smile would be the death of me. "Midnight. Your house. Don't keep me waiting."

* * *

Jasper took me to some cliffs overlooking what sounded like a relatively calm ocean. The scenery reminded me of a place I had been to with Jacob. That location was off limits to anyone in the Cullen family, but this place was well beyond wolf territory.

"Jump," he encouraged.

No way. I couldn't see anything. This wasn't even daring. It was just stupid. There could be rocks. I could drown. What if I got eaten by a big fish?

He guided me closer to the edge. "Don't be a coward."

"I'm not jumping."

And I didn't. He pushed me.

My feet were on the earth and then nothing was below me but water. Air rushed by me, and my screams filled the air.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes just before hitting the water. I had to fight to keep from gasping and breathing in the water around me. The cold was unexpected. I desperately flailed for the surface breaking through after too many long seconds.

"Nice job," Jasper yelled from above me. "Stay clear of the sharks. I'll be back in an hour."

My blood boiled. "Jasper Whitlock, you jump in this water with me. Right now," I shouted.

He did as I commanded. I couldn't see him, but I knew it was a perfect dive executed with an effortlessness I could never hope to copy.

He surfaced close to me. His first words made me angrier. "I was unsure if you could even swim."

I splashed him. "Jerk. I could have drowned."

"That would be unfortunate."

He was so robotic in his answers and expressions. I wanted to slap him around just to see if I could get some life to show up in him again.

"Could you at least pretend to have some kind of soul or personality?"

"I could tousle my hair and preach abstinence if it makes you more comfortable."

I ignored the obvious jab at Edward. "I'm all turned around. How do I get to shore?"

"Swim straight ahead. You'll get there soon enough."

This was a very poorly planned field trip. I had no idea how far we were from the house. I was freezing, and my wet clothes were going to be very uncomfortable. Making matters worse, I had a companion that enjoyed risking my life for his own personal amusement.

When I reached the shore, I climbed out of the water and sat down on the ground. I was glum over the decline in my relationship, and feeling dumb for letting Jasper get to me.

Glum and Dumb. My two best friends. We should get matching bracelets.

My evil friend got out of the water. A second later, he dropped a bag next to me. "Towels and a change of clothes."

Thank God.

Jasper turned around, and I stripped and changed while he did the same. I was starting to think he wasn't so evil after all. He probably wouldn't have let me drown, and he did bring a change of clothes. It was almost sweet.

I sat back down, and he joined me. "What's wrong with you? Every time I see you, you're a different girl."

The truth was I still didn't know what was wrong with me. I was rarely excited about anything. I felt like I was dead already, and if this was what dead felt like, why did I even want to be turned? I knew the greater part of my reasoning for it was directly associated with Edward. I wanted to be with him forever. It was just that forever now seemed like such a long time. Before, it was just a word. Now, it was a possibility, and I was scared of it.

Could it be that the root of my problems was a gigantic case of cold feet? I was eighteen. What the hell did I know about forever? Not a damn thing.

"Jasper, what do you do in a hundred years when you've seen the world and you have nothing else to do? What keeps you wanting to go on? What do you live for when you're already dead?"

"Not dead. Different."

I knew that, but my head wasn't being as positive with the spin as it usually was. "Fine. I won't be dead, but won't I get bored?"

"Never. The world is endlessly fascinating. You can make games out of the littlest things."

"Yeah, sure I can."

"Don't be so negative. Take birds for instance. Alice came to me one day with a game where we caught them. Regrettably, my first few tries were unsuccessful."

"You missed them?"

"I caught the birds, but I crushed them in my hands."

Dead, squishy birds. "That's really gross."

"It was. Their smell is obnoxious."

It was always about smell with him. "Why didn't you give up?"

"It turned into a training exercise. It taught me to be mindful of my strength. We worked for weeks on it until we found the right touch. It came at a very critical time for me. I was experiencing some difficulties and needed a distraction."

"What kind of difficulties?"

"I began to think differently that fall. It happened over night. One day I was satisfied with my lot in life, and the next I was not. This lifestyle is simply not a good fit for me. I find it unnatural during the best of times and unbearable during the worst."

"What time would you say you're in now? Best or worst."

"The worst. Probably the worst ever."

It was a scary thought knowing the person you were with could so easily change into a killer in the blink of an eye. How much did I really know about Jasper? Could I even trust him?

I avoided the touchy subject. It seemed best. "When was the last time you played with the birds?"

"Years, but that will change soon."

The way he said it gave me pause. "What are you not telling me?"

"I am leaving in a couple months or so. The birds will keep me occupied."

"Why are you leaving?"

"I can't be here when you wake up."

That didn't fit together in my head right. Jasper was supposed to help me. Edward would be there, of course, but Jasper was the one with the most experience with newborns.

"I don't understand. I thought you were supposed to help me."

"I am. My leaving will help us both. Do not ask me how. I have no wish to discuss it tonight."

Well, that shut down my next question. I could have pushed for more, but he was already giving me a great deal of information. I didn't want him to stop talking to me completely.

"How long will you be gone?"

"It could be days, but a couple weeks are more likely."

For someone who was complaining about him just a few minutes ago, I sure turned my feelings around. The thought of him leaving for weeks was devastating. I enjoyed our time together. I didn't want to lose it for even a moment.

"Promise you'll come back."

Jasper's face broke from its usual mold with a sad smile. "I have no choice but to come back."

"Why is that?"

"When the only other alternative is death, there are no choices. But enough about that. Ask me about the birds instead."

I remembered the day I asked him one too many questions. With that in mind, I went with the subject he preferred. "What do you like about them?"

"The hunt."

"I don't really see the point. You'd have to kill a ton to get much out of them."

"It's strictly catch and release. I hunt them but never eat them. Their flavor is not something I enjoy."

"Then why bother now that you've perfected your technique?"

"More challenge. They're faster and more difficult to catch than an animal."

For some reason, this was hilarious to me. "The world's most dangerous predator will be playing with birds."

Jasper laughed. "And the second will be playing with Edward."

"I'm not a predator. Yet."

He had to challenge my words. It was what he did every time. "You already are one. All you're doing is moving up the food chain."

"Assuming I kill humans."

"You will kill people, Bella. You will not have a perfect record."

"Carlisle does. Why can't I?"

"You don't even know what you are, do you? I should have guessed Edward didn't tell you."

I was a boring girl lucky enough to have met extraordinary people. "What do mean?"

"Already as a human, you can smell blood and block Edward's invasion of your mind. You will not be a normal vampire. Your mind. Your sense of smell. You will be stronger than most. We all know it."

"You don't know that."

"We talked before about sensing power. It is no different with humans. Edward is not making an average vampire when he turns you. We all expect your blood lust to surpass that of a regular newborn. Edward expects you to be a monster, but he is willing to turn you regardless of the risks."

The truth was a little different. Edward despised the idea of me turning. He was only doing it because I demanded it. "That's not true. He wouldn't do it if he thought that."

"You give him so much more credit than he deserves. By turning you, he creates what you humans consider a killer. He is doing it for the simple opportunity to taste your blood. He could kill you, but the family wants to see if they can use your mind to make them more powerful."

Jasper was twisting the whole situation into something it wasn't. The family did not think of me that way. "You make things sound so much worse than they are. My potential and the taste of my blood are not even a consideration. The family only cares about me, and Edward doesn't even want to change me. I'm the one forcing the issue."

"You still assume that what he feels is love. Are you really willing to give up your humanity knowing there is a chance you are wrong? That is a huge risk. Is it worth it?"

In moments like this the answer was yes. A thousand times yes. "If you ever loved someone, you would understand. I would risk anything for the kind of love he feels for me."

"Feels for you but not what you feel for him."

"You know I love him. And if I didn't believe he loved me, why would I change?"

Jasper rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "For yourself. Immortality has its perks."

"I'm giving up my humanity for love. Not perks."

"No, you are giving it up for an illusion. It is possible you won't even remember your love for him after you are changed. Your human memories will fade as will the emotions that accompany them."

"What about you? Do you remember anything you cared for as a human?"

"My horse."

That made my eyebrows rise. "Your horse?"

Jasper got defensive. "He was my friend. I spent more time with him in the weeks leading to my death than I did with anyone else. He left the most lasting impression. And I liked my horse."

It was the nicest thing I had ever heard him say. Sure it was about a horse, but it was good to know he cared about something. It made him more human to me.

"Somehow that makes me like you more."

"Just be careful not to like me too much. No good can come of it."

It was too late for that. I already liked him a great deal, even the rough parts that told me I was careless and disappointing. Jasper always told me something, which was far better than nothing. In fact, it would suit me just fine if my last days were spent with him.

* * *

**Author's Note:  
Thanks for all the well wishes for my dad. He's doing much better this week.  
**

**Chapter six should be posted next Wednesday or Thursday.**

**Like always, thank you all for reading and another big thanks to the ones who left a review. I always enjoy reading people's thoughts on the characters and the story. Have a great week.**

**- Cris  
**


	6. Chapter 6 Getting Closer

**Conversations with My Killer  
**Chapter 6 - Getting Closer

The next few days were all about Jasper. I spent every waking moment with him. Emmett didn't bother us at all. It was as if the whole family was in on this grand scheme to get the iceman and me to grow closer. With Edward gone, it was the perfect opportunity for that to happen.

My new companion went everywhere with me. Tonight, we were at a going away party for Eric Yorkie. I wasn't close friends with him, but being here would give me a chance to spend some final moments with people I wouldn't get to see again in just a few more months.

It didn't work out the way I wanted. Most people wouldn't come anywhere near me with Jasper standing at my side. He was less than welcoming with his almost constant sneer and his rude one word comments.

He was also very impatient to get out of here. "I am so glad we walked. We can use that as an excuse to leave early."

He preferred to walk – run really – everywhere. Cars were something he never appreciated. He could drive, but he didn't particularly feel a need to do so unless he had a great distance to cover.

"If you would stop being mean to everyone, you might actually have some fun."

He wrinkled up his nose. "I doubt it. These humans smell worse than usual. It's disgusting. All booze, hormones, and body odor."

"Make a game out of it like you did with the birds."

"What sort of game? Who showered last? I can already tell you that."

His attitude was ruining what should have been a fun night. "If you're going to be like this, why don't you go home?"

"I refuse to leave you at the mercy of hormonal teenage boys drunk on cheap liquor and high on misplaced affection."

Oh what a gentleman he was. Mercy me.

All sarcasm aside, it was pretty nice of him to look out for me. Edward would have decided we weren't going. Jasper accompanied me even when he didn't want to come along. When I tried thanking him earlier, he got snippy with me about it. The evening had gone downhill from there. Humans bored him.

Jessica ran over to us and jumped up and down excitedly. "Oh my God. You would not believe what I heard."

"Does it involve two fingers or a well executed flick?" Jasper asked.

_Fingers and a flick, what? _

Jessica looked as confused as I was. She turned her attention to me and proceeded to gossip about someone getting an STD from a trip to Seattle. I thought sex was required for that, but apparently, simple travel was all that was needed. And there I went being a sarcastic bitch again. It was happening more lately than ever.

Fortunately, Jessica ran off in search of another person who needed to hear the news. This was good for my ears and my nose. The smell of beer on her breath about knocked me down.

Jasper wasn't so quiet with his disdain. "That child should be put down. Her only redeeming quality is her snack preferences."

I shouldn't have asked, but I did. "How so?"

"She snacks on chocolate. I've heard it makes the blood better."

Ah. The vampire was feeling peckish. The night was finally getting entertaining. "She is a person. A human. You don't kill humans."

"I'm supposed to, and you want to be turned into a creature that feels the same."

Before I commented, I led us outside to a rock bench where we wouldn't be overheard.

"You are capable of choosing your diet, Jasper. You've done so for over fifty years."

"We are all given choices, but the question is how do you decide which is right and which is wrong."

Laughter from across the lawn caught my attention. Lauren was again making note of my proximity to Jasper. Jessica was laughing with her. It might not have upset me last time, but this time it did.

"If you're going to slip, could you possibly consider killing one of them? I think they need it."

"I'm capable of doing many things, but why limit it to them? I could pull you into the woods and take you there. Is that right or wrong?"

Not likely. "Don't tease about killing me. I know you won't."

Jasper then did the most shocking thing I could think of. He got down on his knees in front of the bench and bent down to kiss my inner thigh. Holy shit.

"What are you doing?" I demanded in a harsh whisper. "People are watching us."

"I don't care what they see. I care about you. You said kill, and I had something else in mind."

But why? We weren't like that, not even remotely.

_But we could be. _Where did that thought come from? Him. Definitely him.

Jasper wasn't even touching me now, and I felt loopy. This was not happening. I had to be dreaming. I shook my head trying to clear my mind from the dream I knew this had to be.

It wasn't a dream, and I felt too much. My breathing became more rapid. My heart was thumping harder with each second. I could feel the heat radiate off the blush in my cheeks. This was like being with Edward when he kissed me.

Jasper's voice tickled at my heart. "Your feelings betray you, Bella. Is it right or wrong?"

Thinking about how hard I wanted him to rock me was bad. Very bad. "Wrong. It's wrong."

He returned to sitting next to me on the bench like nothing happened. It didn't take long for the unwanted feelings to dissipate. With my mind back in place, I searched for witnesses, namely Jessica and Lauren.

Jasper answered my question before I could even ask it. "They went to tell others to come watch us."

No one would believe them. Now back to business. "What were you doing?"

"You want to know what it is to be a vampire. I gave you just a small taste of how it feels to desire something against your will. Magnify what you felt by a million, and that is how much you will desire blood. Can you fight it? Will you be strong enough?"

He used his stupid power against me. I slapped at his leg, not that it did any good. "You can't do that stuff. It isn't right."

"Don't ignore my question. If you can't fight against the small taste of passion I just gave you, how can you fight an urge that will be significantly more powerful?"

"Edward will help me."

"He can't. Time will help you. Effort will help you. But why bother with that when nature says you should eat your intended food source? Why fight the natural urge to feed on that which sustains us best?"

"Because it's the right thing to do."

"No, it is simply another choice. You walk into a buffet. Do you pick salad, chicken, or beef? A human can have all three. Why shouldn't I have the same sort of selection?"

**

* * *

**

The next day Jasper and I were back at our beach from the night when he pushed me off the cliff. Access was very limited. The best part about this place was that no one else ever came here. Even with the sun shining, Jasper didn't have to hide.

On the walk here, I had felt self-conscious about letting him see me in my swimsuit. It seemed silly now. He didn't care about his scars. I shouldn't care that I was less than perfect either. It turned out he liked my imperfections. I should have known he would. After taking a swim, we were lying on our towels enjoying the sun.

Jasper's eyes wandered leisurely up my bare legs. "You have so many scars. I've only seen them today, but I'm going to miss them."

"That's a very odd thing to say."

"We match right now. After you're turned, you'll be flawless like the others."

"Can I convince you to bite me a few times and fix that?" I teased.

He was completely appalled by the idea. "Absolutely not. Marked females are prostitutes or freaks advertising how much they enjoy extreme pain."

If that was how the females were seen, what about him? "I have a question about your scars, but I don't want to upset you like I did with Maria."

"She is the only closed topic. My scars have an open season."

I wish I had known that earlier. "Edward said they mark you as a murderer. Is that really how others see you, or was he just being mean?"

Jasper traced one of my own that ran along my elbow. "There is no hiding my past. I am a murderer."

"Not if you acted in your own defense."

"Many of my kills were premeditated and didn't earn me a single injury. I was the army's executioner. Only two ever escaped us."

I remembered their story. "Peter and Charlotte, right? You said they were your friends."

"Yes."

Their escape gave them a chance at a happy ending, but Jasper never said if they found it. "What happened to them?"

"They died in December of 1905, and no, it wasn't Maria who killed them."

"So who did?"

"Me." He pointed out a scar on his left arm. "Charlotte was a biter."

What would cause him to kill them twenty years after he left Maria's army?

"Say it, Bella. Call me a monster or a betrayer. Everyone else does."

I wasn't going to jump to negative conclusions or accuse him of anything. "I'm sorry you were put in a position where you had to kill them. Did you do it to save yourself?"

"If I did, would it justify blindsiding a friend who trusted me and then killing his wife?"

It was impossible to know without having been a witness. "I don't think it's fair to have an opinion since I wasn't there."

"For a girl with black and white views on right and wrong, you are surprisingly accepting of my past. Why is that?"

"You don't apologize unless you mean it. You also don't hide your cruelty behind a mask of civility. Both make you more sincere than a hundred supposedly nice people. I guess you could say I trust you more and yet less than anyone I've ever met."

Jasper practically glowed from within. He would never admit how much he liked my answer, but it was written all over his face. There was even a new openness to him that had been lacking before, which was strange considering I just told him how much and how little I trusted him. Then again, nothing about us ever made much sense.

One of his hands glided up my calf to a jagged mark along my leg. "Tell me about this scar."

I had to blink a few times to clear the fog out of my eyes. His smile still made me feel like he kicked me in the chest. Add in his touch, and I was stuck staring at him and forgetting to breathe. It took me a moment to get around to answering his question.

I cleared my throat. "This one came from a barbed wire fence. I was trying to steal peaches from my neighbor's yard. She didn't catch me, but her fence did."

"You stole peaches? Let me guess. The neighbor was elderly, too."

I begrudgingly confessed. "Yes, she was old. It was the only part that made me feel guilty."

"So did you get in trouble?"

"My neighbor came out to help me get unhooked from the fence. After doctoring up my leg, she made me sit down and eat every single peach I stole. She warned me they would taste bad because they were ill-gotten gains."

"And did they?"

"They were the best I ever had."

Jasper was all about lessons. "Sounds like you missed out on what she was trying to teach you."

I was curious about what he would think of my answer. "I don't think it was a lesson I was meant to learn. Besides, just because something isn't technically yours doesn't mean you can't enjoy it."

"I agree."

I once told this exact story to Edward, and he lectured me about my behavior. It was no surprise that Jasper didn't.

"Every year, my neighbor let the fruit fall from the tree and rot down to nothing. It was criminal seeing them go to waste, especially when I knew nature intended them for me."

"You think the tree grew that fruit just for you."

I absolutely did. I thought it at the time, and I still believed it now. We weren't talking theft of services or product that cost people money. Nature grew the tree and watered the soil. Even though it was in someone else's yard, I loved it, and I refused to believe the fruit would have tasted as sweet to anyone else. It was meant for me.

"Jasper, have you ever found something that fit you so completely you knew there was no way it could possibly be meant for another?"

He squinted up at the sun. "If I do find something, should I just take it?"

"That depends on how bad you want it and if the other person is willing to give it up."

"What if they're not?"

"You could try reasoning with them or asking politely."

"Sure. Tell me how this sounds." He took on a polite tone. "Please, sir, can I have your wife?"

I laughed and snorted at the same time. "You can't have someone's wife."

"Why not?"

"For one, she might not want to be yours. For another, she's a person, not a thing."

"If her husband treats her like a possession, he makes her a thing."

If she let him, she was equally at fault. I knew this from personal experience. "Is there an actual wife you want, or are you just playing?"

Jasper spelled his name out in the sand beneath my own. "Wives are not for me. Vampires don't look beyond the scars, and your kind are too squishy."

This brought on a ton of questions in my head, most were already deemed inappropriate by Edward. Jasper had no such reservations. "Ask what you want. I don't mind."

I jumped right in there with a question that was not at all my business. "Have you been with a human after you were changed?"

"Yes. The night did not go as planned."

"What happened?"

"She exaggerated her flexibility. Never tell someone you're a gymnast or double jointed if you can't deliver."

I could only imagine what he did to her. "I take it you killed her – you know – during the act."

As with all his other stories, Jasper was straightforward and unemotional. "I broke her neck when she started weeping afterward. I can't abide humans whining over small injuries like crushed wrists or legs bent into unnatural positions."

My mouth fell open and started catching flies. "You can't be serious."

"I'm dead serious. False advertising is a dangerous business. Crying only adds to the crime."

"That is a terrible way to think."

One corner of his mouth twitched giving him away. He was playing with me. "You are awful."

Jasper now had a full blown smile on his face. "I can't help it. Messing with you is fun. I like it when you blush."

If it made him grin like that, I would blush every second of the day. "I like it when you smile."

"If we're smart, we'll figure out a way to make both happen more often."

My overactive imagination came up with several winning ideas. None of which would earn the gold seal of approval from Edward. If anything, they would lead to all kinds of hell in my life. Too much time with Jasper might not be the great idea I thought it was.

**

* * *

**

We returned from our day at the beach to an empty house. My newly safety conscious mind had me making up an excuse about needing to get home to fix Charlie dinner.

Jasper saw right through me. "It's Tuesday. Chief Swan works late tonight."

Excuse two. "I feel sticky from the ocean. I need a shower."

"You can use mine."

There was a sparkle in his eyes daring me to go upstairs with him. He knew the idea of his room made me uncomfortable.

"Come on, sunshine. I won't bite. Maybe."

But he wanted to. I could see it in his hungry eyes and the way his attention kept returning to my neck. He had even licked his lips on more than one occasion. I was food. Tasty cattle. His favorite drink.

"Jasper, could you stop looking at me like something you ordered off a takeout menu?"

"Stop smelling so good and I might."

He took the steps two at a time. A full minute passed before I followed right in behind him up two flights of stairs and into a library. I was a glutton for punishment, or I had suicidal tendencies. Edward and I now had something new in common. Wasn't that nice for us?

The library was not exactly how I imagined it would be. Maps covered every available space on the wall. Books completely filled all the shelves. I expected Civil War memorabilia and museum quality pieces, but the room only had maps and books. There were few personal touches.

"You don't have pictures."

"Why would I want any?" he asked. "My memory provides all the images I need."

The book he borrowed from me was sitting on a small table next to the only piece of furniture in the room, an old rocking chair. It was a sad, lonely piece. It resembled both of us.

Jasper pushed on it, making it rock back and forth. "I guess I need to look for you a chair."

This was his sanctuary, and in the new house, he would have to share part of it with me. I knew the dimensions of his new room, and all of this wouldn't fit. A large portion would end up in the space we would share. It made me angry. What was Esme thinking?

"You don't have to share your library with me. Esme is being crazy."

"Is she?"

"Clearly."

"What if I told you it was my idea? Am I crazy?"

"Was it your idea?"

"Yes, but it was not my intention for you to have the room assignment forced on you."

Some of what he was feeling escaped his grasp and clouded the room. I couldn't identify the emotion. It was sad but not. Mostly, it made me feel resigned. He was settling for something. I think we both were.

"Why would you want to share any of this?" I asked. "You never get any peace as it is. You should at least have a place all your own."

"I wouldn't worry too much. The family's plans are very likely to change between now and then. And if they don't, sharing with you is no great sacrifice. We may even enjoy it."

"Sure. It'll be great. At least until I start ruining your day. Then you can just tear me up and burn me."

The words danced around the room. I shouldn't have said any of it. I wasn't even sure why I did. I needed to guard my tongue better.

Proof of that came when he turned me around to face him. "Explain what you just said."

I would rather jump off a bridge than tell him what Edward said. "It didn't mean anything. Just me being silly."

"I don't think you're silly at all." He pointed at a door on my right. "The bathroom is through there."

I didn't look to see where he pointed. I was focused on him. He was trying to hide it, but I could tell he was angry. The man was no dummy. He knew my comment earlier about ruining his day had come from Edward. I found it surprising he even cared.

"Why are you mad?" I asked.

"I'm not. It is a reflection of your emotional state."

Of course, it was. "I should have known better. We're barely acquaintances much less friends."

He touched my face with his fingertips and ran a thumb over my lips. "I don't know what you are."

I understood better than I should. Jasper was more to me than he should be but still less than I wanted him to be, which was throwing me for a loop. He seemed to go out of his way to _tell _me he didn't care, but he also went out of his way to _show _me he did. I was willing to bet he wasn't even aware of what he was doing. I probably confused him as much as he did me.

What I did know was that being around him, no matter his mood, made my day better. Today was the perfect example of that. Jasper could make all the crazy things in my head slow down and eventually fade away. He was nature's perfect weapon against stress and fear. With him, I was safe against any threats the world offered, physical, emotional, and Edward.

Jasper moved one of his hands up to my neck. "I can't get over how soft you are. And your skin, it burns me."

"That sounds bad."

"Very bad and getting worse."

I made my own observations. "You laughed a lot when you were human and spent all your time in the sun. It's why you look older than you should."

"You, on the other hand, look no older than sixteen. It's very disturbing to me."

"I got the impression the age of your victims wasn't a concern for you."

"It isn't."

If I wasn't a potential victim, what was I? A future sister. No. That didn't sound right. Emmett was a brother. Jasper was something else entirely.

So much of what I liked about him slapped me in the face and told me to look at him. I did, and the feelings intensified. I had focused on the cerebral parts of him that I found intriguing. Only now did I see him. How had I never noticed that his eyes were almost the same color as mine? Or that he had small laugh lines left over from his human life?

And his smell. Ahh. Licorice and sage with a dash of cinnamon. It was just like him, bitter but filled with warm undertones and twisting, unexplored caverns. I wanted to roll around in his sheets and cover myself in his scent. If he joined me, we could kiss and touch. He wouldn't pull away from me or stop himself.

My daydreams melted away at the sound of his voice. "Bella, go take your shower."

My eyes focused, and I realized I was gazing up at him like a lovestruck fool. My heartbeat was a thunder clap in my head. The bottom of his shirt was gripped tight in my clenched fists. I hadn't even noticed what I was doing.

Jasper did. He noticed everything. He always did.

I was mortified knowing what all I just threw at him. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Stop apologizing."

He studied me for a minute without saying anything. His eyes took in every corner of my face. His fingers examined the lines of my throat. I felt like an animal he was checking over before beginning a dissection. It was all very clinical.

When he finished, he dropped his hand away and took a step back. "Be careful with the water. I keep it very hot."

**

* * *

**

I spent twice as long in the bathroom than I needed. I blamed the closet that was his shower. It was huge, which was perfect since I wanted a place to get lost in for an hour. Or ten.

For a brief moment, I wanted him more than I ever wanted Edward, and Jasper felt every bit of it.

So this was me. Bella Swan. Confused girl who was crushing on her future fake brother-in-law, right before jumping into his shower. I also only had dirty clothes to put back on.

Were the vampires making me act stupid, or was this my doing? Could it be I was blowing it all out of proportion? I did tend to think too much. It wasn't like I declared my love for Jasper. I just tried to rip his shirt off while admiring him from way too close. This was probably a common occurrence for him.

Yeah, and I was born on the moon.

He knocked on the bathroom door. "I'm leaving some clean clothes for you on my chair."

I exited the bathroom and found the small stack of items waiting for me. I would recognize that sweater anywhere. It had a frayed neckline that made me want to pull on the loose strings. These were his clothes.

I changed quickly, not knowing how long he would be gone. The paint splattered sweats were a foot too long and puddled at my feet. The sweater hung on me like a sack. I knew he had clothes that weren't damaged. He picked these because it was the best way to put me at ease.

"You look like a homeless person," he said from behind me.

He looked like a Calvin Klein ad. "Thanks for the clothes."

"You're welcome. I also brought you food. Come in the other room, and you can sit down."

The other room was his actual bedroom. The decor made me think of a sunset on a dusty Arizona day. I hadn't expected it to feel so warm. Most of the house was cool whites and contemporary design. His room was rich browns and sturdy, well-crafted furniture.

Jasper acknowledged the decorator. "Esme did most of this. The furniture is Emmett's."

It still suited him. The dark wood of the furniture was warm and inviting, but the heavy build and design were intimidating. The mixed messages were exactly like him.

Like he did that first day in my room, I rummaged through his things. They didn't feel like they belonged to him. I could have been in my room, playing with my things, and owning them with my touch.

The north wall of the room was all Jasper. Skulls of different birds and animals were mounted in a random pattern. It was a grim reminder of his predatory nature. Of the birds, I recognized an eagle, different parrots, and a vulture. I wasn't sure about the others. The animals were more difficult. I knew one was a cow and another was a giraffe.

Jasper helped me with a few. "Cheetah. Polar bear. This little one is a squirrel."

"Did you kill these animals?"

"Some of them. Several are casts rather than the real thing. I won't kill an endangered or vulnerable species. I wish extinction on no animal, except raccoons. I hate them."

The raccoon exception made me smile. I pointed out my favorite skull. "What is this?"

"Armadillo. I've always liked him best."

"He's my favorite, too. We should name him."

We spoke at the same time. "Armaditto."

Jasper's smile again had my heart racing. Too many good thoughts that were really bad thoughts kept intruding on my brain. I needed to stop looking at him, smelling him, and daydreaming about him. He was slowly becoming my main focus in life. Forget breathing. I just needed to hear him speak and see him move. He was life even when he was made of death.

_Dammit. Stop thinking about him. Move on. _My next stop was his dresser. A wooden box sat in the center containing stacks of papers covered in drawings. The top sheets were all sun designs. I was immediately drawn to one in particular. The word _mine_ roared in my head.

I showed it to Jasper. "I'm taking this one."

He put up no more of a fight than I did when he claimed the ring he still wore on his left hand. "Is it today's peach?"

"Yes."

"I hope it tastes good."

"It does."

"When you're done looking around, come have a seat." He held up a plate. "I made you a sandwich."

My search was mostly finished, so I joined him on the loveseat. "You didn't have to do that."

"I have an ulterior motive." Jasper pushed the plate at me. "If you're eating, you're not talking."

I had to laugh at that one. "Fair enough."

I ate in silence while he talked. "Bella, you are human."

_Good of you to notice._

"My appearance is designed to attract you so that I can kill you."

_And boy did they break the mold when they made you. _

"What you were feeling earlier is natural. It happens all the time."

_It better not. I'll slap a chick to the floor._

"You shouldn't feel embarrassed."

_I wouldn't. Hitting her might make my hand hurt, but the girl had it coming._

"I also feel an attraction, but it is based on your blood. It means nothing."

_Could he repeat the first part? It meant a whole hell of a lot._

"If you could see what I really look like, you wouldn't experience any attraction at all."

_He could be dyed purple and painted with orange stripes, and I would still find him attractive. I fell for his brain way before I noticed how hot he was._

Whoa. The hamster in my head needed to get off the wheel. What did I just say to myself? _Fell for._ Fell for what? This was just a small, minuscule drop of interest. I didn't fall for anything, except cracks in sidewalks. Those got me every time.

I did not fall for Jasper. No way. Not only did I not fall for him, but I would not in the future. It was absurd. Impossible. Not gonna happen. Ever.

Unless it did.

I continued eating in silence and hoped all this would fade like it had the last time. Surely if it did, I could convince myself it wasn't serious. A crush was normal. Infatuation happened. Loving him would be a disaster.

But it would also be so very easy.

* * *

**Author's Note: So what do you think? Does she love him yet?  
**

**Thanks to everyone for reading. Another big thanks goes to those who review as well. I read them all and love the comments.  
**

**I'm heading off to bed now. Chapter seven should be posted next Wednesday or Thursday. **

**- Cris  
**


	7. Chapter 7 Food Class

**Conversations with My Killer  
**Chapter 7 - Food Class

Getting out of bed was easier these days. I no longer lingered in my sheets or took my time getting ready. I jumped up as soon as my eyes opened and rushed through my morning rituals. I was just about to leave the house when the phone rang.

Edward. No greeting. "What is going on with your phone?"

"It got wet."

"Do I even want to know how that happened?"

Probably not but I told him anyway. "Jasper pushed me off a cliff. It was scary at first, but yesterday, I jumped all by myself."

Predictable threats and complaints followed. Had I lost my mind? He would kill his brother when he saw him again. Ashes on the wind. Fire. Blah. Blah. Blah.

"Edward, whatever you do to Jasper, I'll do to you. So shut your mouth, find your sister, and let me have some fun for a change."

Click.

My Edward time was done for the day. I had better shit to do than listen to him grumble or lecture me.

The better shit was leaned up against the front door looking like something out of my dreams. "Defending me to Bob. You're so sweet."

"I think I've lost the ability to put up with his crap."

"Good for you."

I clasped one of my hands with his and joined him outside. I was very excited to hear his plans for today. He promised me something new and different.

"So where are we going?"

"Today is food class for the future vegetarian vampire."

I could have clapped. "I don't know if I can be quiet enough to sneak up on a deer, but I'm willing to try."

"Sweet Bella. I'm not taking you deer hunting. We're going to a dog shelter."

**

* * *

**

Numerous sets of eyes watched our every move. One set was incomplete. The nice woman taking us through the shelter explained that the dog in the last cage had been missing his right eye when he was found.

All of them had their own story. There was a hound mix that walked with a limp. Next to him was a spaniel a family decided they didn't want once it was no longer a puppy. One furry little guy was too lazy to even lift his head.

One thing most had in common was they shied away from Jasper. They couldn't get far enough away from him and were huddled at the far end of their cages. When he moved closer, they stood perfectly still and went quiet. Unlike humans, they knew he was different.

The woman with us didn't think anything of their behavior. "How long have you been considering a new pet?"

Jasper went right into a lie. "Bella and I have always been animal lovers, and with kids still a few years away, we wanted to add to our family in a different way."

"That is a lovely sentiment."

It sure was, if one overlooked Jasper's appetite.

"I told Bella on the night I asked her to marry me that I'd give her the world. All she asked for was a friend to keep us company on the rainy nights."

Between his accent and the way he was looking her in the eyes, I think the lady was ready to melt into a puddle. I wanted to smack her in the back of the head and tell her to stop looking at my man, even when I knew he wasn't mine. But dang it, she thought he was, which should have made her back the hell off.

The sound of a phone ringing sent her scurrying to another room. I glared at her back as she made her retreat. "I don't like her."

"Be nice. She's a good woman making hard decisions."

"And batting her eyes at you while she plays with her hair."

Jasper snickered at me. "Jealousy. That's unexpected and unwarranted."

"She shouldn't look at you like she wants to know what you taste like. It's completely disrespectful to our fake relationship."

My own curiosity came out in the first comment. I was damned curious about everything having to do with him. Taste. Smell. His crazy brain. His hunting techniques. Everything. I wanted to sit in a corner and watch him mend his shirts and juggle the needle and thread. Hell, I didn't care what he was doing. I just wanted to be there to see it.

Bad. Bad. Bad. "Can we get on with the food class?"

Jasper was distracted, too. One of his hands rested on my neck. It was a new habit of his. "What did you say?"

"Food class."

The hand fell away. "Oh yeah. Take a look around you and tell me what you see."

"Potential companions."

"Vampires don't have animal companions. To the Cullens, these dogs are food. Killing strays is not uncommon for them."

Dogs were completely different from deer and mountain lions. I could never see them as food. "I will never drink from a dog."

"Before I was turned, I would have said the same thing about humans, but I have killed children, priests, and thousands of other innocents."

A young shepherd mix missing part of one ear edged closer to the fence of the cage separating him from us. Jasper crouched down to pet the only animal brave enough to move close to him. A faded green collar hung loosely from his thin gray neck. He couldn't have been more than six months old.

It was cute seeing him lean into Jasper's touch. "I think he likes you."

This made Jasper stand up and back away from the cage. "Don't connect with him. You'll ruin the lesson."

"What exactly is the lesson? All I see are a bunch of animals needing a home."

He moved down to another cage. "New dogs arrive daily, and there is not enough room or funds for the shelter to care for them all. The woman assisting us is charged with deciding which of these dogs will be put down."

I couldn't imagine having to make those decisions. It would be an impossible task, which was the very reason Jasper brought me here.

"You are her, Bella. Look into the eyes of these animals. Know that they may be dogs today, but on another day, you will be staring into the eyes of a human or some other animal. Tell me how you decide which to feed on."

I couldn't do it. "There is no way to pick."

"Their blood will call to you with every beat of their heart. With your speed, you can choose whichever one you want. How do you narrow down the selection? How do you decide which one becomes your meal?"

This was too much reality for me. "I don't like this lesson. I want to leave."

I stepped back from the cages, but Jasper wasn't about to let me escape. He grabbed me tight by the back of my neck and pushed me closer to the cage in front of me.

"This is the life you want, Bella."

Not true. "I never wanted to kill anything. I just wanted to be with Edward."

"You thought it was easy, right? No remorse. No decision making. Just blank faces and buckets of blood."

In all truth, I had never given it any thought. I took very little interest in the finer details. It wasn't even avoidance. I simply never considered anything beyond the man I wanted.

Jasper was more than happy to open my eyes. "I smell their fear. I can hear their little hearts working overtime. Their taste is not to my liking, but I would drain them all if given the chance."

"Stop talking like that."

"If I killed them, the woman would have to die. Did you smell the peppermint on her breath? I did."

I tried to twist out of his grasp, but he held me still. "We are death, Bella. Choose today's victim, or I'll do it for you."

I shook my head. "I can't. None of them deserve that."

"And you think your future victims do? Your decision to become one of us sentences thousands to death. They will not be lined up in perfect rows for you. You will have to choose your kills."

The furry faces stared back at me. Black faces. Spotted faces. Brown faces. Small faces. I imagined their personalities and their backgrounds. I couldn't identify a single victim in the mix. They all deserved a chance. How could anyone decide not to let them have one?

It would be the same with every animal. They all had their own version of a family. Killing a deer meant killing a doe's child. Any bear I killed could be a mother or father. They were all once fawns and cubs just as humans were once babies. Sisters. Brothers. The twin of a pair of mountain lion cubs. Family.

At no time during my days at the meadow with Edward did I ever daydream about the realities of my new life. I imagined running through the trees with him and spending an eternity of happiness with him. I never put any thought into the animals supplying the blood I needed to maintain my lifestyle.

As a human, cows and chickens died to supply my food, but I bought them at the grocery store. It was barely as animal to me by that point. It came out of a package with minimal work on my part to get it from the store to the table.

As a vampire, blood would coat my throat. Fur would stick to my lips. I would see the animal, look in its eyes, and know I killed it. My vampire nature would draw me towards the blood and ease the transition, but I would never be this Bella again. I would always look at these dogs and see a meal first and an individual last. It would be the same with humans.

_Killer. Murderer. _

A few tears gathered in the corners of my eyes. "I want to go home. Please, can we go home now?"

Jasper's cruel streak showed itself. He pushed my face into the fence. "Is reality too tough for you, Bella?"

"Yes," I answered with a sob.

"This is the world you are entering. Innocence fades with your humanity, and pain and death are all that remain. Deal with it."

He released my neck, and I heard the squeak of tennis shoes on concrete. The woman was returning. I brushed at the tears on my face and tried to appear normal.

"Have you decided yet?" the woman asked.

Jasper flashed her his best smile. "We have. Bella, show her the one you want."

She saw my red face. "Oh, we've got a crier. It really touches my heart when people like you come in. I can tell how much you love dogs."

_Can she see I'm about to vomit?_ "We don't want -"

Jasper pointed to the dog he had been petting. "We'll take that one."

Words tangled up in my head and never made it to my mouth. I kept looking at the woman hoping she would make eye contact with me. I wanted her to know she shouldn't let us leave with the dog. She needed to know something was wrong here.

She only had eyes for Jasper. He turned on the charm and had her completely convinced of her sincerity. She even slipped him a piece of paper with her home phone number on it and encouraged him to call if he needed any help or had some questions.

My back was so limp from the absence of a spine it was a wonder I made it out to my truck. I hung my head low and stayed close to the dog. I had never known much fear in my life. Today, it made up the air in my lungs and the heavy weight of my legs. My whole body shut down from the thought of what was to come.

Jasper would kill the dog. Would it be quick? Would the little guy suffer? Would I have to watch? Shouldn't I? This was all about teaching me about life and death. Didn't I owe it to the dog to witness his last moments?

No. I owed him a second chance. I couldn't let him die, not for me or any other reason Jasper might come up with. I just wasn't sure how I could stop this. I was no match against a vampire, no human was. Even the Cullens shied away from telling him anything.

Maybe none of this was a real concern. I could have the wrong idea. "What do you plan on doing with him?"

"Lunch."

Never. "Stop the truck."

He pulled over to the side of the road. I looked from the fur ball at my feet to the man with the sharp teeth.

My spine grew back rapidly. "You will not kill this dog."

Jasper chuckled. "I don't think you're big enough to stop me."

Some crazed part of me snapped. A roar erupted out of my mouth as I launched myself at him. I punched him. I slapped him. I clawed at him.

"You will not kill him."

A twisted smile. "I'll make you watch when I do it."

"Cold, sick bastard," I shouted.

"Weak, silly human," he taunted back.

_Silly. Stupid. Weak. Go here. Say this. Do that. Wear this._

He laughed at me. I hit him harder. Doing so hurt my hands, but I was beyond caring at this point. Only one hit did any damage. My ring had turned around, and when I slapped at him, the diamond scratched his cheek. A line of effervescent liquid came to the surface.

Jasper wiped at the venom. "Feel better?"

"Are you still going to kill the dog?"

To my horror, he rubbed his thumb over my lips. "Give me a reason not to."

The venom warmed the skin. Without thinking, I licked at it and found a new gold. The dog was forgotten.

I needed more. "Do that again."

He did as I asked. "If Edward learns of this, he'll try to kill me."

"Why?"

"Our venom is never shared in such a way unless it is with a mate. It is considered an act of intimacy."

"Then why did you do it?"

He furrowed his brow revealing his own confusion. "I'm not sure. Curiosity, maybe."

Whatever the reason, he succeeded in taking our minds off the argument about the animal. I was now more concerned about what was going on with us.

"You and I, we aren't supposed to be close like this, are we?"

"No, and I have no understanding as to why we are. Our fight made me feel things that I am unfamiliar with."

Exactly. "I shouldn't have hit you. I'm sorry."

"You were angry about the mutt, which tells me you missed the entire point of our trip to the shelter. You will kill tons just like him in the next few years."

But not this one. "I will not kill him and neither will you."

"Would you really fight me over a dog?"

"Didn't I just try?" I moved back over to my side of the seat and petted the whining dog. "I won't let you snack on our puppy."

"Ours? Do you pay attention to anything I say to you? You don't grow attached to dinner."

"Then why are you spending time with me? Aren't I dinner? Maybe not yours, but you shouldn't talk to me anymore than you do the dog."

He had no response to that. Jasper kept quiet for the rest of our trip home. When we arrived, he slammed the door behind him and left the dog and me out in the truck.

I got out and patted my leg. "Come on, boy. Let's go pee on Daddy's bed. It'll be funny."

The scruffy beast jumped down and did a brief inspection of the yard before running back over to me. I petted him lightly on the head and encouraged him to follow me into the house.

Emmett saw us first. "Why is that thing here? Appetizers should smell better."

"Jasper and I adopted him."

"He's not very big. If this is a new meal plan, it sucks."

Did food and death always come first with these people? "He is my pet."

Emmett followed in behind me as I coaxed my new friend up the stairs. The little guy wasn't moving. He looked up at me with his sad eyes and whined. Poor thing. He probably sensed the crazies in the house. All of them were snakes waiting to inject their venom into him.

"Come on, boy," I encouraged. "You can do it."

Emmett nudged him in the butt. "Go already."

A shadow was all I saw before he tumbled backwards and hit the floor with a thud.

Jasper stood over him like a thundercloud. "Do not put your boots on our dog."

_Our dog. Damn. _A feather could have knocked me over.

The scary man pounded his feet up the steps and knelt down. He rubbed the pup's ears and petted him. When the animal calmed down, Jasper picked him up and carried him to his room.

I didn't give a thought to Emmett. I followed the scary man and the dog.

Thirty minutes later, Jasper and I were elbow deep in soapy water washing our little beast. Thanks to him trying to shake himself dry, all of us were soaked, as were the walls and the floor. After one particularly mighty shake, Jasper ended up on his butt on the wet floor.

I busted out into loud giggles, and he pulled me down next to him. "What are you laughing at?"

"You fell down, and you're drenched."

He looked me over slowly. "We're both wet."

We were also way too close again and getting closer. "We need to check on the dog."

"I have other interests at the moment." One of his hands found its way under my shirt. He pressed it against my stomach. "You make noises when you're hungry."

"All humans do."

"But I can't touch them like this."

He wasn't supposed to touch me like this. "Emmett is curious about him," I said hoping it would remind him we weren't alone.

"I told the big guy to leave. The house is empty except for us."

"It usually is when we're together."

Jasper's sly little smile told me it was no coincidence. "I was wondering when you would notice that."

"Is it their idea or yours? And could you take your hand off my body?"

"No. Yes. No." He moved his hand along my ribcage and around to my back bringing us closer together. "Why do you pet the dog?"

"Because he likes it and it makes me feel good, too."

"Then why should I stop touching you? You like it, and it makes me feel good, too."

That was the shittiest comparison he could have come up with. "Don't make me feel like a pet. It's the same thing Edward does."

"The comparison was flawed. I should have said you are not aroused by touching the dog."

What kind of sick person would be? It took a minute for it to dawn on me just what he might be saying. Basically, touching me didn't arouse him. Or something like that. Right?

The dog bounded back into the room and slid to a stop at our feet. He had the remains of a book about Panama in his mouth.

I tugged it away from him and handed it to Jasper. "I told you to let me check on him."

He thumbed through the ripped pages before giving the book back to the dog. "Let's name him Panama."

It was perfect. Too perfect. "I'm not naming him until you swear to me you won't hurt him."

Jasper turned serious. "There is a trade off, Bella. If I don't kill him, I will kill a different animal. In the end, someone dies."

This time the choice came easy to me. "Kill something else. Please."

"Offer me something in exchange."

Had this whole day been leading to this moment? With him, there was no way of knowing. He was elusive in his thoughts even when he was at his most open. For every answer I got out of him, I had a hundred new questions.

"What do you want from me?" I asked.

"More time. I don't care if it pisses Edward off or not. I want to continue seeing you."

Agreeing to this was easy. I already planned on spending time with him regardless of Edward's opinion. "You can have all the time with me you want. Just be careful about touching me around everyone else. Other people will get the wrong idea."

Jasper's fingers traveled along my spine. "What idea is that?"

"They'll think something is going on between us."

"You should worry less about what others think and more about what you think. You'll be much happier."

**

* * *

**

Gossip spread quickly in a small town. Jasper and I had walked through the streets of Forks yesterday and didn't get a single look. On this day, whispers followed our every move. It wasn't just people my age. Everyone was curious about us.

Right now, we were at the grocery store picking up food and some supplies for Panama. Eyes followed us through the aisles, and my anxiety grew with every step. With Jasper close to me, no one said a word, but the second he left to retrieve something from another aisle, I was approached by a boy I recognized from high school. He was a year younger than me and not someone I had ever spoken with.

"Bella, can I talk to you for a second?" he asked shyly.

I rifled through my head trying to remember his name. "Sure. Uhm, your name is Boyd Sampson, right?"

"Yeah. That's right." He looked around nervously and turned a little green.

"Are you okay?"

He spoke in a mad rush. "I just wanted you to know that there are some pictures of you going around."

Of what? Boyd showed me on his phone.

Jasper was kneeling between my legs, and I was staring at him like we were about to throw down naked in the trees. It got worse when that picture was followed by one of us actually walking into the woods. Jasper's expression was hungry, and his eyes were directed at my butt. This one threw me for a loop. What was that about?

Dumb question. It was pretty clear was it was about. I just didn't expect it. But I liked it, which was not good. This was clearly Edward's fault. If he took care of business for me, I wouldn't be feeling like this. That thought brought on the question of why I didn't take care of business myself, which I did. It just wasn't the same as knowing someone else might like to do it for me.

Back to the – uhm – pictures. They were hardly damning, but I could see now why people were talking. "Thanks for letting me know. I think I'll just crawl in a hole and die now."

Boyd's eyes grew big. I didn't have to look to know Jasper was coming back.

He wasn't nice about it either. "Leave."

Little Boyd ran off like the devil was chasing him. I felt bad for the guy. "You didn't have to be mean to him."

"Someone put him up to this. I can hear them talking about us outside the store."

This made me realize something. "You knew what people were saying and didn't tell me."

"Yes, and I knew about the pictures that night. Knowing doesn't change anything."

"You should have told me."

He dismissed my concerns. "It didn't seem important."

"I'm tired of people deciding what I should and should not know. It's another way of controlling me."

Jasper naturally didn't agree. "I'm not trying to control your life. I just don't care what people say about me or us for that matter. I told you that not an hour ago."

"Well, I do care. It's embarrassing."

"Only if you care what they say."

It wasn't about me. "My dad is the Chief of Police. People look up to him in this town. I don't want them gossiping about me and having it reflect on him. And Edward deserves better than having everyone talking about me cheating on him."

"Who cares about your dad and Edward?"

"I care."

"You care so much you're forcing Edward to turn you and then destroying your father's life by faking your death. I hope you never care about me as much as you do them."

I abandoned my cart and walked off. "Stop saying shit like that to me."

"You worry about a few rumors but care nothing of the important issues. How is it my fault if you don't like the truth?"

This wasn't about him telling me the truth. I knew I hadn't thought everything through, but there were better ways for him to point it out to me. "You throw words at me likes knives. You push me off cliffs. You want to sew my eyes open and show me everything with a bright light and zero sensitivity."

Jasper grabbed one of my arms. "Wait. Why are you so angry? I don't understand."

"How hard is it to figure out? I thought you were my friend, and you're not."

"I never want to be your friend. I always end up killing them."

"Good to know. Now leave me alone."

I left the store and took off in my truck. Jasper could find his own way home.

**

* * *

**

Jessica Stanley was talking about me again. Every time I came to town, she magically appeared. Today, she was across the street leaned up against a car talking to Tyler Crowley. I was at a park sitting next to Jasper. Of course him. Always him. No one ever saw me with Edward.

Jasper and I weren't talking. Two days had passed since I left him at the grocery store. This morning he'd knocked at my front door demanding I spend time with him. His threats were the only reason I let him in the house. It was simple. If I didn't talk to him, he would kill our dog.

I promised myself I would ignore him, but I gave up on that quickly. "What is Jessica saying?"

"She doesn't believe Edward really loves you."

Neither did Jasper. Did this make her as smart as him, or was I the smart one and they were the idiots? Who knew at this point?

"Ah. Now, she is listing her theories on how you keep us interested in you. According to her, your skills in the bedroom are many."

"I don't have any skills."

"I know."

Everyone in the family did. Nothing about my life was a secret to them. They could smell the food I ate. They knew how many hours had passed since my last shower or if I was on my period. There was no privacy, and none of them thought anything of it.

The anger I still felt at Jasper as well as the frustration building from my failing relationship were making me lose my mind. I wanted to curl up into a ball and hide from them and my problems. And just to make me feel better, Jessica needed to be slapped for talking about me. Bitch.

My stupid eyes gave up part of the fight and teared up. "I hate her so much."

"You are not crying over this," Jasper instructed me like he could make me stop with just his words.

"No," I answered before wiping away a tear. "I'm crying because I finally figured out I'm a great big selfish dumbass. I can't do anything. No skills. No brain. No nothing. I'm just some silly, ridiculous girl who smells good. Edward loving me is a joke, and you being my friend is a death sentence. I have no privacy. I have no future. I have nothing."

Jasper had no patience for whining. "If your life displeases you, do something about it. I have no desire to listen to a child complain about a predicament she created with poor decisions and false hope."

"I am doing something about it. I talk to you. I enjoy it and learn something new everyday."

"I'm failing to see the problem here."

He was the problem. He wasn't the well-mannered prince I was accustomed to. He was mercurial and savage at times but also very protective and considerate. My head was in a constant spin trying to keep up with him.

As confusing as it was, I couldn't get enough of him. My interest bordered on obsession. I enjoyed his company so much more than I should, which made it all the more painful when he told me what I needed to hear but couldn't bear to hear.

I spelled it out for him as honestly as I could. "You make me see myself, and I don't like it. It's hard knowing how little I actually know when I thought I had everything figured out."

"You should revel in your ignorance. Soon you will know more than you ever wanted."

"Like what?"

Jasper smiled in Jessica's direction and gave her a little wave. "Take Jessica. You see her laughing at you, but knowing what she is saying would hurt you more."

This was another element of my new life I never considered. I would hear the good and the bad. "How do you deal with hearing everything people say about you?"

"You learn to ignore it."

This explained why he was so dismissive of the pictures and the gossip. After a century of ignoring a lesser species, he couldn't magically start to care just because I did.

Jasper must have forgotten his own lesson. He ripped a chunk of wood off the picnic table and threw it at the car Jessica was leaning against. The wood hit with a heavy bang denting the trunk. Jessica and Tyler looked up as if the missile had come from the sky instead of us.

Jasper jerked me to my feet. "We need to return to your house."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

Sure. Mr. Cool lost his temper over nothing, and I was Batman. "Tell me what they said."

He pulled me along behind him. "She said we probably share you."

Had he forgotten his own lesson? "You don't care what they say."

"The thought of sharing my mate is an exception."

Had I heard him correctly? "I'm not your mate."

Jasper took us in a completely different direction. "You would die for Edward, correct?"

"Yes."

"Would you kill for him?"

This was a question only he would ask. "If I valued his life above that of the other person, then yes, I would."

"Assuming Edward does love you, he wants you to remain human because he doesn't want you to become the monster he believes himself to be. Does this mean he holds the lives of others in greater esteem than yours?"

Absolutely not. "You know I'm more important to Edward than anything."

"So you believe he would kill for you."

"Yes."

"On the one day he needed to, he hesitated. Why?"

Jasper already answered this. "You said yourself that he was afraid."

"True, but it was one more example where he put the lives of other people above yours. How will it play out after you're turned and accidentally kill someone? Will he still love you?"

"I believe so."

He made the question harder. "You didn't judge me for taking the lives of Peter and Charlotte. Would Edward offer you the same level of understanding?"

"I doubt it. He's very judgmental."

This line of questioning had me seeing a very different future. Edward would use my mistakes as justification for controlling me like he did now. He would insist it was for my own good and he was only protecting me. I had expected him to see me as his equal, but it would never happen. He would always find one reason or another to tell me what I should do and where I should go. This was not the future I wanted. Edward was not the future I wanted.

All of this was well and good – or should it be ill and bad? Regardless, it had nothing to do with what Jessica said. "What does this have to do with anything?"

"My mate could kill a million people, and I would remain loyally by her side. If protecting her meant depopulating a planet, I would do it without a single regret. Now ask how I would feel about sharing her."

I didn't need to ask, but this still had nothing to do with Jessica. "I'm not your mate."

"Alice keeps telling me that, but when I'm with you, I have a hard time believing it."

**

* * *

**

Three days later, I was at the Cullen house overeating another wonderful meal Esme prepared for me. Most of the family was here. Edward was the only exception, but he was due to return the next day.

It was a fun night for a change. Carlisle was slow dancing with Esme in the far corner of the room. Emmett was chasing Panama around the house. Rosalie was in good spirits and telling me stories about Alice's many parties. The girl was an expert party planner. It was a shame she wasn't here to help Edward with the wedding.

Jasper was perched up high on a plant shelf above a wall of bookcases. This allowed me a break from all the staring I was doing at him. It was getting embarrassing. I promised myself that tonight he was off limits. No talking. No looking. No thinking about him.

And there I went again.

He'd left out early this morning before I'd even arrived at the house. An hour ago, he returned completely soaked to the bone and in a foul mood. As he passed each family member, they appeared to shrink in size.

When he came back downstairs, he was freshly showered and whistling his song. He stopped to scratch Panama between the ears and then jumped up to his spot above the bookcases. At no time did he so much as look over at me. After our conversation at the park, he'd avoided me completely.

Carlisle's phone rang. The mood in the room shifted. The rest of them could hear the conversation, but I couldn't. Something was wrong.

When Carlisle hung up the phone, he found me right away. My first concern was Edward. "What happened to him?"

"It's not Edward. Jessica Stanley is missing. They suspect foul play."

The room became a mess of voices going over one another. Rosalie didn't care. Emmett and Esme wanted to help search for Jessica. Carlisle was already on the phone to someone else. I tuned them out.

– "_I always thought she would taste good. She snacks on chocolate. Supposedly, it makes the blood better."_

– "_Could you possibly consider killing Lauren or Jessica? I think they need it."_

– "_There is a trade off, Bella. If I don't kill him, I will kill a different animal. In the end, someone dies."_

My head started pounding. A beat of time. A horrific image.

My eyes met Jasper's. I didn't want to believe my suspicions. His expression was blank as usual, offering no sign of interest in the news, but then I saw it. One corner of his lips turned up into a lopsided smile. It was all the confirmation I needed.

He took Jessica.

* * *

**Author's Note: Or did he? Any thoughts on what happened to Jessica?  
**

**So one of the big questions was answered this week. Alice did not tell Jasper that Bella was his mate. Her visions are about something else entirely.**

**Thanks again for reading. I know this chapter was a bit long, but I didn't want to break up the food lesson. Jessica, whether or not he took her, falls into that category.**

**The reviews this last week were so great. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the response to the story. It makes the hours of work worth it.**

**- Cris  
**


	8. Chapter 8 King of Spades

**Conversations with My Killer  
**Chapter 8 - King of Spades

Jessica had been on her way to Port Angeles when her car broke down. The last known contact from her was when she called her parents and then a tow truck.

Her phone was found in the passenger seat. Her purse was untouched. The only unlocked door was her driver's side door. There were no fingerprints other than her own and those of her friends and family. There were also no witnesses to a crime of any sort.

The most popular theory was that someone grabbed her when she got out of her car to walk around.

I had my own theory. Jasper killed her. What I didn't have was proof.

The family made plans about helping. Jasper hovered in the background like always. He offered little in the way of theories or suggestions. His only opinion was that Jessica wasn't important enough to warrant their involvement. Rosalie agreed.

There were times when Edward's protectiveness worked to my benefit. Everyone had an excuse for why I shouldn't help with the search. Most were really about keeping him happy. This resulted in the family clearing out to join the hunt for Jessica, and I was left alone with my number one suspect in her disappearance.

I waited until any vampires were well out of hearing range before I started in on him. "You did this."

He jumped down from his spot above the bookshelves. "Why would I take Jessica?"

I rubbed at Panama who was sitting at my side. "I wouldn't let you kill our dog, and she made you angry."

"You make me angry all the time, and I haven't killed you yet."

He liked me. Jessica didn't have that going for her. "Did you kill her?"

There was a flash of movement, and he was now sitting to my left. "Look at my eyes. They are no more red than usual."

"You don't have to drink to kill someone."

Jasper stood up. "Give me a minute. I'll be back."

A few seconds passed, and his steps on the stairs announced his return. He sat down on the floor in front of me. "I have a present for you."

He dropped a bar of chocolate into my hands. "I bought this for you before she even went missing."

"You buying me chocolate makes me even more suspicious."

"Can't I buy you presents without it meaning I killed someone?"

"Not when the present references a conversation we shared about the victim's flavor, and let's not forget that I joked with you about killing her. You did this."

Jasper had long ago mastered the neutral tone that gave a person nothing. "All an unfortunate coincidence."

"Unfortunate. That is all you can say to me. I'm telling Edward."

I sounded like a child on a playground. Any second now, I would pee my pants and pick my nose. It was embarrassing.

"Bella, my eyes are unchanged, and my hands are clean. Do you think I plan on feeding from her a little at a time, or did I kill her straight away without taking so much as a nibble?"

"Just come out and say you didn't do it. Deny the crime."

"You will get no denials or confessions from me." He unwrapped the candy and broke off a piece for me. "Have a taste. I hear it's delicious."

I knew he fully expected me to throw it at him. Instead, I surprised him by eating it. I even got a smile out of the cold bastard.

"You are ballsy, Bella. I'll give you that. Most girls would be running from me. Why do you stay?"

Because my sick, twisted side relished every minute of contact I had with this man. "If I ran, would you chase me?"

"Why bother when I know you'll keep coming back? Besides, forcing you to endure my company is not something I will do."

"Yet you invited yourself along when I went to that party. Why?"

"It was just as I told you. Leaving you at the mercy of teenage boys with a low tolerance for drink is not something I will do."

"But you would kill a girl who did nothing to you."

"You forget the rumors she helped start. She made you cry. Is that not reason enough?"

Jessica didn't make me cry. My life made me cry, but the problems that at the time seemed so huge were now just a whisper in my head. I had one mission, and it was discovering the secrets of the person next to me.

"Did you kill her, or is this another lesson?"

"What would you do if I did take her?"

"Did you?"

Jasper rested back against the cushion of the sofa. "Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't."

When I failed to respond, he provided me with more information I didn't want. "I could keep her in a cage. If I drained her a little at a time, I could maintain my eye color and no one would be the wiser. A quick shower would wash off the smell. It's a sound plan."

The thought of a cage made me cringe. "You're disgusting."

"Is a lion disgusting when it eats a zebra?"

"You're a predator, but that doesn't make it okay to cage humans and then kill them. How can you even consider doing that?"

"Look beyond yourself. Humans destroy more than any other animal on this planet. With vampires, nature created a being that could help even the score. Why shouldn't I be an active participant in her plan?"

I got it. Humans were to him what a cow was to me. His opinions were easy to understand, but that didn't make them easy to accept. Jasper wasn't human. His instincts and his diet deviated from my own in ways I would only fully comprehend after I was turned.

It disturbed me that I could look at him straight on and feel no fear over my own safety or anger at his actions or thoughts. He was a superior predator. How could I ever judge a shark for eating a small fish? I couldn't.

"The lion isn't disgusting. He's just hungry," I acknowledged. "But if he keeps his victim in a cage and pokes sticks at her for his own amusement, it's wrong."

"I agree."

That was something at least. I couldn't see him as the type to not be mindful of a victim's sacrifice. Jasper might enjoy his blood, but he had a respect for life that wouldn't allow him to play with his food.

"If I killed her, would you tattle on me?" he asked.

"No."

My signature stood out bright red on the contract between us. I would keep my suspicions a secret, and he would continue to skirt the line between good and bad – or at least some people's definition of bad. His definition was as fluid as the way he moved.

Jasper repaid my acceptance with a gift of his own. "I haven't killed Jessica."

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I jumped to my feet ready to get to work. "We need to join the search. Can your ability help us find her?"

"Probably, but I won't use it. I don't care if she's being used as a dick pincushion. Her life. Her problem. She can save herself."

That cracking sound was my jaw breaking from how hard it hit the floor. "You don't mean that."

He nodded his head slowly. "I meant every word."

"That's cruel."

"That's karma biting her squarely on the ass. She bleeds jealousy and sexual harassment."

The last part threw me. "Explain the harassment."

"Revealing clothing. Suggestive comments. Teenage hormones. Sharing her plans for me with the other blood bags. She threw so much sex at me it was a wonder I didn't rape the volleyball team."

I was supremely pissed about this. We better find Jessica, so I could kick her ass. "She better be alive."

Jasper had a knowing smile. "And why is that?"

"I want to slap her for torturing you. The nerve of some girls. Throwing themselves at innocent men."

Innocent was a mighty stretch, but dammit, girls shouldn't harass him just because he was fun to look at. None of them saw beyond his appearance and took the time to learn who he was. Not that he would have given them the chance. Jasper didn't so much hate people as he had no feelings either way. They were the sheep. He was the wolf, and the wolf never wanted to mate with the sheep.

I wouldn't lie. The part about mating really sucked. Looking at him made me think about the joys of procreation and all the practice that went into it. In my defense, I hadn't thought of his body at all until I got to know him better. It was also important to note that I never ogled him when he could see me.

Not that it mattered. He was an empath, and I practically wore a flashing sign that told him flat out how much I wanted to play with him. In the rain. On a boat. In a car. On a Sunday in the yard behind the church.

I had to know if it bothered him. "Do I make you uncomfortable like she did? You need to tell me if I do. I'll try to stop picturing you naked."

Why did I add that last part? I should change my last name to Stanley and start talking too damn much while snacking on chocolate. Oh wait. I was already doing that.

"Hold up. When did you picture me naked?" Jasper asked.

Twice on Tuesday and at least three times today. Our field trips to the ocean caused this mess. Water did glorious things to his shirt, his hair, his skin, and his smell. My tongue was developing a permanent bend from how often it hung out of my mouth.

"Bella, don't pull that zoning out crap. It annoys me."

I had to flip back a few channels to remember what he asked. Something about me imagining him in the buff. "My interest in your anatomy is purely academic."

My teacher loved that answer. He pulled at the fabric of my shirt. "I'm all about academic pursuits. How about we both strip and go for some extra credit?"

I smacked his hand away. "As tempting as that is, I think I'm already doing pretty well in my classes."

Jasper moved his hand up to his favorite spot, my neck. "Consider it extracurricular. A well-rounded education always calls for some effort outside the classroom."

Could it be in his shower? That was my first choice. "I take it I don't make you uncomfortable."

"More than anyone, but I'll put up with it to achieve my goals."

"Which are?"

"I want you well prepared for your new life. The stronger you are, the stronger our family will be. Ask questions. Modify your thinking. Decide who you are and what you want."

"I've been doing that."

He pointed out a very big problem of mine. "Will you still do it when Edward comes home?"

"This time will be different. I'm breaking up with him."

Jasper's reaction was not anything like I expected. "Why must you disappoint me at every turn?"

The words were another slap, but they contrasted mightily with the stroke of his thumb down my neck. I didn't know if I should have hurt feelings or throw him down on the floor for some of that extra credit. This man had a way of making me burn and freeze all at the same time. He was a blast of Arctic air in a Phoenix summer.

"Speak, Bella. Explain to me why you would eliminate that which is stimulating your metamorphosis."

What the hell was he saying? "You've lost me."

"You were sleepwalking your way through life until your dissatisfaction with Edward pushed you out of the dream. Like it or not, he serves a purpose in your life. Without him, you will stick your head back in the clouds and never again see the ground beneath you."

That wasn't true at all. "You show me the ground Edward doesn't want me to see."

"I show you that there is ground. You are the one making up the world that surrounds it, and it is fascinating watching you manipulate its topography."

"So what do you suggest I do?"

"Wait and see what's around the next corner. Ask questions. Embrace trial and error. Backtrack a hundred times and be indecisive. Learn who you are. At the end of the day, you may find that Edward is exactly what you're looking for."

I already knew he wasn't. "I will never want him like I did."

"A month ago, you would never have jumped off a cliff, fought against me to save a mangy dog, or looked at me like you are now. I dare you to stick it out so we can see what you do next month."

Jasper wanted me to stay with Edward. Huh?

No. Just no. "What are you getting out of this?"

"The pleasure of your company."

"Bullshit. Tell me the truth."

"Truth comes in bits and pieces. Be satisfied with what I give you, or go spend your time with Edward."

I knew it was the last thing he wanted. "Why would you push me back at him when you've been trying so hard to pull me away?"

The hand on my neck fell away. "Is that what I've been doing? You think I want you for myself? I'd rather meet my end than fall for a creature like you. Willful. Undisciplined. Selfish. Insincere."

"Are you describing me or yourself?" I capped the question off with a satisfied smirk.

"I forgot smug. Thanks for the reminder."

Fine. Whatever. Jasper could throw his moody crap at someone else. "You can be a real asshole sometimes."

"Don't be angry, sweet girl. You lost. I won."

I didn't lose anything. "You want me to ask questions, but you never give me the answers. You're no different than Edward. You just dress up the control with pretty words that sound more meaningful than they are."

I called Panama to me and made tracks to the front door.

The irritating mass of venom wasn't happy. "Where are you going?"

"To help search for Jessica."

"Why bother? You don't even like her."

What did that matter? "I don't always like you either, but I'd move heaven if I thought it would save you."

**

* * *

**

I joined the search party. The number of volunteers grew throughout the day as word of Jessica's disappearance spread like wildfire. We split into small groups with some of us staying in town to go door to door. Others were out searching the woods.

I was in my own group with little Panama staying at my side as I went door to door in Port Angeles with fliers. My beast was not much help. He found playing in puddles far more interesting than looking for missing girls. I couldn't say I blamed him.

It probably sounded foolish to go out on my own like I did. One girl was already missing. It wouldn't take much to make the number double. I wasn't scared though. I had a guardian angel haunting my steps. Jasper was nearby. I had yet to see him, but I felt him.

As the sky darkened, I joined up with everyone else at the citizen's center. It was too dark to continue the search, but no one wanted to go home. It was frustrating wanting to do so much but having little ability to do anything. We all looked from one person to another trying to come up with ideas.

Fellow classmates of mine huddled together embracing and crying. Jessica's parents were talking to my father. They were barely functioning. Dead eyes and stooped shoulders had replaced the hope from earlier in the day.

Charlie broke away from them to take me into a side room where no one could see or hear us. We had been on the phone together off and on all day. He thought I was with Jasper, which was mostly true.

He pulled me into a rib crushing hug that had me dying for breath. "Don't you ever disappear on me like this. If your truck breaks down, you lock your door, and you wait for me to get to you. Do you understand, Bella? And you stay on the phone with me."

I tried reassuring him. "Of course, Dad. I'll stay on the phone. I swear."

He pulled back from me and ran his hands down my hair before kissing me on the forehead. "All day, I kept thinking this could have been you. That truck I bought you is a disaster. You travel that road once a week or so. This could have been you."

Seeing my father's shaking hands and the terror in his eyes was devastating to me. He was always in control and so strong he could move mountains. Today, he was two feet shorter and dying inside about not being able to find someone's daughter, a girl like me who was as loved by her parents as I was by mine.

I could barely look him in the eyes. The shame I felt over my plans to fake my death had me turning against myself. I was a piece of this man, and I had planned on taking that piece away. I never considered how much he needed me and loved me.

He already had so much on his plate, and he was still worried about me. "I hate the idea of you being home alone tonight, but I need to stay here."

"I'll stay and help you. I want to do what I can."

"I love you too much, kid. It makes you the biggest distraction in the world to me right now."

Guilt hammered me into the ground. I had to get out of here. "Don't worry about me, Dad. Go find Jessica, and I'll stay close to the Cullens. You know they'll look out for me."

Charlie hugged me again. "I couldn't have asked for a better girl."

He deserved the best girl and got stuck with me. "I should go. You need to get back to work."

A group of people swarmed him as soon as we left the room. Everyone had a hundred questions, and he was the man they expected to have all the answers.

Jasper decided to come out of the woodwork and was waiting for me outside the door. "Hold back the tears. People are watching for signs of any bad news he might have given you."

He was right. The room was noticeably quieter than earlier, and people were paying more attention to this corner of the building than was normal. I kept a blank expression on my face as we made our way through the people and out of the building. Whispers again followed our movements.

We loaded up in my truck before I asked about them. "What is everyone saying?"

"The police are certain it was an abduction and are stumped by the lack of evidence. The townspeople are gossiping. An affair with a married man. She ran away. She's playing a prank."

"What do you think happened?"

"She was taken by someone she knew for reasons you probably don't want to hear."

For the first time in days, I wished Edward was here. He would be able to read everyone's thoughts and decipher who took Jessica. Together we would figure out a way to steer my dad in that person's direction.

My dad. Guilt reared its ugly head again and stayed with me for the rest of the trip to the Cullen house. I wasn't sure where my future would take me, but I knew there had to be changes made to all my current plans.

I was turning in for bed when I stopped by Jasper's room to talk to him. He was in his rocking chair reading the book he borrowed from me.

"Something has to change. I can't fake my death. It would kill Charlie. But I can't stay human either. I don't want to lose your family."

Jasper's rocking stopped. "Oh la la. The human sees the error of her ways. Good for you."

"Don't take that attitude with me. I know I screwed up."

"It took you long enough. I was beginning to think everyone else's feelings were not important to you at all."

For the most part, they weren't. I had always put my own desires above that of everyone else in my life. I was a textbook example of selfish.

"I thought it would be enough to have you and everyone else as my family and friends. I never considered the ones I was leaving behind."

"Typical you. Focus on one aspect and ignore all others. What of our lives? Have you considered how your change would affect the family?"

They would have to help me in the beginning, but after that, their lives would be the same as they already were. Nobody had complained about the idea of me joining the family. Well, no one except Rosalie and Edward, but I wasn't exactly listening to them.

"I don't get what you mean. Would I mess things up, or do you not want me in the family?" I asked.

"I've told you how your senses will be. Your thirst for blood will be beyond your control. Do you not realize how it will affect me? That burn deep in your throat may belong to you alone, but the desire and desperation will hit me just as hard as it hits you. The time I've spent working on my control will be for nothing."

"You think I'll cause you to misstep and kill someone."

Professor Kill educated me even further. "It's not about slipping up. It's about the control I will lose because you'll be throwing your thirst at me."

"But you have experience dealing with newborns. You can handle it."

"This isn't nineteenth century Mexico. People will notice an elevated murder rate. Any kills I've made in the past were carefully planned. How can I do that with a rabid newborn at my side?"

I never once considered him. He would feel everything I did. "I'm sorry. I didn't think of that."

"Of course, you didn't. You never think of anyone but yourself. Your change could lead to my isolation until you are in better command of your thirst. It could take weeks. I may not even be able to help you at all."

This was why he was leaving to play with the birds. "Why didn't you tell me this before?"

He stood up. "Why bother? You listen no better than the Cullens. They make all these grand plans that are based on a best case scenario. What are the chances of that happening? Slim to none."

Hadn't he gone along with these plans? "It was your idea for us to have adjoining rooms. Why would you suggest it if you didn't think it would happen?"

"To piss off Edward. I hate that kid."

I had hoped there was more to it than that. "Is that the only reason?"

He hesitated before answering. "It's only one I should tell you."

As much as he tried to hold it back, I sensed his embarrassment.

I crossed over to him and stole one his hands hugging it to me. "Tell me."

Jasper looked down at our joined hands. There were some shy eye movements before he confessed. "You do something to me. I don't know how to explain what that something is, but I want more of it."

No further explanation was necessary. I felt the same way. "We'll be living in a place with very few people. You can stay with us. I won't kill anyone. I promise."

"Bella, you will fail. I don't say that to be cruel. You have to be prepared. If your sense of smell is as powerful as I suspect, you will never be isolated from humans. We can't go far enough to make that happen."

I pictured myself as a bloodhound with my nose to the ground while I hunted my victims. "There are more reasons for me to stay human than there are for me to change. Why is the family letting me do this?"

"They have their reasons, and blind, stupid hope is near the top of the list. Edward is the biggest fool of us all. He thinks he loves you, and he believes in you."

"And you don't?"

"I believe in you right now. This girl. This woman. Even your selfishness I can understand because of the reasons behind it. You love him so much, but you fail to see that who you are in this moment will die. Aspects of you will remain, but they are mere specks in a new creature that will wake up and overpower us all."

Optimism or denial – I wasn't sure which – won out. "You talk like my strength is a guarantee, and it's not."

Jasper traced a line along my neck. His touch was so cool and light. It was a whisper to my skin, and in that quiet noise, he revealed a secret.

"Even if you are no more powerful than Esme, you will still surpass us all. That I know."

Until tonight, I had thought my feelings were one sided, but they weren't. There was something there. It was in the way he touched me and the smiles I alone received. He shared parts of himself with me that no one else could hold claim to.

I repeated his words in my head and pulled them down deep where they could reside close to my heart. Nothing had ever touched me as deeply as what he just said.

I wished for more, but it was not to be. Jasper steered me to the door of his room. "It is best for us both if you go to bed now."

"I don't want to."

He pushed me out the door. "I know."

**

* * *

**

Soft hairs tickled at my nose. Panama had an annoying habit of sharing my pillow. I could kick him out of bed, but it was more rewarding to pull him close and hug him to me. I always got a lick of approval. It was my new favorite way of welcoming the day.

I ran my fingers through his hair. "Who's a good boy?"

"Who's a bad girl?"

I opened my eyes and was jolted by the sight of Edward standing in the corner of the room. He had been watching me sleep like always. I had never seen it as creepy until now.

"Why is that animal in our bed?" he asked. "Is this another of Emmett's jokes?"

I sat up and rubbed at my eyes. "This is Panama. He's not a joke. He's my dog."

"Get rid of him."

Screw you. "I'll do no such thing. He's not even just mine."

Edward crossed the room, and Panama growled at him. "He's not ours. That's for sure."

I was about to explain everything when a voice from the door did the work for me.

"He's ours. You should congratulate us. Bella and I are parents."

This was the voice that had stayed with me all through the night. We talked. We laughed. We kissed. Our life was uncomplicated and full of adventure and love. We went hunting, or as Dream Jasper joked, we went killing. Blood replaced all water. Love made up the song in my heart. We were happy.

Jasper was a dream. Edward was my reality.

I peeked around the interloper and found good reason to fall out of bed. Holy hell. There was my dream. His lean into the door emphasized the length of his body and his ability to be commanding even while in a relaxed position. He could be drinking scotch or about to lead an army into battle. I wanted to watch him do both.

We were of like minds this morning. His eyes lingered overly long on the eyelet trim of my camisole before traveling down the rest of me.

"I expected a cartoon t-shirt. You do like to surprise me, sunshine."

Jasper's good mood had me glowing from within. "Liar. You know what I like."

A smile that was too devilish to be decent. "Yeah, I think I know what you like."

Edward cleared his throat. Why would a vampire even do that? It was completely unnecessary, and it took me out of the moment. I was all up in Jasper dreamland again, and my fiancé had to go and kick my legs out from under me.

The dream patted his leg and called Panama to him. After one last glance at my nightshirt, he closed the bedroom door and went off on an adventure without me. It was enough to make me pout inside and out. I may have been the sun, but he was the one making me shine.

"What the hell was that?"

Oh, yeah. I had a man already. "That was Jasper. He's my new BFF and mortal enemy all wrapped up in one."

"I don't like it."

"Tough titty said the cat to the kitty. I don't like it when you tell me what to do, but I put up with it."

Had Edward been human, he would have choked on his tongue. It certainly looked like he swallowed it. "Is my Bella even in there anymore? Where did she go?"

This was me. I was sarcastic and had a sense of humor he never understood. I liked talking about bird hunting and could prepare a five course meal that made mouths water. I wanted nothing more than to sit outside on a rainy day and read a book until the moisture ruined the pages.

"This is me. We just haven't met until today."

He sat on the bed. His expression was as blank as Jasper's usually was. I could tell the wheels in his head were spinning, but I had no clue as to where they would stop.

He stuck a hand out and shook one of my own. "I'm Edward Cullen. I like it when you stop looking at me like I kill giants and save drowning kittens. I also think your Bella is better than mine. She smiles more. It's lovely to finally meet her."

This was when I began to believe in alien abductions. It was tempting to knock on his head in a couple places and see if the whole thing cracked open. This was not my Edward, but I wasn't his Bella, which made everything even out in a crazy way.

If only even were good enough. I wanted one of us to tip the scales. Who wanted boring old balance in a world where chaos existed in all its stellar beauty? Not me.

I wanted to jump into fire and dance on ice. Edward wanted to lock me in a padded cell and deny me access to anything not meeting with his approval. There would be no me, only him. It was what we always were. This was never _our_ relationship. It was _his_. I was just along for the ride and now very much ready to jump out of the car.

I would have done it, but something stopped me. Jasper wanted me to stay with Edward.

– "_A month ago, you would never have jumped off a cliff, fought against me to save a mangy dog, or looked at me like you are now. I dare you to stick it out so we can see what you do next month."_

– "_Wait and see what's around the next corner. Ask questions. Embrace trial and error. Backtrack a hundred times and be indecisive. Learn who you are. At the end of the day, you may find that Edward is exactly what you're looking for."_

I was never the cleverest girl. I overlooked a great deal and forgot most of what I learned. It was human nature. Infallible beings had impenetrable skin and perfect bouffant haircuts.

_Paging Mr. Cullen. Are you there, Mr. Cullen?_

Not being perfect didn't mean I was a complete idiot. Jasper had something to gain if I stayed with Edward, and with my fiancé being telepathic, he had to be in on it.

Until I knew what was going on with them, I'd play along like the sad sap they thought I was. I'd stay with the Jack of Hearts and keep a close eye on the King of Spades. He was the one dictating the rules of this house, and I was determined to find out why.

* * *

**Author's Note: No Joke. Jasper wants her to stay with Edward. Any thoughts as to why? Or are you just ready to smack me and call it a day?  
**

**People have been asking if Alice will show up and if there will be JPOVs. Both will happen, but it will be a while.  
**

**Thanks again for reading, and another huge thanks goes to the reviewers. I love that people are enjoying the story, and it's always fun to read your thoughts. **

**Chapter 9 should be posted next Wednesday or Thursday. **

**Have a great week,  
- Cris**


	9. Chapter 9 Malfunctioning Filters

**Conversations with My Killer  
**Chapter 9 - Malfunctioning Filters

The kitchen was packed. With the exception of Jasper, everyone in the family was milling about the room. They didn't eat, and the only reason most of them ever came in here was to talk to me. I found it hard to believe they all felt chatty this morning.

I made my way over to the fridge to prepare my chocolate milk. Greetings followed me. I repeated them back with a smile. I was especially warmhearted today.

A glass slid across the counter coming to a stop next to the fridge. Edward. "I already made it for you."

Okay. He never had before. Why start now?

"Thank you." It came out as more of a question than anything else.

The first sips told me he went very light on the chocolate. Another slide sent the syrup and a spoon over to me. This was all Emmett.

The room was quiet as I sugared up my morning drink. It was eerie having six vampires watching my every move.

"Is there something going on that I should know about?" I remembered Jessica. "They found her body, didn't they?"

Emmett shook his head. "No dead bodies today."

"Good to know."

More staring. No talking from them.

"I know you people are vampires and socially backwards in a million ways, so let me help you out. It's rude to stare."

Esme shot me a sneaky smile before moving over a foot. When she did, I saw something wrapped in plastic and hanging from the door of the pantry. Closer inspection told me it was clothing of some sort.

White. Long. Formal. Fuck.

Frigid arms came around my waist. The smell of sweet cereal swirled around the air. Edward was a sugar factory. "Alice found it for you."

I didn't want to talk about anything related to the wedding. "You found your sister?"

"No. She sent me on a wedding themed scavenger hunt. This was my last prize. She promised you'd love it."

Of course, she did. "What else did she leave you?"

"A menu for the reception. Bottles of champagne. Dresses for Esme and Rosalie. An envelope for Emmett. I suspect it contains bachelor party suggestions. Carlisle got his own envelope, and I got a charming video we will not be watching."

"What about Jasper? What did she leave for him?"

"Nothing."

It was strangely perfect and also very wrong. How many times was Jasper left with nothing and no one here thought anything of it? How many times had I failed to see it?

I pulled Edward's arms off of me. "Where is he? I need to see him."

"He left with the dog twenty minutes ago."

"Why?"

Rosalie answered. "We were looking at your dress, and he said you'd look good buried in it. Then he left."

Edward was quick to offer an explanation. "He doesn't believe you'll survive the change. He thinks I'm going to kill you."

My head was numb. I wasn't sure why. The thought of my own death didn't resonate with me. I was more concerned about Jasper. How could Alice leave something for everyone else but not him? It had to have hurt his feelings.

The family knew something was amiss. Carlisle came up and gave me a reassuring hug. "You will survive. I'll make sure of it."

The others echoed his thoughts. It was too much. Down to a man, they were concerned about me. Why not him?

"You have nothing to fear, Bella."

I wasn't even sure who said it. My response was cattier than it should have been. "Could you people shut up?"

A couple of gasps. They didn't even need to breathe. Why gasp? Why clear a throat? Why? Why? Why? Had they immersed themselves so thoroughly in a human lifestyle they didn't know what they were anymore?

They weren't human or vampire. They were aliens, and I wasn't ready to board the mother ship. "I have to go."

No one tried to stop me. Edward wasn't yelling out orders or demanding answers. He stood with his fellow green men and let me go.

I didn't have to think about my destination. I got in my truck and let instinct drive us both. I knew where he was. Our beach.

The hike to the cliff took me longer than the drive. When I reached the end of the world, I looked to the left and saw Panama running like crazy through the sand. Jasper was playing fetch with him. This was where I wanted to be.

I pulled my shoes off and tossed them to the ground before taking a running leap off the cliff. The water no longer shocked me. I quickly swam to join my strange family on the hidden beach.

Panama greeted me with front paws right to my chest. My _little_ dog was all legs and big feet. If he filled out like I expected, he would be a monster to match his daddy.

The dad wasn't so pleased to see me. "Go away, Bella. The boy and I are discussing man business."

I ruffled the four legged man's fur. "Let me guess. You're trading tips on women."

Jasper tossed a stick sending our dog dashing through the sand. "For your information, we were doing just that."

I could hear it now. I took on a deep voice imitating Jasper. "Why yes, Pan, that poodle does have nice legs. It's the fluffy buns on her butt that scare me."

His lips twitched. "You are so irritating."

"Liar. I see that smile you're trying to hold back."

Deep breath. Slow exhale. "Edward is home. You shouldn't be here."

"The family shouldn't treat you like a guest, but they do. It pisses me off. Why wouldn't Alice send something along for you? It's mean."

"I see her all the time. If she has something for me, she can give it to me."

So that was what he did when he left town. He went to see Alice. "Does the family know about this?"

"No, and if they find out, I'll break that pretty neck of yours."

Yeah. Yeah. Threaten me. I didn't care. "She's hiding out from Edward, isn't she?"

"Yes."

I knew him well enough to know I wouldn't get any other information out of him today. Jasper parceled out the secrets with great care. If I showed myself able to keep this one, he would eventually tell me more.

I went on another fishing expedition. "How do you hide the truth from Edward?"

"I give him parts of the truth that will steer him in the direction I need him to go. The rest of the time, I think of other things."

"Like what?"

He held my hand and walked with me closer to the water. "Would you believe me if I said baking?"

I snorted. Baking? Him? "Not a chance."

"Did you not see all the cookbooks in my room? I love baking. It's a very precise exercise, and yet, there is room to be daring with ingredients."

Only he could make baking sound pirate like. "You're like a rogue baker."

"Hardly. It's boring, but it sends Edward running out of my head."

There wasn't anything boring about cooking to me, but I got to enjoy the fruits of my labor. Jasper was stuck with a glass of blood and a bunch of wasted effort.

"So what would you prefer thinking about?" I asked.

Jasper tore his eyes from my shirt and moved them up to my neck. The intensity of his interest sent a tremor through me.

He licked his lips. "I think of the taste of your blood. Whether or not you would fight me. The sound of you screaming. Where I should kill you. I've decided on my shower. It's big and easy to clean."

I had much better ideas for what we could do in his shower. Hell, we didn't even have to do anything. Watching him get all soapy and wet would be entertaining enough for me. We could work up to the fun stuff later.

I shook off my elicit thoughts. "Anything else? Preferably non-bloody."

He grabbed my wet shirt and used it to pull me close to him. "The way your voice makes me feel like the sun is always shining. How stunning you look wearing wet clothes. The way your hair falls down your back. The color of your lips."

Oh my sweet lord. "Does Edward hear any of that?"

"No, but he will now. I can't stop thinking about you."

The magic was there. He leaned down. We could have kissed. It would have been awesome. It didn't happen.

I pushed him back. "That's nice. Can we talk about what else he hears?"

Jasper stood there in open mouthed shock. "What?"

"My dazzled days are done. You know I want you. I could dry hump you here and be a happy girl, but let's stay on topic."

He shook his head. "Are you screwing with me?"

"No. I'm tired of all the nonsense. I want to know what's going on with you."

His eyes shifted from left to right. I knew he was trying to figure out what to do with me. He decided, and I went flying.

He _threw_ me into the ocean. It wasn't a gentle drop into the water. He _threw _me. It didn't hurt, but goddamn, it pissed me off. I came up spitting water and thrashing about. I was ready to kill him. The sight of me swimming back to shore and stomping up the sand didn't scare him at all. He stood still and waited.

I stuck my finger in his chest. "You do that again, and I won't talk to you for a week."

My life became a rerun. I hit the water harder this time. Fucking asshole.

When I made it back to the beach, he was standing at the top of the ragged, rocky mess of earth that separated the real world from our beach. He had my shoes in his hands. He knew I always left them at the top of the cliff we jumped from.

"Good luck climbing out of there, and try not to slip. You won't survive the fall," Jasper yelled down to me.

It wasn't exactly a vertical ascent, but it would be tough, too tough. I got winded going up stairs. I couldn't do this. "If you don't help me, I'll be stranded."

"Your problem. Not mine."

There was no way he would leave me here. He just wouldn't.

Jasper threw my shoes down to me and waved goodbye. I screamed out his name, and he walked away. Panama gave a loud bark and followed along behind his evil owner. Traitor.

It took several minutes for me to believe he wasn't coming back. The realization was a blow to any feelings of trust I had developed for him in the last month. He'd always warned me not to put any faith in him, and today, he showed me why.

The climb left me scratched up and bruised. My shins were bleeding, and my hands ached. My temper boiled with each foot of rock I left below me. When I finally made it to the top, I spread out on the ground and stayed there for an hour. I was sick from not having eaten any breakfast or lunch. My eyes teared up from just thinking about the long walk back to my truck, but I was also stomping the ground with pride while smiling up at sky. I did good. I did damn good.

Three lessons came out of my climb. One, I realized I was stronger than I looked. Two, hurting made me feel more alive. Three, I hated Jasper so much I needed prayer.

**

* * *

**

It was late afternoon before I was cleaned up, fed, and ready to face the world again. After calling Edward and letting him know I was safe and sound, I stopped by the police station to visit with Charlie and drop off some dinner for him. He again got emotional on me, which in turn made me cry.

The lack of progress in Jessica's disappearance left him stressed out and frustrated. I knew from my earlier call to Edward that the mythical creature crew was having no more success than the police. I had hoped the addition of Edward would help move things along, but it did no good. He read the minds of everyone in town and came away with nothing.

In the back of my head, I still held Jasper as my prime suspect. By now, Edward would know if his brother took the girl. Would it matter to him? A few months ago, this wouldn't have even been a question. These days, I didn't feel like I knew him or anyone else. Hell, I was still lost on who I was.

Jasper was the perfect example of the extent of my confusion. Even after what happened earlier in the day, I wanted nothing more than to curl up next to him and listen to him talk. My anger had faded as I came to the conclusion that I felt pretty damn great right now. I had done something I never thought possible but only because he forced me to see that I could. His methods sucked, but damn if they didn't work.

Was this the result of a disease of the brain brought on by my infatuation? Could he do no wrong? Were there any limits to what I would take from him? And if his lessons made me stronger, didn't it excuse his questionable methods?

Gah. I sounded like one of those weak willed women who put up with too much from their men. Actually, I was one of those idiot women. I needed to grunt like a cave beast and declare my power. I was Bella. So, hear me roar, and all the other clappy happy feminist crap.

This was what I told myself right before pushing open the front door of Castle Cullen. Jasper was the first one I saw. Mostly because he was the first one I looked for. I didn't give him as much as a glare. He expected a reaction out of me, and I'd rather lick poisonous frogs than give him one.

Edward crossed over to me with a smile smeared on his face like jam. It was too bright and completely out of place when compared with the critical look in his eyes. He may have left me alone all day, but he wasn't happy about it.

I moved to embrace him, and he backed up at the same time. We tried to correct the miscommunication, and the reverse happened. He lifted his arms to hug me, and I stepped away from him. We were an affectionate game of tug of war without the fun. When we did manage to connect, I counted the seconds in my head, and he held me way too tight. To say we were out of sync would be an understatement.

"We've been waiting for you," he said woodenly. "The family is playing a game of Ketchup."

It was what they always did when someone went out of town. Rather than tell stories multiple times, everything was relayed once. While they'd waited for my arrival, the others had caught him up on their own deeds. Mine were the only ones missing.

Catching up was a strained experience. Edward wanted details about how I spent my days, and the only ones I could remember involved Jasper. Telling my man I was crushing hard on his brother didn't rate high on my list of things to do.

In stark contrast to my lack of details, Edward provided too many. I struggled to keep my eyes open. A wild goose chase should have been exciting or at least interesting. It wasn't. I could sum his week up in a few words. He didn't see Alice. She sent him on a scavenger hunt where she left him a trail of gifts for the family. And he killed a bear two days ago.

I didn't need to know about the bank teller who was stealing from his employer. Nor did I care about the large man at the gas station with the broad shoulders and the build of an offensive tackle. This information wasn't critical to me sleeping well at night.

The only reason he stopped talking was when I interrupted him to ask if the family was continuing their search for Jessica. The look he gave me was like I asked him to paint the moon pink. He no more cared about the fate of the human girl than Jasper did. The difference was one admitted his indifference and the other didn't.

A person could say all they wanted about Jasper, but he never attempted to meet other people's expectations of good behavior. He was rough and apathetic but honest about his nature.

There was more talking from Edward about his trip. The family was enraptured with every word. You would have thought he was spinning wild tails of murder and mayhem. They were all on the edge of their seats, except for Jasper. He was the frozen treat in the corner of the room who was sighing with impatience every few minutes. He was as bored as I was.

I yawned for the millionth time in the last two hours. Yes, two. How could it take that long to say nothing at all?

With boredom threatening my sanity, my mind wandered. Jasper was watching me again. His hungry expression made me feel like the only steak at a lumberjack convention. He told me earlier he couldn't stop thinking about me. I would kill to know what he was thinking right now.

My body took on a fuzzy feeling, and my midsection knotted up. I wanted just five more minutes alone with him today. We would start off railing at each other, but it wouldn't last long. He would explain why he was such a jerk earlier, and I would tell him how good I felt after my climb. He would shake his head and tell me I had a death wish. I'd laugh and offer him a bite.

We were good like that. Easy really. Everything about us came together so naturally. We were never angry long, and nothing seemed to break the pull that existed between us. I wanted to yell at him and laugh with him. He wanted to bite me on the neck and burn me with his poison.

Something shattered against the wall across from me. "Do I have your attention now?" Edward shouted.

It was a struggle to look away. My head cooperated, but my eyes were still on Jasper. He wore a disapproving scowl. This was bad. An unhappy Jasper made for an unhappy Bella. We should tell the others we were going out for some ice cream or something. Could he eat blood sorbet? Would it be out of bounds if I cut a vein and tried to make some for him?

I should have let him kiss me. Dammit. Stupid, stupid girl. Why did I let him kiss me?

Someone screamed my name out at me. Couldn't I have a single minute to myself? I looked over at Edward. "Did you need me?"

Emotion cracked his words into shards that matched the glass on the floor. "Yes, I need you."

From the corner of my eye, I saw Jasper stand. He excused himself from the table and left out the back door of the house. His departure was the final push I needed to wake up.

"Did I miss something?"

What followed was what I later referred to as The Jasper Filter Intervention. The family wasn't surprised by my obvious interest in the oldest son. They expected it.

Esme started us off. "Bella, every person in the family at one point or another has become infatuated with Jasper. It is a product of his ability."

Gross. Even Edward? What about Carlisle and Emmett? I wasn't opposed to some gay shenanigans, but this was pushing it. These people called each other family, brothers and sisters even. The very idea of crushes developing disgusted me.

I had to ask. "Even you Edward?"

His nostrils flared. "Yes."

I started laughing. He growled. I laughed harder. It was highly inappropriate. Emmett joined me.

Edward took exception to his brother's amusement. "Hey, Bella. Should I tell you the story about this meathead questioning his sexuality?"

The big guy shoved the table at his brother. "Shut up."

Edward voice was icy. "Rose is so pretty, but Jasper makes me think about nude wrestling. That's normal, right?"

Emmett broke in. "It is normal. That was how they did it back in the day. I believe in authenticity."

Wow. What could I possibly say about that?

Carlisle brought us back to the main point of this conversation. "Jasper is an empath living in a house with competitive rivalries, loving couples, deep friendships, and strong individual personalities. All the resulting emotions filter through him and spread to all of us. Good and bad."

"So what are you saying?"

"I'm saying we pick up feelings that may or may not be related to who we are with or what we are doing. Because of this, we have all experienced the same issue you are struggling with right now. We've been drawn to him and couldn't understand why."

Rosalie nodded along with the rest of them. "Any feelings you have for Jasper are manufactured. Not a single one of them is genuine."

"It's almost broken up marriages," Emmett admitted sourly. "Rosalie kicked me to the curb in '68. It broke my heart."

"For about a day," she snarked. "The trick is discovering how you feel when you're alone with him. The air clears, right?"

Not even a little bit. Jasper was the fog that made my life fucking awesome. "Of course, it clears. He's just Jasper when I'm not around you people."

Esme nodded in approval. "Exactly. Spend more time with him away from the house. You'll figure out pretty quick that your interest in him isn't real. It's just a product of his ability."

Time with Jasper. I could do that. "If you think it'll work."

"Do you have reason to believe it wouldn't?" Edward asked.

A hundred. None of which I would list off. "How does he feel about all this?"

"Annoyed and confused. A small part of him believes in the infatuation even when he knows it's a lie. It's why he left earlier. He wanted us to explain all this to you, and he needed to put some distance between the two of you."

They were wrong. Jasper wanted to provide them with a reason behind our obvious interest in one another. He led them along the path he wanted them to follow. If they bought into the lie, he could continue spending time with me.

"Are you okay with all this?" I asked Edward.

"Absolutely. Wanting to jump Jasper is a rite of passage in this family. You're truly one of us now."

Great. I was one of them. But what would they do when they found out our feelings weren't about Jasper being the family filter?

**

* * *

**

"Why are you not talking to me?" Edward whined.

I wrote the answer out on a piece of paper. _I'm practicing. I told J I wasn't talking to __him for a week._

"Why?"

_Just a game we're playing._

Edward kicked at the grass along the trail we were walking. I'd put a significant amount of distance between us. No touching. No eye contact. No talking, from me at least. He hated it.

"So why can't you talk to me?"

It was much easier being around him when I didn't have to talk. _I thought it'd be fun._

"It's not fun at all."

I disagreed completely.

"What did you think of what the family talked about last night?" Edward asked.

It provided me the perfect cover to continue my personal journey. _I'm yours, but J did look lovely this morning. His hair is shiny._

"More like greasy."

It was not. I glared at him.

He smiled. "Grimy."

I swatted him.

"Gopher guts."

He ran off, and I chased him. I lost him before taking a dozen steps. His laughter rang out from one section of the forest and then another. Someone was feeling mighty playful today. I wandered through the trees looking for him knowing I would only find him when he wanted me to.

"Mutilated monkey meat," he sang from right behind me.

I spun around, and he was right on me. "Move those pretty lips, and I'll stop singing," he promised.

I shook my head, and he took a step closer. "Chopped up baby parakeet."

It was such a silly song. My smile had him flashing one back at me in return. "New Bella is fun."

I finally spoke. "New Edward is goofy."

"She speaks," he crowed loudly.

"She hates that song."

Edward tilted my chin up and gave me a soft kiss on the lips. "She looks beautiful when she smiles."

I didn't feel so beautiful. What the hell was I doing with him? "Do you ever feel like we were supposed to be friends and nothing more?"

"Sometimes but not today."

Edward kissed me again. The earth didn't shake, but it was pleasant enough. I tried to keep in mind Jasper's theory that Edward might turn out to be the one I wanted, but it was impossible to keep the good side of my inner Jiminy Cricket quiet. She wanted me to tell him something was wrong with us.

"What if what I feel for Jasper isn't a lie? What if I really do care for him?"

"Do you think you do?" he asked.

"I know it's the last thing you want to hear, but I can't lie to you. I care about Jasper more than I probably should."

There wasn't an angry outburst or anything else I thought might happen. Edward held my hand and walked through the trees with me while we talked this out.

"He makes you think in ways you never have before, right? He's mean to you and nice to you. It's confusing and exhilarating all at the same time."

Most definitely. "How did you know all that?"

"It's his usual way of getting to know someone. Jasper will push you to question everything you ever believed, and when the moment is right, he'll give you an impossible choice. After you make your decision, his fun is over and the game ends."

This sounded exactly like what he was doing with me. "Is this normal for him?"

Edward nodded. "Yes, and we've all experienced it. For the most part, we came out unscathed, and Alice promised me that you will, too. Besides, it's fun for the rest of us that get to watch."

This family was supremely screwed up. I felt less and less guilty by the minute knowing they played these kinds of games with each other just for the sake of keeping boredom at bay.

"I don't like you guys using me to keep yourselves entertained."

"Should I keep pretending we're as nice as you thought we were?" he asked. "What good does that do when you seem to prefer someone who isn't nice at all?"

"That's not true."

"It's very true and very sad because you don't realize just how little he values you, Bella. You are a passing interest."

My mind was creating an entirely different picture. Edward sounded almost like a jilted lover, and I really didn't want to go there with my thoughts. The nude wrestling with Emmett was bad enough.

I tried to move the subject to different territory. "Why would the family put up with him if this is how he treats them?"

"We all bring something to the table. Emmett is brute strength. Esme offers us unconditional love. Carlisle is as compassionate as Rosalie is vindictive and ruthless. Alice guides our paths. I read the minds of those around us. Jasper trains us to fight."

He made them sound less like a family and more like a group of skilled workers. "You are a family first, right?"

"Yes, but families like ours are not built on love alone. Necessity comes into play. Like him or not, Jasper makes us more powerful."

What about me? Was I Bella or something else to them? Jasper had already said the family wanted me for my potential. At the time, I hadn't put much thought into it. Their love for me came first. Now, I was wondering if that were true.

"Edward, your interest in me. It's not just about love, is it?"

"It absolutely is. You know you come before everyone. Think back on where I stand on turning you. If I had ulterior motives, wouldn't I support your change instead of trying to prevent it?"

Not when he knew I was dead set on becoming one of them. He could object to my plans and play the good guy when all along he secretly supported my decision. Another light bulb went off. If he secretly wanted me to be turned, our compromise was bogus. He would be getting the vampire he wanted and the bride he claimed he needed. Marrying me would tie me to the family forever.

If that were true, it would explain why Edward never tried to frighten me away with the harsh truths of his existence. For the most part, he allowed me to see it as a fairytale life. When he did say anything, the subject was glossed over quickly.

Jasper threw truth at me and let me drown in it. His lessons were about educating me and forcing me to see the ugly side. Not once did he let me focus overly long on the pretty parts that were all an illusion. This whole realization even came about because of him. I would never have looked for hidden agendas within the Cullen family if he hadn't pointed out to me that I should.

Knowing this led me to another conclusion. I had thought Jasper and Edward had to be working in conjunction with each other, but it was impossible. Edward could read Jasper's mind, but he only picked up what his brother allowed him to see.

If all of this were true, Edward was playing me while at the same time he was being played by Jasper. But to what end? To my knowledge, I was the only link between them. The logical conclusion was that they both wanted something and whatever it was involved me.

The romantic entanglements only added more gunk to the picture. I wasn't sure if what I felt for Jasper was reciprocated or not. The second I mentioned ending my relationship with Edward, he backed off of me and insisted I stay with my fiancé. Was this because I took his play too seriously? Did he not return my feelings like I thought he did? Were my feelings even real or just part of his filtering problem?

Every time I thought I figured out one thing, I had a million other questions. What sucked was that the people I could go to for answers were the last people I should trust. Jasper was right. A person only told you what they wanted you to hear. The whole truth was a myth people created out of naivety or stupidity. I was guilty of both.

**

* * *

**

Jasper was quicksand to me. Both my feet were caught, and the rest of me was at risk of being pulled under. I tried ignoring him and failed miserably. The family thought it was one big joke every time they caught me staring at him. I was his latest victim, and they enjoyed my suffering.

Unlike the family, Jasper was not the least bit amused. He was on an angry tear for the whole week. He rarely spoke, but when he did, it came out in a growl. Cabinets and doors were slammed. Several were left broken. He wouldn't so much as look at me without flinching away like I injured him.

I was beginning to believe everything they told me was true. He didn't care for me. It was all my imagination. He had somehow acted as a filter for all of Edward's love. None of it was real.

But if this were true, why did being separated from him hurt so much? If the feelings were smoke and mirrors, why did I want to cry just from seeing him? How could he cause my skin to burn when he wasn't even close to me? And why wouldn't the family leave us alone together?

They were the ones that said my true feelings would reveal themselves if I spent time with him on my own, but they wouldn't allow us that time. There was always one reason or another for them to hang around. Emmett was the worst offender. He kept me in his sights almost constantly. We weren't always in the same room together, but he made sure to be nearby.

Edward was back to not leaving my side for a second. He made a point of expressing how critical I was to his survival. He would die without me. I would die without him. There was no escape for me. It took all of this for me to see that I had no power in this relationship. If I wanted to leave Edward, he wouldn't let me.

As awful as that was, we would have wonderful moments where he would switch to being the man I fell in love with. He would make me laugh at some silly joke I would never have expected from him. He would kiss me and tell me his dreams for our future. According to him, all we had to do was make it passed the hurdles in front of us, a wedding and my change. After that, we would have everything we ever wanted.

Being with him in those moments made me want to hold on to him forever. He was so sweet and gentle. I could almost believe he wasn't the obsessive man who made me feel like I lived under a dark cloud. The constant switch between the two sides of him left me exhausted.

The only time I breathed easy was when I was around Charlie. He would tell me about his day, and we would eat dinner together. I always found a reason for him to stay up late with me. A movie. A baseball game. Anything.

He never once noticed something was wrong. He was so distracted by Jessica's case that he had little room in his head for anything beyond his work. When he did look up, he barely saw anything other that the television and the plate of food I set in front of him. His lack of attention had me screaming inside.

It was at the end of the week that I found relief. The day started out like most others. The family kept me tied to them. Jasper ignored us. Panama stalked his daddy's every step. The two of them were inseparable.

I was tired of seeing them together. "Panama. Come."

He came running over to me. He licked my face, and I rubbed my hands along his sides. "Hello, sweet boy. What are you doing?"

Jasper tried to call him back. "Pan. Come."

The dog started to move, but I hugged him. "He's my dog, too."

"We have things to do, Bella. He's coming with me."

"Can I come, too?" I begged. "Please."

It was a simple question, but you would have thought I dropped a grenade in the room. We were all waiting for the boom. The air around me became still. All ears in the house were trained on us. Edward put a hand on my leg and squeezed. He made it more than clear he didn't want me going anywhere.

I didn't care about any of it. If Jasper said I could come, no one would stop me from joining him.

It was clear to all of us that part of him wanted to be alone with me, but another part wanted me across the ocean from him. I tried to throw out my need to see him. It was life threatening. If I didn't spend time with him, I would die.

_Please. Take me with you._

The wait was excruciating. When he did speak, it was as if acid dripped from his tongue. "Change your clothes first. I don't want _his _smell on you."

And there was the boom.

* * *

**Author's Note: Yes, there will be a boom that follows. My question this week is do you think this was Jasper's way of revealing his feelings or was he just baiting Edward? Keep in mind that true to my usual Jasper build, his thoughts are often worse than his words, and this Edward hears them. More to the point, he hears what Jasper wants him to hear.  
**

**I love love loved the comments this week. Even when you want to yell and curse me, it's still mighty fun to get your thoughts. **

**Thanks for reading and another thanks to anyone leaving a review. I'll be back again next Wednesday or Thursday with Chapter 10.**

** - Cris  
**

**Here is a tiny excerpt from next week:**

"Not today, sweets. There's too much venom. It'll make you pass out if you get too close."


	10. Chapter 10 The Damned

**Conversations with My Killer  
**Chapter 10 - The Damned

_I didn't care about any of it. If Jasper said I could come, no one would stop me from joining him._

_It was clear to all of us that part of him wanted me all alone, but another part wanted me across the ocean from him. I tried to throw out my need to see him. It was life threatening. If I didn't spend time with him, I would die. _

_Please. Take me with you._

_The wait was excruciating. When he did speak, it was as if acid dripped from his tongue. "Change your clothes first. I don't want his smell on you."_

_And there was the boom. _

_

* * *

_

Edward was across the room and in Jasper's face before I even knew he moved. "She'll always smell like me."

"Last week, she smelled like the ocean, Panama, and me. Where were you?"

"Am I supposed to be jealous of two stray dogs and a body of water?"

"Have you seen the way she pets that dog? Look in my head and see how she pets me."

Edward slugged him, and the fight was on. I had seen their sparring matches, but this was completely different. Edward was out for blood. He had always fought defensively with the others. Today, he went straight for the throat. At one point, he kicked his older brother into a wall. It was the last piece of action I was able to make out.

This fight was like the rest of my life with them. They all operated at speeds that left me ten miles behind them. I never knew what was really happening, and I couldn't trust them to provide me with an accurate play-by-play.

The whole thing came across as a clichéd pissing contest, and I was the fire hydrant in the middle they marked with their urine. While they danced around the room, I was busy asking myself what it said if I continued to sign up for the role of piss station.

The fight ended with a ripping sound. All movement stopped, and Jasper was left cradling his right arm. True to my nature, I rushed over to him. He was missing a chunk out of his wrist. Of course, he was. His inner monologue was probably cheering about having sustained an injury that would gain my sympathies.

There was nothing he did that wasn't planned out in advance. The thought of how stupid these people thought I was made me tear up. They all played a role, and I was the idiot who watched with wide-eyed innocence. I felt like such a weakling for crying, but there were so many emotions charging the air. I couldn't make heads or tails of anything. It was overwhelming and awful. The frustration more than anything got to me.

Jasper saw the tears. "Stop leaking. I hate that."

He hugged me with his good arm. "It won't hurt long. Here you can check it out if you want."

I reached for his wrist, and he pulled it back with a smile. "No samples."

It was his way of making light of this in the hope that it would calm me down. Even with the crap in my head making me hate him just a little, I still teased right back.

"Just a little -"

Jasper cut me off. "Not today, sweets. There's too much venom. It'll make you pass out if you get too close."

Pissy Edward didn't like our moment. "You wouldn't like it. He tastes like cyanide."

Actually, he didn't. "Jasper tastes like pomegranate pepper jelly. Sweet and tart with a little heat. He's like fire on my tongue."

I caught them all off guard. Edward looked like someone kicked him in the chest. Jasper was taken aback and then grinning like a fool.

A new light shined in his eyes. "Smart girl."

Smart? I hadn't done or said anything smart in weeks. "I don't understand."

His sinister smile sent a chill through me. "You don't have to."

Phones went off. No one moved to answer them.

Jasper nudged me in the side. "We're leaving."

I heard a shout. I was standing next to him in one second and flipped around behind him in the next. Another blink and you missed it move left Edward on the ground and Jasper standing over him with one of his boots pressed into the other man's throat.

Edward didn't even try to fight back. "She'll hate you."

"No, she won't." One vicious stomp crushed Edward's neck.

Noise. Screaming. Shouting. Shadows seemed to fill the room, and the noise grew louder. Jasper pulling his lighter out brought silence.

"Does anyone else object to us leaving?" he asked calmly.

Emmett was the only one brave enough to speak. "Not if you let me go with you."

"Fine by us."

Jasper knelt down beside his downed brother and flicked his lighter playfully. "Still have a death wish?"

I found my voice. "Jasper, stop."

He looked over his shoulder at me. "Are you still coming with me?"

"Yes, I'll go. Just don't burn him."

"Emmett, run upstairs and grab the black bag out of my closet. Bella, go wait outside for me."

I wasn't sure if he would light Edward on fire or not. "I'm not waiting outside. You come with me now, or I'll stay here."

He released a deep breath he'd been holding. "Fine, but no whining over his injuries. We know you love him. I don't need to hear you bleating about it in the car."

It was true that Edward held a very large piece of my heart. His obsessive behavior may have been chipping away at the corners of it, but I still loved him.

I would have said goodbye, but the second I made a move in his direction, Jasper stopped me. "Don't waste your time. The kid doesn't even know who he is right now."

"Will he be okay?"

"In a few hours."

Jasper took a hold of my right elbow and led me through the house. We passed by Carlisle, Rosalie, and Esme. Medusa must have shined her light on them. They were frozen in place.

Once outside and away from the house, Jasper opened one of the doors to Emmett's jeep for me. I couldn't climb in.

He grabbed my hand, and I pulled it away from him. "Don't."

"Go play the victim with someone else. You wanted to leave. You can either get your ass in the car or stay here. Make a choice."

"No."

"To which part. Leaving. Staying. Drama queening."

The events began to catch up to me. "You crushed his throat."

"I've also killed babies. What's your point?"

Was he really that oblivious to what was considered normal behavior? "Why would you do that to him?"

"Because I can. Next time, I'll burn him whether you try to stop me or not."

No, he would not. "You can't kill him. Think about how much he means to all of us. I'd never forgive you."

"Killing has nothing to do with other people's affections. Everyone has someone who loves them. Holding Edward up as an example is like saying trees are tall. I can calculate their height but doing so doesn't change how I go about my day."

Yes, Jasper really was that callous. The few people who mattered to him were lucky. The rest could disappear from the planet, and he wouldn't care in the least.

He even theorized that I felt the same way. "If the state of South Dakota was swallowed by the Earth in a single catastrophic event, would it really change how you lived your life?"

Probably not, but I wasn't going to admit it.

His voice took on a special sparkle that played up his sarcasm. "Would every moment become more precious? Would you see the sky above you in a different light?"

"Yes."

"Bullshit. You'd be thinking the same thing as me. Mount Rushmore. What a fucking waste of time and energy."

His irreverence shouldn't have shocked me, but it did. "Is there anything sacred to you?"

"What? Like God?"

"Yes. Some foundation for good behavior. A moral code. Do you believe in anything?"

"I determine my own moral code."

That was something at least. "What about punishment? You mentioned karma before."

"I say a lot of things. Why must they all have meaning? Why can't I toss out random crap like everyone else?"

He was missing my point. "I'm talking about rewarding or punishing behavior. Something that makes you want to be good."

"There is no heaven or hell. I see no reason to follow the laws of man or god when our fate is the same regardless of our actions. We all die, Bella. Some just take longer than others."

Jasper used his fingers to trace a cross on my chest. "And let me tell you something about the truly righteous. They don't exist, and if they did, they'd envy the damned."

I envied the innocent, and I always would. No amount of conversation with him would bridge that gap. I couldn't look over the decisions he made or the cold shoulder he gave the rest of the world. I wanted to be a better person than that. Around him, I never would be.

"I can't go with you."

"Yes, you can. Get in the jeep."

No, I really couldn't. "Jasper, thank you for showing me a different world, but you can keep the rest of it to yourself. I'm not ready for it."

He leaned against the jeep and crossed his arms over his chest. "And again, you find a new way of proving yourself to be substandard. Outstanding."

This man knew just how to pull my strings. I would jump through hoops to please the people around me. Eating too much food. Trying to be the person Edward wanted me to be. The clothes. My language. Everything about me.

That need to please was what made me less than what I could be. I was a weak shit for letting others dictate my life. Fire hydrant. Blood bag. Human sacrifice. No longer.

"You can take your expectations and shove them straight down your throat. From now on, I only care if I disappoint myself."

Jasper clapped loudly. "Bella has a brain of her own. Now use it for a change. You can be the bitch that leaves a wounded Edward here, or you can be the idiot that stays and lets him cage her up. It's your choice."

"I don't want to go with you."

"Then stay, but you forfeit any right to complain about your situation."

**

* * *

**

Three hours later, I was in the backseat of Emmett's jeep wondering if we were ever going to reach our destination. The driver thumbed his nose at one of the grand traditions of the Cullen family. Jasper drove the speed limit. This wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't needed to go to the bathroom so bad.

"Are we almost there?"

Jasper didn't answer me. He spoke to Emmett. "Call the Cannery. Two rooms. Make sure to mention the dog."

"Jasper, answer me."

"Another hour or so. Do you need to stop?"

"Yes."

Mercifully, he gave in. I ran to the bathroom while they walked the dog. When I returned to them, they were talking about me.

"Humans are so high maintenance. How does he put up with her?" Emmett asked.

Jasper sniffed the air. "It's the smell. She's very aromatic."

"But mouthy."

"Very."

They were so nice. "You know I can hear you."

"Ah, dear Bella. We missed you," Emmett said with a cheeky grin.

I rolled my eyes at him and snatched Panama's leash. "If you bite Uncle Emmett, I'll give you a biscuit."

"If you slobber on your mama, I'll give you two," Emmett negotiated.

Jasper cut between us. "Quit trying to ruin the dog. He's the only normal one in this family."

We climbed into the Jeep and were on our way again. This was such a strange day. "Why are we all so happy? Shouldn't we be feeling worse about Edward?"

"These kinds of fights are normal," Emmett claimed. "We just haven't let you see it until today. In a few days, we'll go home, and all will be well."

Oh really. "Lovely."

Jasper shifted gears and steered us onto the highway. "Don't feel bad. He shouldn't have tried to stop us from leaving."

"You baited him into coming after you," I reminded him. "And you lied about me petting you. That was mean."

"He deserved it for having you beaten down into a miserable mess all week. And that threatening to kill himself crap is going to stop."

Emmett's head almost snapped off. "When did he do that?"

"Haven't you heard him say he would die without her? What do you think that means?"

Great job, jackass. "That's not what it means."

"Is that why you asked me to keep an eye on her when you weren't around?" Emmett asked his brother.

"It's one of the reasons."

The nude mud wrestling fanatic got wise. "What about when he says she would die without him?"

Jasper met my eyes in the rearview mirror. "When did he say that?"

"Emmett is mistaken. Edward never said that."

"I hate it when you lie to me."

I hated how he alternated between pushing me away and reeling me in. "This subject is closed."

Had it not been for those cryptic words from Edward, I wouldn't have run so fast away from him when I had the chance.

**

* * *

**

It was dark when we arrived at the hotel. The rooms turned into an argument. Jasper wanted me to stay with him. Emmett insisted I have a room of my own. I personally didn't see what the big deal was. Jasper was going to attack me or make any moves on me. He just wanted me close.

The smart person inside me said it was a bad idea, but I slapped her mouth. In spite of all the differences between us, I wanted to stay with Jasper.

"Emmett, I know you're trying to look out for me, and it's sweet. But I'm staying with Jasper. You have my permission to barge in if you think we're getting frisky."

Jasper smiled over that. "Absolutely. Barge in. We'll see what happens."

"Don't threaten your brother."

"Don't encourage him to interrupt my alone time with you."

"He can hear every word we say. It's why you agreed to let him come along. He's our chaperon."

Emmett got serious on us. "Just tell me now. Is there something going on with you two? Should I be worried?"

Jasper and I lied in perfect unison. "No."

"And the venom?"

"Is none of your damn business," Jasper snapped.

Real subtle, idiot. "I have an overactive imagination is all. I have no idea what his venom tastes like."

Emmett nodded liked he believed me. "Good to know. Let's get out of the rain."

That was quick. He either bought it or was tired of us blatantly lying to him. He was no dummy, which meant it was probably the latter.

We went our separate ways after checking in. Emmett took Panama for the night, and Jasper and I went up to our room. The whole situation was strange. We were alone but not alone.

Jasper didn't relax until our door closed behind us. He set the bag on the floor and turned to face at me.

"Come here," he mouthed silently.

I said something inane while crossing over to him. "The room is bigger than I expected."

His right hand went up to my neck. "I love the view. I've missed the feel of it."

"Have you?"

His fingers stroked my skin tenderly. "Very much so."

"Why do you like it so much?"

"I can feel the pulse of the river. The ships breeze through the water like air. It's the blood, the breath, and the life of this town. Nothing is more valuable than that."

Soft kisses along my jawline had me praying for more. "Nothing?"

"Nothing."

We were so close. Too close. "I should probably stay with Emmett."

His lips brushed mine in a teasing whisper. "Should you?"

"Yes."

One of his hands moved up to my hip and pulled my body in closer to his. "I don't think I'll let you."

I didn't much care at this moment. "Okay."

Jasper stepped back from me breaking the spell. "Good. There are clothes and toiletries in the bag. You should take a shower. I'm going out."

"Wh-what?"

"Me, out. You, shower." He dangled two fingers and danced them back and forth. "Run along."

Uh huh. He did not dismiss me with walking fingers. "That's all you have to say."

He cuffed my chin lightly. "My dazzled days are done, sport."

This was retaliation for the day at the beach.

Jasper smiled like the cat that ate the canary. "Sucks, doesn't it?"

"I hate you."

"Sure you do."

**

* * *

**

Jasper was gone for about a minute when there was a knock at my door. It was Emmett of course. He brought along Panama.

And a cell phone. "It's Edward."

Perfect. I took the phone and tried to sound cheery. "Are you okay?"

His voice was raw. "Where are you?"

Emmett shook his head. "Don't tell him," he mouthed.

I wasn't stupid. "I'm not sure where we are. I was asleep when we got here. I can make out water if that helps."

"It doesn't. Em says you're staying with him. Is that true?"

"Of course, I am. Who else would I stay with?"

"I don't know, Bella. Why doesn't Jasper want you smelling like me? Why do you say his name in your sleep?"

Terrific. This certainly explained why he blew up this morning like he did. Not to mention, it was embarrassing. I had stayed over several times in the last week. The whole house probably knew this. There was no doubting they did. With their hearing, it was impossible to miss.

"The entire family shows up in my dreams."

"When you moan out Esme's name, I'll be sure to tell you."

When did I moan out Jasper's name? Damn. That called for a happy dance. It was a damn shame I couldn't remember these dreams.

Ugh. I really needed to stop thinking like that. "Edward, if it makes you feel better, I once had a sex dream about Marilyn Manson. That's way more disturbing than dreaming about your brother."

"He hears you, and it makes him imagine far more than he should."

"That's hardly fair to him. When I moan out your name, are you able to control your thoughts?"

"If that ever happens, I'll let you know. Your midnight whispers belong to him exclusively."

If Edward wasn't so asexual maybe I would dream about him. He made me feel like some sort of sexual deviant for even wanting to touch him.

More demands. I needed to tell him my location. He would come get me. No talking to Jasper. No looking at him. No acknowledging his existence. No dreaming about him.

"Edward, if you don't stop telling me what to do, you'll need to go find yourself a new girl."

I just stood up to him. Go me.

He wasn't so proud. "He took my head off this morning. How can you not see my side of this?"

"You shouldn't have let him bait you into attacking him. It was stupid."

"You're being childish and completely ridiculous."

How? "You know what? I'm done with this conversation."

I ended the call. What the hell was his problem? I wasn't childish. I was furious with him for being such a controlling jerk. He needed a hard smack upside the head to get his ears working. If he would just listen to me, we wouldn't have these problems.

I grumbled loudly as I paced the length of the room. "The nerve of him," I complained. "I'm tired of him telling me what to do. Don't I have a brain?"

"You have a lovely brain," Emmett said with a winning smile.

"Do you think I'm silly or ridiculous?"

"No."

"Good. I bet Rose would punch you if you said that about her, right?"

"Right."

It figured. I should be more like her. Or Jasper. No one ever said shit to him, and when they did, he killed them or took their head off.

"And this Jasper thing is just stupid. He treats me the same as everyone else. Edward needs to shut up and pay attention to the real world."

My good buddy nodded. "Sure."

"I spend – what – an hour a day with Jasper before this week. It's not that big a deal."

"An hour isn't much." Emmett agreed.

"Exactly. It's barely a blip in his day. He doesn't even have days. He has interminable stretches of time. It's pretty sad."

"Uh huh."

"Jasper needs a girl. We should find him one."

The big guy gamely went along with me. "What kind of girl?"

"She can't be pushy. If he doesn't want to talk, she needs to let it go. She also can't be high maintenance. He doesn't have the patience for that. And the whole killing thing better not bother her."

"Anything else?"

Tons. "She has to like the outdoors. A house rat need not apply. And she can't be afraid of saying the odd things in her head. He loves that stuff."

I could have continued, but Emmett interrupted me. "You sure talk about him more than you used to."

"He's my friend."

"Are you sure that's all he is?"

No. "What else would he be? You know I'm crazy about Edward."

Emmett looked over at me with those big brother eyes of his. "You've got me worried, kid. Everything I see out of you lately says you are all about the wrong man."

He was right, and because he was right, I kept quiet.

"Edward knows he's losing you. You can't blame him for trying to hold on. I'd do the same thing."

"Jasper isn't the problem. I am. I thought I knew what I wanted, but I didn't. I'm nineteen. I don't even know who I am. It's too much Emmett. He wants forever, and I'm not even sure I can give him next week."

Something in that mess made him happy. "This we can work with. I thought you were going to say you were in love with Jasper."

Lord no. "How can I love anyone when I can barely string two honest sentences together about myself? Jasper understands that. He's been trying to help me figure everything out."

"You two really are just friends?"

With a dash of obsession thrown in from both sides. "Just friends. He even encouraged me to stay with Edward until I know what I really want. He isn't out to steal me away from his brother."

Emmett clapped me on the back. "I don't believe you. In fact, I'm keeping a bucket of ice handy in case I hear some grinding in the night."

The image had me laughing. "We've never even kissed, you big ape."

He stuck out his little finger out. "Pinky swear."

I entwined my digit with his. "Pinky swear."

"While I have you caught, be honest with me. You like him, don't you?"

I couldn't stop the smile that formed on my lips. Did I like Jasper? More than stolen peaches, chocolate milk, and just about anything else in this world.

"I want to strangle him one minute and hug him the next. My heart feels like someone twisted it into a knot every time I see him. It's your basic infatuation. If I manage to stay away from him, I'll be over it in a week or so."

"Uh huh. Would it help if I told you Jasper is unavailable?"

The world crashed down around my ears. "Who? Alice?"

"She isn't his type. Too short and high maintenance."

My hands gestured wildly. I was ready to hurl something across the room. "If not her, who?"

"I've never met him, and it's not really a relationship per say. More like an arrangement."

_Him?_

"I need more information." The words came out choked.

"Jasper has other obligations and isn't available in the traditional sense. Are you hearing what I'm saying?"

I heard Emmett, but I didn't believe him.

**

* * *

**

Hours later, Jasper's return interrupted an argument between Emmett and me over the history of Panama's damaged ear. I theorized that he lost it saving puppies from a well. Emmett said someone took a razor to the poor dog. I much preferred my idea. Panama was more concerned with stealing towels and dragging them around the room.

Jasper handed Emmett a bag of dog food, which made me feel like the world's worst puppy momma. How could I forget to feed the kid? I officially sucked.

He also had a bag that smelled like French fries. I ran across the room and met him at the door. "Hand them over."

He knew I was food motivated. "Dismiss the bodyguard, and I'll give you whatever you want."

I sniffed the air. "Cheeseburger?"

"With extra pickles."

Emmett put a hand on my shoulder. "Stay strong, Bella. I can get you another hamburger."

Probably, but it wouldn't taste as good as the one Jasper bought for me. "You can go now, Emmett. We're good here."

Dinner was delicious, but even the salty goodness of hot fries wasn't enough to make me stop thinking about my conversation with Emmett. Just looking at Jasper made me giggle like an idiot. Twice I choked on my food.

For the most part, he observed me silently from across the room while I attempted to eat my dinner.

It wasn't until I finished that he spoke. "What is wrong with you?"

The idea of him being with another male. It wasn't even a bad thing. To each their own was my motto. Who hadn't thought about two guys and pondered the mysteries of what went on behind closed doors? I had on multiple occasions.

He hit the arm of his chair. "Pay attention. What is wrong with you tonight?"

"Meat."

"What's funny about meat?"

Because I had the maturity level of a tween, I giggled again.

Jasper balled up a piece of paper and threw it at me. "Stop doing that."

"Stop having your family lie to me about you."

There was a pause. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

I counted off the lies. "You're the family filter. Emmett wants to wrestle with you in the nude. And you have a boyfriend."

He nodded along completely unaffected by what I said. "Anything else?"

"Just one thing. I have a strong suspicion Edward once tried to play connect the parts with you. Am I right?"

He didn't so much as crack a smile. "Edward never propositioned me. The rest has no bearing on what's going on with us."

Yeah, it did. "If you have a boyfriend, I find that highly relevant information."

Jasper leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. "How so?"

I threw the ball of paper back at him. "Don't play stupid. You know why."

"All I know is you seem to want all the Cullen dick for yourself. Naughty girl."

I couldn't argue with that. Only a blind girl wouldn't, and it would take just a touch to change her mind. "Nice one."

"I thought you'd like it."

"Seriously though, answer my question."

"I am not completely free to do as I like. You can interpret that however you want."

It was the typical non-answer he always gave me. I would have pushed for more, but our night took an abrupt turn. Jasper jerked his head to the left just before the door was thrown open.

Emmett. "We have to go home. Edward is missing."

Jasper grabbed his phone. The person he called answered right away. "Alice, where is he?"

When he overheard her answer, Emmett's shoulders collapsed, and he put a hand on the wall as if for support. The fear in my heart ratcheted up by a mile.

Jasper ended the call.

I latched onto his arm. "Tell me what's wrong. Is he dead?"

"We don't know. She can't see him anymore."

* * *

**Author's Note: Sorry about the later update. A migraine is kicking my ass.**

**Edward. Edward. Edward. So many questions. Did he kill himself? Is he using his knowledge of Alice's ability to hide from her visions? Did he kidnap a wolf? There's more, but I'm tired.  
**

**Thanks for taking the time to read. I really appreciate the support people are showing the story.  
**

**Chapter 11 should post next Wednesday or Thursday.  
**

**- Cris  
**


	11. Chapter 11 Clever Girl

**Conversations with My Killer  
**Chapter 11 - Clever Girl

_Emmett. "We have to go home. Edward is missing."_

_Jasper grabbed his phone. The person he called answered right away. "Alice, where is he?"_

_When he overheard her answer, Emmett's shoulders collapsed, and he put a hand on the wall as if for support. The fear in my heart ratcheted up by a mile. _

_Jasper ended the call. _

_I latched onto his arm. "Tell me what's wrong. Is he dead?"_

"_We don't know. She can't see him anymore."_

_

* * *

_

"You don't know what's wrong, or you don't know if he's dead. Because there is a mile of difference between those two things. Dead you can't come back from. Unless you're one of you guys, which he is, but he can die again. Ashes and all that jazz. Wrong doesn't tell me an-"

Jasper slapped a hand over my mouth. "Stop the yammering. He isn't dead."

"How do you know?"

The question was lost because of his hand, and Jasper was perfectly content to leave it on my mouth.

He started in on the questions. "Emmett, tell me what you know. Why missing? Why not hunting?"

"He emptied the safe."

Jasper dropped the hand from my mouth. "The documents?" he questioned.

"Gone."

They needed to slow down. "What are you talking about?"

Emmett answered. "Fake driver's licenses. Passports. Anything we need for our new identities. All the folders were in the safe."

"What else?" Jasper asked.

"Rose said he left his phone and didn't take any of the cars. They tracked him to the ocean. From there, they know nothing."

Jasper stalked the length of the room and back. "Emmett, run to the house. He wouldn't leave without hiding a note for Bella. Find it."

"What about you two?"

"We're staying here until we hear back from you."

No, we were not. "If he's missing, we need to go back."

He ignored me and focused on his brother. "Go. Call me when you know something."

Emmett leaped out the window and went about the business of hauling ass back to Forks.

I came up with my own plan. "I'll drive the jeep home. On the way, I'll stop by my house and see if he left anything there."

Playing the role of the controlling jerk was Jasper. "You aren't going anywhere."

Hide and watch me. "I'm not letting an Edward understudy tell me what to do."

The insult made him fume. It would have turned into a battle if his phone hadn't gone off again.

The conversation made no sense from my angle. "I agree … Take three … I don't care."

Because standing around here was the last thing I wanted to do, I gathered up my things, stole Jasper's keys, and leashed up Panama.

We were about out the door when Jasper stopped me. "Don't go until we have more information. He's up to something, and I don't like it."

He was making this more complicated than it needed to be. "Call Carlisle or Esme. They can look for the note. It's stupid to wait on Emmett."

"I can't trust them like I can him. The family looks out for Edward first. If they find something, they might not let me know what it is. Emmett will."

He had a point. "That doesn't mean we can't leave. He'll get home hours before we will."

"We are staying. I need time to think."

Jasper could stay here and think on his own. "I'm going home, and I know you won't force me to stay against my will. You aren't like Edward."

"Actually, I'm worse."

No, he wasn't, and that was why five minutes later we were on our way to Forks.

**

* * *

**

Panama was not a happy pup. He kept jumping from one side of the jeep to the other. Every few minutes he went crazy barking. I didn't know if it was the trees bugging him or what, but he was out of control.

We were an hour into our trip when I got fed up. "Can't you calm him down? What good is your ability if you don't use it when we need it?"

"He's picking up my anxiety. We should have stayed at the hotel."

"And do what? Play charades. I suck at that game, and it wouldn't help Edward at all."

Jasper pulled over to the side of the road and got out of the car. "Pan, unload."

The dog barreled through the seats and joined his master outside. They disappeared into the night without so much as a wave. A wagging tail didn't count.

Being alone with my thoughts made for bad company. Ten minutes of it had me wanting to stab myself in the neck. I was all about Edward. What was he doing? Where did he go? Why did he empty the safe? How come Alice couldn't see him?

Thinking about him did no good. I needed to talk to him to understand what was going on with him. I also needed Jasper to hurry and get back from walking Panama.

I said to hell with waiting and went looking for them. There was a method to my madness. Jasper wouldn't let me wander too far. He knew I'd end up hitting a tree or falling on my face. Blood would be spilled and ugliness would ensue. La la la.

Sure enough, a voice came out of the dark. "Stop before you fall."

"Stop taking forever."

Panama came up and nudged my hand with his cold nose. I squatted down next to him and rubbed his sides. "Sweet boy. Are you happy now?"

"I don't know about happy, but he sure is smart. He started pulling on the leash as soon as you left the jeep. I let him go, and he found you right away."

That wasn't smart. He was a dog and could smell me. "I wish I was a dog sometimes. I could put my nose to the ground and follow any scent."

Jasper didn't comment, which was fine. I preferred the company of the furry beast. Panama licked at my hand. He was always begging for attention. Or it could be he was thirsty.

"We need to give him some water. We brought that cup with us, and I have a bottle of water."

More silence.

"Are you ignoring me again?"

Nothing.

"A grunt would do."

No grunt, but there was a gasp. It was me when Jasper picked me up and started running. He threw the jeep open and tossed me inside. Panama got the rough treatment, too. He landed on me and let out a loud yelp.

Checking on the dog took precedence over yelling at Jasper. I hit the overhead light and inspected him for injuries. I barely had a chance to look him over before we were thrown against the door when Jasper jerked the vehicle around taking us back in the direction we came from.

"Are you insane?" I screamed. "What the hell are you doing?"

Jasper didn't respond. He was too busy calling someone. "Clear out of the house. You've got an hour, maybe less . . . I agree . . . I will."

The urgency of his words and the panic he felt upset me more than anything I heard him say. Jasper could handle anything. He never got flustered or showed an ounce of fear. After that call, he was dripping with it.

Another call. "Where are you . . . Stop and backtrack. I need to know if anyone has crossed your trail. Call me when you know."

It had to be Emmett. The pieces fell in place. Edward could follow his trail back to the hotel. The other part was a little less clear. Who had he warned? Alice? Or someone else?

With him off the phone, I thought it would be okay to ask. "Was Alice the one you called first?"

"Yes."

"When you left the hotel earlier, you were visiting her."

"Other people have lives, Bella. I told you I had plans before we even left the house. Like usual, you made the whole day all about you."

I cringed at the truthful statement. I did make everything about me. Jasper was one of the few that pointed it out to me.

Rather than fall back into the old habit, I put all my attention on Jasper. Emmett wasn't supposed to know that he was in contact with Alice. "How did you mask her smell?"

"Look at my clothes. They're different. I took a shower and changed at another hotel."

Against my own volition a song about secret agents played in my head. It matched his life. He needed to take some lessons from James Bond because there was another problem.

"You screwed up tonight."

Jasper was not amused. "I can knock you unconscious."

He misunderstood. "I'm not rubbing it in. I'm talking about Alice. You called her immediately after hearing about Edward. No one is supposed to have her number. When Emmett puts it together, he'll know you've been talking to her this whole time."

He beat his palms against the wheel. "Fuck."

"And you'll break the car if you're not careful."

Emmett called back. What he told Jasper made the night more complicated. "Go home . . . I know, but it won't come to that."

My first question when he got off the phone pertained to the last remark. "It won't come to what?"

"Nothing you need to worry about."

"Thanks, Edward Jr. Go ahead and make choices for me. It worked wonders for the other one. "

No comment from him. Perfect. I let my mind roll through what I knew. Arguing with him would only distract us both. What did I know? Edward was tracking Emmett's trail. It would lead him straight to the hotel and then to wherever Jasper met Alice. Since she left, there was no reason for us not to go home. Why would he turn around? There had to be something he wasn't telling me.

"What else is going on? I know you're keeping something from me."

"He's with the wolves. It's why Alice can't see him. Something about them blocks her from having visions of them."

They never told me this. "Why didn't the family let me know?"

"Edward didn't want you exploiting the situation."

Of course he wouldn't. It was one more example of how he controlled my world. "You could have told me."

"It wasn't like you objected to the other ways he meddled in your life. Why should I interfere?"

I was about ready to slap him. Again, I calmed my temper and let my brain work. The wolves made the situation much worse. Depending on what story Edward told them, they would attack Jasper on sight. They were probably split into two groups with one following Emmett's trail and another following the highway in case they came across us driving home.

This wouldn't work. We needed a new plan. How much time did we have? Where could we go? I did some calculations in my head. The answer was easy.

"We should turn the jeep around. They won't know we did it, and if we go east at Aberdeen, our options multiply when we get to Olympia."

Jasper slowed the vehicle down to a crawl. "Edward isn't stupid. He'll know the tire marks might be a ruse. The groups would have to split up even more. One following Emmett's trail, one following the highway south, and another backtracking north to find us."

I grinned. "It will improve our odds all the more."

He turned us around, and we were now headed for Aberdeen. My plan was going to save him from a fight or worse. I practically swelled with pride. I was the one being smart tonight. It made me want to stick out my tongue at him and gloat. Childish, yes. But I still wanted to do it.

I settled for petting Panama. "See, little man, I'm not an idiot like they think I am."

Jasper had to comment. "Don't preen too much. If you weren't such a distraction, I would have thought of this earlier."

It was just like him to try to knock me down a few pegs. "Don't use me as an excuse. You've been messing up all night."

"You didn't give me time to think."

"You're a vampire. You're not supposed to need that much time. I'm starting to wonder how you survived this long."

"I didn't have you yapping at me for one thing."

Hardly. "You love my yapping, or you wouldn't come around all the time."

"I love it like a dog loves cats."

"More like a rat loves cheese."

He was getting exasperated with me. "Can you try to be serious?"

"Why? The wolves won't find us. Edward won't find Alice. We're good."

"We'd be better if you and that stupid dog would shut up. I should have killed him the first day we got him."

Grumpy much? Pan wasn't even barking now. "You just lost your Panama privileges. No more puppy for you."

I was joking, and he took me seriously. "You can't take my dog away, Bella. I swear I'm good with him. No killing. No teeth. I feed him and walk him. You know that."

Damn. He loved the dog. Really loved him. It was so sweet. I tried to reassure him. "He's our dog, and I know you wouldn't kill him or me for that matter."

"Well, ourdog is too much trouble. It's difficult caring for something other than myself. I want good things for him. Running in fields and barking at cats. I'm not sure why that is."

"Don't make it out like you've never cared for others. I know you and Alice are close. You also care for the rest of the family."

Jasper took a minute to comment. "It's different with him. I can trust my feelings and know they are real. With people, I'm never sure. "

This had to be the reason he put up roadblocks with everyone. He let them get only so close before stepping back. There was too much doubt. I finally felt like I understood him a little.

I also could see why he let Emmett tag along today. For all he hated the confusion in his head, Jasper also liked using it as an excuse. By letting Emmett accompany us, he could blame any feelings of friendship on the camaraderie we both had with his brother. What would happen now that he didn't have that excuse to fall back on?

**

* * *

**

The last hour in the car was quiet. I was worn out from what had been a very full day. I couldn't remember half of what happened. There was a fight, running, and a really good cheeseburger with extra pickles. Edward was missing. Wolves. More running.

"What are we going to do about the wolves? We have to go back home eventually."

Jasper pulled the car into a Wal-Mart parking lot and shut off the engine. "You're going to call Jacob's dad and let him know you're fine. The news will trickle down to the wolves when they call home. They'll confirm it with Charlie who knows you're with me. That or they'll talk to Emmett. He'll tell them you left on your own accord."

"So what do you think Edward told them?"

"No clue and I don't care. Could you hand me the bag?"

I leaned over the backseat. The stupid bag weighed a ton. "What do you keep in here?"

"Stuff I steal."

Sure he did. I lifted the bag over to him.

He opened a side pocket and pulled out a stack of twenty dollar bills. "Go buy some clothes. I hate this place, but nothing else is open."

I hadn't thought about clothes. "Thanks."

"And don't buy that shampoo you use. It's crap. If you want, you can use mine."

I ignored the comment on my shampoo. It was crap. "How long are we going to be gone?"

"Two days at most."

Shopping took all of twenty minutes, and we were back on the road. I hadn't a clue where we were going.

"Care to fill me in on your plan?" I asked.

"There's a house I use when I'm away from the family. You won't like it, but it's better than a hotel."

The house turned out to be a dump in the middle of nowhere. I found it amazing the old place had electricity and running water. There were broken windows covered in plywood. The hardwood floors had deep gouges in them from someone dragging something through the house. If there weren't holes in the roof, it would be a miracle.

At some point in its history, it had been a beautiful home. Someone had let it fall into shameful disrepair. There were even marks all over the walls. They were lined up in neat rows and numbered in the thousands. Whoever did it had way too much time on their hands.

The one good thing was it didn't smell funny. "This is different. Do you own it?"

Jasper dropped his bag on the floor. "I just use it."

"For what?"

He came up behind me and wrapped an arm around my chest. "Look around and tell me what you see."

I let my imagination take over for me. I avoided the lines and focused on the large brick fireplace. I saw a Norman Rockwell scene with a dog like Panama by the fire and a family telling stories of their day.

"I hear the crackle of the fire and see its red glow reflecting through the room. I smell pine trees and cinnamon. It's a shame it's all in my head."

Jasper chuckled. "You always romanticize everything. It's sweet."

I bent my head to the side and looked up at him. "What do you see?"

"You smell the pine. I smell you. You hear the fire. I hear your heart beating. You see the glow. I see the blush on your cheeks and the pulse in your neck."

"I hate that it's always blood with you. I'm just another body for you to drain."

"Not always. Right now, you're Bella."

That was quite the confession for him. It made me smile. "What would you be thinking if I wasn't here?"

He tensed up. "Blood on the walls. Silent screams in the air. The marks on these walls are a crude documentation of every life I've taken. I come here to remember them."

It was morbid. Dead lines for dead people. "That's strange to me. I don't understand."

"I may kill, but I still value life. Probably more than you."

"That's not nice of you to say."

Jasper let go of me and walked over to one of the walls. He traced a line that was slightly longer than the other. "You decided to throw your life away in exchange for eternity with a boy you only thought you loved."

"And how many of these people threw their life away because they went on a camping trip or decided to walk home from work?"

"They had no choice."

"But you did, and you killed them anyway. How can you do that to their families? You kill one person, but you destroy countless others. I don't see you honoring those victims."

He used an index finger to carve another mark. My breath caught. He killed someone. When?

"Who was that one for? Jessica?"

Jasper brushed at the line knocking away any remaining dust. "I answered your questions regarding her."

I remembered that conversation very clearly. "You said you_ haven't _killed her."

Shrewd eyes stared back at me. "You're really on the ball tonight. Bravo, clever girl."

"Angry girl. Tell me what you did."

"I will neither confirm nor deny my involvement in her disappearance."

"Why not?"

"Because the identity of one victim shouldn't determine your opinion of me. Look at the walls around you. I've killed thousands. Your association with Jessica does not elevate her importance, and I refuse to pretend otherwise."

He scratched another line and another again. "One person or one animal. One line. None more important than the next."

This wasn't a way to honor dead people. It was like notches on a headboard. Jasper was proud of his number and adding even more lines to show it.

I held onto his arm. "Stop doing that."

Jasper used his free hand to make one last long mark on the wall. "Tell me something, Bella. How were you planning on honoring Charlie and Renee after you faked your death?"

"Don't you think I'd change my mind if I could?"

That wasn't even the right thing to say. "I shouldn't have said that. I don't know what I want, but I know I can't hurt them like that."

Hurting them was inevitable. I would die. My loss would destroy them. They would mourn a daughter who didn't deserve their love and who lived on as a monster. Evil. Me. Selfish. Always. This was my fault. I should have run from Forks the first day I met Edward Cullen. He lured me in with his candy scent and crushed my spirit with his domineering nature.

I ran my fingers through my hair wishing I could pull it all out. "None of it even matters. I have to die. I have no choice."

Jasper pulled my hands down and held them within his own. "Why do you believe that?"

"What am I supposed to do? Leave Edward. How? He won't let me."

There was no comment from he who thought he knew everything. It figured. "He follows me everywhere. He breaks into my house and watches me sleep. If I told him I didn't want to be with him, he would find some way of forcing me to stay."

Edward couldn't live without me. I couldn't live without him. Neither was true, but both were what he told me.

I wanted today to be over. If it was over, I could start anew tomorrow. My keeper wasn't here. I could walk from room to room and house to house never worrying that he was on my heels.

"Where am I sleeping?"

"Up the stairs. Last door on the right."

Jasper didn't let my hands go. I tried pulling them away, but he held them tight. "Let go."

"Your situation is not as serious as you make it. Life will go on whether you are there to witness it or not. Your parents will move on. You will move on. We all do."

Was I being over-dramatic? Who was I kidding? Did a chicken have feathers? "I need to go to bed, don't I?"

"Yes. Go take a shower, relax, and try to sleep. You'll feel better in the morning."

A deep breath. "I can do that."

My room was in better shape than I expected, but I found the bed highly suspect.

Jasper set his bag down. "There's shampoo and soap in the bag. I'll be next door if you need me."

"Wait. Tell me about this bed. Creepy crawlies? Bedbugs? Questionable stains?"

"The bed is fine."

Good to know. "What about the shower? Dead people? Brown water?"

"The water is clean, and the dead people are in the basement."

I let the last part slide. He had to be joking, right? With everything I knew about him, it could go either way.

Jasper left the room, and I went about getting ready for a much needed shower. I swiped his soap and shampoo before gathering up my clothes. After a strict order for Pan to be good, I went off to the bathroom.

Ten minutes later, I came back to find shredded pages of a book covering the bed. Could dogs look smug? Because my little bastard did. He dropped the remains of a paperback, jumped off the bed, and ran out of the room with pages sticking to two of his paws.

I picked up the soggy item and chased after him. "Dammit, Pan. You get back here. Right now."

I found him in Jasper's room hiding behind his daddy, who was less than impressed with my angry face. "Stop scaring the pup."

"He ate your book."

Jasper rubbed the culprit's head. "It's not the first time and won't be the last."

Books were sacred to me. Chewing them up was criminal.

I threw the soggy remains at Jasper and stomped off. "You keep him tonight."

I rounded up all the torn pages and dumped them in the trash. Stupid dog. Why was it always books? Why couldn't he eat shoes or grasshoppers?

Or jewelry? There was a necklace hanging on the side of the bag. I held it up to the light. It was mine. I rifled through the bag and found other items belonging to me. Pictures. Drawings from when I was a kid. Pieces of jewelry. A couple more books.

Jasper came up behind me. "Don't freak out."

"What the hell is this?"

He thumbed through the pages of one of the books and tossed it back in the bag. "A book. I like Curious George."

I could have flipped out and asked him a million questions, but I wasn't even that angry. Kleptomania didn't shock me in the least when put against all the other things wrong with Jasper. Weighing it against murder made it seem perfectly harmless. He hadn't even bothered to hide it.

I sat down on the bed and rubbed circles into my temples. "Leave my room, and shut the door."

"You said I could borrow whatever I wanted. If you have a problem with it, next time be more careful with your words."

"Jasper, I'm serious. Leave. I don't want to look at you or think about you."

He sat down next to me. "Don't be mad. You'll get all of it back. I'm only borrowing a few things. I'm not some stalker like Edward."

I never thought he was. "I don't care what you are."

"You don't mean that."

No, but it was getting close. "Is it too much to ask for a normal day with you people? Do you remember when we had those? We watched movies. You stood in the corner and pretended to be furniture but even that was normal. We had picnics, baseball games, and life was easy."

"It was never normal or easy. You just didn't see what was going on around you."

"Well, I do now, and I don't like it."

Jasper sat on the foot of the bed and pulled me closer to him. "Let's talk."

I rested my head against his shoulder. "We never talk. You spit out crap, and I eat it up like an idiot."

"Not tonight. Ask a question. I promise I'll answer it."

"Really?"

"Yes."

I went with the one I thought would tell me the most. "I want to know what you meant when you said the family wanted to use me to become more powerful."

A long minute of silence followed my question. "Has Edward told you of the Volturi?"

"He told me they police your world. There are three of them who make all the decisions."

"Aro. Caius. And Marcus. They are all far older than me. We're talking thousands of years."

And they wore ugly clothes and looked chalky. I knew this story. "You are not answering my question."

Jasper lost patience with me and stood up to leave. "I give you answers, and you complain. Stay in the dark for all I care."

I took hold of his hand. "Don't go. I'm sorry. Tell me more. Have they been in charge this whole time?"

He sat back down and continued. "No. What they did was assemble a core group around them who were all incredibly powerful on their own. Aro is a collector of sorts. He rewards the most skilled of our kind and gains their loyalty."

Even with a supporting crew of vampires, it still seemed like an impossible task. "I don't see how they can keep control. The human population has boomed. The vampire numbers must have as well."

Jasper brought us back to the main point. "Don't waste time on the details. Focus on the big picture. Their power is unmatched because of the ability of one vampire. His name is Alec, and he can take down an army of any size."

"How is that possible?"

"His mind creates a fog that renders the opposition defenseless. He cuts us off at our knees before the fighting even begins."

That was scary. "With his ability, they could come in and destroy anyone and everyone. It doesn't matter how good of a fighter you are. He could even kill you."

"Exactly. Now imagine someone being capable of blocking that ability."

"The balance of power could shift to that person."

"And the coven_ she_ is loyal to." Jasper paused. "Assuming they are strong enough to protect her and take on the Volturi."

The pieces were easy to connect. "The family thinks I have the potential to block Alec."

"Yes, and if Aro learns of your existence, he will have you killed or kidnapped."

This changed up everything I thought I knew. No wonder Edward was so protective. It wasn't about him fearing small accidents or simple falls. He was worried they would discover my existence.

"What do the Volturi have to do with the Cullens?"

Jasper's words seemed to come out with more care. "For such a small coven, the Cullens are very powerful. They have an alliance with the Denali clan in Alaska, one of whom is a former member of Aro's guard. Add in our abilities and the family's alternative lifestyle. Tell me what you get."

"Aro considers them a threat."

"This is why you are seen as a valued addition. If you can shield the family from Alec, the family has a better chance of protecting themselves."

"Where do you fall in all this? Do you agree with them?" I asked.

"About you, yes. I haven't decided how I feel about the Volturi. Their power is what broke apart the armies in the south. I believe we are better with them than without them, but I do not agree with the ways in which they wield their influence."

Jasper wasn't finished. "My opinions are not important. You are. If you live up to your potential, there are people who will use you for their own gain. It is imperative you learn to stand on your own because there is no one you will be able to trust."

That included him. "What do you want out of this?"

"To survive. If there is a war, I don't care which side wins. I only care that I live through it. Being close to you gives me a better chance."

At least, he was honest. "I never know what to think of you. You flat out say you're using me, and still I find your way of thinking better than all the rest. It shouldn't work that way."

"You need to decide what works for you, Bella. We all live in our own world. Few control it, but you can be one of them. The alternative is acting as a puppet for others with half the ability you possess."

This was way too much information. It felt like we were talking about someone else rather than me. I didn't like it. That girl was not me, and I didn't want to be her.

"Is this where I'm supposed to sing about having the weight of the world on my shoulders?" I joked.

"Take this seriously."

Why should I? "It doesn't mean anything to me unless it becomes fact. Actually, that's not true. You just gave me my ticket out of vamp world. I can leave if I want."

I surprised him. "What?"

"I already told you I thought there was no chance Edward would ever let me go. It's why I let him boss me around so much. Everything you said tells me he can't force me to do anything."

I was free for the first time in months and damn did it feel good. "He needs me on his side. I'm no good to him or the family unless I'm an ally."

Jasper took a minute to catch up to me. He shook his head and smiled at me. "You're glowing."

"I'm very happy. All this time I was scared of Edward, but he should be scared of me. It's why the family didn't tell me anything. Knowledge is power."

"They aren't as bad as you make them out to be. They care a great deal for you, Edward included. I still refuse to call it love, but he does have strong feelings for you."

It didn't matter. He withheld the truth from me. "He should have told me this from the beginning. I would have understood."

"Or been scared away. Would you have believed his feelings were sincere if he told you why the family wanted you?"

I wasn't sure how I would have reacted. I certainly would have been more suspicious of everyone, paranoid even, which brought me to another question.

"Why are you telling me all this now?"

"I'm not sure. It's in my best interests if you stay with the family. I hope you will."

"I won't stay for Edward."

An unspoken sentence filled the room. I would stay for Jasper. There was nothing smart or right about it, but I couldn't help it. He was even part of the reason I stayed with Edward. Leaving the family meant leaving Jasper, and I couldn't do that.

This more than anything told me that staying human was no longer a real option. I needed to be with him. We didn't even have to be a couple. Friends. Acquaintances. Co-Panama parents. I didn't care. I needed him.

My feelings had to be pounding at him. I cared about him. He would know that now. It wasn't even embarrassing. I wanted him to know.

Jasper gave me a lopsided grin. "It's not real, Bella. It's me."

No. It was real and not at all him.

With Jasper here, the night was fire bright and the cloud-swept moon a feature in a broken sky. This was no dazzling effect that muted my mind. Jasper short-circuited my senses making them work in unexpected ways. I could see the sound of summer winds and taste the smell of a coming rain. Everything was backwards and so very right.

Where Edward made my life feel like a dream, Jasper shook me awake. The result was an awareness of my surroundings that I never had before. It started with my mind opening, which caused my senses to follow.

At one time, my ideal day was to lock myself away with Edward and shut out everyone and everything. Now, I wanted to go places and see them with clear eyes and an open heart. Edward could show me how to dream, but Jasper could show me how to live.

I crawled onto his lap and smiled at him.

He was instantly suspicious. "What?"

I may have been happy before, but I was downright giddy now. "You look nervous. Vampires don't vomit, do they?"

"I might. Your emotions are cycling rapidly. It's hurting my head."

I lifted up slightly and kissed him on the forehead. "You poor soul. What can I do to help you?"

"Stop squirming around, and go to bed."

"With you?"

He stumbled over his next words. "Without me. I'm not sleeping with you ever. Like never fucking ever."

"But you do want to kiss me."

"Stop playing the tease. It isn't funny."

No more teasing. This was as serious as I got. "Jasper, I won't stay for Edward, but I will stay for you."

* * *

**Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Bella got smarter. Jasper provided some answers. The family is aware of his contact with Alice. Bella knows what they want from her. Phew. I'm starting to think I gave out too much info. Ah hell, I'm too tired to change it. **

**A few people were asking me about a Twitter account. Check my profile for the link. My account is protected, but I'll add anyone I don't think is my crazy stalker from 1996. Hi Greg. I can't promise a lot of chatty stuff, but I will be around from time to time.  
**

**Thanks for playing along again this week. I hope you all received your review replies, and I guess I will see you back next Wednesday or Thursday.**

**- Cris**


	12. Chapter 12 Hobbled by His Heart

**Conversations with My Killer**  
Chapter 12 - Hobbled by His Heart

"_Stop squirming around, and go to bed." _

"_With you?"_

_He stumbled over his next words. "Without me. I'm not sleeping with you ever. Like never fucking ever."_

"_But you do want to kiss me."_

"_Stop playing the tease. It isn't funny."_

_No more teasing. This was as serious as I got. "Jasper, I won't stay for Edward, but I will stay for you."_

* * *

Jasper pushed me off his lap and onto the floor. I landed with a hard thump.

"You will not stay for me. I don't want you."

There were gentler ways of rejecting me. Shit. I rubbed my tail end. "Could you be easy on my butt? I'm breakable."

"You're fine. Now get up and get out."

"This is my room. You get out."

He moved to leave. I grabbed his foot. As proof of just how flustered he was, Jasper fell down. Seeing him hit the floor had me rolling. It served him right.

"You sure lose your footing a lot around me. I think I'm your kryptonite, Superman."

My capeless hero rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. It was cracked and not that fun to look at. I, on the other hand, was very fun to look at. Not bragging or nothing, but damn, I was young, firm, and fun.

I crawled over to him and touched an index finger to the tip of his nose. "I knew you'd fall for me, Jasper."

"Shut up before I bite you."

Hot and cold. Off and on. Heads and tails. He flipped between his emotions like an amateur grilled meat. Flip. Flip. Poke. Flip.

"There is nothing between us. Accept it."

Actually, there were three inches of physical space and a mile of his internal angst. Neither was insurmountable. "I accept that you don't want to care about anyone. I also know it'll take you some time to adjust, but if you could hurry up and move beyond that stage, I'd really appreciate it."

The statue returned. "Stop thinking like an overemotional child. Any feelings we share are amplified by the events of the day."

Not so much. "To be honest, I like you less today than I did last week. You should really work on that before the affection is gone and the disinterest sets in."

Jasper was dead set on flipping and poking his meat. "I will not allow either of us to misinterpret our feelings for one another. It would be irresponsible to do otherwise."

"And I'm food, right?"

"Yes. By virtue of my nature, you are nothing more to me than a snack."

Basically, he got spooked, which caused him to speak like a mechanical based coward. "I'm changing your name to Radio Shack. They should sell you on a shelf."

He sat up and proceeded to cut me with his eyes. "I'm changing your name to Titanic. You throw yourself at men like we're the last lifeboat on a sinking ship."

_Introducing Radio Shack and Titanic. He'll eat you. She'll watch. Afterwards, they'll entertain each other with mud prophesying and stray dogs._

There were times when the strangeness of our relationship caught up to me. This was one of them. I needed a normal man. Someone without sharp teeth and throat issues.

"I should have fallen for Mike Newton. He's a good enough guy. Smart. Funny. He isn't dead. He's the type that would try really hard to please a girl."

"And never get it right," Jasper snapped.

"Hey now. Don't discount effort. It can take you far."

"In his case, not far enough."

I kicked at him. "What do you care? You just rejected me."

He held up the index finger of truth. "Corrected. Not rejected."

What did that even mean? "Talk in squares. Your circles make me dizzy."

"You're dizzy. I'm doopy. We're a shit pairing."

"You are so negative. Can't you see the good in anything?"

Jasper might not have told me to piss off, but his expression sure did. "You aren't going to give up, are you?"

"Phsst. I got better ways of spending my time than mooning over you. I may want to be with you, but it's not critical to my survival."

"You're over it that fast? I knew you were a flake."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Am I supposed to beg you to love me? Because that's not gonna happen ever. Like never fucking ever."

Tossing his words back at him made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Sort of bee like. Buzz.

There was plenty of time to change his mind about us later. Tonight, I was tired of the back and forth. "Thank you for telling me the truth about the family. I know you didn't have to, but I appreciate it. Now I'd really like to go to bed."

Jasper's mood switched up again. He smiled and reached for a lock of my hair. He twisted around a finger. "It's about time. You won't miss anything. I swear."

Wrong again. I'd miss him.

**

* * *

**

The new information Jasper gifted me with last night left me with almost as many questions as it did answers. I put a few loose connections together and came up with some new theories about what was going on with him. Since he was so forthcoming last night, I hoped he might feel inclined to answer a few more questions today.

I had just finished my Jasper provided breakfast when I spoke up. "Do you work for the Volturi?"

He lowered the newspaper he was reading. "Where did you come up with that idea?"

"I think it's the reason the Cullens fear you. Plus, it explains something Edward told me one time. He said the rules don't always apply to you when it comes to killing vampires."

"Edward is a moron. The rules apply to all of us. The trick is not getting caught by a Volturi scout."

"They have scouts?"

"How else do you think they stay in power? Three vampires can't control the world on their own. They divide the continents into regions and depend on a network of trusted members to maintain order."

Jasper still hadn't said if he worked for them. "You're part of the network, right?"

"I haven't even met Aro, Caius, or Marcus, and I will never report to them. If I did, you'd be sitting pretty in a cage in Italy."

There went that theory. "Do they know about you? You said Aro collects people like you."

I could tell he was less than happy with the topic, but he didn't sidestep it. He met it head on.

"Aro would love to get his hands on me, but I've managed to elude him so far. I think he's figured out that my skill set makes me too much of a risk. If you ask me, it's all for the best. I wouldn't last a day in his collection of sycophants."

On to theory two. "Are you hiding out from them? You said you've eluded Aro's clutches. Do the Cullens provide you sanctuary?"

Jasper went back to reading his newspaper. "Having curiosity doesn't entitle you to answers, Bella. My life. My business."

Boo. I threw a piece of cereal at him. "Come on. Tell me something. What about the boyfriend Emmett claims you have? What's his name?"

He let out a heavy sigh as he turned the page. "Don T. Exits."

That was a terrible name. "Who adds in their middle initial? It's a little too George W. for me."

He laughed. "You are one in a million, sunshine."

"Thank you."

Jasper set the paper down, and I took my turn reading it. There was a huge fire in Astoria after we left yesterday. Two houses burned down and another sustained heavy smoke damage.

"Fires are so sad. People lose everything."

"Fire is a gift from the gods. Without it, you'd be someone's cave keeper instead of the lovely flibbertigibbet that you are. Oh wait, you're both."

He knew better than to say stuff like that. "Fancying up the word silly doesn't make it any better. I still find it offensive."

"And yet, cave keeper goes unnoticed. Interesting."

Why shouldn't it? "I like a clean house. It's not a crime."

"In six months, you'll be draining our deer into buckets since you can't cook us meals. Esme will love having someone else to play housekeeper with her."

Esme was a natural caretaker. She did it because she enjoyed it.

And just what the hell was his problem today? "Was the coffin a tight fit last night? Or did you get up on the wrong side of the moat?"

"As usual, you turn to silly quips. Try something new for a change."

"I guess I'll settle for telling you how _ridiculous _and predictable it is for you to push me away with insults. Jasper Whitlock, he sure is typical today. How disappointing."

More predictable behavior. Jasper left.

**

* * *

**

Panama and I had the whole day to ourselves. It was good to have some quiet. I hadn't spent this much time alone since – I couldn't remember when. I doubt I had been truly alone since I came to Washington. It wouldn't surprise me if the Cullens had me under constant surveillance for the last year and a half. When I wasn't physically within sight of them, I was still floating in and out of Alice's visions.

What did it say that the one I trusted the most was the biggest killer in the bunch? Probably nothing good. The evidence of Jasper's kills was displayed prominently on the walls as tally marks. Each had a story and only he knew what it was.

– … _the dead people are in the basement._

I had to know if he was serious. I opened doors until I found the right one. My reckless puppy pushed by me and ran down the stairs. It wasn't that I was nosy. I was fetching my dog. And sniffing the air for dead people. My nose provided little help. I only smelled basement.

It wasn't a house of horrors. It was nothing. Boxes and furniture. A chair that resembled one I had in my room. A couple gallons of paint. Some rolled up rugs.

"What are you doing down here?"

Jasper. He scared me. "I was curious about the bodies."

"No dead people. Just boxes."

I saw my reflection in a mirror leaned up against the south wall. There was something familiar about it. The mirror, not my face.

I pointed it out to Jasper. "Where did you get that?"

"This isn't my house, remember?" He stirred me back around to the stairs. "We need to talk."

Goody. "Have you figured out we make a great pair?"

"Are you daft? We clash. No one wants to watch a Tarantino movie starring Snow White."

I begged to differ. I would pay good money to see what that sick bastard would do with the seven dwarfs. His cinematic brilliance brought me Mr. Blonde. I was forever grateful.

"Bella, there is no us. You are still under the influence of emotions I am unable to control. Allowing them to dictate our choices is foolish."

The statement sounded like VCR instructions being read out of an old manual. Any minute now he'd tell me which button to push to get my clock working. Slide a finger over this one nice and easy. Gentle pressure will get the ball rolling. Repeat until you reach the proper hour. Beware of minutes. Repetitive rubbing could lead to stuttering and muscle tightening. Use additional fingers to set the alarm.

Hmm. Clocks could be fun. _Oh, Mr. Whitlock. Come play with me. _

He would never. And really, why couldn't I go play with him? I could. I should. I would.

No, I would not. Did I have no shame? He was right. I did throw myself at him. It was embarrassing how desperate I sounded even to my own ears.

_Please love me. Please. Pretty please. I'll be a good girl. _

Yuck.

I would never get anywhere hugging his heels. I needed to gain some independence back. Jasper could take a lifetime to come around to my way of thinking. I wasn't going to waste that time waiting on him.

"What did you want to talk about?"

"Edward."

Did we have to? "What about him?"

"Has he ever mentioned anything to you about Borneo?"

"The island?"

"Yes, the island. What else is there? More specifically, did he ever say anything about Miri?"

Jasper could have been speaking Greek for all I knew. "I have no idea what you're talking about. What is a Miri?"

"It's the name of a city. Edward hasn't turned back to go home. He's in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. We know where he's going, but we don't know why."

"I can't help you. He's never mentioned going there."

Was it tacky that a small part of me wanted to high five Edward? "You've had secrets from him for a long time. I think he's entitled to a few of his own."

Jasper wasn't so pleased with my opinion. "You need to pick a side, Bella."

Last night, I offered to be on his side, and he didn't want me. "I'm picking my side. Deal with it."

**

* * *

**

We returned to Forks and went our separate ways. With Edward on the other side of the world, I had no concerns for the time being. I was actually pretty damn good for a change.

Helping my new found happiness along was a chat I had with the Cullens. I confronted them about their motives. They sat down with me and explained their side of the story. I came away without even a shred of anger or disappointment in them. Their crime was serious, but their motives were something I could understand. They wanted to protect their family. If I were in their shoes, I would do the same.

They understood when I told them I needed to take a step back from the family and figure out my own future. They hoped it would be with them, but they would support me if it wasn't.

New information came out of my meeting with them that Jasper had failed to tell me. They were not the first ones to point out my potential. He was, and it occurred months after I was already with Edward. Rather than believe one side over the other, I figured the truth was somewhere in the middle. It usually was.

It took three days for Jasper to come around again. I had given myself strict rules to avoid him. The time must have gotten to him because he sought me out. He even showed up at the front door like a normal person.

"Selling Girl Scout cookies?" I teased.

"No, but we can braid each other's hair and gossip about boys if you want."

Tempting but no. "I'm in the middle of something. Sorry."

Jasper stepped up and volunteered to help. "I know you're cleaning the house. Let me help."

"Cave keeping is for us barefoot and pregnant types. You should run along and go gather up some meat for the fire."

To say I was still pissed at him was putting it mildly. He could take his happy self down the road and charm the neighbors for all I cared.

I attempted to close the door. He stuck his foot in the way. "I'm sorry. Genuinely sorry. There's nothing wrong with being a caretaker. Esme is actually one of the few people I respect. If you model yourself after her, you'll get no complaints from me."

I wasn't modeling myself after anyone. I cleaned and cooked because my dad worked fourteen hour days. I was an unemployed student. Why shouldn't I do my part to contribute? Plus, it wasn't like he didn't help. He did his own work around the house. I wasn't responsible for his laundry or any of the outdoor chores. We worked together to keep the house in good shape.

"Bella, I miss you and Panama. Let me spend the day with you. I'll be good. I swear."

I missed him, too, but our poor dog was suffering the most. He stuck his nose through the crack in the door and nudged Jasper's leg. The little whine he let out was heartbreaking.

I gave in. "Fine, but I'll kick you out the second you start acting like a jerk."

After a ten minute session of Panama playtime, Jasper jumped right in and helped with my chores. This would have been great if he had a clue how to actually do anything. I had to show him how to use the vacuum cleaner. Dusting led to a broken beer stein and a hole in the wall after he became frustrated. The best – or worst – part was the kitchen.

I was finishing up the downstairs bathroom when he hollered out my name for the fifth time. I found him sitting on the floor playing with foam that was pouring out of the bottom of the dishwasher.

He patted a mound of it onto Panama's head. "You look like a foamy angel dog."

I wasn't so happy. "What did you do?"

"I broke it," he stated evenly.

"Don't just sit there. Get some towels."

Jasper moved like a snail. He was bored and very disgruntled. He was also going to be buying new cabinets if he didn't get a move on it.

My patience wore out. "Now."

While he worked, I googled a solution. Fabric softener was the easiest fix, not that it made any sense to me. I did as instructed. After the kitchen was clean, I was free to interrogate the offender.

"What soap did you use?"

"The bottle next to the sink. It says it's for dishwashing, but I beg to differ."

"That's for dishes you wash in the sink. You have to use a different soap in the machine."

"Ridiculous," he complained. "There should be one universal soap. How can anyone keep up with all this?"

"They ask questions if they don't know something."

Jasper pouted like a child who had been denied candy. "I can speak fourteen languages and juggle six items at once. Why is cleaning so hard?"

Because Esme did all the work at his house. Wait a minute. That didn't make any sense either.

"How can you not know these things? You watch television, and I know you've seen Esme clean. Not to mention, it would have made more sense for you to wash the dishes by hand. You would have been done much quicker."

A sneaky smile revealed the truth. He was messing with me. It was probably his way of breaking the ice that had built up between us. When he saw that I had caught on to his little scheme, he threw a wet towel at me and ran off.

I went chasing him through the house. "Jasper Whitlock, you get back here right now."

I could hear him laughing but couldn't see him. One second it sounded like he was in the study. The next I heard him upstairs.

"Stay in one place, you cheater," I shouted.

The laughter stopped, and the hunt began. "Pan, where's Jasper?"

Our mutt helped me check all the downstairs rooms before moving upstairs. No stone was left unturned. Closets. Beds. Bathrooms. Behind doors. He was nowhere to be found.

The answer came to me when I returned to my room and saw the window was up. He was outside. It figured. I turned around intending to go after him and ended up running right into him.

"You suck at this game, Bella."

Forget the game. Why was he wet? And did he know his shirt was molded to him? Probably not because I was, too, which was way more important. We were sort of stuck together. He wasn't moving, and I wasn't either. Not that I really could with one of his hands on my waist holding me in place.

His fingers worked their way under my shirt. It made me think of way too many things. My own hands hung loosely at my sides. They were as confused about what to do as I was.

A prudish voice in my head was informing me of just how wrong this was but only because it felt right, which meant it couldn't be wrong. And none of that made a damn bit of sense.

When Jasper spoke, his voice came out in a deeper tone than usual. "We need to go to the store. You're low on milk."

"There's an unopened gallon in the fridge."

His fingertips moved lightly over the contours of my face. "Do you have to challenge everything I say?"

"Do you have to keep pushing me away when I know it's the last thing you want to do?"

"Yes."

It was my turn to shut down. The alternative would be a rerun of half our other conversations, and I wasn't watching TvLand. I was trying to live my life.

I stepped back from him. "You should go now."

"Answer something for me first. Why are you still wearing his ring?"

"Because I'm not the girl that breaks up with someone over the phone or while they're searching remote caves in Borneo. When Edward gets back, we'll talk. Until then, I still consider myself engaged to him."

Jasper took a hold of my shoulders. "Caves? Was there a note? Did he call you?"

"No. I did some research and came to my own conclusions. Shouldn't you know this already? He isn't with a wolf. Alice can see him now."

"Her visions come in pieces. They're not always easy to put together."

That was probably only half of the truth. "You're keeping something from me. What is it?"

"I'm entitled to my own secrets just like Edward. Deal with it."

He threw my own words back at me. It was a painful habit we both developed. This was what our friendship had turned into. There was no progress here. He was still angry over whatever pissed him off in the first place. I was still refusing to put up with his back and forth crap.

I danced my fingers like he did the night he dismissed me at the hotel. "Run along now. We don't need you here."

We did pissy better than we ever did nice. It was too bad. We could have been good together.

**

* * *

**

The next afternoon Jasper was back at my house. I was swimming in memories from our earlier conversations, and he seemed content to watch me drown. I knew that was exactly what I was doing. Nothing would ever come of any interest between the two of us. Thinking on it was an exercise in futility, but I couldn't seem to stop.

I wasn't even sure why I let him in the house. Seeing him made my skin burn and my head hurt. A simple brush of our fingers had me closing my eyes and imagining impossible dreams.

_Stupid girl. He doesn't want you. Move on._

I needed something mundane and dull to help keep my head clear. This left us going through my closet and turning it from an organized Edward closet to a disaster zone. Jasper rifled through my shirts tossing ones we hated into a pile and hanging our favorites to the side. Our tastes were remarkably similar.

He flung one over to me. "I dare you to try this one on."

The one he picked was easily the worst of the bunch. Alice sent it to me few months ago. The girl had never even met me, but she sent me clothes every few weeks. I never wore any of it.

Jasper turned back to the closet, and I changed into the blouse.

"Tell me what you think. Is it a keeper?" I asked.

He laughed when he saw me. "I think my grandmother wore that, and she died in 1859."

The blouse was old fashioned and just plain ugly. I could see it inspiring a murder or ten. "I feel like Lizzie Borden."

Jasper's eyes lit up. "Lizzie Borden took an axe."

I grinned wide. "And gave her mother forty whacks."

"When she saw what she had done."

"She gave her father forty-one," I finished.

"I love that you knew that."

His smile. My heart. Not good.

_Anyone but Jasper. Anyone._

I sat down on the floor and began folding the reject pile of clothes. Jasper joined me. A foot separated us. Even with the lack of contact, my skin still tingled. His smell tickled at my nose and made my head swim.

When we reached for a shirt at the same shirt, our hands brushed. We both dropped the shirt and then picked it back up again.

Jasper finally tugged it out of my hands. "I'm keeping this one for myself."

He wasn't satisfied with the shirt and pointed over at my bulletin board. "I'm also taking that paper with your name spelled out in purple crayon and the one with the turkey made from your hand print."

Why was I not surprised? This man loved souvenirs. I had yet to see him not wearing the ring he took from me. It was still right there on the middle finger of his left hand. I didn't even mind how he claimed my belongings, which was probably good since he never asked. I even let him keep all the stuff I found in his bag.

I brought us back to poor Lizzie. "So Lizzie Borden. Did you – uh – follow her trial?"

"Everyone did."

"That was a long time ago."

"Yep."

Did I just imply he was old? Was he offended? Why was I even worried about this? He never cared if he hurt my feelings.

"What's it like watching the world change while you stay the same?" I asked.

"I'm not the same nor do I want to be. To remain unchanged is to never learn. Anyone who believes otherwise is a fool."

This was the Jasper I adored. I could listen to him for hours. "Tell me more."

"I remember a time when a man would open a door for a woman but not feel she was worthy of the right to vote. Women were supposed to be hobbled by their femininity. It took a while for me to see that men were hobbled by their egos."

"In other words, you were a sexist pig."

"I was a product of my environment. It wasn't just our views on women. You forget that I remember slavery. Heck, Bella, I advocated it."

This shocked me. "I can't believe that."

"I saw other races as less than human, which was very common back then. Once you're exposed to more vampires, you'll see that our kind lacks diversity. Why do you think that is?"

I had a pretty good idea. "When a person is turned, it is usually by an older vampire seeking companionship. They are naturally drawn to the familiar, someone similar to them in appearance or opinion."

"Exactly. We value our mirror images. Whether it comes from vanity or just plain racism, I don't know."

"And what about you?"

"I'm probably worse than others. They may discriminate, but they at least value other people. With few exceptions, I only value myself."

It was kind of strange. As an empath, he was able to connect on a personal level to everyone around him. I guess I always thought this meant he was sympathetic to whatever those feelings might be, but he wasn't.

"You think less of me now, don't you?" he asked.

Not even a little bit. In fact, it was just the opposite. "I'm starting to believe I couldn't think more of you than what I do."

Jasper's hopeful eyes met mine. "Really?"

I nodded my head slowly. "Yeah."

Gravity seemed to pull us closer. It was that half-smile of his. It drove me crazy. Those lips of his practically dared me to give him a reason for a real smile.

"Jasper, you should go downstairs."

Closer. "Should I?"

Definitely. "I can finish this."

"Can you?"

I could, but I would much rather have his help. With the way one of his hands gripped my thigh, I could safely say he wanted to offer any assistance I needed.

Our lips almost touched before he was gone.

Charlie's booming voice came out of nowhere. "What are you wearing, Bells?"

What just happened? I blinked as the room settled back around me. I even shook my head a little trying to clear it. I stole a look over at Jasper, who was now a respectable distance from me. He had moved just in time.

My dad spoke slowly. "What are you wearing?"

I had no idea. I looked down. It was the ugly shirt. "It's something Alice sent me."

"Oh."

Jasper stood up. "I think there's a game on. Are you planning on watching it, Chief Swan?"

My dad surprised me with his response. "You're welcome to join me. Oh and call me Charlie. All of Bella's friends do."

No, they did not, and he never tried to change that either. He also never invited them to watch baseball with him.

Charlie left the room, and Jasper's face turned from genial to furious. "I almost didn't hear him."

"We were talking, and you got distracted."

"It wasn't the talking."

He was starting to cave. It took him long enough.

"You know what it was," I challenged.

More of the dead guy. "It was nothing. You smell good is all."

This was getting old. "For someone who doesn't measure his goodness by what he denies himself, you sure keep your distance from me."

"Take off the ring, and I might reconsider."

The ring had nothing to do with us. "Don't use my ring as an excuse. You don't respect other people's relationships. If you decided you wanted me, a piece of metal wouldn't stand in your way."

"Bullshit. You're wearing it because a part of you still wants Edward."

No, I didn't. "I'm wearing it because I refuse to broadcast my breakup to the rest of the town before I even discuss it with Edward. He deserves that much from me. If you don't agree, that's your problem."

"Don't play the good girl with me. I know it's a lie."

"There is no good and bad, Jasper. There is only who you are and how you feel about yourself. You taught me that."

**

* * *

**

A week went by and no Edward. I was unsure of just what was going on with Jasper and me. He was a locked safe. He kept his thoughts and opinions to himself unless I asked for them, which I refused to do.

Adding more to the bubbling emotions was Charlie. My father wasn't even bothering to hide just how happy he was about the changes between Edward and me. Edward disappeared off the planet. I stopped talking about him. Charlie couldn't stop smiling.

The one thing throwing him off was that Jasper had replaced Edward as my constant companion. Prior to our trip last week, Jasper and I spent an hour or so together every day. That changed. Now, neither of us could stay away from the other.

The second I woke up in the morning, my hand reached for the phone so I could call him. He would arrive at the exact moment I walked into the kitchen.

I put a bagel in the toaster; he smeared it with cream cheese after it popped up. I poured a bowl of cereal; he added the milk. I ate, and he talked to Charlie about baseball. This all started the second day he was here. We found a routine and stuck with it.

It wasn't until today that Charlie said anything. Jasper received a phone call and stepped outside to answer it. My dad took advantage of his absence, not knowing that Jasper could hear his every word.

"When is Edward coming back?"

"I'm not sure. He hasn't said."

Charlie moved on to a new and trickier topic. "What's going on with you and Jasper?"

I didn't have a clue. "He's my friend. We talk."

"Yeah, you talk. And smile. And make eyes at each other when the other isn't looking."

My stupid mouth smiled. It loved my time with Jasper as much as the rest of me. "It isn't like that."

Okay. It was exactly like that and getting worse.

Charlie's brow wrinkled when he looked at the front door. "You're different with him."

"What do you mean?"

"When you look at Edward, it's like you're hoping you meet with his approval. You turn cautious and uptight the second he walks in the door."

He wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know. What I really wanted was his thoughts on my new friend. "And how am I with Jasper?"

"Unafraid. Relaxed. You're free to be yourself, and it shows."

True, but I also walked on eggshells waiting for our next setback. The dance between us was wearing me out.

My dad wasn't done with me. "You need to figure out why you're happier with one than the other. And the one making you happy isn't the one you're marrying."

Jasper picked that exact moment to walk back in the house.

Charlie cleared his throat. "I'm heading out. You two have a good day."

He put his dishes in the sink and went for the front door. He turned back just for a second. "Take care of our girl, Jasper."

"Yes, sir."

_Nice test, Dad. Could you be any more obvious?_

I pushed my dishes away and pounded my head on the tabletop. Edward would have stopped me. Jasper sat in the chair next to me and let me do my thing.

When I finished my self-flagellation, I pointed out the discrepancy. "Edward always tells me I'm going to give myself a concussion. He stops me. You never do."

"Honestly, I keep hoping you'll knock yourself out."

I turned my head to the side and looked at him. "Why?"

He didn't answer right away. He took a second to push my hair back behind my ears and caress my cheek with his thumb. "It'll probably be the only time I'll get to watch you sleep."

"Stop. You can't keep throwing words like that at me and then pushing me away again. It hurts."

"This time is different."

For how long? I wasn't falling for it this time. It would crush me when he knocked me on my butt again. "It's never different, and I'm done putting up with it. Get out."

Jasper wasn't giving up. "I swear it's different. Let me stay with you tonight. I'll prove it."

Unbelievable. "No. Never. Ever. Remember those words? Fucking never."

He turned his pretty eyes on me and gave me a look of angelic innocence. "Technically, I will never sleep with you. Punishing me for delivering facts is hardly sporting of you."

The playful tone sent me over the edge. "Are we playing golf? If so, I'm shoving my putter straight down your fang hole."

"I'm sensing you're angry."

I sensed he suffered from dual personalities. "Get out."

* * *

**Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed the update.  
**

**Thanks again for taking the time to read. Chapter 13 should post next Wednesday or Thursday.**

**- Cris**

**Here's a line from the next chapter:**

"Let me stay, and I'll tell you why I didn't kill Maria."


	13. Chapter 13 Falling

**Conversations with My Killer**  
Chapter 13 - Falling

_Jasper wasn't giving up. "I swear it's different. Let me stay with you tonight. I'll prove it."_

_Unbelievable. "No. Never. Ever. Remember those words? Fucking never."_

_He turned his pretty eyes on me and gave me a look of angelic innocence. "Technically, I will never sleep with you. Punishing me for delivering facts is hardly sporting of you."_

_The playful tone sent me over the edge. "Are we playing golf? If so, I'm shoving my putter straight down your fang hole."_

"_I'm sensing you're angry."_

_I sensed he suffered from dual personalities. "Get out."_

**

* * *

**

"Why? I'm giving you what you want."

Was he? Really? "What is it you think I want, Jasper? Tell me. Please."

"You want us to see what this is. I vote we give it a shot."

That was what I wanted yesterday. Today, I wanted peace to reign in my head and my heart.

"If you want to give something a shot, aim at yourself." I stood up and pointed at the back door. "Leave."

He didn't budge from his chair. "I'm not leaving. I like it here. The dad is nice. The dog is cute. The girl smells like summer."

"The vampire acts mental."

He thumped a fist against his chest. "You're wounding my heart."

"What heart? It probably atrophied to nothing."

"I could rip my chest open and show it to you. Then we'll both know."

This was a plan I could stand behind. "Do it, but let me grab a few things first."

Jasper knew me well enough to be leery. "What things?"

"A lighter, a broom, and a dust pan."

"That's mean."

He didn't get to complain about this. _Food. Cattle. Blood bag. Snack. _

It was time he got a taste of his own medicine. "If I run your ashes through the coffeemaker, will you taste like you smell?"

"You don't like coffee."

"It's an acquired taste. I'll make do."

The hostility I threw at him should have been a big damn clue that I wanted him gone. Jasper stayed where he was. He even wore a confident smile.

"Bella, what are you trying to accomplish here? You wanted us to have a chance. I'm giving us one."

_He _was giving us one. _Him _not _us. Fucker. _"You are most arrogant person I've ever met. Not only do I not want you, I can't figure out why I ever did."

His confidence slipped. "You don't mean that."

I was pretty sure I did. "You've done great things for me. I stopped thinking about what makes Edward happy and focused on what makes me happy. And you make me very happy."

"I'm sensing a but."

A big but. "I already got caught up with one guy who withheld the truth from me. I don't want another one."

"I don't lie to you."

"Not directly, but you are the only person I've ever seen who can twist the truth into a lie. It's supremely screwed up."

"That doesn't even make sense, Bella."

_Let me give you an example_. "You said it's different this time. What makes it different?"

"I want to be with you."

"I believe you when you say that, but I know it's not the only reason you changed your mind. Rather than say what it is, you'll pass this off as being about us when I know it's not."

Jasper banged his fists into the table. "I'm allowed other reasons. Life isn't all about you."

"I never said it had to be. I want your reasons to be mostly about us, and I know they're not."

"You know nothing."

"I'll show you how much I know. You got a call from Alice, and she told you something that changed your plans. It doesn't have anything to do with how you feel about me. It has to do with her giving you the go ahead."

The expression on his face told me I was right.

To his credit, he didn't make excuses or try to lie about it. "You're right."

And . . .

That was all he had. "Jasper, say something else. You can't leave it at that."

"Yes, I can."

He could also mosey his ass out of my house. "Like I said before, we don't need you here. Get out."

**

* * *

**

The crunch of cereal was a morning blessing. Charlie was speaking. The crunch kept me from hearing most of what he said. I shoveled in more food before swallowing down the rest. I needed the noise. My dad was all about Jasper today. Where was he? Did we have a fight? Why were my eyes red?

Today was my second day without him. If Jasper followed his usual pattern, I would see him tomorrow night.

My dad tapped me on the forehead with a wet spoon. "Wake up."

I rubbed at my head. "That's really gross."

"We share DNA. You'll survive."

Not likely. "Have you seen me run? Our DNA is a curse."

He laughed. It was a rare thing for him these days. For that alone, I answered his questions.

"Here's the Cliffsnotes version. Jasper and I had a fight. I told him to leave, and he hasn't come back. I wasn't crying over him. I stubbed my toe on the coffee table. It hurt."

"I'd rather have the full novel."

All dads wanted the unabridged version, but they would probably stroke out if they ever got it. "I don't know what else to say. Jasper is hard to explain."

Charlie did the daddy head nod. "He looks at you different than Edward does."

Against my better judgment, I asked the obvious. "How?"

"It starts before you even enter the room. He hears you coming, and his eyes shift to the right. He waits for you to walk by, and then he watches your face very carefully. He smiles a second before you do. It's like he knows it's coming. I almost want to shoot him for it."

I laughed at the last part. "Why haven't you?"

"There's something different about him. Most young people believe they are invincible. He's the only one I've ever seen who makes me wonder if it's true."

I knew exactly what he meant. Jasper could be three shades of ugly, and no human would see it. He was power of action, a challenging stare, and cold silence.

"Jasper can stop speeding trains with his pinky fingers," I joked. "It's very impressive."

Charlie had to go to work. This left me alone for the day. I hated that. My human friends had their own lives. We had a lunch date next week, but I wanted to see them now. The wolves were ignoring my calls. I tried Emily and Jacob, and both brushed me off. The pack now took a hand's off approach to my life. They didn't need the aggravation.

This left the Cullens or spending my time alone. My company was best. I took my truck and my dog and found my own adventures.

**

* * *

**

As expected, Jasper returned the next evening just after the sun went down. His arrival came after a day of too much thinking on my part. I was firmly set on a new game plan, which allowed for no time with him. Jasper was a distraction I needed to avoid.

I was returning from taking out the trash when I saw him approach. I kicked at the gravel driveway and kept my head down. Telling him what I was thinking turned out to be more difficult than I anticipated. None of it was what I wanted, but it was what I should want.

I spit it out in a rush. "Okay. Here's the deal. I don't know why you're here, but I think we should stay away from each other."

Jasper leaned back against my truck and crossed his arms over his chest. This man owned the space around him. It made too nice of a picture.

"Hello, Bella. Did you miss me?"

"Would you please leave? I know that sounds horrible, but I want you here more than I should, which goes against everything I believe is right. I'm feeling guilty about it, and I hate that. So it'd be great if you would make this easy for me."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I need to see you. I have to. It's not even a choice anymore. I see you. It's what I do."

I rubbed at my arms. They wanted to reach out for him and never let go. "I need to get to bed. Say your peace and leave."

"I want you to invite me to stay the night."

For a vampire, he had poor listening skills. "Should I talk slower? Would that help you catch on to what I'm saying?"

"Let me stay, and I'll tell you why I didn't kill Maria."

The offer left me stunned. "Don't try to bribe me with information. It's not how this works between us."

He raised his voice at me. "How does it work? What do I do? Tell me, and I'll do it."

"Offer information freely for a change. Give me a reason to trust you. Stop letting Alice dictate our relationship. Be Jasper. Not some weak shit that follows a map someone else drew for him. You're better than that."

I went to leave, and he dragged me right back over to him. "Don't go. I ran for hours hoping I'd get here before you went to bed."

_Don't look at him. Avert your eyes. He's the devil, Bella. Silver-tongued and fork-tailed. Don't even talk to him. _

_Go inside. Now. Run._

I never listened. "Hours?"

Jasper's smile knocked down more of my defenses. "I needed your nagging voice in my ears. No one else calls me on my crap."

"You could have called."

"I thought you would hang up on me." He took his sweatshirt off and tried to hand it to me. "I know you're cold. Take this."

I was cold, but he needed to keep his shirt. It was coated in his smell and would taunt me for hours if I kept it. "I have to go."

My attempt at escape was again thwarted. Jasper looped the shirt around my waist and used it to reel me back in his direction. "Why are you running away?"

Because I heard sweet songs in my head begging me to stay. "Let me go. I don't need this."

"Well, I do need it. My week was shit. I killed three vamps and listened to someone else scream for two days."

There was too much pain and violence in his life. There was no way he came away from it unscathed. "Are you okay?"

His jaw tightened. It took him a second to finally shake his head. His voice had a hollow ring to it. "I hate the screams. They get in my head, and I can't make them stop."

There was the honesty I wanted. Jasper could do this. No lies or manipulations. Finally.

I put his shirt on and held the collar up to my nose breathing in his scent. Heavenly. "Meet me upstairs."

Doubt stopped him. "Why?"

"Because when you're honest with me, I'll give you almost anything."

Jasper beat me upstairs. When I came in, he was already on the floor showering our dog with praise and belly rubs. They both grinned up at me like fools. It made me feel like a jerk for keeping Panama all to myself, but with Jasper making unannounced trips out of town all the time, there wasn't much I could do to change that. Our dog already had abandonment issues. He needed one of us to be a constant in his life. The job fell to me.

I let them enjoy their time together and went to wash my hands. It gave me a much needed minute to myself. What the hell was I doing? I washed my face, took several deep breaths, and waited for an answer.

It came in the form of a tall blond man who shut us up in the bathroom by ourselves. "Why are you nervous?"

Stupid nonsense in my head. "I don't know."

Jasper pulled the clip out of my hair. "There are no rules, Bella. We can do what we want. Be together. Be friends. Be nothing. All that matters is we do what's right for us."

"I don't know what I want."

He turned me around and lifted me up onto the sink. "I don't know what I want either, but we can figure it out together."

"Why bother when we don't work? I hate how I can't trust you, and yet I still feel like I'd be safe putting my life in your hands, which is stupid. You want me dead. I can feel it. Should I continue, or is that enough?"

"No, it's not enough. In a century and a half, nothing has made me feel as good as you do. I've only got a few weeks with you. That's it. Weeks. They'll never be enough, but I can sure as shit enjoy them while they last."

Jasper talked like he was doomed or dying. "What are you not telling me? What happens in a few weeks?"

He ran his fingers through his hair and took a deep breath. "You'll die, and the creature you become won't want me. You'll see me for what I am, and you'll hate me for it."

What was he talking about? His scars? "I've seen you, Jasper. You're still you."

"I'm not me. I'm not anyone. Prisoner. Fugitive. War criminal. Murderer. Victim. I'm all of them and none of them. That's why I like you so much. You're just Bella. Sweet, beautiful Bella, and you have no business being with someone as ugly as me."

I didn't know what to say, but I couldn't stop my words. They came out of nowhere.

"When I was fifteen, my mom and I drove through a town in West Texas that was damaged from a grass fire. The pastures were still smoking. A calf's charred body hung over a barbed wire fence. He'd tried to escape and failed. The town lost its biggest church. Three people died. Homes were burned to the ground."

"Sounds sad."

"It was sad."

I could still smell the smoke. It hung around the town in a heavy fog even a day after the worst of the flames were extinguished. The wind had dissipated, and in its wake, a town was left in partial ruins. I wished we had never driven through there, but my mom insisted on it. She said I needed to learn that life and death came hand in hand. No one had control over their fate like they believed. We were here one minute and gone the next. We were toys in the hands of a power no one would ever fully understand. We were everything and nothing.

"I don't know why, but the part I remember most is that calf. I kept thinking about how scared he must have been. There was no way to escape, but he didn't give up until he died. Why is it so much sadder when something dies fighting? Shouldn't we celebrate his courage and will to live? He may not have survived, but he sure gave it all he had."

"Are you saying I'm the calf?"

I wasn't sure what I was saying. It probably sounded stupid. "I think you both got caught in a fire. The calf died. You didn't."

Jasper gave me a strange look. "You are so odd. I never know what to do with you. You tell me the most random stories that no one else would, and you make them work."

"I don't mean to be odd."

"Come sit down with me. I want to tell you about Maria."

We returned to my room. I sat on the bed with Panama. I thought Jasper would go right into the story, but he was busy rifling through my belongings again. Once he was done with his stealing, he sat down next to me on the bed.

There was definitely something going on with him tonight. He was acting stranger than usual. It was the lack of breathing that caught my attention first. He only inhaled before speaking. Gone were the human characteristics he faked. His movements were too fast and a little scattered. He was indecisive about where to stand or what to do.

He got up from the bed and went to the window. He opened and closed it a few times before checking out my bathroom again. He was all over the place.

I got the impression he was regretting his offer to tell me about Maria. I offered him an out. "You don't have to tell me about her. It's fine."

Jasper continued his restless movements while he spoke. "The first person I killed was a sixteen year old boy. All the men in his family were tall for that time, but he was no bigger than you. He hated farming and was scared to death of horses."

It was too much information. He knew his victim.

Jasper paused and lifted his eyes up to meet mine. The words came slower. "His hair was the color of beach sand, and his eyes were blue like the body of a peacock. On his fifth birthday, he almost drowned because his older brother wasn't watching him. His name was Henry John."

He stopped to spray some perfume into the air. He sniffed at it and made a face. "Why do women think men want them to smell like flowers? This is horrific. I'd rather smell your dirty feet."

Duly noted. "It was a gift in a secret Santa exchange. I've never worn it."

He took the bottle and dropped it into the trash before continuing his story. "I killed the father next. The mother followed. Two sisters were all that remained. Maria shoved the older one to me. After I finished with her, the smallest girl was next. I went for her, but Maria and the others stopped me. They needed a survivor."

"For leverage," I finished for him.

"I knew you would figure it out. Maria played on my guilt and used my sister to keep me under her control. I killed thousands with the single hope it would save one. The numbers didn't balance, but the remaining traces of human Jasper refused to let the girl die."

I knew he stayed with the army for over twenty years. "What happened to her that made you able to leave? Did she die or find a way to escape?"

"She was never kept with us. Maria had outsiders keep an eye on survivors. If one of us tried to escape, the outsiders were instructed to eliminate our family member. If Maria died, they were to take out all of them."

"Did she do that with everyone?"

"Only the ones of us she thought would give her trouble. To answer your next question, I was traveling on an errand and took a detour to my old town. I went to the cemetery and discovered the girl had died a few years after I was turned."

"And so you ran," I guessed.

"As far and as fast as I could. I should have gone back and killed Maria, but the person I was then didn't want the others to lose the loved ones they had left."

It was interesting that Jasper distinguished between who he was then and now. "If you had it to do over, what would you do?"

"Kill her and everyone associated with the army. It was a mistake letting them live. They knew too much about me."

This reminded me of something else he told me. "Is that why you killed Peter and Charlotte?"

Jasper shrugged. "A few I hunted down personally. The rest were executed. Only two of us remain, Maria and me."

He sat down next to me. "I learned my lessons in the worst ways possible, and I will never make the mistake of putting another ahead of myself. The price is too high, and the return is minimal. Do you see now why I have no idea what to do with you?"

I saw and understood. "You see me as a potential weakness others might try to exploit. You also don't want to be put in a position where you have to decide between saving me and saving yourself."

"I will never pick you, Bella. I will always put my own survival first."

The truth didn't even hurt. I wanted him to save himself. "I didn't put enough thought into your side of things. I should have."

"You're young. I'll forgive you."

I was young, but it didn't seem like a good enough excuse. "Why haven't you killed Maria? I know you want to."

"She has an annoying habit of attaching herself to the biggest cock on the block, but Alice says the day is coming. I hope she's right."

He was very detached from everything. From Maria to his family, nothing touched him. I wasn't sure if he was covering his feelings up or genuinely unaffected by his past.

"I'm sorry about your family."

"Don't be. Like the good vampire that I am, I no longer mourn human loss. I only mourn my own."

Jasper took one of my hands and turned it palm side up. He traced the lines with a sharp fingernail. "I wish you weren't so fragile. It makes it impossible to know my limitations with you."

"What do you want to do with me?"

"More than I should, which is why I need to leave." He brought my hand up and kissed it softly. "Thank you for making the screaming stop. Sleep well."

And then he was gone.

**

* * *

**

I was back at the Cullen house. Emmett invited me over to keep him company while Rosalie and Esme went shopping. I hadn't a clue where Jasper was. The family was under the impression we were fighting, which was true but not true. I wasn't sure what we were after last night.

Any of the anger I felt towards him was gone. Hearing his story explained why he kept his distance from people, but it didn't make it any easier to decide what he was to me. How could I ever want to be with someone who was so clearly damaged by a past I would never understand? I couldn't blame him for his harsh way of looking at life, but I wasn't sure where it left us.

Dammit. Enough about Jasper. He made my mind weak and my body ache. I needed to use my time to pull back from him again. He was not for me. He never would be. I couldn't trust him.

Emmett and I made a day out of staining a rocking horse he built. I never knew he was an expert woodworker. Jasper had said that the furniture in his room was Emmett's, but it never occurred to me that Emmett actually built it. How was it that I never knew this about him? The answer forced me to see a rather unflattering truth about myself. I never took the time to find out. All my focus had been on Edward.

Today showed me just how much I missed. Emmett was extraordinarily talented. The rocking horse was actually a rocking camel. He designed it for twins and gave it three humps. It was quite possibly the cutest thing I'd ever seen.

"What do you think of the tri-camel?" he asked sheepishly.

"I think it's darling. Who did you build it for?"

"A charity auction. This one is for children's cancer research."

I had to give him a hug. "You are unbelievable, Emmett. I never knew you did any of this."

"It wasn't all me. Jasper came up with the idea about the camel, and Rosalie helped me with the design."

Color me shocked. "You're kidding."

"She has a soft spot for kids, but don't you ever mention it to her. I don't like seeing her sad."

Rosalie and sad were two words I had trouble getting to connect right. Her and mad were joined at the hip, but sad wasn't something I ever thought of in regards to her.

Emmett brought us back on topic. "Have you stained before?"

"Never."

He slid on a pair of safety glasses and handed me my own. "Let's get you some scrap wood to practice on."

"Do I really need to wear the glasses?"

"What does need have to do with anything? I wear mine because they match my hair." He passed over a pair of gloves. "These match my skin. Are you seeing how this works?"

I saw a kind man who wore glasses and gloves he didn't need because he knew I did. "I think I do see. Thank you."

We stayed in his workshop for the better part of the day. Once the camel was finished and drying, we sat around talking about his many travels. It was fascinating listening to his stories about hunting in Africa, trekking to the South Pole, swimming to Hawaii, and any number of adventures he enjoyed over the years.

I would never have guessed that penguin blood was his second favorite meal or that he chased cheetahs but never killed them. I loved hearing about his and Rose's third anniversary, which they celebrated in the middle of the ocean hundreds of miles from dry land. They lived like mermaids for a week. It wasn't even her idea. It was his.

"What's your favorite place you've ever been?" I asked.

"Wherever Rose is."

A woman's voice came from behind me. "Sucking up will not get you a new car."

I twisted around and saw Rosalie standing in the doorway. Her contented smile warmed my soul. This was her at her most beautiful.

She walked forward and examined the camel. "She looks perfect. You did a good job."

"Bella helped me."

"Barely," I admitted with a laugh. "Staining is not my forte."

I got a rare smile out of Rosalie. "Is eating? Esme and I brought you dinner."

We left the workshop as a trio and returned to the house. Once inside, my insides tightened up into knots. I stopped just inside the foyer and stood like a statue.

Jasper.

Our eyes connected across the room, and my heart failed. Talking went on around us. A deep voice. Emmett. A melodic clarinet. Esme. A lilting flute. Rosalie. Silent whispers. Us.

His lips never moved, but I could hear him saying my name. He was in my thoughts and my breath and just fucking everything. Seeing him made the pressure in my chest build to where my lungs ached from the effort of taking in more air. My heart was exhausted from the furious beats my emotions were wringing out of it.

I blamed this on the people around us. I swore to all of them that nothing was going on with us, and they seemed to believe it. Helping that along was the fact that the whole family knew Jasper and I were avoiding each other.

Being around him with others to observe us made me very uncomfortable. We were usually alone and never had to guard our words or our actions. Tonight we did, and the very idea of it made me feel such unbearable pressure. It started in my toes and traveled up my body all the way to my ears.

He was thirty feet away. Three people stood between us. A fourth joined them. Carlisle. His voice mingled with theirs. They were too loud and interfered with my own thoughts. I wanted to think of Jasper, and they were static I couldn't turn down.

Emmett told a joke about cupcakes. Jasper's lips turned up into a smile. Beautiful.

He spoke, and the static left. "Are you hungry?"

Was that a trick question? I went with a silent nod. It seemed like a safe bet. Any progress I made flew out the window. I missed him like crazy.

My legs kicked into gear. I took the necessary steps across the room, and each brought with it a heavy beat in my chest. Jasper followed me into the kitchen.

I heard myself speak words I thought were only in my head. "Where were you today?"

"Hunting."

The color of his eyes made me think he came home unsuccessful. They were black as a raven's feathers and twice as beautiful. "Didn't catch anything?"

"I was distracted."

Jasper tugged at the bottom of an old shirt I was wearing. "I hate this," he mouthed silently.

Because I had a tank-top on under it, I slipped the shirt off and set it on the counter behind us. "Better?"

His slow grin left me in no doubt it was. "Much."

I had to swat his hand away when he ran a finger under the low neckline. "Stop that."

Jasper rolled his eyes like a teenage girl. It was cute as all hell. Not cute was how touchy-feely he was with me. People would notice.

Footsteps approached. Jasper stepped silently to the right just before Esme rounded the corner.

"It's so nice seeing you two getting along again," she said as she pulled out dishes for my meal. "I was worried you never would."

Jasper returned to the disinterested observer. "Our interactions are pleasant enough."

I fell right in line. "They were barely tolerable until I realized one grunt meant yes and two meant no."

He laughed. "It's better than biting a lip to indicate you're thinking and blushing to show you're not."

My lip biting habit was an Edward induced phenomenon. "I'll stop biting my lip if you start biting your tongue."

He flashed me a toothy grin. "Should I blunt my teeth, too?"

"Only if you can come up with a good reason to do it."

"I can think of three. Should I show you now or later?" he purred.

Kissing. Biting. What was the third one?

Rosalie joined in. "I vote for now. The verbal foreplay is making me kind of hot."

The world started turning again. A quick scan of the room revealed three sets of suspicious eyes observing us. There wasn't a fool in the bunch. They picked up on our connection and interpreted it correctly. Emmett, of course, already knew something was going on.

Carlisle. "Jasper, may I speak with you alone please?"

The polite thing would have been to agree and listen to whatever the patriarch had to say. Jasper wasn't known for being polite, but he was known for being deferential, which made his answer all the more surprising.

"You may not."

He followed that up by taking the plate of food Esme made for me and strolling off in the direction of the stairs. "Come on, Bella. There's something I want to show you."

It was a dismissal to the rest of the family. They weren't needed nor did he care that they were witnesses to our interactions. Jasper hid from no one. I could either follow his lead or stay down here and make explanations he didn't feel they were entitled to.

There was only one thing to say. "Thank you for bringing me dinner."

I threw my shirt back on and followed in behind Jasper, not because he told me to but because I agreed with him. There was nothing to explain. Today, we were friends. Later we might be more, but until then, my lips were sealed.

While climbing the stairs, I extended a hand forward and captured one of his. He spelled out my nickname on my palm, and I knew it was his way of telling me he could smell the sun on me from earlier in the day. It was our only communication until I finished my meal.

"Let's go up on the roof," he suggested.

"Are you serious?"

Dumb question. When was he ever not serious?

Jasper led the way as usual. I wasn't worried in the least. He would no more let me fall off the roof than he would wear a pink dress and skip around the house.

He pointed to a tree limb outside his balcony. "Put your foot here and lift yourself up using the limb above you."

I was a clumsy girl on flat surfaces, but a monkey in a tree. I probably stunned him by climbing quickly, following the obvious steps needed to reach the ledge that wrapped around the flat roof. Once I was positioned just right, I hopped over like I had good sense.

"What did you want to show me?" I asked when he joined me.

We moved to the middle of the roof, and he switched on some lights. He nodded in the direction of a narrow ledge. "Try to walk it without falling."

I flashed back to the night we went to the cliff where he pushed me off. It was all about living dangerously and the fear that came with that.

It was easier said than done. "This is different. There isn't any water to cushion the fall."

He shrugged. "And?"

"You know I'll fall."

"All I know is you expect to fall. Let's see if you're wrong."

It was moments like this when I felt like a laboratory rat. My time with him sometimes came across as one big experiment.

"Could you at least promise to catch me?" I asked fully expecting him to agree.

"I never catch you when you stumble, and I have no plans to start now."

I understood the lesson. Catch yourself. Be self-reliant. Stand alone. If I were capable as a human, I would be even more so as a vampire. Neither of us knew what future I wanted, but he wouldn't stop teaching.

My mind was made up. I could do this. "Will you help me until I get my footing?"

"That's my job."

Ten minutes later, Jasper still had a tight hold on my arm while I walked the ledge. "Lead with the ball of your foot, setting your heel down at the end of your step. I know it feels funny but trust me."

I followed his instructions to the letter and saw an immediate difference. My wobbling all but disappeared. The ledge was only about three inches wide, and I had yet to step wrong when I listened to him.

"Let go of me this time," I requested.

He released my arm. "It's all you, sunshine."

Sunshine. I loved it. It made me all squishy inside. My balance wobbled.

Ah. Dammit. Focus.

Okay. A deep breath. Concentration. I took a step and followed with my other foot. One after another. When I got to the end of the house, Jasper scooped me up and spun me around in a tight embrace.

"Perfect," he crowed. "You were perfect."

I looked down at the darkness below me. A fall would have been devastating, but I didn't doubt for a second that Jasper would have saved me if I slipped. No part of him would let me fall. It just wouldn't happen.

He set me back on the ledge, making me taller than him by several inches. "You look good up there surrounded by the stars."

I tilted my head up. "No fair. I can hardly see them."

"I know, but you will soon. There are so many things I want to show you. The night sky is completely different after you're changed. Everything is. The motion of trees blowing in the wind. A waterfall with its cascading falls. It's all different. The whole world is."

Something crazy happened in the last several weeks. The conversations we had were becoming an addiction. I always came away feeling changed. He opened up sides of the world I never considered before. All I wanted to do all day was sit in a corner and listen to him talk. He was better than music or movies. Jasper was better than just about anything.

"Tell me what you see, Jasper. Describe the stars to me."

"Tiny fireflies floating around a pool of glistening darkness. Their wings are flecked with raw umber, and their glow reveals a ruby strain of fire."

I scanned the night sky wondering how it was possible he saw any of that. "Your description doesn't sound like any star I've ever seen."

Jasper lifted me off the ledge and set me down slowly. "I was talking about your eyes. Edward feeds you that crap, and you eat it up. I find it revolting, but I thought I'd at least try."

"You don't need to pretty up your words. Just tell me what you're really thinking."

I looked up at him, and the earth cracked open and sent us both tumbling. The air was potent with a fog I couldn't identify. It was too much_. _I turned away and looked out over the trees. They were safe. I could barely see them. Where were the other trees? I needed more trees.

Even with my back to him, the awareness between us was acute and impossible to ignore. Jasper moved an arm around the front of me, and his hand went right to my neck.

His fingers began massaging the skin rougher than they probably should. "You've made everything so much more complicated than it should be."

"I don't mean to."

I looked back over my shoulder at him. His eyes were hooded and his expression severe. When he whispered my name, an intense storm ignited the blood in my veins.

His honeyed voice sent me reeling even further. "You are the most dangerous creature I've ever met."

He used the hand on my neck to pull me closer. The kiss was soft and hesitant. I froze for the briefest of seconds. And then I was kissing him back. Our lips together. His hands locking me in place. I wanted to crawl into him and never leave.

Our first kiss was under stars I couldn't see. I fought against this for so long, but this was right. He was right. Hands dug into my back turning me around. Chest to chest. More. I pulled him closer. There was no heartbeat or warmth in him, but I could feel him breathing.

Jasper pulled away the smallest fraction of an inch. "Let me stay with you tonight."

I wasn't that far gone. "Not tonight."

His lips begged at my neck and along my jaw. Asking. Pleading. "I'll be so good. I won't touch you. Just sleep. I swear."

I swallowed back the yes my mouth wanted to scream. "You don't sleep."

"You do. It's enough. Please, give me this."

I turned away and covered my mouth. Jesus fuck. What the hell was I thinking? "I can't. I need to go home. I'm sorry."

"Don't say that."

The family could hear us. "Not here, Jasper."

"Fuck them. I don't give a shit what they think, and you don't either. Let me stay with you."

"To what end? You'll never love me, and we will never be more important to you than you are to yourself. Why would I want that? Why would I give up a normal life for something that isn't even half of what I want?"

He grabbed my shoulders and shook me. "I don't know where this is going. To hell probably. Who cares? We'll go together."

That was the whole problem. Jasper would wreck me. He already had. I was splintered wood on a beach he carved out of rock. It was scary not knowing what he would do with me next. Toss me off a cliff. Bite me. I needed stability, not some vampire who would never love me as much as I loved him.

There were the words, and they scared me to death. I loved him. Every sick, twisted thought in his head tripped a wire in mine. I wanted to watch him kill a million people and bathe me in their blood. This was the best and worst realization of my life. It was more agonizing than deciding to die to reach my forever. The truth was clear in my heart but being savaged by the arguments in my head.

I needed him to help me figure this out. "Just because you want something, doesn't mean you should take it."

His temper was infamous. He rarely lost it, but when he did, he reacted badly and never with much thought to the future. I got a taste of that tonight. He didn't understand that I wasn't rejecting him. I was trying to talk my way through this, but I didn't get a chance to explain before his anger blindsided us both.

Jasper balled a fist into my shirt and lifted me off my feet. I clawed at his hands. "What the hell are you doing? Let me go."

He paused for the longest second of my life. "Should I let you go?"

I peeked over to the right. There was nothing beneath me. No. No. No. "Jasper, don't do it. Please. You don't understand. I -"

He dropped me.


	14. Chapter 14 Those Words

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for the great response to the last chapter. Reading everyone's thoughts makes this so much more fun. **

**I was late posting this chapter, but the next one should post on time. I'll see you back here Wednesday or Thursday. **

**- Cris  
**

* * *

**Conversations with My Killer**  
Chapter 14 - Those Words

_I loved him. Every sick, twisted thought in his head tripped a wire in mine. I wanted to watch him kill a million people and bathe me in their blood. This was the best and worst realization of my life. It was more agonizing than deciding to die to reach my forever. The truth was clear in my heart but being savaged by the arguments in my head._

_I needed him to help me figure this out. "Just because you want something, doesn't mean you should take it."_

_His temper was infamous. He rarely lost it, but when he did, he reacted badly and never with much thought to the future. I got a taste of that tonight. He didn't understand that I wasn't rejecting him. I was trying to talk my way through this, but I didn't get a chance to explain before his anger blindsided us both._

_Jasper balled a fist into my shirt and lifted me off my feet. I clawed at his hands. "What the hell are you doing? Let me go."_

_He paused for the longest second of my life. "Should I let you go?"_

_I peeked over to the right. There was nothing beneath me. No. No. No. "Jasper, don't do it. Please. You don't understand. I -"_

_He dropped me._

**

* * *

**

I was never one of those people that feared the sudden stop at the end of a long fall. I feared the space between losing your footing and making the hard impact. Seconds could feel like a lifetime. I didn't have seconds.

I had zero chance to comprehend what happened before something hit me. I went from falling down to flying sideways. We hit a wall with enough force to knock the wind out of me. Whoever caught me had their arms locked around me in a bruising hold.

A female's voice. Esme. "I've got you, Bella."

Did she, or was I dead? I saw Jasper and then nothing. I couldn't be dead. If I was, he would have me. Heaven was like that. It gave you what you wanted.

And what kind of screwed up girl wanted a vampire who dropped her off roofs, pushed her off cliffs, and threw her into the ocean? He was death. I wanted death.

No. Not death. Life. A different kind of life.

A life without love. No family. No children. No growing old. No sunshine. No friends. Nothing.

A question. "Did I hurt you?"

Not Esme. Him.

Not him. Me. I hurt myself.

"Don't let me go," I pleaded.

"I won't, sweetie."

Minutes passed as I let the world fade away and focused on Esme. She was strong like the others but still gentle. Her touch made me think of clouds. They were heavy but still light. She was exactly what I needed.

A loud cracking noise startled me. More came one after another. I held tighter to my savior. "What is that?"

"Jasper knocked down a few trees."

"He shouldn't do that. Trees are beautiful. We need trees."

"Yes, we do."

It was dark and now light. We were in the house. There were more voices. One was missing. I turned to look for him. Jasper was separated from the family. His corner. Blank. Empty. The lack of animation stung.

Rosalie wasn't blank. She was screaming something at him. They went at it. I barely listened. Carlisle and Esme were checking me out.

_Where do you hurt? _My heart.

_How do you feel? _Fragmented.

_Your heart rate is elevated. _At least I had one.

They declared me healthy and undamaged. "Is that a joke?" I asked.

Blank expressions. They didn't get it. I had never been more damaged. Esme saved me, but pieces still hit the ground. Jasper dropped them.

Disposed. Trash. Unwanted.

Not true.

More screaming broke through my thoughts. Rosalie was really letting Jasper have it. He watched me and ignored her. His eyes said he was sorry, but his expression and body language showed disinterest.

Rosalie finally stopped with the theatrics.

Jasper spoke. "I was teaching Bella to save herself."

"Did you also teach her to fly when we weren't looking?"

"Good point. Humans are never very successful at flight, but they do paint a pretty picture when they hit the ground. Let's call it an art lesson instead."

She went for his throat. He sidestepped her. "Use your brain. I knew one of you would catch her."

"What if we killed her in the attempt? She is fragile. You can't toss her around like a toy just because she doesn't give you what you want."

"I did not toss her around. I dropped her. I've only ever thrown her twice, and she survived."

This was one of those special moments in life where everyone looked to me for answers. They had a dozen questions, and all were thrown at me seemingly at once.

_When did he throw you? Why didn't you tell someone? What else has he done to you? Is this why you've stayed away from the family? Has he threatened you? How long has this been going on? _

Jasper didn't take kindly to any of it. "Be very careful about what you are implying. I have not abused the human."

"You just dropped her off the roof of the house," Rosalie roared. "And she's not just a human. She's our sister."

"A sister? You let Edward beat her down mentally until she was barely able to acknowledge to herself how unhappy she was. Take a good look at her. She is stronger than ever. If my methods do not meet with your approval, tough shit. They meet with hers."

He finally spoke to me. "This is how we are together. No one will understand it, but it only matters that we do."

Jasper was right. This was how we were. From the cliffs to visiting the dog shelter, he used fear to teach me. I knew this and came back for more no matter what he threw at me. Only this time, there was no lesson. He dropped me because he was angry.

More from the peanut gallery. I usually liked peanuts. Tonight, not so much.

Rosalie was the loudest nut in the bunch. "Are you going to say something or stand there like an idiot?"

No one said anything. I glanced around the room. They were waiting for me. I was the idiot.

More of her mouth. "If he kills you, it's your fault."

I wasn't letting that stand. "Wrong. It's his fault. He is capable of controlling his temper. So point your finger at him and keep it well away from me."

Her nostrils flared in a most unbecoming way. "It's lovely to meet your backbone. Will your brain arrive late, as well?"

My brain was just fine. "Dial back on the bitchiness. I'm not required to agree with you about Jasper or anything else."

That earned me an approving smile from Jasper. I wanted to rip his face off and feed it to him. Dropping me. Art lessons. Fuck him.

The sudden burst of anger knocked me sideways. He had been controlling my emotions again. I had been numb from the second I saw him. This was him. He wanted a reaction out of me, and I refused to dance to his tune.

Jasper fed off other people's pain and fear. As messed up as it was, he felt more secure in his blood red world where violence and suffering were the norm. It was love and trust that made him feel threatened.

The realization dampened any of the fury I felt. A non-reaction would hurt him far worse than a temper tantrum. What good did it do to rage when the other person wanted the harsh words? I wasn't even truly mad at him. I was sad for him.

"Emmett, will you please drive me home? My nerves are shot."

"No," Jasper answered for him. "I'll take you home."

Keep it cold. "You've preached to me about putting your own survival above everyone else's. All I'm doing is following your example. Emmett would never hurt me. You don't care if you do or not."

He moved to my side but was careful not to touch me. "I do care, and you know I can keep you safe."

I knew he could, but that wasn't the point. "It's not your job to keep me safe. I have to look out for myself."

"Wait. Don't go."

"You should be happy, Jasper. I don't trust you anymore. You can leave me alone now. I don't want to see you tomorrow. I'm not sure I ever want to see you again."

**

* * *

**

I survived the drop. I wasn't sure I would survive the rescue. Holy hell, my body ached. I went to bed last night thinking I came out unscathed only to wake up this morning and not be able to get out of bed.

Jasper's name was now a curse. This was his fault. My back. My chest. My arms. My neck. Nothing was happy. Nothing.

There was a knock on my bedroom door. Charlie. "Bella, you up?"

Up. Down. Dead. "I'm awake."

"I made breakfast. Pancakes and bacon."

Charlie rarely made anything in the kitchen other than a mess. There was no way I would miss this. "I'll be down in a second."

I descended the stairs slowly. Other than putting on a robe, I made no effort to make myself presentable.

My dad was already shoveling food onto his plate. He waved a fork at me. "I made you extra bacon."

I gingerly took a seat at the table. "Thank you."

"You look rough today," he observed. "You sick?"

"Yeah, maybe. I don't know."

He stopped mid-chew. "You're never sick. What's wrong?"

My only answer was a painful shrug.

"Not good enough, kid. Talk to me."

"It's not important."

Charlie murmured out a half-hearted acceptance. "Uh huh."

We ate in loud silence. He had questions. I wasn't offering answers. This was becoming a pattern with me.

After I finished my plate, he slid an extra piece of bacon over to me. "You take it."

I was a bacon fiend. It brought out the daughter in me. "Thank you, Daddy."

The rare use of the endearment made him grin. "Can we talk now?"

"Was this your plan all along? You butter me up with pancakes and bacon. I spill my guts."

"It worked when you were ten. Remember when you came home from the park with a new haircut but wouldn't say which of the kids chopped it off?"

How could I forget? "I was the one who cut it, but I was scared you would get mad at me."

"I never understood why you were afraid. It's your hair."

He always said it was pretty. Something in my head made me believe he wouldn't like me anymore after I messed it up. To this day, I only trimmed it once a year.

Someone knocked on the front door. Panama alerted us with some rapid fire barking I could have done without. Charlie got up to answer the door.

"If that's Jasper, I don't want to see him."

My dad returned to the kitchen a few minutes later with a bouquet of sunflowers. "He said he's sorry."

Sunflowers. Most men would have gone with roses. "Did he say anything else?"

"Nope, and I'm guessing you won't either."

Actually, I would. I had no one else to talk to, and I trusted my dad to give me advice without making it about what he wanted. "I don't know what to do about him. I like him more than I should even when I know it's wrong."

Charlie pulled up a chair and sat down next to me. "What's wrong about it?"

"He pushes me all the time. I hate it."

That ruffled him up. "Pushes you? Explain that before I lose my temper."

"He pushes me to figure out who I am rather than let other people tell me who they want me to be. It's a constant challenge with him. He'd rather show me ugly truth than give me pretty lies. It's not always easy to take."

"I'm guessing your feelings get damaged along the way."

All the time. "It's not intentional. His background makes it difficult for him to be sympathetic to others."

"He's only nineteen, Bella. You can't expect him to have everything figured out."

_Nineteen? Sure. We could go with that. _

Charlie moved us to touchier ground. "What about Edward?"

"We're done. I'm only wearing the ring until I'm able to tell him face to face. It seems right to let him know before everyone else figures it out."

"Have you told Jasper that?"

"He knows where I stand with Edward. We've talked about it several times."

There was a heavy sigh that told me I screwed up somewhere. "Bella, Jasper isn't going to believe you're over Edward if you keep that ring on. Not to mention they're brothers. This is a very difficult situation, and it has to be bothering him. You can't expect him to always handle it with grace."

That was putting it lightly. "Are you taking his side?"

He patted me on the back. It was all I could do not to howl. "I'm taking your side, and I know he makes you happy. If you don't want to be with him, I'll be supportive of that decision too."

"You're a good dad. Thank you."

"Don't thank me. I'm not done yet. I want you to think about what you're doing. If you're jerking these two boys around, you need to stop it. They have feelings too."

"I know."

"I'm not sure you do. Jasper looked like he lost his best friend. I'm guessing that's you."

It was me.

**

* * *

**

I suffered through four long days without Jasper. This time he didn't leave town. He arrived every morning with a new bouquet of flowers. Charlie made sure to spend several minutes talking with him. They were buddies now. I wanted to smack them both.

Today I decided to avoid them both and sleep late. I should have thought of this days ago. Avoiding them both was much easier from my room. At least, it should have been. I heard a knock on my bedroom door. I assumed it was my dad and told him to come in.

Jasper was not my dad.

My morning growl came out meaner than I intended. "What do you want?"

"You can't drop the whole family because you're mad at me. Emmett misses you."

"I'll call him later," I said through a yawn. "Go away."

He didn't much care. "It's noon. Get up."

"Leave me alone"

He pulled my covers off me. "Up. Now. I won't take no for an answer. Not today."

I didn't move. He grabbed my feet and pulled me off the bed. I landed on the covers he pulled to the floor.

"Are you insane?" I screamed.

"No, I'm pissed off. You won't even give me a chance to talk to you."

"You dropped me off the roof of a house."

"And you didn't let me explain why. How is that fair?"

His side? "What can you possibly say? Oops, she slipped."

"I had to get you away from me before I killed you. Dropping you was the best option I had at the time. The family was already outside in case you lost your balance. I knew one of them would catch you."

He didn't know. He hoped they would catch me. "That doesn't make it okay."

"It was better than choking you, which was my first instinct."

"Cutting you into pieces is better than pushing you into a volcano. Should I do it?"

"Yes. I can be put back together. Lava is not so forgiving."

That gave me something in common with it. "Take me to Hawaii. There's something I want to show you."

Another smile. I almost missed the days when he only had one expression. It was easier to stay detached from him. As it stood now, I was completely screwed.

"I want you to leave."

"I want to chew on your inner thigh, which goes to show we can't always have what we want."

Why couldn't he stop doing that? "Don't talk about me like I'm a turkey leg you buy at the fair. It doesn't make me want to see you."

Jasper's frustration came to the surface. "How do I fix this? I brought you flowers. I spent time with your father. I apologized. I gave you space. What else do you want?"

Him. I wanted him. A good him. Someone who told me how he felt instead of making me guess. "I want you to leave."

"No, you want a declaration of love and lies. I won't claim to love you when I'm not sure if I do. I won't promise to never hurt you when I know I might."

Exactly. "By all means, keep proving my point."

He sat down next to me and pulled my covers up around me. "You care about right and wrong. Is it right to judge me by the same standards as a human male? Death and violence are common occurrences in my life. Both are as natural to me as breathing is to you. It is a reflex to lash out at the source of my anger. That night it was almost you."

Well that made everything okay. "Goody goody gumdrops. We can be best buds again. Let's hold hands and skip through the streets coated in the blood of a dead baby. It'll be snappy."

"I don't know about the skipping, but we can hold hands."

How was it possible that the part about the baby whooshed over his head? "I was being sarcastic."

"I wasn't." There was a pause. "I can hear your neighbors having sex."

Damn. Just damn. "They're in their eighties. I don't need that visual."

"I can hear them and feel them, but it doesn't make me want to have sex with you."

I would hope not. Shit. "Could you go now? I need to vomit."

"You're ill?" He slapped a hand on my forehead. "You don't feel warm to me."

I crawled away. He came right after me. "Hold still, Bella."

I tried to push him back. "Stop touching me."

"Not until I know what's wrong." He moved his hand down to my stomach. "I know you're not menstruating. You're also not breeding. Why else would you feel nauseous? Food poisoning?"

"You're the one making me sick, you perv. Old people sex is gross, and don't talk about my period. Damn, we need some boundaries."

"Can I talk about your breath and body odor? You smell foul."

Grrr. I hated him. "Get out of my room."

Jasper jumped up to his feet and went into my bathroom.

"That's still part of my room, you daft donkey."

He turned on the water in my bath. "What's with the donkey?"

I cursed too much. I needed to stop. It wasn't ladylike. It was coarse and unnecessary. "Edward was right about my language. I don't want to talk like you."

"Saying it in your head doesn't make it better. You should hear Alice. She's a foul little beast."

It was a family trait. So was wearing down my defenses. I wanted Jasper here. Today. Tomorrow. He could drop me off the Eiffel Tower or hold my head under water. I'd always want him with me.

I wished I could go back in time and give myself a warning about loving this confusing master of murder. I think I was more upset with myself for caring about him than I was with him for being an ass. Now that I'd been dropped off a building, I could safely say that the experience was not as bad as loving someone who didn't love me in return. There was no Esme to save me from that.

My mind was numb as I watched him run his fingers through the water. "Come tell me if this is too hot. I can't tell."

I would never get rid of him. "You're not going to leave, are you?"

"Give me an hour. If you still want me gone, I'll go."

I could do an hour. He would leave. The world would still suck, but I would eventually find peace with that. It would probably take me a decade or three, but I could do it.

I brushed my teeth and tried to pretend we were a normal couple. Were we even a couple? I wasn't sure what we were. Together but not. Different but the same. What the hell were we?

I was technically engaged to his fake brother. There was no ignoring the weight holding down my arm. It was wrapped snug around the ring finger of my left hand. I never did like my engagement ring. I thought it was pointless. Anyone needing to know I was engaged already knew. Of the ones that didn't know, they probably wouldn't care.

According to Charlie, the ring mattered a great deal. I thought wearing it was the honorable thing to do, but this didn't necessarily make it the right thing. What if it really was the root cause of Jasper's doubts and the anger that built up because of them? I knew he came first to me, but there was no way for him to know that.

It didn't help that when he did voice his objections to the ring I mostly ignored them. It was unreasonable to expect him not to have a problem with that.

I twisted the ring around my finger. It was as cold as the person who gave it to me. And just where the hell was Borneo Bob? Why should I feel beholden to someone who essentially abandoned me? There was no note, no phone calls, and nothing to even tell me he was coming back. He was gone. Jasper was here.

I looked up at the mirror and noticed him watching me. His eyes moved down to my hands where I was still messing with the ring. "Why won't you take it off?"

"Tell me why I should."

_Tell me how you feel._

There was a screaming pause before he answered. "I can feel it when I hold your hand. It brushed over my skin when I was kissing you. That ring may not mean anything to you, but it cuts me every time I see it."

There was what I needed. It wasn't a declaration of love, but it was something I could hold close to my heart.

I slid the offending bauble off and set it on the sink. "Better?"

"Very much so."

I agreed for the most part. "Does it make sense that I can still feel it? I thought I didn't like it, but maybe a part of me did."

"We'll find you another ring."

A person could interpret that a million ways. I decided it was best to leave it alone.

Jasper came up behind me and rubbed my arms. "Why does it make me feel worse seeing you bruised than it does when I see the remains of someone I killed?"

"Does it?"

"Yes. I want to twist Esme's head off and kick it across a field. She should have been more careful with you. I know this is ultimately my fault, but I still want to hurt her."

"What happened to humans painting a pretty picture when we land?"

He kissed my shoulder. "I only said that for the benefit of the family. It is better if they question how much I value you."

"After that night, do you really believe that's in doubt?"

"All they know is that I want you. Anything more is still up in the air."

"For them or for you?" I challenged.

Jasper stiffened. "For them. Take your bath. You'll smell better."

I could feel his emotions modifying my own. I felt calmer than I should, almost absent from the moment. I agreed to his request without even thinking about it.

"May I sit next to you?" he asked.

Now that one shocked me awake. "You want to watch me bathe?"

"Yes, but it wasn't what I had in mind for today. I will keep my back turned. All I want is to talk to you. I swear."

"For someone who doesn't want me to trust them, you sure ask me to do a lot of things that require trust."

"Yes, I do."

The simple response made me laugh, something I hadn't expected to happen again with him. That was the thing with us. With rare exception, we flowed effortlessly from one extreme to the next.

I gave him my answer. "Give me a minute first."

Bathing with him inches from me was as awkward a situation as I anticipated it would be. Neither of us was talking. Jasper was messing with Panama, but it did nothing to lighten the mood.

"Tell me a story. Tell me anything," I suggested.

"I don't have good stories."

There had to be something. "You like vampire baseball."

"I also like vampire bowling."

"How is it different?"

"We use heads."

Eww. "Human heads or your own?"

Did I seriously just ask if he used his own head to bowl? "Wow. That was a really stupid question."

"It's not stupid. I've actually seen someone do that. They played rather poorly, but it was amusing all the same."

A dozen questions came to me. None were normal. "Is it wrong to ask about dismemberment? It seems like it should be."

"Ask whatever you want. I won't tell anyone you're curious."

Nor would he judge me for my interest. Even knowing that, it still felt weird to ask my first question. "Can you still function without your head?"

"Yes and no. The first time it happens your body goes into shock, which is what happened when I crushed Edward's throat. It's a very efficient way of immobilizing your target."

I remembered the day when I witnessed that very thing. "That's why on the day of the baseball game you went for the nomad's head first."

"They didn't have scars from a previous decapitation, but one was still a bigger threat than the other two. He was the one I targeted."

This made for an odd conversation, but it was better than the awkward silence. "You told me before that you lost your head in a training exercise. Explain that."

He bent his head to the right and pushed his hair to the side. "Can you see this scar?"

I sat up and leaned over to look. It was very faint, but I could make out a thin line along the side of his neck. "Yes."

"The more times you lose your head the better you become at operating without it."

This was horror movie territory. "I don't see how that's possible."

"Venom is not like blood. It adjusts to the host's needs. In certain parts of the body, it takes on a viscosity similar to molasses. In others, it resembles saliva. It infects every part of us. These individual parts all function as a whole even when apart from one another."

Host? The word made me want to gag. "I don't like the idea of you being a host to something. It means I'm not talking to you but to some liquid parasite I can't see."

"It was a poor choice of words. I'll try to explain this better. During our change, the venom bonds with us. We retain our individual characteristics but take on new ones as well. My personality is primarily my own. My strength and thirst are the venom. The killer is both. I am both."

It was still gag worthy. "So what happens to the lost parts?"

Jasper held one of his hands out and flexed his fingers. "A freshly lost arm will twitch and even grab at you. The body wants to be put back together. The venom demands it."

"You could be the ultimate multitasker. I could hold a conversation with your head while the rest of your body is downstairs making me dinner. For the record, I want tacos tonight."

He laughed. "I love that you can see the humor in this. And no, we will not be taking me apart. Our venom cries out when we are injured. It echoes throughout our bodies like a siren's call and fries our nerve endings. You learn to manage the pain, but it is not a sensation we enjoy."

"It burns like that even when you get bit, right?"

"Yes." His finger moved to another scar across his throat. "Here is another one. To you, these are barely visible even with good lighting. To us, they practically glow."

"Wouldn't that be a deterrent. You've survived so much. Only a fool would fight you."

"That is the case for some. Others consider me a challenge they can't resist."

I imagined a group of vampires searching him out. It was a chilling image. How many had tried to kill him just to see if they could? What if someone succeeded?

"Does that happen often?"

"Just this last week. Humans have boxing. We have fights to the death. Call it entertainment for the undead. I've made a fair bit of money gambling on my life."

I was horrified. This was what he did when he left. "Why would you do such a thing?"

"There are situations in life where all your options are terrible. It doesn't change the fact that you still have to make a decision. You stand up, make the choice, and deal with the consequences."

I didn't accept that. "What good are the Volturi if they don't enforce their rules? Vampires are not allowed to kill each other."

Jasper laughed. "The events are unsanctioned, but I know they get a cut of the action."

I splashed him. "This isn't funny. You could die."

"I could spontaneously combust tomorrow, but it isn't likely. No one would even care."

I hugged him from behind with my wet arms. "I would care."

He rested his head against mine. "I know you would."

"Will you always have to fight like that?"

"Probably, but it's the best way I know how. By offering the challengers a chance to profit from the fight, it helps keep things fair. The alternative is a whole coven of vampires coming after me."

"I don't like it."

He brought us full circle. "I didn't like dropping you, but it was less risky than keeping you on that roof with me. You may not agree, but I know I made the right choice. You'll either forgive me or you won't. That's up to you."

This ended our talk. Jasper left the room closing the door behind him.

Deep breaths. Apply soap. Scrub well. Rinse. My hair came next. Shampoo. Rinse. Conditioner. Rinse.

Nothing felt normal. I couldn't remember the last time anything did. Once I finished, I dressed quickly and cleaned up the bathroom before looking for my hairbrush. It was gone. He had it.

I pushed the door open and found him on my bed. All of the bad thoughts from earlier were washed away. It was official; I forgave him. There wasn't any way I couldn't. There was no malice in what he did. He thought he was saving me.

Jasper gave me a hesitant smile and patted the covers. "You haven't combed your hair."

"You took my brush."

He picked it up off my bedside table. "May I?"

My legs answered for me. They took me right over to the bed where I sat down in front of him.

I fully expected to be bald by the time he was through with me. I assumed he would pull too hard and not even know it. I was wrong. Jasper carefully worked through the tangles without a single painful tug.

"My oldest sister hated taking baths. The only way we could get her to do it without fighting us was if I would promise to brush her hair. It's my only real memory of her other than killing her."

"What was her name?"

"Ann. I called her Annie. I thought brushing your hair might lead to another memory, but you're too different from her. Your hair is dark. The feelings are different. I don't see her. I only see you."

The brushing stopped. Seconds became a minute. Neither of us moved.

"My hour is up, Bella. Should I leave?"

"Never."

"Turn around."

Not gonna happen. We were doing great. "Do I have to? We've done really well without me facing you directly. The ring is gone. I learned more about venom. I know you had a sister named Ann. We're good right now. Why ruin it?"

"I have a question for you, and I'm not going to ask your hair."

Nothing good ever came out of questions like that. "Is it bad because my hair handles bad better than I do?"

"It's not bad."

I turned around to where I was facing him. "What did you want?"

Jasper lifted my left hand and examined my ring finger. "I know you love me."

Way to throw that out there. My confession came out in a whisper. "Yes."

"My feelings for you are less clear. I know I don't want to lose you. Letting you go the other night knocked me into a different world. It made me realize you are critical to my survival. I need you with me."

That sounded like love to me, but I wasn't going to push it. "Where are you going with this?"

"I need to know if it was the institution of marriage you objected to or was it marriage to Edward?"

An uncomfortable numbness overtook me. "Why are you asking me this?"

"I answer your questions. Please answer mine."

"Edward didn't want to marry me. He wanted to marry the Bella he thought I was. He doesn't even like the person I really am."

"That's his loss. Now answer my question."

I didn't like where he was going with this. "I objected to both. I don't believe humans can love forever. The promises are sincere at the time, but I know the feelings can fade."

Jasper nodded along with what I said before taking us on a new path. "Would you like to hear how our relationships work? You only have the Cullens as your example, and they follow human customs."

"I would like to know."

"In my world, mates are recognized as being joined without a formal ceremony or paperwork. Love usually exists between the two, but it is not mandatory. It is simply one part of a mutually beneficial arrangement."

"That sounds cold."

"It's nothing of the sort. We seek smart companionship. We want balance. A gifted vampire almost always desires a mate on par with their own abilities."

"Like Edward desired me?"

Jasper's jaw tightened. "One of the objections I had to your marriage was the lack of equality. He sought to control you. A true mate would only do that in the direst of circumstances."

"You said there is no formal ceremony. What do mates do?"

"There are no witnesses. Once a connection is made and recognized, vows are exchanged to solidify the relationship. One person will speak words of loyalty and respect. The other promises to protect and serve their mate. The vows are interchangeable because the couple is one."

Hearing this made me smile. "It sounds beautiful. Vampires have this stuff figured out. They could teach humans a few things. Don't you think?"

"Yes, I do."

I could feel Jasper's nerves. He took a deep breath and released it slowly.

"Bella, I would say those words to you, and I want you to consider changing so you can say them to me."


	15. Chapter 15 Negotiations

**Conversations with My Killer**  
Chapter 15 - Negotiations

" _. . . We seek smart companionship. We want balance. A gifted vampire almost always desires a mate on par with their own abilities."_

"_Like Edward desired me?"_

_Jasper's jaw tightened. "One of the objections I had to your marriage was the lack of equality. He sought to control you. A true mate would only do that in the direst of circumstances."_

"_You said there is no formal ceremony. What do mates do?"_

"_There are no witnesses. Once a connection is made and recognized, vows are exchanged to solidify the relationship. One person will speak words of loyalty and respect. The other promises to protect and serve their mate. The vows are interchangeable because the couple is one."_

_Hearing this made me smile. "It sounds beautiful. Vampires have this stuff figured out. They could teach humans a few things. Don't you think?"_

"_Yes, I do."_

_I could feel Jasper's nerves. He took a deep breath and released it slowly. "Bella, I would say those words to you, and I want you to consider changing so you can say them to me."_

* * *

His proposal generated a hurricane in my chest. Thunder. Wind. Lightning. Rain.

Jasper would say those words to me. He wanted to hear them from me.

My mouth was stuck between hanging open and smiling. It wasn't sure what to do or say, and neither was I. He rendered me completely speechless.

Jasper wasn't quiet. "Are you okay?"

I hummed out a low note and shook my head. "No."

"No, what? You won't change for me or you're not okay?"

Neither. Both. "I'm not sure."

_Lie. _I knew what I wanted.

Jasper's steely gaze had me fidgeting and tapping my thumbs together. I almost asked him to leave.

_Can you go while I work out my inner angst queen? Take your whiplash inducing craziness with you, but don't go too far because I need you._

Heavy beats resounded loudly in my head. I needed air. He was taking all of it when he needed none. Not fair.

"Your silence has gone on long enough, Bella."

I didn't think. I reacted. "I have to leave now."

I ran from the room and left Jasper sitting there. My feet took me out of the house and into the trees. I kept going until my right side began to pinch. I'd never been athletic. As a vampire, I would probably be a huge disappointment.

The dirt looked good. I had to lie down. This was as good a place as any. Looking up through the trees was as enchanting to me as the night sky. Today, it wasn't as pretty as usual. The scenery mimicked my life. There were shadows from trees and cold hard ground. The wind whispered my secrets, and the birds answered back with high pitched chatter. They were laughing at me.

I heard Jasper's approach long before I saw him. I was almost ready to see him when he stopped and stood over me.

"Should I join you or leave?" he asked.

"Could you just stand there? I like looking at you."

His hair fell in his face. This didn't make him happy. He pulled a rubber band out and used it to tie back part of his hair.

"How come you don't cut it shorter? It's always bugging you."

"I hide behind it like you do yours."

I would never have thought that was the reason. "Why are you hiding?"

"We draw attention wherever we go. None of the humans know us, but they all talk like they do."

"What do they say about you?"

"The gossip is always lurid. It usually matches their hidden desires. Jessica was a perfect example of this. When she talked about us, she created what she herself wanted."

She was a very stupid girl. "I thought you didn't care about gossip."

"I care if humans see my scars. It rarely happens, but when it does, I hate it. They tell others, who all have to try to see for themselves. I don't like the attention."

I sat up and patted the ground beside me. "It's not muddy, but I doubt you'll mind."

He sat across from me. Unlike our first day in the dirt, he spelled out my name. It was sweet.

My response wasn't. "Am I supposed to melt into a puddle of gooey dumb girl over seeing my name in dirt? It usually takes a meadow and some stolen passages from a high school textbook to make that happen."

Jasper took it as a suggestion. "This is better than a meadow. I'm not big on Shakespeare, but I can lecture you on military tactics."

Oh la la. "Be still my beating heart."

"I can play up the accent. Make it sexy. When I get to the wedge formation, you'll melt."

And there was the military talk. In the battle for my heart, protect and serve did not beat out love and cherish. "After everything you've said and done to me, you have a lot of nerve coming here today and asking me what you did."

"I take it the fun part about war is over. You want to turn this into an argument like you do everything else."

This wasn't an argument. "You tell me we're not friends and that I shouldn't trust you. You show no concern for my physical wellbeing. When we do make some progress, you jump right into talking about me being your mate."

"I'm not someone who waits for what they want. I find it and take it. Once it's mine, I keep it. With you, I have to take a different approach. You're mine, but I can't have you until you decide I'm yours."

"It's not that easy. Have you even thought about what this would cost my family? What about everything else? No children. No days in the sun. No normal existence."

Jasper cut through the crap. "We can list out all of what you would be giving up, but we both know this really comes down to your parents and your lack of trust for me."

Bingo. "I love my parents. Faking my death is not something I can do to them."

"You will not lose them, Bella. I will find a way for you to see them."

Even if that did happen, it wouldn't be good enough. "They won't be the same to me. You said yourself that human memories fade as do the emotions tied to them. What I feel for my parents will die with me. There will always be a disconnect."

He rubbed at his neck. It was what he usually did when he was frustrated. "Would you give up the chance at a thousand years with me for forty years with them? Soon they won't even be a part of your daily life. I would be."

Jasper was making this too easy for me. I needed it to be hard. Dammit.

"We can't have children."

He had no trouble coming up with an answer. "We have Panama."

I shot right back. "What if I kill him?"

"I will not allow that to happen. He can visit a friend of mine until you are able to control your thirst, or we can leave him with Charlie. We know he'll take care of him."

Still too easy. More obstacles. "What if I change and the feelings I have for you die with me?"

He anticipated this one. "Even if you don't remember me, we will remain as drawn to one another as we are now. The depth of our connection will return as you grow to know me again."

I didn't want to have to grow to love him again. "If I do this, I can't forget you or anyone else. I want to remember everything."

"We cannot prevent you from suffering memory loss, but we can spend as much time together as possible before you turn. You should remember those final days without any trouble."

"I want more of a guarantee than that."

"There are journals, photo albums, videos, and anything else you think may help you. It would be best to start this now even if you are not sure of what you want."

I liked this idea. "Esme has tons of pictures. We can ask for copies."

Jasper's mood shifted. "As long as you don't tell her why you want them. We are the only ones who need to know about this. I've had loved ones used against me. I don't want it to happen again."

I knew he loved me.

Anxiety kicked in again. Winged creatures made a mess of my stomach. The heavy beat clanged in my head. I was going to say yes.

He sensed my turmoil and tried to let me off the hook. "I want you to take your time with this. I don't expect you to decide today."

It was exactly what I didn't want to hear but probably needed to hear. Three hours ago, I didn't want to be around the very person I was ready to die for. Was I dazzled dumb again, or was this real?

Doubt filtered in. I felt a sudden urge to cry and slap at him for allowing me time. Why couldn't he pressure me like Edward? Just this once, why couldn't he tell me what to do?

Jasper never told me anything. This wasn't true, but right now, it sure felt like it. "Which you will I get? The version with me now, or the one I haven't met that leaves for days at a time."

"They're one and the same."

I didn't believe him. "Where do you go? Who do you meet with? Why hasn't Alice come home while Edward is gone?"

Jasper offered no explanation.

I threw more at him. "What about this man in your life? I thought you weren't free to do as you like. How do I even know you aren't following his orders? Do you even want me for real, or is this about someone telling you to be with me?"

He averted his eyes. I took it as a yes. "You're just like Edward. You want to use me for something."

Nothing. He said nothing.

"I guess I look pretty stupid to you, don't I? I even almost said yes."

Jasper opened his mouth to respond only to snap it back closed.

I wasn't staying here for this. I stood up and started to walk away. It wasn't even what I wanted. I knew he wasn't pretending with me. What we had was real. I just kept pushing more and more obstacles in front of us.

"Bella, listen. No one is telling me to be with you. It's the opposite. Alice says you'll cost me what I've been waiting for."

His confession stopped me in my tracks. Was he finally going to give me some answers? I knew he wanted to kill Maria, and Alice had said the day was coming when he would finally get the opportunity.

"How will I cost you?"

Jasper approached me slowly while he explained. "I made a deal with a friend of mine to go after someone in a few months. If I hold up my end of the bargain, the coven I'm acting against will hunt me."

I wasn't making the connection. "What does that have to do with me?"

"Alice knew you'd cause me to change my mind, and she was right. I'd rather have you than anything else. My plan puts you at risk, which is something I will no longer do."

"There's more. Tell me the rest."

He clammed up. "After you're turned, I'll tell you anything you want to know. Until then, my secrets are my own. You either trust me or you don't."

Jasper's lessons were coming back to bite him in the butt. "You've told me from the very beginning that I shouldn't trust you."

"And not three months ago, you agreed to marry Edward. We all make mistakes."

We did, and I wasn't about to jump into another one. He did his job well. I didn't trust him. "I'm not saying yes until I know more about you."

"You don't have to know everything about me to know who I am."

This was true, but it didn't change my feelings. "I'm not committing to anything."

He wasn't discouraged. "You will."

"Don't be so cocky. I have dozens of options for my future. You're only one of them."

"Better than not being one of them. That would make me Edward."

That was twice that name came up in the last minute. "Why do you keep mentioning him?"

"He's coming back soon."

Maybe, but who cared? "What's your point?"

He grabbed a fistful of my shirt and pulled me close. "If I get so much as hint that you're considering staying with him, I'll scatter his parts over Puget Sound."

* * *

Jasper and I settled into a strained truce. I wasn't avoiding him. He was keeping a close eye on me. Neither of us showed an ounce of willingness to compromise on what we wanted. I demanded information, and he refused to give me any until I changed. We both knew it was what I wanted, but I wasn't willing to budge.

We ranged from being nice to each other to openly hostile at the drop of a hat. My dad didn't know from one day to the next if he should let Jasper in the house or keep him on the front porch.

The daily door knock sounded. Charlie didn't budge. "You get it. I'm your father, not your butler."

"It's a shame. I would love to call you Jeeves."

He smiled over his coffee mug. "Get it right, little lady. My butler name is Alfred, and I work for Batman."

Charlie was a closet comic book fan.

Another knock. I made my way into the living room and opened the door. Mr. Imperfect looked rough today. His clothes were in worse shape than normal, and the circles under his eyes were a deep purple. Jasper needed to feed.

"Go hunting before you slip up and take my neck out."

"I've been hunting. I'm just not drinking enough. I have other things on my mind."

I avoided the topic like I usually did. "No flowers today? That's a change."

"I brought you something better. I was hoping we could make this a good day. No name calling from either of us. No rude comments."

Our bad attitudes were the only thing keeping me from throwing my arms around his neck and begging him to bite me.

"Come on, Bella. We can't do this forever." He held out a box. "Peace offering."

I reached for the box, and he pulled it back. "Not until you invite me in."

I should have known he would say that. "Fine. You can come in."

Jasper set the box on the coffee table before sitting down on the sofa. "You braided your hair today."

Only because I knew he liked it that way. We could say terrible things to each other and then do stuff like this.

I sat down next to him. "You didn't have to buy me anything."

"It's not just for you. It's for us."

Us. Two letters squeezed together shouldn't cause so much trouble. It was exhausting wanting to be with someone and not allowing yourself the luxury. Jasper was in everything I touched, saw, heard, and spoke. His words had started to become my words. I used his own arguments against him. Looking out for myself came first. I didn't trust him. Life didn't always give you what you wanted.

My refusal to agree wasn't even about him anymore. I was trying hard to establish control in our relationship. I gave over everything to Edward and became his doormat. This time had to be different. I wanted his respect, but more importantly, I wanted my own.

We were both suffering because of it. I couldn't escape even when he left me at the end of the day. When he was with me, he threw every emotion he could at me as a way of hurting me for not giving us both what we wanted.

I needed to stop thinking about this. I brushed at some dirt on his jeans. "How far did you run last night?"

"Not far enough."

He claimed it was to keep him sane. He ran from the time he left me in the evening until he returned in the morning. While he was gone, I stayed up late into the night searching through photos or making bucket lists. We both needed to stay busy.

Jasper handed me the box. "Open it."

I removed the top and pushed aside the tissue paper. Inside was a leather bound journal. Beneath it was a matching photo album. I had held off on buying either one because it postponed my decision, which was stupid. The decision was made.

"Is the design to your liking?" he asked. "If not, I'll find you another."

"They're perfect."

"I bought a matching journal to record my own memories of you. You may read it when I finish with it."

Why couldn't he call me silly or do something that made me hate him? "Stop being nice. I like it better when you're mean to me."

He looked me over with a critical eye. "Your blouse isn't flattering to your skin tone. You should never wear yellow."

I could breathe again. "Thank you for the present."

"You're welcome."

I cleared my throat and shook off the unwanted feelings that clouded my head whenever we were close. "Come say hi to my dad."

I dragged him into the kitchen and pulled out a chair for him. "Sit, please."

Charlie wasn't the least bit shocked to see Jasper in the house. "You wore her down again."

"Bribery worked. Thanks for the suggestion."

I should have expected them to be conspiring against me. I sat down and hugged my presents close to my chest. Any plans I had to show them to Charlie were forgotten as I watched him interact with Jasper. They had been comfortable around each other from day one. Under different circumstances, this would have been a good thing. As it stood now, one was doing his best to convince me to die, and the other had no clue that his worst nightmare was sitting at his kitchen table talking about baseball.

Police Chief. Murderer. Jasper allowed my father to believe they were kindred spirits when they were anything but. I was complicit because I let it continue. We were both frauds, and my dad was being played for a fool.

After Charlie left for work, I made a point of avoiding Jasper. I washed dishes, swept the floor, and scrubbed at the counters. The whole room was dirty. I needed to mop and dust and take out the trash. The stove needed to be cleaned from top to bottom.

I went over everything and muttered to myself the whole time. Grieving fathers. Babies. Dogs. The colors of my mom's hair scrunchies. Blood. I hated corn.

When I moved to the living room and started rearranging furniture, Jasper stepped in front of me. "Stop and tell me what's wrong."

Hurting him was easier than loving him, so I went with the truth. "You're worse than Edward ever thought about being, but my dad likes you. He believes you're good for me, and he has no idea what you want to do with me. It's wrong."

This was one of the rare times when I could see on his face just how much I wounded him. "Do you really believe I'm that much worse than him?"

I didn't want to cry, but the tears came. It was his influence. I never cried unless he was close to me. There was so much tension built up between us that my emotions were constantly on edge. His ability added to the mess.

"In some ways, you are worse. He regrets hurting people. You don't care."

I rarely saw Jasper go off on a rant, but he did today. "He's shattered over a couple hundred kills. Give me a break."

"You know how sensitive he is. It eats him up that he's killed humans."

The storm in his eyes had me backing away. I wisely stayed quiet.

"Fuck him and his problems. Does he think about Alice and how people tried to stone her to death because they thought she was a witch? What about Esme? Or Rose?"

He leaned in. "And what about those of us who were tortured and forced into servitude to survive? Not all of my scars are from fights. I endured years as a prisoner in a world you cannot possibly imagine, and he complains over murders he committed of his own volition."

There was a pause. He was waiting for me to say something. I was stuck on the part about him being tortured. Maria did this to him.

"Don't just stand there, Bella. Am I not damaged enough to gain your attention? Edward cried to you about insignificant problems, and you enveloped him in your warmth. Why do you refuse to give me anything?"

Jasper had my love, but he still wanted more. Always more.

_Give him words, Bella. They don't have to be _the words_, but you can give him something._

"I'm sorry for what they did to you. I'm sorry you can't kill Maria yet because you think you need to protect me. I'm sorry it took until now for me to understand that you can't judge a man without peers. You surpass us all. It's very daunting."

He closed his eyes and took a couple of steadying breaths. "Thank you."

My stupid hands were shaking. I rested them on his chest. "Tell me what you want. I'll give it to you."

He opened his eyes. They bored into me like a drill. "You know what I want."

One of us would have to compromise, or we would be stuck in this nightmare forever. I made the first attempt. "If I say yes, I want another two months, and I want you to tell me more about you."

Jasper counter offered. "One month. You get your answers during the last week."

"Two months. Answers tomorrow, and I want to experience sex while I'm still human."

Sex was a sticking point with him. He was like Edward and believed he would hurt me. "I'll have to kill someone first."

Was that better or worse than Edward forcing me to marry him? With the way Jasper had my head twisted around, I wasn't sure. "No killing."

He shrugged. "No sex then, and just so you know, I've already decided on my next victim. I'll feed on a human whether you like it or not."

"It better not be someone I know."

"You've never met her."

_Her? _I punched him in the chest. "Why is it always a woman?"

Jasper loved that. "Jealousy looks good on you."

I hit him again. "Why women?"

"I like the noises you girls make. When I bite, they make this breathy gasping sound. It's the same as when they're … I should shut up now."

It was a sex thing. The bull inside me saw red. "You listen to me, Jasper Whitlock. You only kill men from now on. Do you understand me? Men. If I even think you've killed a chick, your parts will get the Puget Sound treatment."

"That's bullshit. I don't tell you what to have for breakfast."

"I don't care. No females. You got it."

Jasper went right back into negotiations. "New terms. You change in one month. I'll give up _some_ answers in the last week. I'll also try to stop killing females. And you get no sex until you're dead."

My counter offer came without an ounce of thought. "I get sex if you kill someone."

What the hell did I just say? "That's not what I meant."

"You got a deal." He kissed my forehead. "I have something I need to do. I'll be back tonight."

No. Wait. Did I just agree to change? "Stop."

"Get working on your memories. A month isn't very long."

He flew out of the house like the devil was chasing him.

Son a bitch.

* * *

Panama nudged my hand for the second time in the last few minutes. He was the only thing keeping me sane today.

"He'll be home soon, Pan. And better not have killed anyone."

A whine.

"Don't look at me that way. He could be having squirrel or an accountant for lunch. You know how he is."

I replayed our last conversation in my head all day long. There was no way I agreed to any kind of deal. Jasper made it sound like I did, but there was no deal.

Panama's ears twitched. He rolled over and jumped off the bed. Something had him stirred up. He couldn't decide which was the priority, my window or bedroom door. After a sharp bark, he went with the window.

Jasper climbed through the curtains and dropped a bag on the floor. It was the first time he didn't wait for an invitation.

"Ever heard of knocking?" I asked.

"Why would I knock? Your room is my room. Everything works like that with us now."

"Where would you get that idea?"

"Don't pretend we didn't come to an agreement. You know we did."

Like hell. "No, we did not. I said something stupid. You took advantage."

"Your problem, not mine."

"My problems are your problems, remember?"

Jasper rubbed Panama's sides. "See, she's admitting it already."

I was too tired to argue about this. There was no deal. "Where were you today?"

"I needed to find something for you."

The photo album and the journal were enough. "You don't need to buy me stuff all the time. I don't expect it."

He took my hand and pulled me into him. "We'll say it's for us. Does that make it better?"

My shyness returned with a vengeance. Why did he have to feel so good? "It does make it better."

Jasper took off his shirt and tossed it to the side. I was still too close but couldn't seem to bring myself to move. More scars of his were visible along his shoulders and down his chest.

It was a struggle to pull my eyes away. "What are you doing?"

"I'm staying the night. Would you rather I didn't?"

He'd been begging me to stay the night all week. Since our deal was off, I threw him a bone. "You can stay."

Sensing my need to touch him, he reached for my right hand and placed it on his chest. "Unfulfilled curiosity is a very sad thing, sunshine. You should always reach for whatever it is you want."

"Does that apply to you, too?"

He untied the belt of my robe. "Only if you want it to."

It was becoming a little hard to breathe. Jasper stole all the oxygen. He inhaled deep, and his lungs expanded his chest. My hand moved along with it. Something so normal shouldn't be so alluring. He was only breathing. People did it all the time.

"Bella, you haven't said whether I should reach or not."

Wow. What had gotten into him tonight? I needed to back away slowly and avert my eyes – and hands – from the male specimen in front of me.

"I should go to bed." I patted his chest. Not good. "I should also stop touching you. It makes my stomach hurt."

I backed away like the smart girl I was and climbed into my bed. It felt much safer over here until he unfastened his jeans.

"Jasper," I shrieked. "There is a bathroom right behind you. Change in there."

"Sshh. You're dad is asleep."

I point at the bathroom. "Go."

"Nah. Why waste the steps? Just close your eyes."

I closed my peepers and slapped my hands over them for good measure. "Did you happen to snack on a drugged up bear or something today?"

I could hear the smile in his voice. "No, why?"

"You're acting different."

He slid into bed next to me. "How am I different?"

"Don't play innocent. You just undressed in front of me."

"Am I making you uncomfortable?" Jasper asked, which was silly since he already knew he was.

"No," I said in a voice much too loud for this time of night. "Wear – or don't wear – what you want."

"Are you sure you don't want me to leave?"

My eyes snapped open. It wasn't like he was naked. "Don't be goofy. I once saw my grandfather naked. That was way more traumatizing than this."

I wanted to drown myself in a paint bucket. What the hell did I just say? I compared him to seeing my grandfather naked, which never even happened. Dear lord. I had to fix this.

"Seeing you without a shirt isn't traumatizing. I've seen it before at the beach. I don't even know where that word came from. My mouth obviously, but it didn't come from my brain. My brain thinks you're lickable and scrumptious, sort of like ice cream, and I love ice cream."

Jasper didn't call me silly or ridiculous. He just took what I said and let it guide our conversation. "I've never had ice cream."

Fair enough. "I've never killed a deer."

"I've haven't cut my hair since 1863."

"I haven't painted my fingernails since I was in eighth grade."

I thought everything was going well. I was relaxed again. The room was quiet. The long day was over. We were exchanging random information. I almost forgot Jasper was only half clothed. Life was good. And then he threw me a curve ball.

"I haven't kissed Bella Swan since last week."

My entire body started to tingle. "Are you saying you want to?"

"You know I do."

"What about crushing my skull or going too far? Bad things happen in the dark. I don't know if I'm ready for that."

"Bella?"

I licked my lips. "Yes?"

"Shut up."

Jasper's lips met mine. Cool but hot. They caressed my own with sweet reverence. His hands followed suit. I groaned from the luxurious feeling.

"You're so soft."

Those hands I loved so much made rough trails down my body and up to my breasts. His touch wasn't as gentle as he might think. I would definitely be marked in the morning.

I ran a hand up his back and marveled at the muscles. So strong. So perfectly formed. He was hard like granite. Hard everywhere. My curiosity had me feeling of him through his shorts.

"Fuck," he gasped.

"Tell me what to do," I begged urgently.

I again moved my hand over him, and he went perfectly still before rolling away from me and almost falling off the side of the bed.

"Get the hell away from me for a minute."

If that wasn't a bucket of ice on the evening, I didn't know what was.

I got out of bed and went straight to my bathroom. I put my hands on the edge of the sink and stood there letting my lungs catch up to the rest of me. We only made it a few minutes before he pushed me away. This was not promising.

I wasn't sure how long I stood there before Jasper came up and hugged me from behind. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I understand."

"I don't think you do. Desires get reflected back and forth with me. It intensifies everything. Then your heart started pumping harder, and the blood asked me to have a taste. Next time, I won't lose my head as fast."

Jasper was at least willing to work on this. That earned him a million points from me.

I rubbed his arms. "Let's go to bed. I'll sleep. You can listen to me snore."

* * *

I had the biggest smile on my face when I opened my eyes in the morning. It was all on account of the heavy arm slung over my stomach. Jasper had his eyes closed and appeared to be sleeping. I knew this wasn't the case, but it was still a nice sight to see. I snuggled up closer to him, and his lips formed a smile that matched my own.

Without thinking, I kissed him on the neck. "Good morning."

He laughed. "The first in a century."

"Ah. Now that's just sad."

"Nah. It makes me appreciate this one more."

Absolutely. I loved that he was here.

He apparently loved it, too. "Charlie was called out for an accident. We have the house to ourselves."

Not good. "We should definitely get up."

Jasper shook his head. "Not yet. I want you to tell me if you notice anything."

"Uhm. Panama isn't crying. Did you let him out already?"

"Yes, but that's not it."

He was in my bed. Wasn't that enough change for one morning? "You're here."

"What else is new?"

I sat up and looked around. There wasn't anything.

Jasper lifted up my left hand and kissed my knuckles. A ring. My middle finger. Holy shit.

He held his hand up next to mine. "The rings aren't an exact match, but they're close enough. I could have gone with a new set for us, but I like the one I stole from you."

"I don't know what to say."

"Do you need to run into the trees again? If so, I insist you put more clothes on first."

"No running. You just surprised me is all."

My reaction worried him. "I thought you wanted another ring. I wouldn't have even thought to get one if you hadn't said you missed the other one. Did I mess up?"

"No, but slipping it on while I'm sleeping is cheating."

"Should I negotiate terms? Because that shit is getting old. Give me an answer about changing. Wear the ring. Accept what you want. Decide on something. I'm tired of waiting."

And I was tired of making him. "Make it six weeks, and you have a deal."

Jasper didn't gloat over his victory or turn sappy. He was all business. "Six weeks it is. I'll make the arrangements. I just hope he doesn't kill you."

_He?_


	16. Chapter 16 Pitcher of Sangria

**Conversations with My Killer**  
Chapter 16 - Pitcher of Sangria

_Jasper lifted my left hand and kissed my knuckles. A ring. My middle finger. Holy shit._

_He held his hand up next to mine. "The rings aren't an exact match, but they're close enough. I could have gone with a new set for us, but I like the one I stole from you."_

"_I don't know what to say."_

"_Do you need to run into the trees again? If so, I insist you put more clothes on first."_

"_No running. You just surprised me is all."_

_My reaction worried him. "I thought you wanted another ring. I wouldn't have even thought to get one if you hadn't said you missed the other one. Did I mess up?"_

"_No, but slipping it on while I'm sleeping is cheating."_

"_Should I negotiate terms? Because that shit is getting old. Give me an answer about changing. Wear the ring. Accept what you want. Decide on something. I'm tired of waiting."_

_And I was tired of making him. "Make it six weeks, and you have a deal."_

_Jasper didn't gloat over his victory or turn sappy. He was all business. "Six weeks it is. I'll make the arrangements. I just hope he doesn't kill you."_

_He?_

**

* * *

**

Jasper could be talking about anyone, some good and some not so good.

"You better explain fast. Who is _he_, and why would he kill me? Your boyfriend? Who?"

"Do you honestly believe I have a boyfriend? Would you have said yes if you thought there was someone else? I think not."

Jasper had a point. There were some questions I never felt like I needed to ask. I knew he didn't do anything perverse with his victims, even if his statements left that open to interpretation. I knew he wouldn't involve himself with me if he had an existing relationship with someone else. I also knew he wouldn't dress up at Halloween. None of this helped me figure out who he was referring to.

"I know you don't have a boyfriend. So who are we talking about?"

"The vampire I want turning you. His success rate is eighty percent. Other than Carlisle, that's the best I know of."

My heart fell. Someone else? No. Never. I wasn't going to let some stranger kill me or change me or fill me with his venom. The very thought of it was repulsive.

Jasper picked up on my feelings. "You needn't worry. I'll stay with you before and after he's finishes with you."

Finishes? Gross. "Way to make it sound worse. I want you to change me."

"Not gonna happen. I've tried and failed every time."

Was I terrible for wanting him to practice for the next six weeks? "If you can't do it the usual way, inject me."

"Injections are for pussies. You'll get bit like everyone else. Next thing I know, you'll be asking for pain pills."

Considering everything I was giving up for him, he could at least show some sensitivity. "Why do you have to be mean about everything?"

Jasper threw the covers off and got out of bed. "Why do you always have to look for the easy way out?"

"I'm trying to make it easy for you, not me."

He sent me an evil glare. "Be quiet for a minute. You're making me angry."

Boohoo to you. "You make me angry all the time. Suck it up, and move on like I do."

He tried putting a shirt on and tore it. Another mean look was sent my way. "This is your fault."

He pulled another shirt out of his bag. When it tore like the other, he threw it to the floor. "I hate clothes. Fuck."

Jasper hated something, but it wasn't clothes. I dug in his bag for a t-shirt and pointed at the bed. "Sit."

The bulled up child followed my instruction and crossed his arms over his chest. "I hate your room. The ceiling is too low. Your window is too accessible. Your closet is tiny. You smell again."

Whatever. "Lift your arms."

We managed to get his shirt on without destroying it, but he was still pissy. "I could have done it myself."

"How about you tell me what's really bothering you? You're making yourself look silly, and you know how much I hate that word."

Jasper mumbled out an answer. "I don't want someone else hurting you."

There was no better way of showing how screwed up our situation was than that statement. It didn't get much better from there.

"Injecting you goes against everything we are, Bella. I should be able to bite you and feed on you. When the last second comes, I would pull back and let fate decide if you're mine. It's the way it's done."

It didn't have to be. "No one will know if you inject me."

"I will know. There are things you don't do, and allowing shortcuts into our world is one of them. We bite our victims. Their passage to hell is three days. The newborn bears the mark of their sire. Your mark will not be a dot left from a goddamn needle."

I couldn't keep my big mouth shut. "Carlisle and Edward came up with the idea. Edward was like you and didn't think he could get the job done on his own without a funeral."

Jasper's temper was in danger of erupting. "I am not like Edward."

"All I'm saying is that you both want me to survive and neither of you can guarantee that I will. An injection is the safest way for me. You know that's true."

His eyes took on a hard edge. "No fucking needles."

"Do you have a phobia or something? What the hell is your problem?"

"This isn't a medical procedure. It's a ritual. Respect our traditions, or be a Cullen. I want an equal, not some bunny chasing child with a refined palate. She's not good enough."

The scorn in his voice cut away at my defenses. My eyes filled with tears, and my throat tightened. I was feeble in mind and spirit. He would never want someone who wasn't strong enough to survive the worst of what he threw at them. I tried so hard, but it was never enough. I didn't have his strength. Hell, I barely survived gym class. What made me think I could possibly keep up with him?

Jasper threw more at me. "Get pissed and throw something at me. Don't stand there and leak like the rest of your kind. You're better than that."

It was easier for him if I got angry. In his head, he didn't hurt me if I was still able to fight back.

"It hurts when you make me out to be weak. It's not easy giving up everything for you. Do you know how scared I am, Jasper? Have you even thought about it?"

My feelings didn't even make a dent. "Fear is like regret. They only exist if you let them."

I wasn't like him. I didn't have decades of practice shutting myself off from the world and playing dead. He was an indestructible statue that could come alive and obliterate armies. I was flesh and blood.

"I can't snap my fingers and not be afraid. Sometimes, it's all I think about. Will I survive? Is this a mistake? What happens during the change? How bad will it hurt? How long will I scream?"

There were no dismissive comments this time. He was quiet.

"I've had nightmares about what happens. Edward would wake me up and tell me it wasn't real, but he never told me what was. I know I'll burn, but I don't know anything else. I'm going into this blind, and I don't think you even care."

Jasper reached for my hands, but I didn't want him touching me.

"Bella, I'm sorry."

"About what? Making me cry or forgetting that I'm not tough like you are? You don't always have to punch at me."

He finally realized how much he screwed up. "Sit down with me. We can talk about this."

"I don't want to talk to you. I want to take my shower, wash my hair, and forget the last five minutes."

He should appreciate that seeing how I smelled bad again. Jerk.

I stomped out of the room and tried to collect myself. This should have been a good morning. No drama. I agreed to be with him. He should have been satisfied. He wasn't.

The hot water washed away some of my anger. The empath in the next room probably helped that along. I took extra time in the shower just to irritate him.

Before rejoining him in the bedroom of bad dreams, I took several deep breaths and exhaled them slowly. I needed to remember that this was Jasper I was dealing with. He wasn't exactly the nicest crayon in the box, that would be blue. He was the crayon no one ever used because they didn't know what the hell to do with it, that would be white.

_Who ever uses the white crayon? Show of hands. _I counted one. He was the blond-haired klepto in the corner with the blood stained eyes and the bad attitude.

And he was playing with my underwear. What the fuck?

"Have you thought about counseling?" I asked. "I'm not going to have anything left if you don't stop stealing."

Jasper shut my dresser drawer. "Your stuff is my stuff."

"Let's test that theory. Those panties you got there, either put them on or put them back."

He shot them over to me. "You're a tiny thing. They wouldn't fit."

"I'm not that tiny."

"Neither am I."

Dammit. His contagious grin had me smiling back at him. This man was a flu bug. "Stop looking at me like that. I'm still mad at you."

"I tried apologizing, and you wouldn't talk to me."

"I still don't want to talk to you."

I went to walk off, but he caught me by the waist and pulled me back. I twisted away from him and took several quick steps to put distance between us.

Jasper let out an exasperated sigh. "Could you stop for a minute?"

"Nope," I growled over my shoulder.

The next thing I knew, I was lifted up into the air and thrown over his shoulder. "Put me down," I screeched.

He ignored me and proceeded to carry me down the stairs, through the house, and out the back door. Once outside, he headed straight for the trees. One of my neighbors saw us and dropped the shovel she was holding. The poor woman probably thought I was being kidnapped.

I plastered on a fake smile and waved. "Hi, Mrs. Anderson. This is my future brother-in-law."

Jasper swatted me on the butt. "Don't lie to the elderly. It's disrespectful."

"Come on now, I haven't lied to you in days."

He answered my insult with a grunt.

I thrashed around. "Put me down before you hurt me."

More caveman grunting from him.

_Me Jasper. Blood good. Fire pretty. Dick big._

Once we hit the trees, he took off at a run. We didn't go far before he dumped me on the ground.

This man knew me too well. "You've got your trees. There's even mud after the rain last night. Now talk to me."

I stubbornly kept my mouth shut.

"Fine. I'll start." Jasper sat down next to me. "When you wake up, you'll see the scars instead of my face. My voice will be different. The color of my hair won't be the same to you. You won't know me. I'm afraid you'll survive, but I'll still lose you."

His own fear crashed over me erasing my own and opening my eyes to a problem I never considered. It was a very real possibility that I wouldn't know him. I would be one more person who flinched back from him and saw a monster. It would crush him.

That couldn't happen. "We'll figure it out. I'll know you. Tell me your name. Make me see who you are."

"Will you hear me over your screams, Bella? Will my name stop you from running away? I don't think so."

"You're wrong."

He tugged on my arm. "Come here. Let me hold you."

I climbed onto his lap and rested my head on his shoulder. "I will know you. I refuse to believe otherwise."

"And if you don't? What then?"

"If all else fails, you can tear me apart so I can't run. Force me to listen. Take me out in the forest and write our names in the mud. No one else would know what that means. Only us."

"I can't hurt you like that."

"Yes, you will, and I'll understand. Nothing says trust me quite like a dismemberment. I may hate you for a week, but I'll get over it. I always do."

It was a pretty solid plan even if it was ugly.

"You are the strangest girl."

It was a damn good thing. "I have to be strange to have any hope of understanding you."

Jasper rested his head against mine. "It's your turn. Tell me what you're afraid of."

My confession came out in a dull tone. "I have nightmares about being turned. I know it'll burn, but it's more than that. I'm always trapped in a cage and screaming until my throat bleeds. The blood fills my lungs, suffocating me. I never wake up a vampire. I always die on the floor of that cage."

A part of me believed these nightmares were visions of the future. I tasted the blood and tried hacking it up, but the end was always the same. I floated above my body and only saw an empty shell. Bella was gone and in her place was a pile of wasted life.

**

* * *

**

Days had passed since my last lesson. I thought they were at an end, but Jasper had no intention of letting my education suffer. If anything, he was more determined now than ever. This was what brought on today's trip. We were driving along a lonely road somewhere close to Bremerton.

"Bella, when we get to the house, stay very close to me. Do not wander off."

Why did I keep putting myself in situations like this? "What are we doing?"

"I'm going to show you something few humans ever get to see, but it's a surprise. So no asking."

"I hate surprises, and I don't like leaving Panama at home."

We turned onto a narrow driveway. A hundred yards later, I spotted our destination. The house was huge and far removed from any other signs of civilization. The lawn was trampled down into nothing. Dirt patches were worn into the grass. It was not very inviting.

"What are the circles of rocks for? They're everywhere."

"Fire pits. Notice how the trees are cut back. You should see this place at night."

"I think I'll pass."

Ours was the only vehicle here. "Is the house empty?"

Jasper pulled to a stop and shut off the engine. "Yes."

The house may have been empty, but I could still feel someone watching me. It was spooky. "How long will we be here?"

"That depends on you. We'll leave when you're ready. We can go now if you want."

The drive here had taken forever. I wasn't about to turn back now. "This better not be as bad as the dog shelter."

We got out of the car, and Jasper was immediately at my side. He joined one of his hands in mine and gave me an encouraging squeeze. "This won't be as bad as you think."

It was worse.

The house's smell changed with every step I took. Sweet to metallic and then heavy with herbs. I wasn't sure what to make of it. Also strange was the lack of noise. Other than the sound of us walking, my ears picked up nothing. Visually, the place was not impressive. There was no furniture or decorations on the walls. It was devoid of any human touches.

We stopped at a set of double doors. Jasper opened them to reveal the dining room. It was the only room with furniture. Appropriately enough, the remains of someone's dinner were left on the table.

Death. Jasper always showed me the worst of everything.

I heard myself cry out as I closed my eyes and brought a hand up to my nose trying to block the smell I expected. How could he take me here? What was wrong with him that he showed me these things?

Jasper moved behind me and walked me into the room. "He's not dead."

Sure, and I was newly male. "Take me home."

"Only if you take one more look. If you still want to go, we will."

Not dead. Sleeping? No, stupid. Changing. Would Jasper show me that?

After what I told him the other day, he would show me anything to calm my fears. I opened my eyes and saw my future.

The person looked to be no older than his very early twenties. His hair was dark and cut short. His breathing was so shallow I could barely make out the movement of his chest. From the marks on his torso and neck, I could tell he had been bitten several times. A thin sheet covered him from the waist down.

"Are all these bites normal?"

Jasper looked over the body. "It depends on the vampire turning him. I would have given this one the minimum amount of venom. It makes the transition take longer."

"But that means he'd be in pain longer."

"I don't like him. He believes he was fated for this life. The eager ones always concern me. They tend to be harder to control."

I reached a hand out to touch him and pulled it back.

"It's okay, Bella. He doesn't know you're here. Touch him. Feel how his skin has already changed. Compare it to yours."

"It seems wrong. He isn't a science project, and I know he's suffering."

"Your touch will not make it worse." Jasper guided my hand to the man's chest. "Notice the lack of imperfections. Feel the hardening of the muscles. He isn't quite cooked all the way, but he's getting there."

The skin was burning with heat. "I thought he'd be cold."

"He will be."

"What's his name?"

I got a disapproving look. "He has no name. He is unborn."

Taking his individuality away was another death. "He has a name. He had a life. What's happening here doesn't change that."

"I've explained this more than enough times for you to understand. Vampires are creatures born outside the womb. We carry memories of a previous life, but we are different than the human who came before us."

That was how he saw them, but my thoughts differed. "I see vampires as being similar to books that are missing a few pages. Not having those words can change the context of what one person reads, but the truth of the book remains the same because the original text still exists somewhere. Venom changed your body and modified your instincts, but I refuse to believe it can change your soul."

"As usual, you romanticize everything."

I wouldn't deny it. "An all gray world gets boring, Jasper. It's why you like it when I add color."

I placed a hand over the man's heart. Somewhere someone missed him. He disappeared from their lives and would never return. They didn't know his furious heartbeat was counting down his last hours. They would always wonder at his fate and wish he would return to them.

"What was his name?"

"I don't know his real name."

Jasper had to know something about him. "Why did he believe he was meant for this life? Is he supposed to be someone's mate?"

"If that were the case, he or she would not have left his side. You can measure someone's importance by the number of vampires close to them during the change."

There was no one here but us. "How many were around before we arrived?"

"No one. He's of no value to anyone. He'll be killed before he can complete the change."

Killed? "Why would anyone do that? It seems cruel to make him suffer for days and then not allow him to wake up."

Jasper approved of the practice. "It's a form of punishment for humans foolish enough to displease us. In other cases, we get a bad feeling about someone and end them."

"Which is how you feel about him, right?"

"He was someone's pet. From what I understand, he helped lure victims for his owner. When that vampire was killed recently, this man offered his services to his owner's killer. I turned him down."

The vampire had to be one of the three Jasper killed in the last couple of weeks.

I pulled my hand back from the man. "If he was already that twisted as a human being, I can't imagine how terrible he'll be as a vampire."

"Worse than most. He wants to kill. It is not something we run across very often in a human. If you weren't here with me, I would have already killed him."

This person wasn't even human anymore. How many people would he kill? What if they were my loved ones? His reasons for changing erased any sympathy I might have had for him.

"My presence shouldn't make a difference. If you believe he shouldn't live, kill him."

It was as if the entire house took a collective breath. Anticipation filtered through Jasper and trickled through my blood. He was someone who enjoyed death. He breathed it in as his oxygen and let it rule his life.

"Explain yourself, Bella. Your statement is out of character."

I didn't agree. "You don't care if he kills humans. You only care if he's a danger to us, and your instincts tell you he is. These are the same instincts that told you to kill the nomads at the baseball game. I didn't question them then, and I won't question them now."

Jasper's eyes took on a mesmerizing glow. "Will you watch?"

This would be our life. He would kill people. I would watch. Well, that wasn't exactly true. No matter how hard I fought against it, my thirst would demand that I participate.

"How does it work for someone like him? Do you have to burn him? Because I don't want to see that."

"He can still die like any other human."

Shouldn't I feel more about this? I was almost blank. "You're keeping me calm again."

"Yes."

"I'll watch you, not him."

Jasper's eyes never left mine. I heard the crack of the neck when he broke it.

_He's not human. It doesn't matter. People will live because he died. _

_I am no better than him. Why should I live? I'll kill._

_Don't cry. Don't cry. _

Shit. I started crying. "I want to leave now. Can we go? We have to go. Now."

My feet left the ground. He was running with me. Everything was a blur. I liked it better that way.

**

* * *

**

A day later, Jasper and I were lazily enjoying the quiet of the trees behind my house. For the last hour, I had been sitting between his legs and reclined back against him while we shared a book.

A couple months ago, he had rarely talked to me much less touched me. Now he was my own personal chair. One of his hands rested on my stomach, and his fingers kept playing with the bottom of my shirt. I was already having trouble concentrating. Jasper's touch made it impossible to keep my attention on the book. I turned a few pages just to give off the illusion that I was still reading.

"What do you think of Sara's decision to leave college?" Jasper asked unexpectedly.

Who was Sara, and why should I care? "Who?"

"The book. Sara. Annoying girl with a psychotic roommate," he prodded.

I thought her name was Susie. "I think she should stay. Education is good."

"She never went to college. She lives in a mental institution."

"Which is like college."

"Only different," he added before taking the book and setting it on the ground.

He pushed my hair over to one side and rested his chin on my shoulder. "Your emotions are everywhere today. Tell me what's wrong."

So many things. "I don't even know where to start."

"Edward?"

"Let's not go there."

"Me?"

"Not you."

"Yesterday?"

Bingo. "We left a body on a dining room table."

Jasper wasn't concerned. "It happens."

"Not to me. Is it still lying there? We should have gotten rid of it."

"I'm sure someone moved him by now. Alice likes a clean house."

Alice was staying there? "Was she the one that bit him?"

"She hasn't killed a human in thirty years. I can't imagine she was happy with the mess we left for her."

I didn't want to think about the mess, but I couldn't stop. I turned to where I was facing Jasper. I hadn't put two and two together the previous day. Now I had, and the number was a four I wasn't sure I liked.

"Did you have someone kill him just so I could see what would happen?"

"Yes."

It was the sweetest and most demented thing anyone had ever done for me. I didn't know whether to hug Jasper or yell at him.

"You could have explained it to me. You didn't have to have someone killed."

"I wanted you to know that you wouldn't be screaming or twisted up in pain for three days. After the first several hours, your cries will fade as your body relaxes. It's a dignified death. I thought seeing him would reassure you."

It was right that vampires burned during their change. They were cold and vicious. Pain and suffering meant nothing to them unless it was their own or that of their mate. Burning was nature's way of punishing them for the lives they would take, but she also created them, which I saw as proof of their place in this world.

How did I reconcile the terrible thing I wanted to be with the good person I thought I was? I couldn't be good and still want the life I asked for.

Bah. It wasn't the life I wanted. It was the man.

I was only now figuring out that dying to be with Jasper was nothing compared to the thought of killing to stay with him. We were tied together. It was inevitable that his diet would be the one I would follow.

**

* * *

**

It was the next evening, and the sun was peeking through the curtains of the kitchen window. I soaked it up with a smile. I was busy making dinner while I listened to Charlie and Jasper discuss John Wayne movies.

It was a good thing they had so much in common. With the weather like it was, Jasper was stuck inside all day. This wouldn't have been a big deal if it weren't for Charlie being here. At one point, he invited Jasper to go fishing with him. On any other day, Jasper would have leaped at the chance. Today, he had to plead a bum ankle just to get out of going outside.

Seeing him hobbling around had me in stitches, which upset my dad. My rudeness left me fetching stuff for poor injured Jasper all day, much to his amusement.

For example, my dad left the room to go answer a knock at the front door but not before making a request. "Hey, Bella. Bring us something to drink."

I cracked open a beer for my dad and brought Jasper an empty can of soda. It was all I could think of to do. My kind gesture was met by a mocking smile. He even stuck his tongue out at me. If the rest of the Cullens had been here, they would have killed over from shock. Jasper had a personality. Who knew?

I ruffled his hair and tried to move out of his reach before he could retaliate. I was too slow, and he got a hold of my shirt and dragged me back to the table. I fell into his lap, and he nipped at my neck.

Careless vamp. "You're going to draw blood if you're not careful."

He kissed my fragile neck. "I sure hope so."

I could hear Charlie coming back and pulled myself away from the delicious man with the sharp teeth. My plan was to return to cooking, but I made the mistake of taking another look at Jasper.

He was turned the other direction, and I fixated on the muscles in his broad back. The shirt he was wearing did nothing to hide the power lying dormant underneath. I longed to run my hands over him. His skin would be cool against the warmth of my hands. I could search out more scars and kiss each one. It could take hours to discover all of them.

A throat clearing from the side of the room broke the spell I was under. Charlie was watching me. This was just wonderful. There was no hiding where my thoughts had been. I tried to smile innocently, but I had my doubts it worked.

With nervous fingers, I returned to cooking. The conversation behind me moved to Jasper's plans for the future. My dad was not exactly subtle with his interest.

"Where are you attending school this fall?"

"I'm not."

Oh boy. Jasper's approval ratings just took a dive.

"What are your plans?"

"I'm skipping a year to work as a full-time tutor for disadvantaged youths."

Damn, he was good. There was no need to mention I was the youth, and he would be playing the role of my trainer, teacher, and guard. Jasper would have his hands full keeping me under control.

My dad was impressed. "More kids these days need to get involved with giving back. It's a good thing you're doing."

"My motives aren't selfless. Believe me, I'll be getting as much out of it as my student if not more."

Yeah, he would.

_Bad thoughts. Bad thoughts. _They were helped along by another one of his comments. "I believe in a real hand's on approach."

I dropped my carrot.

Jasper looked over his shoulder and winked at me. "Need some help, Bella?"

"No, I'm good," I lied.

Charlie was oblivious. "Even with the resume building, it's still a good thing you're doing. It sounds like you're really committed."

"I can promise I'll work tirelessly until I reach a satisfying conclusion."

I was done with this. "Jasper, enough. My dad doesn't want to hear about your volunteer work."

"Don't mind her," Charlie groused. "Bella's never been one to serve her community."

I had to be a shit. "What do you say, Jasper? Should I start serving my community? I have so much to give."

His amusement left. "I wouldn't want you stretching yourself too thin. You should pick one cause and devote your time to it."

"Any suggestions."

"How about the elderly?"

I adored him. "I'll think about it."

When Charlie left the room to answer the phone in his study, Jasper got out of his chair for the first time in an hour. He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. A hug would have been nice, but this was him taking the knife out of my hands and cutting up the vegetables for me. I had been going slow taking extra care not to cut myself.

I gazed up at him while he worked. The sun was highlighting the crescent shaped marks crisscrossed randomly over much of his skin. Without thinking, I rose up on my tiptoes and kissed one on his neck. The cutting stopped. I heard the knife fall to the side.

"Do that again," he whispered.

I did as he asked. One kiss. Two. Three. Each one had me turning around more to face him.

I licked my lips. "Your skin tastes like spiced honey cream my mom uses on toast."

"I've never heard of it," he said in a thick voice.

I found another scar just under his ear. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you invented it."

He let out a curse before impatiently turning my face to meet his and kissing me with gentle nips and bites. It was soft yet furious and seductive.

"I'm cooking." More kisses. I couldn't breathe. "Jasper, I need to -"

"Come upstairs with me," he whispered against my lips.

We were moving backwards. A wall. His body pressed into mine. This man was storm clouds and heavy rain. Everything was moving so fast, and I needed so much more. My hands got wise, and I was touching him everywhere I could find. I ran a hand up his chest.

One of his found its way under my shirt. When he cupped my breast, I pushed my hips up into him and moaned into his mouth. He responded by moving his mouth down to my neck as his hands tore at my shirt. The fabric ripped, and his lips followed the trail of the split fabric.

His fingers played with the buttons on my jeans. "Fuck, Bella. Why the hell do you have to be wearing pants?"

I was sorry I was.

"Let me kill your dad, and we can do this."

"I'll hate you."

"You'll get over it."

"Hey, kids I have to -"

_Charlie. _

Jasper lifted his head just as my dad rounded the corner. I heard the clearing of a throat, a rushed apology, and his feet trail out of the room. All three sounds were ice water thrown over the top of me. I wanted lightning to strike me dead. It was preferable to facing my dad after what he just saw. My shirt was practically torn off of me. Had he seen that? Could he have missed it? I didn't think so.

Jasper rested his head against the wall. "Will he try to shoot me? Not dying might raise questions."

"You're the empath. You tell me."

He closed his eyes. "He's happy, embarrassed, and disappointed. It's an unusual mix."

"I should probably go say something."

"I'll go. Stating my intentions is the honorable thing to do."

_I want to kill your daughter and make her my undead mate. _"You can't tell him your plans. He really will shoot you. Say we're dating. He's already figured that out."

"No. I told you before how the person we love becomes a part of who we are. I will not pretend this is a casual relationship."

The words rocked my world. "Are you saying you love me?"

My question sent a jolt through him. He staggered back as if he got shot. "That's not what I meant."

It kind of sounded like that was exactly what he meant. What else was there? "I don't understand."

Jasper tripped over his feet and then over his words. "I have to go. It'll take me hours maybe days. My chair is empty. I'll return soon. Bye."

He gave me no opportunity to question him. He shouted an apology to Charlie and announced his departure with a slamming door.

**

* * *

**

Two days without Jasper. I barely slept or ate. My eyes refused to close and my stomach rebelled against food. It was the nerves arising out of not knowing where he was or how long it would be until he returned. Slap on top of all that the big question about love and things were pretty screwed up. He didn't want love. To him, it was a weakness to be exploited.

Adding to the chaos in my head was the engagement ring sitting on my dresser. I could feel its hostility. People could say inanimate objects didn't have feelings, but I had my own theories. The ring was shooting rays of disapproval and loathing in my direction. It hadn't liked me from the beginning.

The phone rang. The Cullens. I was still avoiding them and didn't answer.

The disconnect between Edward and I had grown to the extent that I no longer felt anything other than dread when it came to him and his family. It overwhelmed the last visages of love that existed and made it impossible to remember why we had been close in the first place.

Another phone call. Jasper. I hesitated before answering. He could be calling to say anything. He never wanted to see me again. He loved me. He wasn't coming home. There were too many options. He never called me. Now that he had, it couldn't be good.

I ignored the call, but changed my mind at the last second. I was too late and the ringing stopped.

He wasn't just on the phone. He was on the tree outside my window. "Screening your calls?"

I jumped at the sound of his voice. "Jesus, Jasper. Don't sneak up on people like that."

"I called to warn you I was out here, but you ignored my call. I guess this means I should leave."

I crossed the room and parted the curtains. "I'm sorry. Please stay."

"I shouldn't."

Jasper was blank again. No soul. No emotions. Just a dead guy. I did this.

"I'm sorry. It's just that the family called, and I didn't answer. When you called, it seemed unfair to speak to you when I know I should speak to them but I can't. Then I got worried about what you would say. So I didn't answer you, which was stupid. Please stay."

I silently prayed he could interpret that rambling mess. I wanted him here. Tonight. Every night.

My fevered brain was on the cusp of spitting that out, but I stopped when I spotted a huge stain on his jeans. My eyes moved up his legs. A few more dark stains stuck out. He was much dirtier than usual. I continued my inspection up his torso.

More dirt. "You're not supposed to play in the mud without me," I teased as I took in his filthy shirt.

Jasper was silent. The stains grew in number and size. I smiled over his messiness until I met his eyes. He didn't turn his head to try to hide the evidence. He sat there waiting for me to connect the dots. There were really only two that mattered and each of them was surrounded by a deep shade of red. Gone were the cognac eyes, and in their place was a pitcher of sangria. He killed someone.


	17. Chapter 17 Final Exam

**Conversations with My Killer**  
Chapter 17 - Final Exam

_Jasper was blank again. No soul. No emotions. Just a dead guy. I did this. _

"_I'm sorry. It's just that the family called, and I didn't answer. When you called, it seemed unfair to speak to you when I know I should speak to them but I can't. Then I got worried about what you would say. So I didn't answer you, which was stupid. Please stay."_

_I silently prayed he could interpret that rambling mess. I wanted him here. Tonight. Every night. _

_My fevered brain was on the cusp of spitting that out, but I stopped when I spotted a huge stain on his jeans. My eyes moved up his legs. A few more dark stains stuck out. He was much dirtier than usual. I continued my inspection up his torso. _

_More dirt. "You're not supposed to play in the mud without me," I teased as I took in his filthy shirt._

_Jasper was silent. The stains grew in number and size. I smiled over his messiness until I met his eyes. He didn't turn his head to try to hide the evidence. He sat there waiting for me to connect the dots. There were really only two that mattered and each of them was surrounded by a deep shade of red. Gone were the cognac eyes, and in their place was a pitcher of sangria. He killed someone. _

**

* * *

**

I stumbled back from the window. Jasper jumped into my room and approached me with hands up. Stupid, stupid vampire. His hands weren't the problem. It was his teeth.

"Bella, don't scream. It's not as bad as it looks."

The proof was in the red pudding. This was as bad as it got. "You're covered in blood."

"You have to look beyond what you see. Tell me what you feel."

I felt horrified and violently sick to my stomach. "You look disgusting."

It got worse. Panama sniffed at Jasper's jeans before licking at the fabric. My demented boyfriend thought it was cute.

"Our boy likes the red sauce just like his daddy."

I pulled the dog away. "Don't let him do that. What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing," he said with a careless shrug. "I had a good dinner and a nice run. I'm home with the family. I'm in good spirits."

"Well, I'm not. You take off like a bat out of hell rather than admit you love me. When you do come back, you look like this. Can't you be normal for a minute?"

Jasper tried reasoning with me. "We've talked about this. Humans and animals are the same to me. You've accepted this."

I couldn't accept him arriving at my house in the dead of night and waving his blood stained clothes at me. He wanted me shocked. He wanted me to see the worst and accept him regardless of the stains on his soul. What was wrong with a gentle introduction to his world? Would he ever hold my hand instead of thrusting me into a nightmare?

Was that even what I wanted? No. I wanted the nightmare. I wanted him to be the one to show me the horrors of the world.

_Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Be fucking normal, Bella. _"You have to stop pushing me off cliffs. I won't keep surviving the fall."

"You can survive anything, Bella. You just have to try."

I tried every single time he pulled something like this on me, and without fail, I always accepted the worst in him. I even envied it. He never pretended to be anything other than the cruel, twisted animal that he was. We all had dark thoughts and hidden fantasies. The only difference was Jasper wore his with pride while the rest of us pretended to be the good people we weren't.

There was so much blood. It was everywhere, even his hair. He had it slicked back like that day he used mud. At the time, I hadn't realized it was a habit of his.

Without thinking, I reached a hand up. "You do this to keep your hair out of your eyes when you feed."

"Only when it's a messy kill. I'm usually very neat."

Kill. He killed a human. Who was it? Another woman? A child? Who? My mouth went dry and my body tingled. I was going to get sick or faint. I wasn't sure which.

"It's only blood," he stated firmly.

Yes. Only blood. I just needed to look beyond the ugly and see the man. "Why is there so much of it?"

His eyes took on an unnatural glow that highlighted the red. "Food fight."

With how much he had on his clothes and the image I had of him tearing a person apart, I knew he wouldn't have ingested enough blood to turn his eyes their hellish tint. He killed at least two people.

"Who were they? Did you get their names?"

"I only knew Jessica."

I considered all the possibilities. It had to be a different girl. Jessica went missing weeks ago. There was no way he kept her alive this whole time.

– "_I could keep her in a cage. If I drained her a little at a time, I could maintain my __eye color and no one would be the wiser."_

It was her. It had to be. "Did you keep her in a cage?"

There wasn't an ounce of hesitation or even concern from him. "We only kept her locked up for the first few weeks, but she wasn't mistreated. We walked her and fed her. I bought her a few books. She had a pillow and a blanket."

Jasper could have been talking about Panama's life prior to being adopted. We took him in and offered him a home where he was loved. Jessica didn't get that level of care. She was food. Her dried blood was streaked through his hair turning it almost black. His shirt matched. Her blood swam in his eyes and still clung to his fingernails.

My revulsion finally reached him. "Bella, her death was her own fault. If she'd kept her mouth shut, she wouldn't have had her arms ripped off."

I hated how he placed blame on the victim. This was what set me off. Jessica wasn't like me. She didn't invite death to her door and offer it milk and cookies. She was a normal girl with a family that missed her and a future that was bright. He took that from her and blamed her for the loss.

I punched at him like I always did when he angered me. "It wasn't her fault. She shouldn't have been there in the first place, you sick fuck."

"Don't shout. Your dad is awake."

Red velvet fingers reached for me. I slapped them away. "Don't touch me," I screamed.

I heard heavy footsteps pounding up the stairs. Charlie heard me. He was running up the steps and bellowing my name. I had no time to come up with a plan before he threw open my bedroom door and rushed inside.

"Bella, what happened?"

Fucking everything. Nothing was good. Jasper was evil. I still loved him.

I sat on my bed while my dad searched my room for an intruder. When he got to my window, I expected the worst. He parted the curtains and revealed a closed window. Jasper was gone.

Charlie provided an excuse for me. "Were you dreaming? Why is your light on?"

I mumbled out an answer. "I'm not sure. Maybe. You know how I am."

He checked me over. "Are you okay? Did you hear something at the window?"

I nodded my head. "Blood."

"Sweetie, that doesn't make sense."

_Think fast._ "No. No. There was blood in my dream. It was a nightmare."

He locked the window and walked back over to me. "Do you want me to stay with you until you go to sleep?"

I heard the question but couldn't answer. My head was swimming from the smell of blood that still tickled at my nose. The thought of it running through Jasper had me gagging. A food fight. Pieces of people flying. I was going to get sick.

I took off for the bathroom and threw up over and over again. Complaining about it seemed ridiculous, Edward's favorite word for me. Maybe he was right. Only a silly, stupid girl would ever think she could accept his world.

I closed my eyes, and all I saw was red.

Jessica. Dead. Gone. Forever.

Her killer was the one I wanted kneeling at my side. He should be brushing my hair back from my face and rubbing my back. I didn't want Charlie comforting me. I wanted Jasper. Why was I thinking like this? What was wrong with me?

When I managed to calm down, my dad helped me to my feet. The next several minutes were all about going through the motions while a hundred questions raced through my mind.

I brushed my teeth. _If he kept her locked up and then killed her, it wasn't simply a meal._

I rinsed out my mouth. _What he did was kidnapping and murder._

I washed my face. _Jasper probably got more of her blood on him than he got in him. _

I brushed my hair. _Had they fattened her up first? _

Charlie stood by quietly watching me. I knew he was waiting for some sort of explanation. Something was clearly wrong with me. The words jumbled around in my head. Nothing made sense. Frustration mixed with the horror and fear in my heart. I started to cry.

The worst night of my life got worse. "Are you pregnant?"

Laughter erupted out of me. I couldn't say why. There was nothing remotely funny about any of this. Jessica was dead. Jasper was her killer. More tears came. I was having a breakdown in front of my father, who was slowly building to an explosion of his own.

"I knew those Cullen boys were bad. I knew it. Which one did this?"

"Neither of them."

He turned green. "I think I need to sit down."

"Dad, it's not like that. I haven't even had sex. I just have a virus or something."

"Don't feel like you have to lie. I'm not angry with you. Disappointed, yes. Angry, no. We'll figure this out together."

"I'm not lying." And I had a dozen other things I needed to be thinking about instead of this.

Charlie wasn't buying it. "Bella, I saw you with Jasper the other day. I've seen the way he watches you. I'm not stupid."

"Stop," I shouted. "Just stop. I'm a virgin. VIRGIN. Okay."

"But -"

I interrupted him. "That day was a mistake. A stupid mistake that will never happen again. We argued. He left. The end."

The argument was a lie, but at this point, who the hell cared?

My father seemed to get the message. "Well, okay then. Uh. Why are you crying?"

Why not go with the truth? At least, part of it. "I love him, and I shouldn't. I don't know what I'm doing, and then tonight happens. Nothing is right anymore, and I can't fix it."

The tears came fast and furious. "I've screwed up everything. People are hurt, and it's my fault."

Charlie thought I meant Edward. He could never know about Jessica. He could never know it was my fault she died. I led her murderer right to her door and joked with him about killing her.

My father did his job brilliantly. He hugged me close and let me cry. When I finally ran out of emotions to feel, he tucked me into bed and told me goodnight.

He asked if I wanted him to stay with me, and I nodded rapidly. "Please."

"Anything you want, but next time, don't give your old dad a heart attack with the screaming."

My worn out voice only managed a weak answer. "Okay."

"I'll be right over here, Bella. Just go to sleep," he said before taking up his post in the chair at my desk.

**

* * *

**

It was raining again, not one of those light sprinkles but a hurricane of wind and downpours that lasted for the better part of the morning. I praised the heavens for coming up with a way to diminish the smell of Jessica that had to have followed Jasper to my house. Had the wolves or any of the Cullens come by, they would have picked up on it. The family would let him live. The wolves would try to kill him.

Avoiding Jasper was my new mission in life. I came up with a dozen reasons for why I needed to spend the day with Charlie. He didn't buy into my newfound interest in law enforcement, but he did give in when I said I wanted some father/daughter bonding.

I spent most of the day with him, and Jasper kept his distance, though not by choice. I saw him every time I looked out a window or stepped out of a building. He even came into the station and talked with Charlie.

This was a conversation I would have loved to hear. After my little spell getting sick the previous night, my father would definitely say something to Jasper.

Once he left, my dad started in on me. "You kids are going to make me old before my time. He insisted the two of you didn't argue. This is all a misunderstanding."

"There were no misunderstandings. He's not a nice person. That's all that matters."

"I don't agree with that. He was very complimentary toward you and apologetic about leaving without speaking with me the other day. He insists his intentions are honorable. I believe him."

Jasper's intentions were the stuff of nightmares. "I don't care what he said."

"You can't like a person one day and ignore them the next."

Actually, I could. "I have a talent for it. Haven't you noticed?"

He leaned back in his chair and put his feet up on his desk. "It's the glasses, right? He's wearing them inside like Edmund does."

"Edward. Not Edmund."

It wasn't anything like Edward. Jasper's sunglasses were to hide the blood in his eyes. Edward only wore his when his eyes were black.

"So what did he do?" Charlie asked. "Five days ago, he was creaming your bagel every morning. Today, you won't even look at him."

_Creaming my bagel? _Did he know how bad that sounded?

My dad wouldn't let up. "Men do dumb things all the time. I'm sure he's sorry."

Did Jasper bathe him in warm fuzzy feelings for the last thirty minutes? Why the hell did my dad like him so much? It was annoying to the extreme.

"Just so you know, it's not in Jasper's nature to be sorry."

Charlie had to go and get smart on me. "You should try accepting what is in his nature instead of expecting him to do what isn't."

I could accept the part where Jasper killed people. What I couldn't accept was him imprisoning someone for weeks before doing the deed. What had he done to her in that time? Why not kill her straight away?

I wanted the answers to so much, but I wasn't willing to ask the questions. Mostly, it was because I was afraid of how bad the truth would be.

**

* * *

**

The Cullen family returned to my life with a small knock on my front door. I didn't even bother to look to see who my visitor was before opening the door. I expected Jasper.

It wasn't him. Edward was back.

He hugged me. Muscle memory had me hugging him in return. Guilt motivated tears fooled him into thinking I was emotional over him. I didn't correct his assumption. He talked. I let his words float over my head and around my ears. Nothing got in, and not much of anything came out.

With him here, the world felt easier. I didn't have to think or feel. He told me what to do, how to dress, and where I could go. Considering the disaster that was Jasper and me, this was probably a smart thing. What good was independent thought when it led to trouble?

I clearly needed someone watching out for me, and Edward was more than happy to be the one to do it. As an added benefit, he could keep his brother away, and I needed that distance. We were too close, and Jasper was far too tempting.

And so, Edward was back. Bella was gone.

His return was a small ripple in a huge ocean. I barely noticed him. I failed to ask the hard questions. I didn't even put any thought into where he went or why. I simply didn't care.

Apologies and gifts. He was sorry he got mad and left. I was sorry I couldn't remember why he left in the first place or how long he had even been gone. His apologies were vocalized. Mine simmered in my head, but none were for him.

"What happened to your closet?"

_Jasper and me_. "I donated the stuff I don't wear."

"You picked the wrong pile to keep."

I defended the poor shirts that couldn't defend themselves. "Why do they have to be perfect? Why aren't these clothes good enough?"

Jasper was stained by the deaths of thousands. He'd never be perfect, but I never wanted him to be.

"Bella, no one wants anything that looks like this."

I did. The threadbare sweatshirts. The frayed skirts. The faded t-shirts. The stains and the flaws. I wanted it all.

Edward continued. His words became music. A wall fell down, and an orchestra was revealed. Their finely tuned instruments replaced his ranting and lectures. He played the role of the conductor, and the music became a lullaby.

I sat on my bed and tried tuning everything out. Boredom had me reaching over to my nightstand for a book. The day got better and worse when I saw the headband Jasper gave me. I missed him with a fierceness bordering on violence. My hands were clutched tightly into fists to keep me from scratching at the face of the person in front of me.

Edward. I wanted to burn his pressed shirt and his tailored pants. His hair shined like a new penny and taunted me with its perfection. I wanted to rip him apart and stomp him into the floor. I would scream at him that a dime was worth ten of him. Then I would laugh because it was true. He wouldn't get it.

Edward didn't belong in my room or my life. He wouldn't understand if I threw something at him or screamed over nothing. Jasper would find something of his own to break, and then he would scream with me.

Angry tears scratched my eyes. I brushed them away and grabbed the headband. The feel of it in my hands was calming. I slipped it on and closed my eyes. Honey blond waves. A smile carved out of stone. Scars from a life lived hard. Jasper's voice came back to me, and I could smell mud, rain, and freedom.

I reached for what I wanted. My arms stretched beyond their length, but my hands came away empty. I chased after Jasper, but he remained just out of reach. Running faster made him fade. Slowing down did the same. As soon as I found just the right speed, a hand reached out and held me tight by the back of the neck, preventing me from making any progress.

My captor was the north wind, cold and rigid with long fingernails that dug into my spine. His face was shadowed under a sunless sky. He pushed me hard, and my body hit the ground. The crash caused me to shatter into several pieces. Shadow Man swept me into a pile and put me back together.

I tried begging him to let me go, but the right words eluded me. My tongue was swollen, and my mouth sealed shut. Hands reached for me. One pulled off my left arm. Another stole a foot.

My mouth tore open and screamed out at my assailant. "No. Stop."

The hands released me only when Charlie's voice broke through to scare them away. "Bella, you're safe, sweetie. It's just a dream."

I sat up, and my surroundings began to make sense. I was in my room. The clock said it was early morning. "Where is Edward? Did he leave?"

My dad clicked on the light next to my bed. "It was a dream, Bella. He was never here."

"Yes, he was. He came back. I saw him."

I got out of bed and went over to my closet. It was the same disaster it had been the day before. Nothing was in any sort of order. A few shirts had fallen to the floor.

Charlie came up behind me and hung an arm over my shoulder. "You need to tell me what's going on with you. I've heard you talking in your sleep. It's not good, Bells."

"What did I say?"

"You talk about blood and Jasper. You beg him to let you live."

It was better than begging him to kill me. "That's different I guess."

"It's scary. Has he hurt you? You need to tell me if he has."

I answered like a drone. No thought was needed. "Jasper would never hurt me."

_He wants to kill me. _"He loves me."

**

* * *

**

Another day without purpose. I called up Emmett hoping I could spend time with him. To my surprise, he was in Alaska with Rosalie, Esme, and Carlisle. This was why they had called the other night. When I didn't answer, they went without me. I assumed he meant a permanent move, but he quickly reassured me that they would return in a week's time.

With them gone, I opted to spend time with my human friends. Today I was eating lunch with Mike, Angela, and Ben. They were talking about Jessica's disappearance. I should have anticipated the main topic of their conversation would revolve around the only newsworthy event to happen in this town in years.

For me, there was no mystery. I knew she was dead. I knew who killed her.

"Do you think they'll ever find her?" Ben asked.

Mike mentioned another rumor. "Some people think she ran off, and this is all just a way to get attention."

Angela wasn't buying it. "Jessica wouldn't do that. Someone had to have taken her, and I can't imagine it came to a good end."

It didn't. She was sitting pretty in the belly of someone we all knew.

They all looked to me. Angela asked for my opinion. "What do you think? Did she run off?"

"I don't know. We all do things that make little sense to others. I can't even explain half of the choices I make."

For instance, I was covering up my knowledge of the murder of one of my friends. How could anyone possibly understand why I did that? I wasn't even sure I understood.

The front door opened, and a gust of air sent Angela's napkin flying. She reached over to catch it, and when she did, I spotted Jasper four booths down from us.

He was never far away. Working in his favor was how he never tried to force his presence on me. He waited around patiently for me to get over his most recent crime. I just hadn't done it yet.

It was his eyes. I looked at them and saw death. He wasn't even bothering to try to hide them anymore. Not that very many people ever looked him in the eye. People instinctively shied away from him even more than they did Edward.

Case in point, the visibly nervous waitress who came to take his order. He waved her off without saying a word. His concentration was entirely on me. The intensity of his interest bombarded me. Jasper wasn't bothering to hold anything back today. He was agitated and impatient. There was also a bit of wry humor probably brought on by the conversation he overheard.

He took a sip of water and winked at me. The vampire was telling me he was thirsty. It made me laugh. He smiled back at me.

Jessica's killer. Here. With us. Even now her blood flowed through his veins, staining his eyes and sustaining him until the next kill. I hadn't asked him if the chocolate enhanced her flavor. I wanted that answer. It was probably because of that big slice of chocolate cake Angela was digging into with carefree abandon.

Would he kill her? Would that push this over the edge? Would she be the one who made my feelings for him change?

Angela moved over slightly, blocking my view of him. For the next several minutes, I watched obsessively as she took bite after bite of her dessert. When she offered a forkful to Ben, I saw him as another potential victim.

I closed my eyes in an attempt to clear these thoughts from my mind. The plan failed. I now saw my friends lined up as pretty corpses. Angela would be his first choice. The small gasp when he bit down would sustain him until the next kill. He enjoyed the bite as much as the blood.

My stomach clenched with hunger. The scraping sound of a fork against a plate made it worse. I could smell the chocolate and licked my lips at the thought of its sweet flavor. How good would it taste when delivered through alternative means? Did it improve the blood? Would I like it?

I reached over and stole a bite of Angela's cake. It was delicious. Moist. Sweet. Chocolaty. Heaven wrapped into a tiny morsel. Vampires. Chocolate. Sin. All three went together like chestnuts, vanilla, and rum. My mouth starting watering. I was so hungry for a snack.

My friends were oblivious to my growing discomfort. I should have put my hands in my lap. When Mike took a bite of his ice cream, a spot of it was left on his lip. I reached over and flicked my thumb over his lip, swiping the ice cream. When I licked it off my thumb, I groaned loudly. So sweet and cold. It was heavenly.

Ahh. Jasper was heavenly. Good looking. Athletic build. Soft lips. Cool touch. His hands felt so good grazing over my skin.

I tilted my head to the side so I could see him. One side of his mouth was turned up in that half-smile of his. He knew just what sordid path my mind was following.

Angela said my name and some of the red mist in my head faded enough to make me see reason. What the hell was I thinking? Jasper was a killer. He was forbidden in an infinite number of ways.

I threw some money on the table and excused myself in a harsh whisper. When I passed Jasper's table, he had his hands tightly clinched around the edge of the tabletop. I raced by him and out of the building.

My feet took me into the woods just beyond the restaurant. I had to escape to a place I could breathe, a place I could be alone. I should have anticipated he would follow.

Cold arms came around my chest and held me perfectly still. "I like her hair. It's dark and thick like yours. She's a beautiful girl. Should we kill her next?"

Not Angela. Never. "Save thousands. Kill yourself."

He brought his lips down to my ear. "If I die, I'm taking you with me."

Jasper moved around in front of me and walked north along the tree line. My feet followed. Always them. I wasn't taking credit for any of this.

We stopped a hundred yards north of where we started. Laughter caught my ear, and I looked beyond the trees and saw a familiar girl smiling with her friends. Kim. Jared's imprintee. What was she even doing here?

"How about we test that theory of mine, Bella? Would he still love her?"

"Stop it."

His eyes roamed over the three girls and returned to Kim. "Would she lose the essence that makes her what Jared needs? Is it all about breeding? Or does companionship take precedence?"

"Leave her alone."

"I don't know. I'm pretty set on having a snack."

"Then go eat a rabbit."

Jasper stalked through the trees moving closer to the edge. "When I hunt humans, I sometimes use sex. Did you know this?"

"No."

"I make it a game. If they are willing to let me touch them, they become my meal."

And he always got his meal. "It's not a fair game. You have the advantage. Just look at yourself."

"Good point. Does that apply to Edward? Do you love him, or do you want him?"

"You already know the answer to that."

"You wanted to sleep with him, but commitment scared you away. It seems to be a pattern with you, doesn't it? We get close. You put up obstacles."

I wasn't answering that. More important matters were at hand. Jasper was going to be seen. Kim knew the Cullens were vampires. She would recognize him for what he was and know what he intended.

"You're moving too close. She'll see you."

He ignored my warning and moved ever closer to the girl who didn't know she was now prey.

I pulled on Jasper's arm. "Stop. Turn around and look at me."

Thankfully, he listened. His fiendish smile sent a shock through me. "Offering me something better?"

I backed away from him. "Not today. I still have four weeks."

"Would you like to hear what I would do with the lovely Angela?" Jasper stalked me with a slow prowl. "She would see me and be intrigued. A simple smile would have her following me."

He looked around at our surroundings. "I would have to get her alone. Somewhere no one would see or hear her."

I tripped and lost my balance, catching myself on a tree. Any other time, I would have ended up with a scratched, bloody hand. Luckily, I got away with a slightly scrapped palm and no blood.

Jasper took four steps and was on me. He turned me so that I was facing away from him. One of his arms held me securely by the waist while his free hand reached for my wounded one. It might not have been bleeding, but the smell of an injury would still attract a predator.

He forced my hand open and brought it to his nose. "I would breathe in her alluring smell and whisper false words about her beauty as I guessed at the unique flavor she alone would possess."

He licked a line across my palm and groaned. I wasn't so sure blood mattered. I was starting to think he would bite me regardless. I forced out feelings of trust and friendship hoping it would wake him up.

"Don't lie to me," he growled before spinning me around to where I was facing him. "You tossed me aside the second I confessed to killing Jessica."

Not fair. "What was I supposed to do? Slap you on the back and tell you what a good job you did?"

"It was a test, and you failed."

"Of course, I failed. How can I pass when my teacher doesn't see that eating the books is counterproductive?"

He pulled me in closer to him. "Stop relegating me to a temporary role in your life when we both know it isn't the case. I'm not just your teacher."

No shit, he wasn't just my teacher. He was – well – I didn't know what he was.

Crazy. Unpredictable. Intimidating. Honest. Unique. Frightening.

He was Jasper, and I was looking right at him and felt no different than I had before this happened. The blood had washed off his clothes and out of his hair. It would fade from his eyes. It was a temporary presence on a permanent fixture. That was what Jasper was. He was permanent in my life.

_No. Stop thinking like that. _"Go away. Kill someone else's friends. Leave the state. I don't care. Just stay away from me."

"Jessica wasn't your friend. You didn't even like her."

"That's not the point, and you know it."

"She hardly suffered. Her last weeks were the most enjoyable of her life. Trust me, I felt it and heard it."

Images bombarded me. They were all on account of the lust he threw at me.

"You seduced her and then killed her," I accused.

"I have a mate. She's a pretty girl with flushed cheeks and a blind need to drive me crazy. Jessica was a gift for a friend of mine."

The first part was brilliant and made my heart sing. The second made the happy sounds die and the horror trickle back into my veins. "In what universe, is it okay to give people away as gifts? It's called human trafficking."

"You don't live in my universe. You live in the land of pink ponies and bullshit where vampires all hunt animals. I kill. Edward. Emmett. Alice. Rosalie. We have all killed."

"But they don't kidnap people and give them to their friends."

Jasper gave me a nasty look. "No, they just sit by and let me do it. But they're still good, and I'm evil, right?"

The supporting hold he had on me left when he abruptly turned to leave. I staggered back and landed against a tree.

"Jasper, wait."

"What?" he bellowed out at me.

Agitation and contempt were flooding out of him. His emotions weren't directed at me, but damn, he was intimidating when he was upset.

I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself hoping it would rub off on him. "Explain what you meant by that. All I want is the truth."

"Before they left, the family saw my eyes. They smelled the blood, and they recognized Jessica's scent. Not one of them spoke out against my actions, and when you see them again, not one will reveal to you what I did."

Of course, they wouldn't. "They are your family. They owe their loyalty to you. It's the same as it is with us. I will always defend you and be on your side. It just might take me a few days to get over the blood."

"Don't lie. You're the same as them. And it's not loyalty that motivates them, Bella. It's cowardice. I've never understood why others fear them so much when they are capable of so little."

"Fighting isn't always the answer. They understand that. You don't."

Jasper spun us in a completely different direction. "You've changed your mind about me, right? You've decided to align yourself with the Cullens or stay human?"

I hadn't said that at all. "No, I -"

"Go ahead. Try to end us. I won't let you."

Was this another lesson? It had to be. "You're the one always telling me to make choices for myself. You can't change that now."

"I also told you hypocrisy is inevitable. Do I believe in free will? Yes. Do I believe this should be up to you? Yes, but that doesn't mean I won't turn you against your will to keep you with me."

It dawned on me that this was my final exam. He was always on me about following my own path. This was a test to see how far he could push me. I failed my last lesson. I would not disappoint him this time.

"I'll do whatever I want whether that means dying to be with you, staying with the Cullens, or remaining human. It's my decision."

Jasper applied more pressure. "There is no human life for you, Bella. If you don't change, others of my kind will come for you. The family and the wolves will fight to protect you, and they will lose."

"You don't know that."

"Yes, I do. Because I'll be the one leading the fight against them. I killed thousands to save a sister I barely remembered. How many would I kill to get to you?"

None. "It goes against everything you've taught me. You fight for yourself, and you've made it more than plain that you will never risk your life for someone else. That includes me."

His eyes turned sharp. "We all make exceptions. You're mine. There is no changing your mind, Bella. You will keep every promise you made to me if I have to force you to do it."

My defiant nature took a stand. "No one tells me what to do. Not you. Not Edward. Not anybody."

Murder coated his features and polluted his eyes. It lasted barely a blink's worth of time before being smothered by cool detachment. "You have one month left. Enjoy it."

I watched his departure. He kept a human pace. I could have caught up easily if I had tried. Twice my feet moved restlessly, but both times, I stomped them down hard into the dirt. The second I moved or gave in he would tell me I failed. I refused to let that happen. I would not give him a reason to call me disappointing again. This was my final exam, and goddammit, I passed.

Each second took him further away from me until he was finally gone. When several minutes went by, I finally called out his name. Jasper never returned. Even with his absence, my faith in him never wavered. My side was his side and vice versa. Nothing would change that.

What I didn't know was that this was no test, and he meant every word he said. Even if I decided to live, Jasper wouldn't let me.

* * *

**Author's Note: ****_Update soon_**** and **_I'm waiting_** do not inspire me to post a new chapter. If you want a story that posts on your schedule, pull the fingers out of your panties and get to typing.  
**

******To everyone else, thanks for reading and sticking with the story.  
**

******-Cris**


	18. Chapter 18 His Creation

**Conversations with My Killer**  
Chapter 18 - His Creation

I was no longer able to look at people without seeing them as food. Skinny girls were salads, as well they should be. Old people made me think of the goat stew my grandfather made every year on Easter Sunday. He was the mean bastard that showed me how to punish people through silence. If he were alive today, I would make him my first meal.

A well-formed young man like Jacob was a main course. All those muscles just begged a person to chew on them. He was ribs with a healthy dose of barbecue sauce. Those wolf boys were made for thirsty girls.

Dessert was easy. Children were full of sugar and spice. During the summer, they were cake batter ice cream. On a winter's day, they were hot apple pie and two large dollops of cream.

This was what was going through my mind as I observed the people in the park. They were items on a menu I perused a month in advance. Jasper's influence brought about wide-ranging changes in me. This was only one of them. Another was my attitude toward people I didn't like. I was always the quiet girl who kept her feelings to herself. I didn't want to offend anyone or risk hurting someone's feelings. This wasn't a concern for me now.

The best example was Lauren Mallory. She was the biggest bitch I knew. She also never missed an opportunity to try to make me feel less than her. Today was no different.

Her butter puffed hindquarters hit the top of the picnic table with a smack. She hadn't waited for freshman year to add fifteen pounds. Good for her.

"How have _you _been, Bella Swwaannn?" she asked, dragging out my last name with an obnoxious twang.

"Like syrup on pancakes, I run everywhere."

This wasn't a jab at her obvious need for exercise. I actually did run more these days. It started the afternoon with Jasper. When he didn't return, I ran through the trees trying to find him and didn't stop until my lungs were on fire and my sides split from the inside. I liked that it hurt me. Soon nothing would, which made me want to run all the more.

Lauren wasn't so keen on my new activity. "You smell."

She was Jasper with a bad haircut and a wide ass. "Thanks, peaches. I'll be sure to think of you when I shower."

"Peaches?"

"Absolutely. They're best when plump and ripe. You bite into them and juice squirts on your cheeks. I like peaches, and you are a very ripe peach."

I was thinking about her tasting fruity, but she thought I was hitting on her. Apparently, I was not her type. "I always knew you were a freak."

"You have no idea," I muttered under my breath.

"What was that you said?"

Nothing she needed to know. "Is there something you want?"

Lauren pursed her pink lips together. I immediately thought of those cardboard princesses from animated movies. If she broke into song with a monkey dancing at her side, my human life would be complete.

"I saw you from my house and thought I'd say hello."

Which jerk stamped stupid on my forehead?There was no way I was falling for her crap. She was not a sweet person. The whole point of her dragging out my last name was to point out it was still Swan and not Cullen. She wanted gossip. It was all she ever wanted.

The nosy bitch was kind enough to prove my point. "When is the wedding of the century? No one's heard a date."

Only one date was seared into my brain, and it wasn't my wedding. I had half a notion to fetch my wedding dress and burn it. The idea played in my head along with the soothing sounds of industrial metal. Now that I thought about it, did my human death warrant formal attire? It seemed like it should. Charcoal gray was my first choice. Black was too obvious. Red was too garish.

"You're not like you were before," Lauren observed.

No shit. "It's the wings. I can fly now."

"You are so random."

"And you're thick in the head if you expect me to pretend we're friends. Why don't you go find Jessica? Her pieces are rotting under a tree somewhere east of here."

She called me a bitch, but the word came out in a squeak, which made it more funny than insulting. I laughed. She cried. Mean me. Oversensitive her.

I wasn't mean to everyone. Angela never started rumors about me or anyone else for that matter. Being cruel to her would be as tacky as slapping a teddy bear. She was a good girl and deserved to have her kindness and sincerity reciprocated. I was doing just that when I invited her out to lunch with me.

She was perusing the menu with the eyes of a girl with graduation money to spend. "Today's my treat," she offered.

"I invited you. I pay."

We went back and forth before using a coin flip to decide. I won – or lost depending on a person's way of looking at things. Either way, lunch was on me, and boy did it feel good to have a normal person to talk to for a change. She wasn't like Jasper, who used our conversations to meticulously strip me of every belief and truth I once held.

Killing no longer felt wrong. It was an acceptable choice in a world dominated by false empathy. My friends were food. The Cullens were strangers. My mother was a distant memory. My love for Edward had faded to ambivalence. My relationship with Charlie was a lie. Jasper and his unique way of looking at the world became my truth.

The obvious problem with that was my inability to form my own truths. I pushed the stray thought to the back of my head. It was easier than acknowledging just how lost I had become in the last several weeks.

"Are you all packed for college?" I asked.

Her excitement almost had her doing flips. "Not even close. I did go shopping last week for my dorm. I found some posters you have to see."

"Puppies?" I knew she loved dogs.

"Didn't you hear? I'm a big girl now. I've moved on to Marxist revolutionaries."

Yuck. "Hold me back from partaking in the freshman Kool-aid."

She smiled big. "They mix it with the water. It's as unavoidable as apathetic genius dropouts."

"Don't forget bible thumpers that end their first semester with an open legs policy."

She lifted her glass. "To stereotypes."

"And cheap posters," I said when our glasses clinked together.

I wanted my college years to be with Angela. We weren't even best friends, but we should have been. If not for Edward, we would have been.

No, not him. This was all on me.

A great and terrible idea crossed my mind. What if Jasper changed Angela for me? He would if I asked. All it would take was a simple request. He would take her from the arms of her family and deliver her to me as a gift. She would be wrapped in red ribbons and winter white paper. I would have my mate, my friend, and a less lonely journey through a dark world.

Imagining her as a vampire was all too easy. The venom would sculpt her slim frame into an athlete's body and hone her quiet personality into that of a lioness. Together we would give Jasper fits as he struggled to control us both.

As tempting as the idea was, I knew it was only a fantasy. She was my friend, and I would never force death on her or anyone else I loved.

Why then did I hear my voice take on an alluring tone? "Do you have room for dessert?"

She ordered the chocolate cake, just like I hoped. When she took the first bite, a warm feeling spread from my throat down to my belly. This vampire thing wouldn't be such a hard adjustment after all.

**

* * *

**

Another day without Jasper. It was becoming difficult to hold it together. His absence shouldn't have me crying in corners or counting out pills. If a few days apart were enough to render me stupid, we would have a very rough life together. He was someone who needed his freedom. There would be times when he left for days and possibly even weeks at a time. I needed to accept this.

In an attempt to keep my emotions on a steady keel, I put all my attention on doing everything I could think of to keep my memories intact. I finished putting together a couple of photo albums and made sure to include the details behind the pictures. It was fun pulling old stories out of Charlie. I hoped to do the same with my mom.

I was putting all the pieces in place for the end of my human story. I checked off interactions I deemed necessary evils. I withdrew my savings from the bank. The few belongings I wanted to take with me were packed up and stacked to one side of my room.

There was just one tiny chore I kept putting off. I needed to bite the bullet and collect my things from Edward's room. The last time I sneaked across that particular threshold my wedding dress spit beading at me. Some smart person needed to make a disaster movie about a towering, corporeal wedding dress. It could go around stomping those of us with a hatred for lace, floral accents, and froth that wasn't in a glass.

_Slide me an ale, you biddable bride. _

I stopped in front of Edward's door and tried to muster the courage to enter. He wasn't here. It shouldn't be this hard.

_Just do it. Ten. Nine. _

The countdown was in motion. I turned the doorknob when the numbers ran out. The room smelled so sweet my feet should have stuck to the floor. The man was candied popcorn and carbonated beverages. I wanted Australian licorice and shots of hell's nectar.

I didn't take a grand tour of the room or reminisce about better days. I stacked my books in a box, grabbed my clothes, and got the hell out of there. Edward's room was his sanctuary. As much as I pissed and moaned about him, there was still a trace of love left over from the past. I thought too much of him to invade his space by hanging around where I didn't belong.

Jasper's room, on the other hand, was fair game. As luck would have it, I found my long, lean man stretched out on his bed writing in his journal. We had been apart for days, but I didn't get a greeting or even a nod of acknowledgment. There was no need to ask why. He was mad about our last conversation. It was no lesson, and I was a fool for believing it had been.

I needed to do some repair work on us. The sour expression on his face challenged me to make him smile. If I could do that, all would be right again. The trick was coming up with something he wouldn't expect. I let his appearance guide the way.

His rawboned features had a robust coloring to them. It told me he fed recently, probably within the last couple hours. A closer inspection revealed his hair was still damp from taking a shower. All total, he made a very inspiring picture. Invigorating even.

"If you were shirtless and wearing reading glasses, it would fulfill about half of my fantasies."

_Oh Mr. Professor, do you grade on a curve? I've got one running from my hip to my ribs that needs your attention._

The pen stopped moving. "Reading glasses?"

"What can I say? Presbyopia gets me hot."

There was a teeny tiny hint of a smile on his pretty lips. "That could spell trouble."

Loads of trouble. "Have you ever been thrown out of a retirement home butt naked? It's embarrassing."

"Gerontophilia does explain your romantic history."

That one lost me. "Don't throw big words at a small mind."

"Pay attention to context. You'll discern the meaning quick enough."

I'd do that right after my brain came back from its vacation. Seeing him smile again had me skipping along a cracked brick road and pulling the wings off butterflies. Unicorns could go frolic in someone else's fantasies. The only mythical creature I needed had ink smudged fingers and bright red irises.

Damn, he was fun to look at. "Your eyes are the same color as Dorothy's slippers."

The glow of a fond memory lit his face. "Can you believe I saw the movie during its first theatrical run?"

Of course he did. Knowing Jasper, he probably shook hands with Judy Garland and pulled on the Cowardly Lion's tail. "What was it like?"

"It left me speechless. It was one of those rare moments when the present caught up to the future. Some were afraid. Others marveled. Most were a combination of the two. It was an interesting time."

"Why were they afraid?"

He closed his journal and set it to the side. "Not everyone embraces change. Those that do walk ahead of the rest."

And the best of them would still walk a mile behind him. "I missed you."

"I know."

Our record player scratched to a stop. He _knew _I missed him. What about missing me? Two words chipped away at the fragile ground beneath me. I had been holding firm to my belief that any issues between us were minor. They weren't.

Why was everything one-sided? Nothing was equal between us. He was the teacher. I was the student. His thoughts and opinions replaced my own. His schedule dictated mine. His world. Not mine. He hadn't even called to tell me he was back in town.

A bundle of emotions swept through me. None of them were good. I tried pushing them away, but they were too strong. I needed to walk this off. I needed to think. I set my box of stuff on the floor. I wandered in and out of the bathroom. I checked out the closet. I did anything I could think of that would keep me from looking at or talking to Jasper.

The empath pointed out my issue. "You're confused, nervous, and something else I can't pin down."

"Yep."

"Why?"

His crazy brain. My overly sensitive heart. His pretty self. A single look at him would have me forgetting everything I knew was wrong. He would lure me in with another one of his smiles that always felt like a gift. They were the currency in our relationship, and all our gold was stamped with his image.

I made the mistake of taking a peek at him. Jasper captured my heart with a grin and turned me gooey and stupid.

I babbled like the fool I didn't want to be. "This lighting does really lovely things to your skin tone. I can't decide if I should look at you, think about you, talk to you, or touch you. Doing all four at the same time sounds fun, but I suck at multi-tasking."

A bigger grin. He patted the bed. "Come here, and I'll help you work on that."

_Stop looking at me. I can't think when you smile or talk. Give me my brain back._

I averted my eyes. "Nope. Proximity does not lead to sanity. Space is good. Blindness is better."

"Says a girl with 20/20 vision."

Thanks to him, my vision was no longer what it used to be. He was my _Wizard of Oz_. Splashes of color painted the scenery in ways I never considered while large areas were covered in varying shades of gray. With Jasper, change was mandatory. Fear and awe were unavoidable.

It was a constant struggle trying to earn his approval. Because of this, my colors were beginning to match his. It had been the same with Edward. I became what I thought they wanted. A doormat for one. A selectively defiant fruitcake for the other.

Where Edward clung tightly to what little of his humanity remained, Jasper was an animal that killed without remorse or sympathy. He was radioactive, and the changes he wrought in me were unnatural and perverse. I wanted him to kill Angela. Was Charlie next? Renee? Where would it stop? How many would we kill?

I took a good hard look at myself and didn't recognize most of what I saw. Was there nothing of the real me left? I didn't think so. Had I been a classic car, my numbers wouldn't match. Sure I still had value, but I wasn't at my best. My car had been wrecked, and the damaged parts were replaced with scraps.

Jasper was my trusted mechanic, and I let him decide what was worth keeping and what needed replacing or upgrading. His final act was to kill me. Once I was turned, I would be his creation and have no identity of my own. It was Edward all over again.

My throat tightened. Breathing hurt. My shoulders began to ache. I was fine a minute ago, but now distress was drying up my veins and collapsing my organs. I needed to get out of here. If I didn't, I would expire.

"Bella, you look unwell."

Excuses rushed out of me. "I need to get home. Panama needs to be walked. Charlie will want dinner."

"He can't cook his own?"

My neck was too stiff. It made nodding difficult. "I have to go."

A cool voice granted me temporary freedom. "Then I'll see you later tonight."

Truly? He was letting me leave. Why? Did he not know I wanted to run? Florida called, and everything in me wanted to be on the next plane out of Washington. Distance would give me perspective. I could lounge in the sun and let it cleanse me of the darkness the Cullens brought into my life. I needed my mom. I needed her to look me in the eyes and tell me I was still her daughter. I was still Bella. I wasn't a monster yet, and I wouldn't become one later.

Jasper's phone made a noise. He looked at the screen before turning his sharp eyes back to mine. It had to be Alice. She saw my decision. She knew I was going to run.

"Something you want to tell me?" he asked.

_Goodbye. _"I'll see you tonight."

"Will you?"

I wasn't sure_. Probably not. _"Of course."

He was trying to cipher my thoughts in an effort to have them explain my emotions. It wouldn't be easy with the truckload of crap I threw in his direction.

"Go then," he said.

It took more effort than it should to leave the room. I felt like I had mud weighing down my feet. My eyes became heavy. I was half sleep and fighting off a dream. The walls of the house formed teeth. I could feel them tearing at my skin as they closed around me.

Leaving seemed wrong, but instinct demanded I flee. Once out of his room, I was able to pick up the pace. By the time I reached the stairs, I was running. It was a pointless effort. Jasper wasn't the dangerous one here. I was. My weakness created this mess. Did he know? Was it what he intended from the beginning? I wasn't sure.

I sprinted out of the house and over to my truck. I threw the door open and slammed it closed. The long seconds it took to start the engine wore at my nerves. I had to escape this place before it swallowed me whole.

**

* * *

**

Running became staying. A mystery part of me was anchored to this town. I couldn't rally my instincts into action. Excuses ranged from needing to cook for Charlie to being here to take care of Panama. I was last on the list of priorities.

Dinner was a disaster. I cut myself while slicing onions. Mushrooms went in the trash after I cleaned them. I burned the chicken. I forgot to add butter to the sauce. The pasta was overcooked and gummy.

Jasper showed up after my culinary meltdown, but he made it in time to witness the aftereffects of one of my clumsier moments. His legs were the only parts of him I could see from my vantage point under the dining table. I was down here cleaning up a pitcher's worth of tea I spilled. It had drenched both the floor and Charlie. He was upstairs changing clothes.

"Are you going to stay under there all night?" Jasper asked when I didn't move.

_Why yes. Yes, I would. _

I didn't want to get up. The linoleum floor was honest. There were no sharp teeth or hidden agendas. You could look at it and know it was cheap and old. The stains were straightforward and honest. There were no invisible scars or mysteriously missing decades.

Jasper was a stranger in my life even when I knew some of his worst deeds. Why did he leave out details from the time between when he left Maria and when he found the Cullens? Other than the fact that he killed Peter and Charlotte, I knew almost nothing.

The legs moved. Jasper sat in the chair furthest from where I was crouched. "You cut yourself. I can still smell the blood."

It had been over an hour ago. I once read that sharks could smell blood from a mile away. I didn't know if it was true or not, but it did make me wonder about vampires.

The topic was a good diversion for me. "What's your sense of smell like when you're underwater?"

There was a long pause before he answered. "It's negated completely. Why?"

So he wasn't as all powerful as I believed him to be. "Just curious."

Charlie returned. If he was surprised to see Jasper, it didn't show in his voice. "You missed dinner. Black chicken and trashcan fungi."

Oh boohoo. It hadn't killed him. Was it too much for him to show a little appreciation for my efforts? Dinner might have sucked, but at least I tried. When was the last time he cooked anything? One breakfast was all I remembered.

I crawled out from under the table and began cleaning the kitchen. My bad attitude had me rejecting the thankless chore. I had defended my caretaker tendencies several weeks ago, but now all I wanted to do was throw a wet dishcloth in Charlie's face. Stabbing him crossed my mind. I had a big knife not three feet away. Jasper could help me hide the body.

"Get me a beer, Bella."

Grrr. I slammed a spoon into the sink and stomped out of the kitchen. I was angry and on the brink of losing control. Neither of them cared nor noticed.

Once in my room, I hid in the closet with my knees pulled up to my chest and my head hung low. I was so frustrated and pissed off, and I didn't even know at what. Emotions that had been building for weeks were erupting out of me. I wanted to burn the planet and let it start anew. We needed fresh life around here instead of diseased creatures stirring up evil in my heart.

Humans were assholes. Vampires sucked. I couldn't fully identify with either of them, which left me stuck in limbo.

The only good thing was Panama. He loved me and never asked me to do anything but love him in return. He was the only one I wanted with me right now. When he scratched at the closet door, I let him in and wrapped my arms him. He rewarded me by licking my chin.

Minutes later, a brave soul opened my closet. "You okay?" Charlie asked.

"I'm fine," I answered with a sniffle. "I just need some quiet."

He left after giving me an awkward pat on the head. Panama got one, too. We both thought it was stupid.

Jasper showed up next. He wasn't nearly so nice. "What is wrong with you?"

A confession was needed. He deserved the truth. "I don't know who I am anymore. I think like you. People are food. I want to play God with the few that aren't. I'm pissy and mean. It isn't right. I'm not this person."

"Anything else?" His voice told me he was bored.

The lack of care wounded me. Just this once, I needed him to be kind to me. "Please don't be mean. Reassure me. Say something nice."

"I will not reward your breakdown with praise. Stand up, clean your face, and stop whining. You're stronger than this."

There were times when his rough methods were exactly what I needed to set me straight. This was not one of those times. If I could make him understand, he would see that.

"Jasper, I don't know if I can be with you and still be me. I want to, but I don't know how. Help me figure this out."

"Fix your own damn problems."

There was an easy fix. It required time and space. "I need more time then. I have to know this is right."

"I already told you there was no changing your mind."

So I should fix my problems but only in ways he approved. Hell no. "That is exactly the pro-"

He cut me off with harsh words. "Shut up about you for a minute. You're not the only one with shit going on right now. I have enough problems without worrying about you getting cold feet. Get over your bullshit, and accept that life isn't perfect."

Sure, I'd get right on that. "That's helpful. Thank you so much."

I was jerked to my feet and pulled out into the bedroom. "Don't be a brat."

My temper flared, and I got right up in his face. "Don't jerk me around like I wear a leash. I'm not one of your toys you can kill when you get angry."

"I don't do that."

Really? "Oh poor Jessica. She lost her arms because she wouldn't shut up."

"You would be wise to consider her fate before you speak again."

_Pish posh poo._ "I'm talking. Do you hear me? This is me talking," I harped in a steadily louder voice.

I waved my arms and continued my rant. "See these? They're still attached. Imagine that."

Jasper put his hands on my chest and very gently pushed me backwards. "Get away from me for a minute. I don't care where. Just get out of my sight."

Or what? He'd bite me? I was more scared of Santa Clause. "You're perfectly fine. You just don't like it when the prey bites back. How about you get over your own bullshit? Maybe then you'll see what's wrong here."

I was perilously close to pushing him too far. He was visibly shaking, and his eyes darkened from red to ebony. "Go to Florida. Go tonight. Go now. Right now, Bella."

In that moment, I would have gladly chosen death over the prospect of letting him have the last word. "You bet your ass I'm leaving, and you can get the hell out of my house."

**

* * *

**

I arrived in Jacksonville the next afternoon with no immediate plans to return to Washington. I wasn't sure if this was my attempt to outrun the hourglass or Jasper. Both would spell my end.

Time passed slowly. I spent most days sunbathing, reading, or shopping with my mom. Mornings were devoted to walking the beach with Panama. There was no debate about bringing him down here. I needed him happy and safe. Neither were guarantees if I left him home.

Two days after settling in, I got word from Charlie that the Cullens returned home. The town was a buzz with gossip saying they were packing up the house and preparing to leave for good. Carlisle had already left his position at the hospital. Emmett and Rosalie were spotted buying packing tape and bubble wrap. There was no word on Esme, but she always kept a low profile. Edward was seen once, but the witness was deemed unreliable by Charlie.

No one called me. I still hadn't replaced my cellphone, but they had Renee's number and could have called. To be fair, I could have called, too, but I didn't. As much as I enjoyed my time with the family, I was glad to be free of them. If anyone would understand, it was them. Their life was a curse, and they would gladly let me escape. At least, I hoped this was how they felt. It would mean they were the good people I once believed them to be before Jasper undermined my trust in them.

There was simplicity to life away from the Cullen family. No one was using visions of my future to decide if I should eat chicken or go to the mall. My head wasn't being turned by perfect male specimens with regrettable tendencies toward cannibalism. It should have been an enjoyable time for me.

It was hell.

Jasper haunted my every step. I saw him around corners and watching me from hotel balconies. He was a ghost in my life. His voice taunted me from the shadows of my nightmares and shouted at me from the waves of the ocean. A visit to a candy shop sent me into tears when I smelled licorice and cinnamon. I could not escape him for a single moment.

By the end of the second week, I was a shell of the girl who arrived. Coming here was supposed to make me stronger. I wanted to forget about the man I wanted and focus instead on what I needed. The problem was discovering that Jasper was what I needed. Him. His touch. His insane way of looking at the world. I missed him so completely I could barely make it from one day to the next.

I tried calling him but was unsuccessful. He never picked up when we were on good terms. It was no surprise that he didn't answer when we were fighting. It wasn't as if I planned on saying much. No apology would cross these lips. I wasn't the least bit sorry for standing up to him. He was probably proud of me for having done so, though I would never hear it from him.

The second week turned into the third and then the fourth. The last day of my human life came and went. From that day onward, I walked in a fog. The air around me was heavier than it should be. Renee blamed the humidity. I blamed my lungs. Like the rest of me, they anticipated a visitor. No one came.

"Go back to Forks. Please," my mom begged. "Give Edward another chance."

She didn't know about Jasper. Charlie hadn't mentioned him, and I couldn't bring myself to talk about him. My mom was in the dark about everything.

"Edward and I are done. I don't love him."

I pulled my sunglasses down over my eyes and reclined back in my chair. We were sitting out on the deck letting the sun fry our skin. I had always rolled my eyes at girls who spent hours burning themselves to a crisp all for the sake of some warped sense of beauty. This changed when I saw my pale skin and was reminded of someone else's.

After weeks of carefully timed sessions in the sun, I was no longer the same deathly pale girl. The change was the only positive thing I had to work with, and it wasn't even positive. It was self-destructive.

Renee tapped me on the side and pointed down to the beach. "You have some admirers."

I lifted my head and saw a group of men watching us. I was less than impressed. Not a one could leap tall buildings or give me an eyewitness account of the Civil War. They wouldn't challenge my definitions of good and evil or make me rethink my views on hypocrisy. They wouldn't make me think at all. After Jasper, no one would.

Without him, the world was boring and clean. I wanted it dirty and ugly again. What good was living out a human life if it was the equivalent of a coma? I wanted my Jasper back. Right now. Right fucking now.

_Shit. Don't cry. Please, don't cry. _"I don't want an admirer."

"If you were really over Edward, you would."

He wasn't even a blip on the radar screen buried deep in my chest. "What if I told you it wasn't him I needed to get over? What would you say to that?"

"I'd say pass around the margaritas and let's chat."

My mom. Damn. She once told me that the very best bad boys tasted like southern rock and cheap whiskey. According to her, their voices were trained to cause a burning sensation inches down from your zipper. I just hoped it was a condition that could be treated with a shot.

An hour later, I had her giggling over my modified history with Jasper. He was an avid duck hunter. Sort of. He played with me in the mud. In a G-rated Disney kind of way. He once dated a girl with a flapper dress fetish. Not true. Lizzie Borden was his ideal dinner companion. Probably true. I adored him in dark, deadly ways. Definitely true.

I showed her a picture of him I brought with me. Her eyes widened into saucers. "Sweet mother of Florida. What are you doing down here? Go get him."

"It's complicated."

"Girlfriend?"

I shook my head.

"Boyfriend?"

I frowned over that one. "Nope."

"Murderer?"

Had I just taken a drink, I would have choked. "Yes."

Renee laughed like I was joking. I wished I was.

When she saw I wasn't joining in with her, she went quiet. Unfortunately, the silence was brief. "You got it bad for him, don't you?"

"I only flew across country to get away from him. That's nothing, right?"

"That's running, and I raised you to be stronger than that."

She did, and it was the reason I was here. "Jasper isn't like other people, Mom. Running from him isn't really running. It's self-preservation."

"It doesn't matter why your feet move fast. It only matters that they are."

That was easy for her to say. "What if I told you he brainwashed me into believing that killing people could be a fun hobby?"

The strange question didn't cause any alarms to go up. She was as smiley now as she was a minute ago. "I've always felt little sympathy for the weak-minded. If he brainwashes you, it's only because you let him."

I let him alright. "What if he wants me to jump off a cliff with him? Should I go back and take the plunge?"

My mom poured me another glass and slid it over. "Only if he's worth the sacrifice. And who's to say he hasn't figured out a way to fly? You wouldn't want to miss that, would you?"

She was such a romantic fool. It was one of her more endearing qualities. "Maybe, I don't want to fly."

It was all I wanted to do but only if it was with him. I looked up at the sun and smiled. Jasper would love this place. I missed our beach. I should be there with him and Panama. We could lie out in the sun after playing in the waves.

"He likes the smell of the sun on my skin. It's silly, right?"

Renee pushed my hair behind my ears and pinched my earlobe. "It's love, sweetie."

Love wasn't the problem. Everything that came with it was. "I don't understand how you can love someone without letting them take over everything. I did it with Edward, and I did it with Jasper. I suck at relationships."

"No, you suck at trying. Even as a child, you would always give up if something required effort. It's really too bad because there is no task beyond your capabilities."

**

* * *

**

Packing tape zipped sharply in the air. My mom was helping me box up my new clothes. We were shipping them back to Forks, where I would soon arrive with a new tan and a better attitude.

I wasn't due to depart until tomorrow, and this was the last step before I headed out. My bags were mostly ready to go. Panama's crate was loaded in my mom's van. The ticket was purchased. Charlie knew to pick me up tomorrow afternoon. All was well, until we went to dinner.

My step-dad, Phil, made reservations with a French restaurant my mother had been hinting to him about for months. It was a surprise he hoped would cheer her up. It wasn't even the idea of me leaving that had her upset. She was depressed because I wouldn't promise to give Jasper a chance. She was firmly on the side of love. I was firmly on the side of seeing him first and making an informed decision about us second.

She had been driving me nuts with her comments on the mistakes of not following one's heart. It was half of the reason why I was returning to Washington. The woman would not let up. The other half was Charlie. I missed him horribly. A small part barely worth mentioning was the magnetic field of the Earth pulling me back to the north. It knew I needed to see Jasper even when I was arguing that I didn't.

After Renee's third comment about star-crossed love, I excused myself from the table and went to hide for a minute. Tomorrow would not come soon enough.

I was so preoccupied I didn't see the mountain of a man walking in my direction. He bumped into me knocking me hard against a wall.

I heard his voice before I saw his face. "My apologies, Isabella."

His sweet smell caused me to freeze. Vampire. I was too frightened to make a sound or try to escape. The man clamped a large hand around my arm and dragged me out a side door into a darkened alley.

We barely made it out of the building when a flash of something small collided with the giant. The heavy clap of thunder their collision created was accompanied by lightning.

Its name was Alice.

* * *

**Author's Note: The hiatus is over. It's been a while since I last updated, a long while, but the break was good and much needed.  
**

**Thanks to everyone for reading, and another thanks to anyone who leaves a review. ****I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. I'll have another one out next week.  
**

**- Cris  
**


	19. Chapter 19 Goodbyes

**Conversations with My Killer**  
Chapter 19 - Goodbyes

_I was so preoccupied I didn't see the mountain of a man walking in my direction. He bumped into me knocking me hard against a wall. _

_I heard his voice before I saw his face. "My apologies, Isabella."_

_His sweet smell caused me to freeze. Vampire. I was too frightened to make a sound or try to escape. The man clamped a large hand around my arm and dragged me out a side door into a darkened alley. _

_We had no more made it out of the building than a flash of something small collided with the giant. The heavy clap of thunder their collision created was accompanied by lightning. _

_Its name was Alice. _

**

* * *

**

Alice landed on her feet and looked back at me for a brief second before jumping back from the man reaching for her. For several minutes, they danced in and out of the air clawing at each other and whipping around so quickly I could barely make them out.

Their fight ended when the sound of laughter came from around the side of the building. All action paused as they waited for the people to move on. Alice slowly put distance between her and the giant until she was standing just in front of me.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

I was mostly good if one discounted the man thirty feet away who rivaled Emmett in height and build. He was massive, and he tried to abduct me. No biggie.

The people down from us weren't leaving. I was never so glad for loiterers. We should all mingle in the dark where we weren't wanted. It made the world safer and more dangerous all at the same time.

_Think about something else. _Alice. How did she fight like that in leather pants and high heels? That shit shouldn't work. There wasn't enough venom in the collective vampire world to make me move like her. She was a snake, a tiger, and a dancer all at the same time. I'd probably end up as a duck, a cow, and a plumber. I'd waddle, chew cud, and suffer from unfortunate wardrobe malfunctions. None were graceful or threatening.

"Bella, you okay back there?"

"Huh?" Oh yeah, death and a big monster. "I'm good."

It took Jasper years to beat Alice, which told me this man didn't stand a chance against her. Score one for tightly packaged women. The one in front of me could fit in a suitcase.

"You should have brought more friends, buddy. Alice here could kick your butt and theirs while I pop Skittles and cheer."

Alice choked back a laugh. Monster man gleamed like a fresh new coin. He seemed – dare I say – friendly and maybe even a touch proud. Whatever it was he felt, it didn't match the occasion.

"Read the rulebook on kidnapping next time," I suggested. "You bad guy. Me victim. Her ass kicker."

His shark mouth widened into a smile to match his frame. "You got two out of three right."

Where did I go wrong? I thought I had it nailed. "You are alone, right? Because it'll suck if you're waiting around for backup."

Alice provided the answer. "He's not alone, but his partner isn't a threat. Felix is the brawn. The other is the brains."

Well, the other one had a shit plan. If we examined his brain, it would probably be as smooth as a bowling ball. All things considered, the more I was exposed to vampires the less impressed I was. Jasper couldn't get his head to work, and mystery meat apparently wasn't any better.

Alice addressed the stranger before I could dig a deeper hole with my mouth or my mind. "Leave and I won't tell him you were here."

"He should fear us."

She pulled out her phone. "I'll call and ask if he does."

Felix's nerve held out longer than mine would have. If Jasper was the dreaded _he_, this man was screwed.

"Witch," he snarled.

"Mercenary," Alice countered.

Before taking his leave of us, he bowed to the small girl and winked at me. The man had a unique charm to him. It was a shame about his criminal tendencies.

"Who was that?" I asked once he disappeared.

"Felix."

I knew that much. "What does he want with me?"

"Him specifically? Nothing. He saw an opportunity and took it. That's all."

Not good enough. "I should call Jasper. He'll want to know what happened."

Alice grabbed me by the arms and shook me. "No. It is imperative you do not tell him what happened. You never saw that man."

Oh, I saw him alright. He was impossible to miss, and the girl in front of me was impossible to trust. I got the distinct impression she was playing both sides. She wanted to keep the Cullens' trust and also work with Jasper behind the scenes. Her true motives were a mystery to me, just like everyone else's. She may have helped me tonight, but it didn't mean I could trust her.

I also couldn't ignore her request. Even if she did play both sides, I knew she loved her family and would never risk any of them. If she wanted Jasper in the dark, there was a good reason.

Besides, I had other concerns. "How did Felix find out about me?"

"Blame Jasper. The fool advertises the fact that he has a human companion. He stopped drinking from the test kitchen. Your scent hugs his clothing. He refuses to take off that ring he stole from you. He's been very careless."

A test kitchen? What could they possibly do in there? Please let it be waffles.

Alice continued her rant. "And don't even get me started on Wayne. Jasper should have burned the body. It was sloppy and just plain rude to leave it on the table. Do you know it took me a week to get the smell out of the dining room? We had to move our meetings outside. It's rude I tell you. Rude."

Yeah. Yeah. Whatever. "Can you circle your wagon back to Felix and his partner? Jasper isn't the problem tonight."

"He's the problem every night. In the last month, we've lost four recruits and a pet raccoon."

The fuck? How was I supposed to take vampires seriously when they kept pet raccoons? Nothing about them said razor sharp teeth or a hellish diet to me. Then again, those nasty beasts did eat out of trashcans, which was far less palatable than drinking from a tall man with sculpted muscles and a healthy love for steak.

Alice eyes darted in the direction of the door. "I need to go. Your mother is searching for you. In three minutes, she'll make a scene and call the police."

"You can't leave. I need more information. Are there others I should worry about?"

"Only if you miss your flight. Jasper promised you would be changed by now. If you don't follow through, you'll be killed to protect our secret."

That got my attention. "By whom? When?"

"I don't have time to explain everything. You're a smart girl. Figure it out."

I wasn't letting Alice leave without giving me an answer. "Is he in trouble because of me?"

"Long story short, yes. If you really care about him, you'll make your flight and fix this mess before Felix or someone else decides to fix it their way."

The grim gypsy walked off into the night leaving me with what I hoped were enough clues to make everything finally come together.

**

* * *

**

To say my short time with Alice was eye opening would be an understatement. Sure there was the excitement of having a lumberjack with a strange accent try to kidnap me, but Felix was only an amusing, though frightening, side dish. The lesson I learned last night was just how little I knew about Jasper.

He had a life I knew nothing about. Test kitchens, raccoons, recruits, and Volturi. Yep, I said it. Volturi. They were the only ones worth considering. It was their rules that were broken. Felix was probably part of the network assigned to maintain order in this region of the world.

As for why he didn't push the issue too hard once Alice showed, all I could come up with was that Jasper was important to them, and Felix believed it was better to keep the peace than incite a fight.

The only part that left me confused was figuring out how Jasper was connected to them. He told me he didn't work for the Volturi, but I wouldn't be surprised if he occasionally contracted out his services. His fighting ability alone would make him a desirable ally. That he was an empath only added to his value.

They probably granted him some leeway with me just for the sake of keeping him on their side. When the date of my death came and went, their patience ran thin. I couldn't take all the blame for our situation. Jasper didn't exactly volunteer any information. I wasn't sure why he didn't. Maybe he was trying to protect me, or he didn't want me influenced by pressure from unknown parties.

In the end, his reasons weren't all that important right now. The only thing that mattered was my days were numbered in the single digits whether I stayed in Florida or returned to Washington. I could run, but doing so would further aggravate the situation. I cared too much for Jasper to leave him alone to suffer the consequences.

**

* * *

**

Breakfast this morning started out fine, but senseless yapping was about to start a war. Phil left early for baseball practice, which left me alone with Renee. She was trying hard to put on a happy face but failed. I couldn't muster much in the way of sympathy.

When it came to my mother, the truth was ugly. I resented her. I came here looking for a way to escape, and when I finally did tell her part of my troubles, she sang the praises of love. What happened to putting me above everything else? How could she miss how much I changed and how scared I was?

"I don't want to think of you all alone up there, baby. Give Jasper a chance."

I told her he was a murderer. I told her I ran away to save myself from him. She didn't hear me. She encouraged me to jump off cliffs with him and hope he knew how to fly. Well pardon me, dear Mother, but putting all my faith in a man without wings didn't sound like a great idea in that situation.

In her eyes, love conquered all. Hearing this from a divorced woman who shacked up with three other men before finally marrying Phil made it impossible for me to buy into her bullshit. Love didn't conquer anything, and it sure as fuck couldn't catch you when you fell.

"If I'm losing you to someone, I'm glad it's for love."

Enough. I slammed my bowl against the table. "Could you shut up? Jasper isn't what you think he is. He's not back home hugging Care Bears and writing sonnets in my honor."

Renee blinked and blinked again. "I didn't say he was."

"You didn't say anything helpful. Parent me for a change. Ask me why I ran from him. Consider for a moment that I don't know what the hell I'm doing and that I might need your help."

Her mouth moved. She stuttered over a few words, none were intelligible. I shocked her senseless. It never took much. It was easier for her to believe I was fully capable of handling everything because then she didn't have to try to be anything more than my friend. Well, I needed a mom for a change. I wanted someone who heard my pain even when it didn't match the words coming out of my mouth.

"Bella, did he hurt you? Are you afraid of him?"

Both were valid questions. Both came too late. "It doesn't matter. Nothing does."

Renee sat speechless and immobile in her chair while I got up from the table and deposited my bowl and spoon in the sink. She could clean the dishes. It was the only mess of mine she could handle.

I went to my room and sat on the bed with Panama. He licked at my face and whimpered. I think he knew what was coming even before I did. Dogs were like that. My life was an earthquake, and he registered the tremors before they reached the surface.

As much as I hated my mother's parenting skills, I was reasonably sure she could take care of my dog. He required love, food, water, and walks. An idiot couldn't screw that up.

"I have to do it, Pan. I can't take you home when I don't know what's going to happen."

Leaving him here was the only way I knew he would be safe. My dog would try to protect me from everyone, including Jasper, and he could be hurt in the process, probably killed. There were too many unknowns in Washington and risking Panama wasn't something I would do.

He whined and licked my hand. Leaving Renee wouldn't make me cry. Leaving him would slay me.

I tried to explain my reasons, but he was a dog. How much could get through that thick coat of fur? Not enough. It would never be enough. The bushy beast was better than any teddy bear or security blanket. I felt no shame in saying I loved him more than anything. You could give yourself to a dog and know he would guard your secrets and your life.

I made him a promise. "When I know it's okay, I'll come back for you. I swear."

Another whine. He swatted me with one of his front paws. I couldn't look at him. I had to keep my head straight.

Okay, think. My bags were packed.

Baggage. Unnecessary.

Life was too short to carry a heavy load you didn't need. Outside of the obvious necessities to get me on the plane and a small selection of clothes, all I needed were my journal and photo albums. My life was in those books. Their secrets and stories held the key to my memory.

I called a taxi to pick me up. It wasn't the original plan, but I had to do it. Renee would thank me later. She didn't even bother learning my flight number or time of departure. She wanted to wave at me, say her goodbyes, and go on with life. Not having to take me to the airport would make her day brighter by leaps and bounds. No sense bothering with the inconvenient daughter. Her problems required thought and interest. We couldn't have that.

There was a knock on my bedroom door. "I called your father. He didn't answer."

Charlie hadn't answered when I called him either. This wasn't unusual. He was probably interviewing someone or dealing with other police business. The town wasn't big, but his responsibilities were.

Renee refused to see beyond the inconveniences this caused for her. Rather than respect him for being the good man that he was, she was annoyed by his commitment to the people of a town she hated. Didn't Charlie know that the world revolved around his ex-wife?

I never let this bother me until now. How much had her insecurities bled into mine? How much stronger would I be if they hadn't? Everything was all about her, and I did the exact same thing. I wanted to knock her head into the wall. Just one hit would make her see reason. One single slap. She needed it, and I needed to do it.

I clasped my hands together hoping I could hold my temper in check. "Why did you call him?"

"I want to know about this boy. Who is Jasper? Why are you afraid of him?"

He was someone she would never understand. "You've got it wrong. I'm not afraid of him."

Renee put her mother britches on and took an interest. "You're not leaving until I know more about him."

Funny. A human woman thought she could stop me. Even the vampires knew when to back the fuck off. "There isn't anything to say about him that you would understand."

"Listen to your words, Bella. You sound like every teenager on the planet. Your parents don't understand. No one listens."

No shit. "I am a teenager. I'm young and stupid. I think I know everything, and I make everything about me. This isn't news, and it shouldn't be a shocker that I'm lashing out when you piss me off."

She said the typical parent thing. "I'm your mother. You will not talk to me like that."

I'd do whatever the hell I wanted. Thanks to her limited guidance, I always had. "I don't make reality, but at least I live in it. You're pushing forty and sharing margaritas with your underage daughter. You don't listen when she talks or demand explanations when she disappears. When the time comes for you to step up to the plate, you strike out with empty platitudes and lazy parenting."

I wounded her. She covered her mouth with a hand and started crying again. It hurt me to hurt her, but I couldn't seem to stop. I was hurting. I was dying. I was gone. She didn't see it. No one did.

No one but him. If Jasper was here, he would steer me out of the room and guide me to a dark corner where I could slow down my thoughts and let the anger fade. I could argue and shout at him as much as I wanted, but when my temper was directed elsewhere, he calmed me.

There were a great many things he did for me that I never noticed. I latched on to him so quickly and easily because he cared enough to guide me somewhere. He didn't let me wander aimlessly. He pointed out a path and walked it with me. When I didn't like where it led me, he didn't say I was wrong. He helped me find a new place to walk.

It was my own fault I let it go too far. I relied too much on him and expected him to tell me to stop. How would he know when to do that or even that he needed to? Jasper didn't have a window into my mind. He didn't know how much his opinions began to become my own. I was the guilty one here. I stole from him, and then punished him after I realized I didn't like everything I took.

I didn't know what I would find when I returned to Forks. He would either be there or be gone. If I did see him, I would tell him what went wrong and why it sent me running. This time I wouldn't cry about it or ask for help. Jasper never promised to solve my problems. He only promised to stay with me while I solved them myself.

It took me until now to realize that I was my own worst enemy while he was my best ally. I wanted to strangle myself for all the times I begged him for answers and got angry when he didn't deliver. Why would he tell me anything when I was so phenomenally overwhelmed by my own problems? He probably did me a favor by not adding to them.

This didn't free him up on any of the blame. Damn, he could be a jerk. I really hoped he would find a way to balance his venomous tongue with an occasional kind word. Had he done that earlier, we would be miles ahead of where we were stuck right now. Seriously, would it kill the man to show me he cared in ways that didn't require his boot kicking me in the ass? I wanted some sign he loved me because I sure wasn't going to get it with words.

Enough thinking. I needed to get my butt in gear. My man was waiting on me, and I had to show him – but mostly myself – that I was ready for us. I could be strong like him, and in doing so, I could show him that being nice wasn't the same as being weak.

"I have to go. Take care of Panama for me. I'll come back for him when I can."

Renee grabbed my arm when I walked by her. "Don't go. You don't have to go. Let's talk about this. I need to know about this boy."

A boy? Not even close. "He's not a boy. He's terrible and beautiful. If you knew him, you would hate him. If you saw him, you would love him. Jasper isn't like anyone else you've ever known."

She was focused on what she thought was the problem. "But does he hurt you?"

Every time I saw him. He refused to reward me when I didn't deserve it or compliment me when he didn't mean it. On our best and worst days, he'd criticize me when he found fault and encourage me when he saw potential.

I said something about him. I couldn't say what. My mouth was full of paste, and the words clumped together. I didn't tell her that to me Jasper was an island. He stood separate from everyone, inaccessible and stark. How could I explain that he took pleasure in watching ships run aground with all hands lost? How could I make her understand that I loved him in spite of this?

"I don't like the way your eyes change when you talk about him," Renee observed in a trembling voice.

"I don't either. It's why I left him."

"Then why are you going back?"

In truth, it wasn't because of Felix and the Volturi. It wasn't because I wanted to sacrifice my life. It was because I didn't want a life without Jasper. If it meant we would fight for centuries, fine by me. Fighting with him was far better than half-loving someone else, not that that was possible. Most of the world was dead to me, and only Jasper remained. For us to work, it was how it should be.

My mom started crying again. She didn't know what to do. I was right there with her. We couldn't part like this. I loved her and she loved me. Mistakes had been made by both of us. I could let my pride keep me from saying what needed to be said, or I could be her little girl for just a few seconds again.

She hugged me close. I let her smell invade my senses. Mango scented body wash and shampoo. She ate citrus for breakfast and used cinnamon in her chocolate chip cookies. She loved painting birdhouses and singing in the shower. When I was seven, she talked to me about boys and why they pushed me down at the playground. She was my mom, and I would never see her again.

Renee didn't try to stop me when I left. She waved at me and sobbed. I didn't cry for her. I cried for Panama. He was barking and scratching at the front door demanding I take him with me. My sweet boy didn't believe me when I said I would come back for him. We both knew I never would.

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**Author's Note: I hated leaving this one shorter than usual. I even tried tacking on part of the next chapter, but it didn't work for me. There are some answers in this one that I didn't want to get lost in the mix. Also, I thought this chapter was complete as it was.  
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**Regardless of the length, I hope you enjoyed the update. I should have another chapter ready next week.  
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**Thanks for reading,  
Cris**


	20. Chapter 20 Gone

**Conversations with My Killer**  
Chapter 20 - Gone

Rain fell in buckets upon my arrival in Washington. The sky opened and delivered a flood to clash with the sunny weather I left behind in Florida. It only made sense. My life always turned gloomy once I crossed the borders of this cursed state.

Charlie wasn't here to pick me up. His replacement was a sunglass wearing vampire dressed in head to toe black who stood leaning against a pillar. Jasper failed epically at the art of maintaining a low profile. Necks belonging to both sexes were craned in his direction. One lady walked into a wall. Another tripped over her own feet. Her name was Bella.

He frowned at my moment of carelessness and shook his head. I wanted to go back in time and make a cooler entrance back into his world.

My father's designated replacement crooked a finger telling me to come over to him. A few unfortunate females mistook the gesture as being directed at them. They stopped in front of him, and he sighed heavily. Nothing irritated Jasper more than dealing with humans. I could feel his disdain from thirty feet away. A single word had them scurrying off to parts unknown.

I received a much more pleasant greeting. He lifted one of my wrists up to his nose and breathed in my scent. It was slightly embarrassing. People were staring.

Jasper closed his eyes and pressed his lips to my skin before releasing my arm. "Why are you brown?"

"Because you're pale."

He knew just what I meant by that. "It figures."

It was my turn to see something of him. "Show me your eyes."

Jasper removed his glasses. If possible, they were brighter red than the last time I saw them. There wasn't even a hint of brown to them. He hadn't killed one person. He drained several.

"Who was it this time? Angela? Lauren? Strangers?"

"Is it better to kill someone I don't know than someone I do know but don't like?"

Interesting question. "It's your dinner. Why should I decide?"

"It never stopped you in the past."

True, but those days were long gone. "Until I'm in your shoes, I can't judge. I was only curious is all."

"In that case, they were volunteers. One's resemblance to you was quite remarkable. It made the experience far more pleasurable."

He was already trying to stab at me. I smiled and tried to play it off like I didn't care. "Who would agree to such a thing? It's just sad."

Jasper sent me a mocking smile that made me want to bloody his lip. "As I said, her resemblance to you was remarkable."

He had a point. I was a volunteer of sorts just two short months ago. Now, I was a reluctant victim. And just what the heck was he doing here instead of Charlie? Couldn't he wait until I made it back to Forks before he bit me?

"Why are you here?"

"Charlie couldn't make the trip. Any other questions or can we get moving? This place smells like feet, and the lighting does your face a great disservice."

How nice. "I could put a bag over my head."

"The idea does have merit. I'll grant you that."

The open hostility in his tone was expected but unappreciated. "You're making me wish I stayed with my mom."

He took my bag and slung it over his shoulder. "It doesn't matter where you are. You do as much damage from afar as you do from a foot."

Phsst. "I know the feeling."

Not too long later, I was gawking at our transportation, a rather brazen looking red thing. I had no clue what this was. It was slick and beautiful, but it didn't match anyone's personality except Rosalie's. It also wouldn't have enough room for Panama's crate, which told me Alice warned Jasper of my decision. This explained his shitty mood.

Rather than bring up the touchy subject, I asked about the car. "Who does this belong to?"

"Edward planned on giving it to you after the wedding. It arrived while you were out of state."

It didn't fit me at all. "It's different."

"I warned him you wouldn't like it, but he didn't listen."

Edward never listened. "What is it?"

"A waste of money."

Jasper opened the passenger door for me and waited patiently for me to get in. I sat down inside and felt completely out of place. My grumpy companion joined me and started the engine.

"Why do you have it?" I asked.

"Edward and I have a habit of stealing from each other. It's a game we play."

If he was referring to me, I wasn't stolen. I left on my own accord, and I certainly wasn't in Jasper's possession. "How fast will this get us to Forks?"

"Did you really think you could come back here and find your life waiting the same as how you left it?"

I wasn't stupid. I knew it wouldn't be the same. "I had hoped you would be nice enough to let me say goodbye to Charlie."

"And when have I ever been nice to you?"

He had been, but ever since the night he showed up covered in blood, the nice words stopped. My reaction left him feeling betrayed, and he couldn't let it go. When I left, his feelings soured even more.

"It's not fair. You can't keep punishing me for being human."

"And yet, you punish me because I'm not."

There was no ignoring the truth in that statement. "You're right. I do."

Acknowledging that made for a pitiful olive branch. I needed to say more but wasn't sure if anything would make a dent in his armor. We were on opposite sides of the world now, and he didn't seem inclined to bridge the gap.

Our usual banter was missing and fake indifference took its place. We could have an entire argument without exchanging a single word. I hated how fast he drove the car. He sped up when he saw me brace myself on the dashboard. I sang along to the music. He switched to a comedy station. When I laughed, he found some bluegrass to stab me in the ears.

It was weak on both our parts. Had this been a knife fight, we wouldn't cut butter. We would bore it to death.

Jasper ended up taking me to the death house where we left the guy on the table. The dining room didn't have a dead body, but the day was still young. I really hoped he didn't lay me out like I was a turkey being served at Thanksgiving dinner. The thought of him and others carving me up made for a grizzly image. I knew it wouldn't happen, but it still had me cringing.

"Are you going to bite me tonight?"

He dropped my bag on the floor. "I haven't decided."

I wasn't sure if I believed him or not. He was the type of person to plan everything in advance. "Where are you going to put me?"

"In the ground."

This barb hurt far worse than the others. "If I don't survive, you'll hate yourself for saying that."

"Only because I hate digging."

I was trying to be good. Really really good. "Can we call a truce? I know you're mad, but I came back. It's what you wanted."

My words triggered an explosion. He turned on me and shouted in my face. "I wanted you, and you left. When you did finally return, you didn't bring Panama. Don't expect me to welcome you back like everything is okay."

_He's angry. Be nice. _"I'm not going to apologize about Panama. He's safer in Florida. As for leaving you, it was a mistake, but if you'll remember, you told me to go. This isn't all on me."

"I thought you would show some courage and stay even when it wasn't the easy choice to make."

I lacked courage? Seriously. "Do you think it was easy coming back here? I know what you're going to do to me. I also know I can't stop you, but I still came back."

"Should I clap for you? Just when you find your backbone, you decide to let me break it in half. That's not courage. It's stupidity."

Volturi. Jasper was under pressure. Volturi. This was their fault. He wasn't really like this.

Me. I pissed him off severely. Left him. Judged him. I needed to hold my tongue and be nice. "I shouldn't have left. I'm sorry."

"Sorry, spoiled, sanctimonious, and soft."

I moved us to T. "I'm also tedious, thankless, and tasty."

"You got two out of three right."

What a coincidence. "I've been hearing that a lot lately."

"So have I."

Neither of us knew what the other was talking about, but we both wanted to ask. For a brief moment, we let down our guard. I smiled. His lips twitched. It wasn't much, but it was something.

"Care to apologize now for saying you'll put me in the ground? That hurt."

Jasper wasn't ready to give up on the attitude. "I should have said I'll leave your body out for animals to pick apart."

I had enough of his shit. "If you want me to stay, you need to either show me a little kindness or shut the fuck up."

He smiled. I pushed him. "Don't smile at me. I hate you right now."

"No, you don't. You love me more than ever. Lying won't change it."

"What about denial? It works for you."

Jasper didn't like me throwing that in his face. He turned sharply and marched toward the front entrance of the house.

"Wait. Where are you going?"

He stopped and glanced over his shoulder. "Are you sure you want to know? You won't like it."

"Just tell me."

"There's a recruit my friend wants. Tall, pretty thing. Athletic and strong. She can run without falling and speak without stuttering. Some would say his standards are higher than mine. I'm beginning to agree."

I let him have the last word. It was his turn.

**

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Time was a slow moving turtle. The reptile working my clock didn't understand I wanted to rush through the next several hours. If I could do that, the regret and misery would be at an end. I wouldn't have to stew in my own selfish juices, which made for rank company.

All I could do was sit and think about my mistakes. I was an awful girl who never appreciated what she had until it was gone. I deserved my solitary confinement in this smelly death house. I found no evidence of depravity or murder, but my imagination created pictures all on its own.

Who left the marks on the floor? What caused the stains on the walls neighboring the kitchen? How much had Jasper contributed to what happened here?

I kept my snooping to a minimum. I wanted to find Jasper's room and avoid looking too closely at anything else. Most of the doors were locked. The few that weren't revealed empty closets or bedrooms. I breathed a sigh of relief when I found a room with marks carved into the walls. I knew right away who it belonged to.

No furniture filled in the empty space, but the room smelled like Jasper. It was enough to make me feel a little better. I searched the closet and found a stack of blankets that would make sitting on the hardwood floor less uncomfortable. I didn't dare look anywhere else for fear of what I would find. This house held secrets I did not want to uncover.

There were two things working in my favor. I had a change of clothes, and the shower was a thing of beauty. Hot water and soap cleaned off the stickiness left over from my time in the Florida heat this morning. After my shower, I changed into a shirt I stole from Jasper the last time he stayed at my house. For the last month, it played the role of nightgown and security blanket.

Feeling cleaner didn't change my sullen mood. Under the circumstances, nothing would. Causing me the most pain was that I would never see Charlie again. He deserved better than the half-hearted hug I gave him when he dropped me off at the airport. I couldn't remember if I told him I loved him. That was critical information. What had I said? Something stupid? Something loving? I didn't know.

A door slammed shaking me out of my incomplete memories. Jasper? Please be Jasper. Until now, I hadn't considered the possibility that another vampire might show.

I was already sitting in a corner. The pounding of feet on the stairs had me pushing my back against the wall and trying to appear as small as possible. I pulled one of the blankets up around me and prayed.

Whoever it was took a direct path to this room. They were also walking at a human speed. It had to be Jasper. Any other vampire would have moved at a faster pace.

When I saw him walk through the doorway, my eyes played a trick on me. He had a beard. No. Wait. It was blood smeared from his left ear down to his mouth.

"Don't say a word," he warned.

What was there to say? Should I lecture him for getting sloppy with his food or berate him for ruining a perfectly good set of clothes? What was the proper response? I didn't wake up this morning and immediately become desensitized to horror. Maybe in three days, we'd share a pint of person over a nice fire. Until then, I was human.

Jasper walked into the bathroom and rested his dirty palms on the edge of sink. He gazed into the mirror for a long minute. When he caught me staring, he closed the door just enough to block my view.

I should have said something. This wasn't like last time. I wasn't going to run and hide from what he was. The longer I went without telling him that the harder it would to convince him it was the truth.

I almost went to him, but hearing the shower turn on stopped me. He always let it run for several minutes. The heat and the moisture permeated the air and warmed his body. He once told me it allowed him to believe he was something other than a cold slab of rock. This was also why he enjoyed lying out in the sun. He longed for escape from his world.

We needed to move somewhere warm and isolated. Jasper was chained by the cool, cloud covered regions the Cullens favored. He needed sun and heat to feel alive.

I should tell him this. Let him know I didn't care about the past. The future was what we made it, and we would be spending it together. There wouldn't be a divide between us like what we had now. We would be on equal footing for a change.

He took his good sweet time in the shower. By the time he emerged fresh and clean, I'd forgotten most of what I wanted to say. He also was doing everything he could to show me he was not in the mood to talk. Instead of joining me, he sat in the opposite corner of the room from me.

"You could sit with me if you like," I offered. "I have blankets. They're softer than the floor."

"No thank you."

Strike one. I tried again. "Did you find the girl?"

"Yes."

More information would have been nice. "Will she survive?"

"Don't know. Don't care."

I'd count that as a foul ball. "Jasper, I -"

"Can't stop talking. You fill every second with your breathing, your heartbeat, and your running mouth. Just stop. Please. Give me a minute of silence."

I couldn't pull that off even on my best day. "If my heart stops for a minute, it might not start again."

No comment from the cranky corner. I tried to be quiet. I managed five minutes before saying something else.

He interrupted me before I got out a single word. "What do you want, woman?"

A happy life with him. "I need to tell you something."

"It can wait."

No, it couldn't. "I came back for you. If that isn't good enough or if you don't want me, I'll leave. I don't think I'll last very long, but that's fine, too. You were worth it, or at least, I think you would be if you'd ever decide to pull that stick out of your ass."

"Anything else?"

The monotone question woke up my sarcastic bitch. "I'm not sure what else is up there. Judging from how slow you walked up the stairs, I'm guessing a Volvo."

That would make two cars and a stick he stole from Edward. Jasper should have left his baggage in Forks. Dumping mine off in Florida was doing wonders for me. Panama was the lone exception of course.

"So what's it going to be?" I asked. "Should I leave? Stay? Dig a hole in the backyard? Tell me."

Jasper froze me out. It was what he always did when he wanted to distance himself from people or when he wanted to contain his emotions. An icepick would be handy for these occasions. If I could chisel a hole in his chest and shout at his heart, it might listen to me. If I got lucky, it would talk back.

While I waited for him to decide what he wanted out of me, I hummed along to a song I had stuck in my head. I hoped it would annoy him half as much as he was bugging me.

Once my man sorted through the mush in his mind, he spoke. "I did something, and I can't fix it. That's why I'm pissed off. You're just an easy target."

If this was about the Volturi, the fix was easy. "Bite me."

It came out sounding rude, which was not my intent. "That's not what I meant. Well, it is. You know what I mean, right?"

"Don't yammer. I know what you mean."

Seeing the tense expression on his face told me how hard this was on him. He knew I needed reassurance and comfort, and he hated himself for not knowing how to provide it. He was also scared that when the time came he wouldn't have the discipline needed to keep my death from becoming permanent. Any people he killed tonight were to save me, and now he was also worried about my reaction to the blood.

It was my turn to crook a finger. "Come here."

"No."

"You're not going to treat me like this all night. I won't put up with it. Come here, or I'm leaving."

That got him moving, albeit slowly. I'd never seen him walk like an old man, stiff and stooped over. It was jarring. The Volturi problem had him worn down to nothing. I had always seen him as being ten feet tall and bullet proof, but this man was aged thirty years and ready for a long sleep, something he could never have.

I moved over for him and patted the spot next to me. "Have a seat. I'll be nice if you will."

He sat down and immediately reached for one of my hands. "Your skin is cooler than normal. I should have taken you somewhere else. This drafty old house is a wreck."

Jasper rambled for several minutes about moving furniture and the pains of relocating all the time. Alice planned it down to the smallest detail and behaved like a dictator until the job was done. He hated boxes, markers, and tape.

I nodded along with everything. Boxes were never the right size. Markers smelled awful. Tape was sticky. None of it was his real problem. He kept that quiet, but we both knew what was going on in that thick head of his. My man was nervous.

"You need to relax. I'll survive. You'll have three days of quiet, something you won't have for a hundred years or so. Everything will be great."

"Everything is going to hell," he grumbled.

We could work with that too. "Good. I know you like the heat."

"Be serious."

"I am. We should move down south away from everyone. Somewhere tropical. Find an island of our own and build a tree house. I'll dress like Jungle Jane. You can be Tarzan. It'll be hell with a loincloth."

"Stop being good to me. I don't deserve it."

Not true and completely unfair. "Why are we allowed to judge people to be good but not bad? Both are subjective. Both are inadequate labels."

"Don't spin words into something they're not. Judgmental implies a harsh criticism. Good has nothing to do with it."

I didn't agree. "You can't decide someone is good without having some sort of standard for what would make them bad. The two exist in tandem, but we only want to hear the one side. Both are just as dangerous."

Jasper's brow puckered into a pained expression. "Stop thinking so much."

"No. How many times have you seen someone placed on a pedestal they neither deserve nor want? It's inevitable that they will jump off or begin to believe in their own greatness. Then we converge like vultures picking over their remains."

Ego was a weed growing within us all. Its seed was often planted by others. One small achievement could build a man up, but overblown praise and unrealistic expectations would eventually tear him down.

"How much happier would Edward be if instead of Carlisle expecting him to be good he asked his son to just be himself? How much better off would you be, Jasper, if instead of silently comparing yourself to others you actually followed the views you hold in such high regard?"

Good and right were as useless as bad and wrong. A person needed to hold true to what they were, and Jasper was not like anyone else. I wouldn't judge him by the same standards, and more to the point, I shouldn't judge him at all.

"Why are we talking about this?" he asked. "It has nothing to do with us."

"Because it's what we do. I thought we argued and fought, but we don't. We talk and debate. You tell me stories. I say goofy stuff to make you smile. This other crap is noise keeping us from hearing each other."

"You're right," he whispered with a grimace.

I wasn't sure I heard him correctly. "Could you say that again? Louder this time, please."

"You're right, dammit."

I poked him in the ribs. "Don't say it like you're sucking lemons. Shout it out to the world. You're Jasper Whitlock, and your woman is right for a change."

"And a gigantic pain in my butt."

"Blame the stick. I had nothing to do with it."

He managed a tired smile. He was worn down mentally and physically. It wouldn't have been easy on him with me gone. I had Panama and my mom to keep me company. Jasper was alone whether he had others around or not. It didn't need to be that way anymore. We were together again, and nothing would tear us apart.

I stroked his face where the blood had been before he took his shower. "Did you get your fill today?"

He leaned into my touch. "Never. The whole day was a waste and boring for the most part. The second girl did fight back."

"Good. I know you like that."

Jasper brought one of my hands up to his mouth and kissed it. "I like it when _you_ fight back."

"Don't lie. I know you hate our arguments."

"Nah. Your face turns red, and you flail your arms around. I'm always trying to guess which way to move so you don't hit me and break your hand."

"I do not flail."

"Yes, you do. You also breathe heavier. It makes your chest do pretty things."

I laughed. "Pretty things?"

"Yeah, but it's not half as pretty as this." He placed a hand on my neck. "I'll miss this part of you the most."

Soon there would be no pulse, no warmth, and unnecessary air. I wasn't the only one losing something. He wouldn't have this Bella. I would be missing all the little things I took for granted but he found fascinating.

"Can we have a few hours more?" I asked. "No fighting. We don't even have to talk. I just want you to hold me. That's what I want my last memories to be. Please, can we do that?"

Jasper looked away but not before I saw his eyes glisten with malice. It chilled me to the bone. Even during our arguments, I still saw him, but this was someone else entirely. I blamed the venom. It whispered dark thoughts in his ears and challenged him to satisfy his thirst.

Had it been someone else, I would have reacted differently, but I trusted him. I couldn't help being affected by what I saw, but I quickly brushed aside my concerns. Jasper would take care of me.

**

* * *

**

A few hours passed. We were now lying on the floor. The blankets were crap, but I wasn't going to complain. I wouldn't allow anything negative to creep in on us. It would ruin the tenuous peace we had going. As much we pretended otherwise, we were on edge. A small nudge could take us from fine to fighting again.

Jasper was better at hiding it than me. He was lazily drawing circles on my shoulder and occasionally playing sniff the neck. I was tapping a foot nervously against the wall and trying to keep from fidgeting. I wanted to run through the trees and scream at the dark sky. There were things that needed to be said, and I couldn't figure out a way to do it without causing problems.

"Could you whistle, hum, or sing for me? I need noise."

He pushed my hair back from my face. "You're thinking too much. Do you want me to help you sleep?"

Yes, but I wouldn't let him do it. "There's something I need to tell you. I wasn't going to, but I don't like keeping secrets from you."

"Secrets?"

"It's nothing bad, but you have to promise not to lose your temper."

"I'll try. What is it?"

I would get to that in a minute. "First, I want to tell you why I'm bringing it up."

"Keep going."

The impatient tone made me rush through my explanation. "I know you can't put complete faith in the other people in your life, but I want you to know that you can do that with me. I'll never lie to you."

From the set of his jaw and the tense expression, I could tell he was taking this wrong.

I tried again. "It's nothing bad. I didn't do anything. Someone else did, but like I said, you can't get mad."

Somewhere in the dark, his phone went off. The familiar sound told us both who it was. Alice. Jasper was caught between wanting to answer and wanting to know what I had to say. It wasn't difficult to figure out that she was trying to stop me.

He ignored her. Right after her call, someone else phoned. The sound told me it was someone different.

Jasper crossed over to the window and stuck his head outside. He listened carefully to the surrounding noises and sniffed at the air.

"What's going on?" I asked when he retrieved his phone.

"He shouldn't be calling me tonight. He knows what I'm doing."

"Your friend?"

"Yes."

The infamous _he _needed to jump in a volcano. I hadn't even met him yet, but I hated him. "Will you finally tell me who he is?"

"Demetri."

Which meant as much to me as Alice saying the name Felix. "Who is he?"

"Stop talking and let me think."

Fat chance of that happening. "If you ask me, it sounds like they don't want me telling you what happened."

"Exactly. I have to decide what's more important, listening to you or answering to them."

This whole thing was stupid. "I don't think you should trust Alice. She's the person telling me to keep quiet."

Jasper snapped his head in my direction. "She told you on the phone or in person?"

He spoke with pure murder in his voice. I immediately started looking for a way to escape. I moved to stand, and he was on me in an instant. He pushed me against the wall and held me in place with his hands around my wrists.

When next he spoke, he tried to mask his fury with soothing words. "It's not you I'm angry with. You don't need to be afraid. I just want answers."

Another call. I didn't recognize this one either. Jasper's eyes narrowed. "Why is Edward calling?"

Hell if I knew. I searched for a connection and only came up with one. "Alice is his sister. I don't know about Demetri. Does Edward know him?"

"Every vampire knows him."

Well yay for him. I didn't know shit. "I haven't seen Edward in months. I don't know what he wants. I only know what happened in Florida, which had nothing to do with Edward or your friend."

Jasper headed for the door and dragged me along with him. "We're leaving."

"But don't you want to know what happened?"

"Tell me in the car."

When my legs couldn't move fast enough for him, he picked me up and ran out of the house. We were about to leave when I remembered my bag.

"My journal. We can't leave it."

He slammed out of the car and went to retrieve my bag. While he was gone, I checked his phone. He had his own code for people, which kept me from knowing which person was which. My name was the lone exception.

Jasper returned and saw what I was doing. "If someone calls, don't answer."

He drove. I looked through his pictures. They were all of me when I was sleeping or of Panama being his sweet self. Jasper didn't bother with anyone else.

"Start talking, Bella."

Easy enough. "I know about the Volturi."

Electricity charged the air around us. Air left my lungs in a whoosh, and my nerves burned a line down my back.

Jasper's hands clamped harder on the steering wheel. "What exactly do you know about them?"

"I know you're in trouble because I'm still human."

"Where did you get that information?"

I gave him a rushed version of what happened with Felix and how I came to my conclusions about the Volturi. I wrapped up my short story by telling him about Alice's request to keep my encounter with Felix a secret.

Jasper didn't respond. His emotions were blanketing the car in a thick fog. Fear dissolved into anger. This was replaced by panic. A minute later, he was dead. No feeling escaped him. He was here one moment, and then a ghost took his place.

I pushed for some answers. "Who are we running from?"

"Alice had to have called Edward. She probably told him where we are."

"Why would she do that?"

"I'm not sure."

Like before, his plan sucked. "What if we're driving in their direction?"

"What do you suggest? Should I sit still and let them take you?"

It wasn't my first choice. "Forget the Cullens. We need to be worried about the Volturi."

"A dying coven. They should fear us."

His words jogged my memory. "That's what Felix said about you."

Jasper smiled. "Did he? Well now, that's funny. He probably had you thinking he was the bad guy, didn't he?"

Kidnapper. Big scary man. It wasn't a hard connection to make. "He is the bad guy, or at least, he's one of them."

"The bad guy in your story is sitting next to you."

La la la. I wasn't listening. He needed to dial back on his inner angst queen. We had much bigger problems than his misguided belief that he was evil incarnate.

Or not.

"I don't contract out my services, Bella. I'm a convict."

But that didn't make sense. "You can't be."

"You've seen my scars. You know what I did."

_- "I'm not me. I'm not anyone. Prisoner. Fugitive. War criminal. Murderer. Victim. I'm all of them and none of them."_

He had already told me, but I hadn't listened. The rules were simple and left no room for interpretation. Guard the secret. Never kill your own. I knew his past with Maria's army, but I never once asked how or if he was punished for it.

Jasper's phone was on silent, but we both heard it vibrate. He crushed it and tossed it out the window. "You sure you want honesty?"

"Yes."

He pulled the car over. "You like trees. Let's take a walk. Fate can decide who catches us."

Branches snagged my clothes and hair. This was not a good place to play in the dark. Jasper didn't allow for a slow pace. He picked me up and ran for several hundred yards before setting me down to walk on my own. It wasn't until we reached a clearing that he started talking.

"You know, I never thought you were anything special until a few months ago. I should have looked harder. Can you forgive me for being blind?"

Silly question. I could forgive him of almost anything. "Of course."

He kicked at the dirt and smiled sadly. "I wish you didn't love me. I wouldn't feel so fucking bad about this if you hated me."

Guilt held him by the heart and squeezed. I could see it written clearly in his eyes and on his face.

"What did you do that's so bad, Jasper?"

"All in due time. I have to tell you how it happened."

I was getting scared. He wasn't himself tonight. "You don't have to tell me anything. We can start fresh. The past doesn't matter."

"It always matters." He circled around me slowly. "Freedom is a dangerous thing. It makes you weak and complacent. I stopped covering my tracks. It never occurred to me that I was being hunted. When they found me, I tried taking them on, but I couldn't win. They had the witch with them."

The word witch was fresh in my mind from seeing Alice the night before. She wasn't with Felix, but I still guessed her. "Alice?"

"She wasn't even alive in 1890. Jane was the one. She can light a match in your chest and spread the flame throughout your body. You can't fight it. You can't do anything but burn."

Jasper tapped one of my temples lightly. "That is why your mind is so valuable. If you had been with me, I'd still be free."

But I wasn't there, and he wasn't free. "What was your punishment?"

"Two hundred and fifty years. Unless I earn a pardon or commuted sentence, I won't be free until 2140."

"And the Cullens? How are you able to live with them?"

"I was assigned to observe the family as a reward for good behavior. You humans call it work release. When I leave town for three days, I'm reporting back."

The confession gave me a sick feeling. "They think of you as family, and you spy on them."

"It's not like that. They know. Why do you think Edward hates me? He doesn't believe they can trust me."

"Can they?"

He came to a stop in front of me. "No one can trust me, including you."

It all starting coming together. "You told the Volturi about me, didn't you?"

"Yes."

This explained why he was in trouble again. Would they add more to his sentence? Would they kill him? Both were possible and completely my fault. He'd worked for a century to earn a lighter sentence, and I ruined it.

"Change me. We can offer them a deal, or we can run. Anything you want. Tell me how we can fix this."

As soon as one thing became clear, something else fogged it up. "Wait a second. Why are you even worried about your sentence if the Volturi are losing power?"

"Because what I did was wrong. I will serve out my punishment until I am released. It's the only piece of honor left in me."

No, it wasn't. "You're a good man who was thrust into a bad situation. Honoring a sentence you didn't earn is ridiculous."

"I earned it a thousand times over, and I will earn my release the same. I have worked a century to be free of the past. You cannot expect me to drop that because another coven might gain power."

All this time, I thought he wanted to kill Maria, but she had nothing to do with anything. His warped honor code was very likely beaten into him by years of torture. The Volturi were probably the reason he killed Peter and Charlotte. Jasper's punishment was as much a crime as what Maria did to him.

I tried reasoning with him. "You're not thinking about this in the right way. I know you feel like you have to atone, but you've done it."

I could tell he wasn't listening. I went at him again. "Your punishment is over. Judge yourself by who you are today, not the so called crimes you committed over a century ago."

Jasper shook his head. "You still haven't figured it out. Try harder."

I thought I was doing pretty good considering the limited information he gave me. "What am I missing?"

"How far will you go to get what you want? Would you kill your father? Renee? The Cullens? Good people always have a line they won't cross. Where is yours?"

The last few months had changed me, but it hadn't lessened my sense of loyalty. "I won't turn on my family or the Cullens. If I did, I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be the person you care about."

"You're right. You wouldn't be. Now ask where my line is."

He only had one. "Me."

"Ask me where it was a year ago."

I already knew he hadn't had one.

The truth came to me in pieces.

_- "If you live up to your potential, there are people who will use you for their own gain. It is imperative you learn to stand on your own because there is no one you will be able to trust."_

_- "I made a deal with a friend of mine to go after someone in a few months. If I hold up my end of the bargain, the coven I'm acting against will hunt me."_

_- "I will never pick you, Bella. I will always put my own survival first."_

I wasn't supposed to trust him. Survival came first. As we became closer, he felt obligated to help me become stronger. I needed to be willing to exert my power and prevent others from controlling me.

These weren't lessons for my new life with him. They were lessons to help me survive my servitude.

"You offered me to them in exchange for your freedom. That's how you plan on _earning _your release."

Jasper shrugged. It was dismissive and cold. I didn't matter. He was shutting himself away because he knew me well enough to know what was coming. We all had a line, and he crossed mine.

"Say you hate me."

I couldn't. "I don't hate you. I still love you, too much I guess. I'm not sure how it works. I don't think I can stop."

Hope flared within him. He hadn't expected forgiveness, but he was daring to believe it could be possible.

It was false hope. "Had you asked me to help you, I would have said yes. I would have gone to them and took your place. All you had to do was tell me the truth."

He cupped my face in his hands. "And now?"

I was so weak when it came to him. I wanted to hug him and forgive him. My heart demanded it of me. My head disagreed. They fought it out, and the angrier of the two won.

I batted his hands away. "You betrayed me."

"Be fair about this," he yelled. "I didn't know you."

"I'm not talking about then. I'm talking about the last few months. You let me care about you. You let me believe we would be together. How could you do that?"

He couldn't look me in the eyes. "There's a plan for that, but if I go through with it, you'll never forgive me."

I wanted to scream at him. How could he be this stupid? "I won't forgive you for any of this. How can you possibly make it worse than it already is?"

He reached for me, but I stepped back. "Don't touch me."

Jasper stomped his foot into the ground. "Fuck. I knew I shouldn't have told you anything. You say you want the truth, but you're lying just like everyone else. You can't handle anything that isn't pretty and neat."

I wasn't letting that stand. "Don't turn this back on me. You were recruiting me. How much of it was really you? Did you manipulate me this whole time? Did you care for me at all?"

"You know I care."

"I know nothing. You won't say it. You barely show it. Everything I put in you is based on faith, and you just proved it was for nothing."

Jasper went silent.

I pushed him. "Tell me when it stopped. Tell me when I became real to you."

Nothing.

"Say something. Do you love me? Can you say it? Would you mean it if you did?"

Blank and empty.

I had enough. "Go find someone else to sacrifice their life. I'm not giving you mine."

I walked off with no destination in mind. I didn't know where we were, and I didn't care.

He shouted from behind me. "If you don't go through with your promise, I'll kill your father. Can you let it happen, Bella? Or will you prove to me how good you really are?"

There it was, and he meant it. I had known all along that someone would die. You couldn't enter his world and come away unscathed. He was poison.

I gave him my answer. I wasn't sure why. He already knew what it was before he asked the question. "Don't kill Charlie."

The smirk on his Jasper's face was nasty. "Should I let you run? How about a five minute head start?"

"You're evil."

Another shrug. "I'm betting on you forgiving me when you know the rest of story. If you were thinking more clearly, you would see that your conclusions do not line up with my actions. None of it makes sense."

Maybe. Maybe not. "Just bite me and get it over with. I'm done listening to you."

"A week from now, we'll be sharing a kill and racing through the trees. You'll love me more than ever."

I was the kill. He took everything. "I may love you, but I'll never trust you."

He clapped. "Finally, she learns the most important lesson. Good for you."

No last word for him this time. It was my turn. "Here's a lesson for you. Regret is its own prison, and you'll have an eternity to enjoy it."

I took one last look at him. Thirst replaced the smirk. He was an animal waiting to be fed. I should have seen it from the beginning.

I walked away. Two steps. Five. Ten.

He let the wait build knowing it would intensify my fear. I was determined not to run. I could have stayed still and faced him, but I didn't want my last vision of him to be as ugly as our last words.

I closed my eyes and let a good memory come back to me. It wasn't our best day, but it was his best moment. I believed he loved me. I knew I loved him.

- _"Bella, I would say those words to you, and I want you to consider changing so you can say them to me."_

I didn't hear or feel him approach, but I knew he was coming. I ran even when I didn't want to. I tripped once and scrambled to my feet. Fear collapsed my throat. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't scream.

Arms wrapped around my chest in a crushing hug. He lifted me off my feet and sank his teeth into my shoulder. He tore away at my shirt and my flesh. It wasn't romantic or gentle like I dreamed. It was violent and punishing.

Through the screams in my head, I heard shouting and a thunder of noise. Jasper's arms tightened around me, and his fingernails dug into my skin. The burning began to spread from my shoulder to the rest of me. My tears were ignored. I again tried to scream, but he slapped a hand over my mouth knocking me into a daze. I clawed weakly at his skin. I needed air. I couldn't get enough through my nose.

Minutes. An hour. An eternity. He wasn't able to stop. A heavy beat started in my head. It built steadily with each second until the fire began to die. I grew weaker. My thoughts slowed, and my eyelids became heavy. I almost gave into sleep but was roused by a crashing sound.

I opened my eyes. Shadows came from the trees, and old ghosts showed their faces. They pulled at my skin and shouted in my face. Just like my nightmares, they were tearing me apart. I couldn't fight them off.

The animal growled from behind me. I was trapped between him and the others. I wanted to scream and kick, but I lacked the strength. Only one person tried to help me. The beautiful one was fighting off the ghosts. He pushed them back and ordered them to keep their distance.

With them cowering behind him, an angel stepped forward and looked beyond me. Her pleading words came out in a song. Her gentle eyes and serenity calmed me. With her here, I was finally safe.

The hand left my mouth. I could breathe again. I choked on the first one and gasped for a second. It didn't come. I was too weak to panic. Fear left me as I reached for something else. It was black and coming closer.

More shouting threatened to wake me, but I was too far gone to fight off the night. I gave into sleep, and when I did, a rug was pulled out from under me. I fell fast and hard, but this time there was no one to catch me. The last thing I felt was a searing pain in my head.

Darkness extinguished the fire, and I was gone.

* * *

**Author's Note: The next chapter will be a Jasper POV. **

**Thanks for reading.  
**

**- Cris  
**


	21. Chapter 21 Visions

**Conversations with My Killer  
**Chapter 21 - Visions

**Jasper POV**

**Four weeks before Bella's arrival in Forks**

The moon was a scarred landscape. She shined bright and honest in the night sky, never once hiding what she was. Her pockmarked surface added to her allure. She was a figure of romance, superstition, and madness. She was persecuted and revered, but I had yet to meet anyone who described her as anything less than beautiful.

To a vampire, she was the sun. In her light, we took on our true form. She didn't use glitter dust to reveal our secret. She understood our burden and guided us with her silver glow. Where daylight brought warmth, the moon cooled our venom and calmed our souls.

My fanciful notions would shock Alice and the family. They expected the cracked statue to be as hard and forbidding in his mind as he was in his appearance. They didn't know I kept my thoughts blank and my heart shut off. If I didn't, people stole from me while at the same time lending me their secrets.

I knew their stories without needing to hear the words. Rosalie loved Emmett because he was a non-threatening protector. She could hide behind him and let him take on the world when it became too difficult for her to handle it on her own. No one could reach her without having to go through him first.

There was a balance to their relationship that made them ideal mates. She wanted a shield. He wanted a wounded bird. Nothing made him feel stronger than knowing she needed him.

Carlisle and Esme were similarly matched. She needed a healer who could save her family in the most dire of circumstances. He needed someone to prove his humanity was intact. Love was a human emotion; one could only experience it if they were in possession of a soul. Esme validated his beliefs and gave him reason to hope.

Alice, Edward, and I had no mates. In Edward's eyes, we were the soulless. It was one of the few things we agreed on. Like everything else though, my opinions on the topic ebbed and flowed with the tides.

More often than not, I was a morose figure. It was difficult to get excited about life when I had none. Demetri ruled my existence. Today, he called me friend, but he could just as easily turn on me tomorrow. I doubted this would happen. He recognized that I was far more valuable to him as a cooperative prisoner than as one who could incite trouble with the flick of my ability.

A tiny bird interrupted my alone time. Alice. I was lying on the ground staring up at the sky when she got between me and my moon.

For someone with limitless energy, I was too exhausted to complain. I longed for the day when I could do what I wanted and go where I desired. When there was nothing to live for, even a vampire died inside.

"What do you want, Alice?"

"I need you to come with me to Phoenix."

It was typical of her to disregard the chains encircling my neck. "You know I can't leave Washington."

She nudged me with a foot. "Demetri won't be back from Italy until next month. Live a little. You might like it."

That was the problem. I would like it too much. Nothing was worse than having a taste of something good and then realizing you would never find it again. There was also the prospect of getting caught. Nothing was worth the punishment.

"You know what happened the last time I went rogue. It took a week for my back to heal."

She sat down beside me. "That was Jane. You know Demetri would never hurt you."

I knew nothing of the sort. Alice didn't understand what it was like to be at the mercy of others. She still possessed the same fighting spirit she was born with. I lost my spirit sometime around 1905 when I sold my soul. I owned nothing, was nothing, and had no reason to believe my situation would improve.

"Why are you even going to Arizona? What's down there?"

"The Grand Canyon and a girl I saw in a vision. There's something about her. She's special."

I hated the word special. It was overused to the point where it meant nothing. If everyone was special, didn't that make them average?

"Give me one good reason why I should go with you."

Alice grinned widely. "The girl is Edward's mate."

Bullshit. Mates were not something you could predict. It wasn't based on decisions. It was based on mutual respect and individual need. Love was often a byproduct, but the balance of the couple was what mattered most. There was no magnetic pull that sprung out of nowhere. It developed over time, and once discovered, it would never leave or fade.

"Come on, Jasper. You know you want to come with me."

No, I did not, but I still joined her.

**

* * *

**

I never understood the appeal of a swan. Their necks were too long. They snorted and hissed at you. These were not beautiful birds. They were awkward in their youth and similarly unbalanced in their adulthood. I hated Swans.

Isabella Swan represented the species with more flair and accuracy than most humans could pull off. In three days of spying, I had yet to hear her speak more than two dozen words. She moved as if her limbs were attached ten years after her birth. She barely broke average in her appearance. Her only striking feature was her hair. She wisely used it to hide her face.

"Alice, the girl is boring. Let's kill her and get out of here. You know Esme expects us home for Christmas morning."

Two months without a human left my teeth hurting and my appetite fierce. The girl could help me with both.

The falconet to my left was silent. Alice was rarely quiet unless she was having a vision. Judging from the vacant eyes and the open mouth, she was in the middle of a doozy. Or she ate a bad coyote.

She breathed in deep and grasped on to one of my hands. "Jasper, she's magnificent."

The swan? That was a stretch.

A wicked little smile played on her lips. "Her blood will sing."

This meant Alice misinterpreted her vision. They were always a crapshoot, but it didn't stop her from putting her unique spin on them.

"Edward's singer?"

She nodded.

Fate was a cruel bitch with a twisted sense of humor. Edward's do-gooder personality already made him unbearable. Irrational thirst for the feather brain would make him insufferable. It was also a terrible waste of food. Not to mention, he would torture himself over his desire for her blood, which would make me suffer. Why let that happen when I could take her now?

I crept forward but stopped when Alice gasped. Her eyes rolled back into her head, and she fell backwards. It was funny for all of a second before her emotions flooded my head and kicked me in the chest. They cycled rapidly as her vision shifted. Infatuation. Desire. Fascination. Eagerness. Disappointment. Sympathy. Amusement. Yearning. Jealousy. Regret. Lust. Devotion. Betrayal. Contempt. Grief.

All of it whipped around like a tornado battering my mind and body. Just when one hit, another took its place. I fought against it, but the storm grew stronger, bringing me to my knees.

As suddenly as it began, it stopped. I collapsed next to Alice and fumbled for her hand. Calm wouldn't return. She chanted something in my ear trying to soothe me. I heard none of it. Too much noise. Too many hits to my chest.

My favorite bird bit me. The burn of her venom brought pain and relief. The contradiction was a lawnmower blade cutting away at the madness in my head.

When peace returned, I opened my eyes and let the starry night become my focal point. So many stars. I was small. Inconsequential. What I felt was nothing. Always nothing. I was a blank slate incapable of being touched by another's inner chaos. I was alone. Always alone.

"What did you see?"

Alice's eyes were a storm. "All good things."

_Come to those who wait. _

**

* * *

**

**Five days later**

Edward shoved me into a column. The timber split creating a loud cracking sound. It didn't feel too good either.

"What did you do?" he demanded.

I killed three nuns in 1936, a doctor and his wife two months ago, eleven children under the age of fifteen, and all but one person in my family. "Could you be more specific? I've done many things."

"Why did Alice leave?"

I had no idea. "She left on her own."

"Did she go to them?"

The Volturi. "Not that I know of."

Alice and I met just prior to my being assigned to observe the Cullen family. She stood accused of killing a human and allowing others to witness her crime. For reasons I still couldn't understand, her actions were deemed acceptable. Demetri released her with little more than a slap on the wrist.

Despite being granted her freedom, she hung around for several weeks. I couldn't turn a corner without running into her. She said we would be great friends. When I told her I always killed my friends, she laughed off the warning and promised she would see me coming. It wasn't until much later that I learned what she meant by that.

Edward pulled me back to the present. "Where did she go?"

"Python hunting in South America. How the fuck should I know?"

He searched my head and knew I spoke the truth. Alice could be anywhere. I hadn't wanted her to leave and had even fought with her about staying, but I no more controlled her than I controlled the weather. When she wanted to come home, she would.

I didn't even know the details of her vision. Images often came to her out of order and required time and reflection to interpret. When she worked through all the possibilities, she would discuss what she saw. As impatient as I was to get some answers, pressuring her would only slow the process.

Edward tossed another question my way. "Emmett said you were shouting about being tired of waiting. What did you mean?"

_Maria. Dripping venom. A witch's voice. The table. Two hundred fifty years._

My brain rejected the thoughts creeping in on me.

_Test kitchen. Girl four likes my raspberry lemon muffins. _

_Preheat oven to 400. Grease twelve muffin cups. Combine two cups flour. One cup sugar … _

_Go bake, pretty boy._

Rosalie, Emmett, and Esme came down the stairs. They stopped on the landing overhead.

"She's really gone?" Rosalie asked.

I heard a noise I couldn't identify. Edward and I looked up in time to see the floor above us crash down over our heads taking the others with it.

I spit out chunks of drywall and bits of dust while pushing a shapely leg off me. My clothes were torn. I had to push an ear back in place. For vampires, we failed at split second decision making. And fuck, my ear hurt.

"Nice work, Eddie," I snapped. "Are you girls okay?"

Esme, yes. Rosalie, no. She stood up and kicked Edward in the ribs before coming for me. She always did have a temper. Until tonight, it was never directed at me.

I pointed out the culprit. "He did it."

"This was my favorite pair of jeans."

The pretty goose attacked. I tore her right leg off. The Cullen house was not a happy home for several weeks. It was the pirate jokes. Peggy didn't like her new nickname.

**

* * *

**

**End of March**

Alice finally called and asked me to meet with her. I should have seen her plan coming from a mile away.

In her eyes, there was no greater threat to her happy world than Aro. My initial role in the family was to observe them because of their unique diet. As time went on, I became something very different. Aro wanted to add Edward and Alice to his collection. My job was to watch for any offense great enough to warrant punishment. He couldn't invent a crime, but he could act as soon as one was brought to his attention. Unfortunately for him, the family kept their noses clean.

In their own way, the Cullens were prisoners just like me. Sure they could have easily sent me packing. There was no law that required or even allowed for my presence, but they recognized that I was the lesser of a whole list of other evils. I never lied about their activities or used my position to threaten them. I observed quietly and without malice. On the rare occasion when the family met with outside interference from nomads, I stepped in and fought with them.

Living like this was the closest I could get to freedom, but it wasn't enough for Alice. She wisely felt threatened by Aro's interest, and she wouldn't be satisfied until he and the others were wiped from the planet. Her easiest route to accomplishing this goal was to take them apart a piece at a time. Demetri was her target.

For the last hundred plus years, he had ruled over the Americas and enforced the Volturi doctrine. He administered punishment judiciously but was often violent and unpredictable in his private life. Few were lucky enough to earn his respect and those who did were blessed with a loyal champion. On the rare occasion when someone lost favor with him, he would strike back with a vengeance.

This last part was what Alice was counting on. According to her, it was only a matter of time before Demetri began to resent his masters. You couldn't grant someone a small measure of power and not expect them to reach for more. When this happened, she would swoop in and sow the seeds of sedition.

The big question was where Miss Swan fit into the plan.

I was skipping pebbles across the lake when Alice came up behind me and gave me a hug. She was one of only two people I allowed to touch me affectionately. Esme was the other one.

I sniffed the air. "You smell like the mall."

"Perfume shopping. I need it to mask the smell of chorizo."

Had I been in possession of a working heart, it would have stopped. "What are you doing around Maria?"

"You can't play with the cock unless you wade through all his hens. She's the most foul."

Not fucking funny. "Dammit, Alice. Demetri isn't someone you play with."

"Don't be gross. I'm not playing with him. He smells like cigarettes and nasty sausage."

I wasn't sure if she meant his piece or his _piece. _With Alice, there was no way of knowing.

She started doing her annoying twirling shit that made me want to rip off her legs. I grabbed her arms and held her in place. "Get to the point. I don't have all day."

"Lighten up. The day is pretty. The sky is blue. Summer is around the corner."

If she wanted to make it to summer, she needed to start talking. "Speak."

"Okay already. When you found out Edward couldn't read Bella's mind, you suspected she was a shield. I think she has to be. It's the only thing that works with what I've seen."

"Explain."

"The images are still unclear. I see a battle coming. Bella stands behind our line with a guard surrounding her. Demetri, Felix, and I are in front with an army at our backs. Across from us are Aro and his main coven. Jane and Alec are not present. They're dead."

Impossible. "We've had this conversation. I will not fight the Volturi. We're better with them than without them."

"You weren't there, Jasper. I saw you leave us in an earlier part of the vision. Demetri let you go."

Heat burned my throat. I thirsted for freedom more than blood. "Tell me more."

Alice filled me in on the rest of the story. There were holes galore, but the gist of it was Demetri broke ranks with the Volturi after he found a way to neutralize Alec and Jane. After building an army of his own, he wrenched power away from Aro. The Cullens were free to live as they pleased, and I was free to begin a new life.

"What about the rest of the family?" I asked her. "Why weren't they there?"

"Because I didn't ask them to join us. What good is it to save them if they die in the fight?"

I couldn't argue against that. "So what are you saying?"

"We have two goals. Protect the family and set you free. Demetri will let you go if you give him Bella. When the war is over, he'll release her. The family stays out of the fight, and Edward gets Bella back."

It wasn't as easy as she made it sound. "Are you suggesting we betray the family by stealing away the girl?"

"Sometimes you have to hurt people to help them."

The plan was flawed from top to bottom. "You should have taken her before Edward met her."

"How is that fair? Should we deny her love because it suits us?"

Love was pushing it. "Bella barely knows him. He's a dream to her right now. Give her a year and a half, and she'll realize he's a useless prig."

"Don't let envy cloud your judgment. Edward is a good man whether you happen to like him or not."

"Should I let romantic nonsense fill my head with bullshit? Edward's interest is not limited to her flat personality. He sees her potential the same as we do."

It was the only reasonable explanation outside of her blood for why he found her fascinating. The empty headed dove was as dull as dishwater. Her heart fluttered over his scent and his sonnets. His venom boiled at the thought of tasting her. She wasn't a person to him. She was a meal. He confused the intensity of his thirst with genuine emotion.

Making matters worse was the very real possibility that his interest would die with her. They were a new and different twist on every other couple that rushed into a commitment.

"Jasper, I know you have your doubts, but you need to trust me. Bella is the key to everything. If we take the girl, everyone wins. Just give me time to work out the details."

I had nothing but time. My reflection was a daily reminder of how small my chances were to gain anything else. Other vampires avoided me like the plague. I carried death on my face and in my eyes. There wasn't a soul alive willing to look beyond the scars and see me as anything other than a monster. The Cullens feared me. Demetri used me.

Freedom was my only desire. I could find a home of my own and avoid the whispers and stares that followed me. Isolation was its own prison, but I could live with that. It wasn't like I had a real chance at anything else.

"Keep working on your plan. We'll see what happens."

**

* * *

**

**April**

The most dangerous creature on the planet sat on a bench one hundred yards from me. Her eyes were naturally reddish brown without the bipolar diet or the screams. Her clothes were wrinkled and well worn. She rarely laughed and spoke so softly her human companions had to lean in to hear her. She was gentle and kind with a shy smile and an open heart. It was a shame none of this would last.

"Which one is she?" Demetri asked.

"The bench to the north. Check out the girl in the middle wearing the blue sweater."

It was like clockwork. A furrowed brow. A look of deep concentration. A building frustration. He could no more get a sense of her mind than Edward could.

I was tempted to smile. The girl was a gift.

"Is it the same with Edward?"

"Yes."

"What about your ability? Is she immune?"

"No."

It irked Edward something serious when I played with his toy. I had her half in love with him by early March, not that he objected. The boy was obsessed with her.

I couldn't understand why. Bella was weak and unfocused. She rarely spoke, and when she did, she failed to say anything. He swore she was far more interesting than I gave her credit for, but I only saw a puppy waiting to get hit by a van. It was a pity he stopped the one that almost did. It would have prevented the pangs of guilt that nipped at me occasionally.

It wasn't until the day of our baseball game that I saw a glimmer of someone special. She wasn't frightened by the fight or the violence. There was respect in her sharp eyes and an appreciative look on her face. It was the first time I ever saw her truly present in a moment. It almost made me believe there was something more to her beyond the lovestruck waste of space I saw every other day. She ruined it by letting Edward carry her off like a sack of potatoes.

"What do you think?" I pressed. "Do you see potential or not?"

Thanks to Alice, I already knew his answer. He would take Bella off our hands and reward me with a pardon. I would finally have my greatest wish.

_Tell me you want her. Give me what I need._

He threw my question back at me. "What do you think of her?"

Wasn't it pretty damn obvious? "You could make good use of her."

"Her potential is easy to see. I'm asking for your impressions of her."

My feelings were impossible to mask. "She has no backbone, no sense of self, and no opinions about anything. Were it not for her mind, I would kill her in hopes of advancing her species. People like her should not be allowed to breed."

Demetri was taken aback by my harsh tone. "She's little more than a child. You expect too much."

"A worse crime would be expecting too little. Can we get on with this? Do you want her or not?"

_Do it. Say you want her. What is wrong with you? Look at her. Sense what she can do. _

He could, and it made my plans fall apart. "She is of no value if she is forced into joining. I need her on my side. Anything less would be inviting a wolf into the hen house."

Alice hadn't seen this part. I was caught off guard but not so much that I didn't see the obvious solution. "Find a way to guarantee her cooperation. It wouldn't take much. Her mind sways with the slightest breeze."

Demetri used my past against me. "Should I use a family member as leverage? Does she have a sister?"

All my healed bite marks began to burn just as he knew they would. Time did not shake off the pain of our memories. If anything, it enhanced them.

"The girl has no siblings, and from what I can tell, she is not close with her parents."

"What of Edward? Does she favor him? You mentioned his interest in her."

"She shares his feelings."

Mostly. She didn't need to know I got the ball rolling on that one for her. I applied it with a little too much enthusiasm. The girl was hopeless for that dullard.

_Oh, Edward. I love you so much. No love comes close to what we have. _Gag.

They liked to think of themselves as a modern day Romeo and Juliet. They should really aim higher than an infatuated couple who let their impulsiveness cost them their lives. That story wasn't romantic or tragic. It was proof that human life was wasted on those with a beating heart.

Demetri was a quick study. I could see him running through the long list of potential uses for someone like Bella. Alice hadn't been wrong when she said he would grow hungry for more power. Bella's potential was his best opportunity to gain more of what he craved.

Decision time from my keeper. "I need to think on this. We'll give the relationship an opportunity to grow. When the time is right, you bring me the girl, and I will grant you the pardon you seek."

**

* * *

**

**Two days before the first conversation**

_A year is enough, Jasper. I want them joined. I have to know she won't turn on us. Make it happen. _

I was a serpent in the house of the Cullens. Never in my time with them did I lie or use subterfuge until this last year. Alice had the right idea when it came to leaving. It was impossible to maintain a clear head around Edward. He could sneak in and steal information with the ease of a cat burglar. This led to me developing a whole new way of lying to myself. It was hard distinguishing between the reality I lived in and the truth way back in the far reaches of my mind.

The truth was I had to protect the girl at all costs. No snacking. No letting her fall off mountains. No nomads ripping her to shreds. No Edward munching on her pretty little neck. I couldn't let anyone know how much I needed her in one piece.

My cover story was believable and held its own note of truth. I wanted Bella but not in a loving, happy friendship kind of way. I wanted to tear a hole in her neck and drain her in the middle of our clean white living room. Her blood should decorate our walls and stain my eyes. When I looked at her, I saw food.

Edward heard every sick fantasy in my head. A few probably matched some of his own. He might play the strict vegetarian, but he wanted a taste as much as the rest of the family. It was a wonder any of us made it through the first month of their relationship. Technically, her blood only sang for him, but I felt it with just as much desperation as him. In turn, I made everyone else suffer.

Two people died in that time alone. Both were my kills, and neither brought me any satisfaction. The additional animals I fed on left me full to the point of bursting. At no time in my life had I ever been so unhappy in my skin. I eventually found a balance. Half a human every six weeks kept me tame during the rest of the time. The animal blood I consumed kept my eyes an acceptable color and hid the truth of my diet from the wolves.

Thinking of Bella as cattle kept me from thinking of her true purpose. My plan worked for the most part. I did have a few unguarded moments when it came to her. Thankfully, they only occurred during Edward's absences. Like today.

He and the others were out hunting. This should have been my time of rest since they took their emotional baggage on their hunt. There was no rest. Bella showed.

Her scent lured me down three flights of stairs and into the kitchen. She was so fresh smelling. I credited the fruits and vegetables she ate. Most people these days smelled like high fructose corn syrup and plastic.

I found my least favorite bird sitting on the counter with a plate of blueberries and sliced kiwi in front of her. This was not the girl I recognized as Bella Swan. Her feet were bare, which gave me a glimpse of her lime green painted toenails. Her hair was pulled back in a loose braid rather than hanging in her face. She was comfortably dressed in a pair of jeans cut off at the knees and a faded Spuds Mackenzie t-shirt that had seen better decades.

She sang Judee Sill songs between bites of fruit. I couldn't help but smile when she cackled at a mystery bit of hilarity hidden in her mind. Her usual self was as interesting to me as a watching birds shit. This girl made me want to ask questions.

Why was she here when she knew Edward wouldn't be? What was so funny to her? Why lime green nail polish? How come I had never seen her hair pulled back like this? How come I had never noticed the nomad in her fighting to escape?

It wasn't even that she looked special. She just didn't look like Bella Swan. She certainly didn't act like her.

I became sure of that when she unfolded her legs and started tapping her dirty feet over the clean counter. She gave an evil little laugh that told me she was doing it just for the sake of being a little shit. Her surroundings were too clean for her, and she was taking her anger out on what should be the cleanest surface in the house.

"Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you," she chanted in perfect time with her feet.

I was already halfway to hell when I saw her pop a blueberry in her mouth. Her little moan of pleasure had me fully enraptured. When I saw her lips turn up in a heavenly smile, I dug my nails so hard into my skin I tore a chunk off.

This wasn't love or infatuation. I wanted to feed her bites of fruit and listen to her laugh while I drained her dry. I could picture her smiling blissfully as her life came to a close. The light would fade from her eyes and slip into mine. I would keep it with me always and see her staring back at me.

I closed my eyes until my mood leveled out. When I opened them, the world was better and worse. Better because the thirst was under control. Worse because in its place a new interest had developed. I wanted answers to my questions. Who was Bella Swan? Was she the boring girl with the missing backbone or the nomad with the dirty feet and the disobedient attitude?

Minutes passed while I kept an eye on her. She sang along with the songs on her iPod and continued her toe tapping massacre of the counter. It was a rare honest glimpse into someone.

Once she finished her fruit, she hopped down from the counter and cleaned her plate. She then did something that baffled me. She took a spray cleaner and meticulously scrubbed every inch of the counter. When she was satisfied with her work, she put away the bottle and tossed the cloth into the trash. Just before leaving the house, she rested her palms on the counter top and whispered an apology.

Her childlike rebellion was flickering candlelight in a darkened room. An errant gust of wind would knock out the rest of her.

An unpleasant feeling formed in my gut, almost warm to the point of physical discomfort. No. Not happening. I felt nothing for her.

_Blood bag. Cattle. Food. _

No, not food. The Bella I saw today was someone with more potential than any of us previously thought. After all, she already accomplished one miracle.

She made me smile.

* * *

**Author's Note: I hope this Jasper comes across differently than my last one. I'm not sure what people were expecting from him, but for me, I wanted him to feel less angry and abrasive than LLF Jasper. This one has been beaten down over the last century and exists rather than lives. While he is capable of great cruelty and violence, neither rule his character.  
**

**As for Bella's fate, we'll just have to wait and see. After what happened, I think it's only fair to let Jasper have his say. Plus, his POV is necessary to reveal what happened after she lost consciousness.  
**

**Thanks for reading, and another thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. You guys make this little hobby so much fun.  
**

**The next chapter is also a Jasper POV. I'll try to have it ready next week. Until then, I raise a glass to St. Patrick and wish you all good health and a happy day.  
**

**- Cris  
**


	22. Chapter 22 Unbound

**Conversations with My Killer**  
Chapter 22 - Unbound

**Jasper POV**

History was often told through stories where facts were less important than the message. The American Civil War was a battle between slavery and freedom. The Confederate flag was a symbol of ignorance and racism. The South was wrong. The North was right.

All were oversimplifications and generic answers. The truth of a war was only understood by those who lived during its era. History was written as a lesson and never with an unbiased view.

My own history was a patchwork quilt. I pieced my human life together as best I could, but there was no denying its lack of depth. There were few things I could say with any certainty. One of them was that Human Jasper didn't fight to defend a rich man's right to own slaves. He was probably no more ignorant than others in that time and he was just as prejudice as most. The rebel flag meant nothing to him.

He very likely joined the army to escape the family farm. He could shoot a gun better than most and had a unique ability to make people listen when he talked. Glory and bloodshed did not interest him. He could and would kill a man to defend his own life, but it was not something he sought out. The pussy in him believed that fighting was for those too foolish to find a diplomatic solution.

Those days were long gone, and only the vampire remained. _I_ now fought and killed for my own amusement and to feed an unquenchable thirst. School yearbooks were a predator's catalog. Anyone wanting to predict my actions need only turn to page twenty-one. I always picked the brunette with the shy smile. They were my candy.

Speaking of sweets, Bella was in the next room pretending to be happy. Edward had been trying to clip her wings since their first meeting. It wasn't enough for him to keep her in a tiny cage. He wanted a flightless bird. Nothing was sadder than that.

Someone had to help her. Why not me? _Send her to me, Edward._

We had been discussing it for days. It was a one-sided conversation. I wanted time with Bella. If I didn't get it, I would turn the family over to the Volturi. Their contact with a human would lead to executions and other more unpleasant events. If he knew what was good for him, he would do as I asked.

_Now. _

Edward gave in. "I think it would be a good idea for you to spend some time with Jasper. He can give you a better idea of what being a vampire means."

_Shredded skin. Pooling blood. Begging and tears. _

The Cullens' world was not mine. What would Bella do when she realized that true vampires survived on blood but thrived on pain? Would her innocent eyes widen like those of an innocent puppy? Would she reject the truth and hold tight to the dream?

Edward warned her not to be offended by me. His fear was less about me and more about her. None of us knew her heart. Was it as tainted as my own or as pure as Esme's? No one could say, but we all had our suspicions. She was eager for this life, too eager.

"Go enjoy your talk," the false mate encouraged. "I'll be close by if you need me."

_Be kind to her, Jasper. She isn't like you. _

But she might be. The power held in that shuttered mind had us all on edge. Watching a newborn come to life was always thrilling. Bella already brought danger and hints of power. After awakening, would she sing with the parakeets or hunt with the birds of prey? Only time would tell, and her clock was winding down at an achingly slow pace.

She sat down to my right. The simple act was an earthquake to the already shaky ground beneath me. Venom heated my cold body and demanded a kill. My balance faltered. I lost my place on the map. My movements were rushed. I longed to dance with her and drink my fill. She'd be tart and crisp as an apple. If I could bite her just once, I would see her heart and know her mind.

Map. Think about the map.

Her blood. Her skin. Soft like flowers and twice as lovely.

Human. Edward's human. Get your head straight. Fuck.

The robot in me sat down. I exhaled the sour oxygen drowning my lungs. Mistake. The fresh air was polluted with her scent. My eyes were demanding I look at her, but I needed a minute longer. Looking would become touching. Touching would become feeding.

Think of something else.

Hummingbirds. Trochiliformes. White-tipped sicklebill. Frilled coquette. Crimson topaz.

Small and gentle. They hovered in the air with fluttering wings. Their bills dipped deep into a flower and extracted the nectar. Those little birds were a joke nature played on us all. No one judged the hummingbird like they did the vampire.

It was quiet. Our mud conversation had been easy. Why was this one different?

Speak. Anything was better than this silence. "I have a human in the dining room. It's been a while since I could say that."

Bella laughed. I had to look. I shouldn't have. Her face was flushed with the youth and vigor of fresh life. She was rarely unrestrained or happy. Today she was both. None of it came from me. This was all her.

I could feel her spirit begin to affect my own. It warmed my venom further and threatened to jump start my heart. She was joy.

The inevitable question came. "How long has it been?"

My last dining room kill was a safer topic than where my thoughts were leading me. How long had it been?

Too long. "Fourteen years, six months, eighteen days, fifteen hours, and twenty-eight minutes."

"Wow. Down to the minute. That's a bit much."

So was she. I closed my eyes and let the memories flow freely. It was a Halloween night. Children were tempting me with their laughter. I rarely killed anyone I suspected was younger than fifteen. That was my cutoff age. I couldn't say why.

Bella interrupted my thoughts. "Did you kill a child?"

Would it matter if I did? Again I peeked at the slim girl. Narrow-eyed judgment. What a pity and a challenge.

_Should I turn your pretty, Edward? Would she be like me? Would you still love her if she was?_

He answered back in a horrified whisper. "Leave her alone. She isn't like you."

Everyone was like me. Why pretend otherwise? _Remember when you killed that man outside the club? Has Bella heard that story? Would she stay with you if she did?_

That shut him up.

Back to Bella. We went back and forth. Her heart tapped out a heavy beat. It grew faster with each exchange. Princess Passive was not so good after all. Death excited her.

I reached for one of her hands and marveled at the softness. The slightest amount of pressure would bruise her skin and break her bones. How Edward kept from killing her was a mystery for the ages. I wanted to crush her beneath me and let her cries become a song.

The dangerous thoughts melded with my memories. Dead girls and cool October nights. "She didn't even fight me. She gave in with a small gasp and a feeling of almost euphoria. I picked a girl who wanted to die. I just didn't know it."

"But you're an empath. How could you not pick up on something like that?"

For the same reason I didn't see Bella. How many of us ever opened our eyes and our minds? We were all guilty of blindness. Until recently, mine extended to this creature.

Another question. She was full of them. "How long since your last human?"

Sylvia Masters. Mother of two. Loved my scones. Died last week at the age of sixty-four. "You really don't want me to answer that. I'll just say she was much older than the other two."

The dead matron had been kept in the coven's basement for two months while we fattened her up. Demetri and Felix joked that she was a fine wine. After finishing with her, I had to agree.

"Do you always kill females?"

Almost always. I lifted Bella's wrist to my mouth. Kissing it with my teeth was tempting. "I do prefer the taste of a female. We all have our specific preferences. Should I tell you more of mine? Has Edward told you all of his?"

And there it was.

The hunger in her eyes revealed a hidden piece of her soul. The Cullens wanted another follower in their cult of lies, but Edward brought them a bird of prey. Bella was no victim. Once turned, she would deliver pain and death with the cold satisfaction of a natural born killer.

I taunted Edward with the truth. _Ave de presa. She's fire and night. I dare you to let her hunt with her own kind._

He interrupted our fun. No slumber parties for Jasper and Bella. She was destined for elk blood and boring bear hunts. He wanted to tie her down with a commitment she wasn't ready for and a future that would never satisfy her.

Adding to his crimes, the lying fiancé let her believe I thought of her as prey. It was better for him if she feared me. Further conversations between us would make her rethink her current path and search the horizon for another.

**

* * *

**

Alice was the chihuahua in the family. She yapped in my ear constantly when I didn't follow her every command. When that didn't work, she climbed on my back like a possum. I usually dumped her in the nearest body of water or off any tall object I found to climb. She always saw the fall coming, but she still came along for the ride.

I tossed her close to the river we were passing by. "Will you ever shut up?"

"Never."

She danced lightly across the pebbles and let her flute laugh charm the trees around us. I envied her cheerful nature. After a year of living in a hunger demon's heaven, she was still Alice, always happy and never cruel like the rest of us.

"You can't change the plan," she informed me.

"Demetri changed it when he asked me to spend time with Bella. If you have concerns, bring them up to him. I'm only doing what I'm told."

"He doesn't see what I do. You need to distance yourself from her. No more conversations. If she walks in the house, you need to leave."

I'd rather kill myself. "What the hell am I supposed to do? Turn her over to him without an ounce of preparation? The tougher she is the longer she'll last."

"Be honest. You want her for yourself."

Maybe a little. "She belongs to Edward. I know this."

"Then stop making her question the path we've put her on. Bella will marry Edward. We will arrange for them to be taken during her change. They will help us win the war. The family will be safe. You will be free."

It was no longer that simple to me. "She doesn't love him. She will not kill for him, and I'm having serious doubts about her willingness to die for him. She may even decide to stay human."

"Have you become attached to her?"

Good question. Empty answer. "I barely know the chit."

Alice jumped onto a rock. "Listen to me. If you continue to spend time with her, you will end up trapped like me. It's what he wants."

Her libido trapped her. No one told Alice to climb onto Felix's dick. She did that on her own. Plans were complicated enough without him being her mate. Now her loyalties were split between the man she loved and the family she always wanted.

I wasn't stupid enough to let that happen. "Demetri wants Edward, not me."

"Don't lose sight of the truth. Bella is the goal. Edward is only a means to an end."

Demetri wanted them both, and I would deliver them. What happened after was none of my business. "I'm not going to get stuck. As soon as I hand over the girl, I'm gone."

She shook her head violently. "I've seen how you'll look at her. I've seen how you'll show her our world. You'll know her before she even knows herself. From there, I see nothing."

This was Alice's code for death. I was a cockroach. Bella, on the other hand, could barely survive crossing the street. She was fragile in both body and spirit, but there was unlimited potential in her. It was just hidden beneath a layer of self doubt Edward piled on top of her. The thought of her never pushing beyond that layer made me sad. He wanted her to think of herself as a pawn because he knew the balance of power would shift if she ever discovered she was the queen.

I refused to follow the same weak course as Edward. "I can't do it, Alice. If we're sending her to hell and back, we have to make sure she can survive the trip."

"You want her. Admit it."

_Shut up about Bella_. "I will not admit to feelings I do not have. Demetri wants her with Edward. The pair of them will help him take down Aro. I will give him this. I have to."

I said it like I was reading a script. Did I mean it? I wasn't sure. Would it matter if I didn't? No. I would stick with the plan. Bella belonged to Demetri, and I would see that he got her.

But he better treat her well or I'd kill him. Slowly. A piece at a time. With pleasure.

Bella. Bella. Bella. Fuck. I couldn't get her out of my head.

Edward always said she smelled like freesia and lavender. I never allowed myself to consider her scent beyond the obvious. She was blood. Letting her become anything more was asking for trouble.

Our conversations were never light, but they didn't allow for anything beyond the most superficial of interest on my part. I was able to keep that distance until she threw the sky at me with a simple hug. That she touched me at all was unacceptable. That it was a hug was unforgivable. All was forgotten when I breathed her into me.

She was not a plant of any sort. They sat around pleasing people with their beauty. Most required little effort. You planted them in the proper light, watered them, and fed them shit.

Bella Swan was better than that. She was the damp air after a spring rain, earthy and warm with a rainbow in her smile. The contrasts of nature clung to her. She was clean and fresh yet muddy and wet. Knowing her like this made the blood fade. In its place, a person emerged.

I should have run from her charms. She changed everything. I had always hated the sun. I needed the cool of a night sky and the guiding light of the moon. Bella made me want to walk into the daylight and let the heat of summer burn away my armor.

Alice, the scamp, thumped me on the forehead. "Snap out of it. You make it sound as if we're feeding her to lions. I'll be protecting her as will Felix and the others."

They weren't good enough. "Nothing compares to having the skills to protect herself. She should be allowed to reach her full potential."

Little Miss Moody stomped her foot into the rock cracking it down the center. "Stick with the plan. Why are you choosing now to grow a conscience?"

Because when the sun revealed my scars, Bella still saw my true face. For that brief moment, I wasn't a vampire or a villain. I was Jasper.

In the hours that followed, we talked of my past. Not once did she shy away from my scars, literal or figurative. Like our previous couple of conversations, she brought out the devil in me. I teased and prodded her temper.

After years of restrained exchanges with others, Bella left me unbound.

**

* * *

**

I could hear her body moving. Legs crossed and uncrossed. Her even breathing expanded and contracted her chest. Every few minutes, she brushed her hair back only to have it fall back in her face.

The burn in my throat matched the ache in my fingers. I longed to touch her. She would be soft, her skin smooth and unmarked except for the few scars she earned through falls and bad luck. The heat from her blood radiated off her and warmed the air around her. She was completely unaware that just a hint of her touch scorched my skin. In her presence, I was never cold.

She wore no perfume and any of the other ornamentations most girls preferred. Her only jewelry was a ring that never fit properly. It rested on the ring finger of her left hand. With enough pressure, a diamond could pierce my skin. This one needed no such pressure. Each reflection of light off its hard surface flayed me. I was a walking wound.

I was outside her house listening to her every move. She was about to leave. When she saw me, her eyes would widen in delighted surprise and her smile would match. I was always welcome.

A phone call stopped her. Edward. The prick. He was still on the scavenger hunt Alice sent him on. The whole thing was designed to grant me more time with Bella. I didn't know Alice would use a wedding theme.

Wedding. Hell no. Honeymoon night. Over my dead body. I'd sooner let him fuck me than my Bella.

My. Mine. Ours. Three words I needed to forget.

His. Hers. Theirs. Three words that made me gag.

My shy raven consumed me. Every potential victim was her but none compared. I was unsatisfied and dehydrated from hollow blood. Dark hair was never the proper shade. Lips were not plump enough. Smiles were empty. Voices were wrong. Nothing and no one relieved the tension building inside me.

I couldn't even eat out of my special kitchen. The girls tasted off. They cried too much and made promises their bodies couldn't keep. Sex with a vampire was a whore's death. To awaken without a mark was a label of its own.

How did Edward plan on explaining that one to his bride? Caustic cum was Felix's favorite description. Somehow I didn't think it would meet the Cullen standard. Lying to Bella about sex earned that boy a special place in hell, especially since it was the only way he convinced her to wear his ring.

Now me, I would go a different route. I'd bite her during the act. She'd get her sex and death at the same time. It was efficient, and it made my dick hard. Judging from past events, I needed to take special care with the legs. Flexible Fern in '58 hadn't been nearly as limber as she let on.

Bella was unhappy. "Edward, whatever you do to Jasper, I'll do to you. So shut your mouth, find your sister, and let me have some fun for a change."

She spotted me easy. I was hard to miss leaned up against the door like I was. "Defending me to Bob. You're so sweet."

Too sweet. I had to fix this shit. What would make her dislike me? Food class. I planned on taking her to a dog shelter but not for another couple weeks. I needed to bump up those plans. Puppies. Girls loved puppies. I should kill one of the dogs in front of her. Bella would run back to her tiny cage and lock it from the inside.

**

* * *

**

I messed up big time. We kept the dog. I shared my venom. I almost kissed Bella. She didn't know that, but I did.

We needed separation. Another state wasn't far enough. A different continent might work, but I knew I would find my way back to this rainy patch of hell.

Her. Bella. Goddammit.

And now him. Panama. Stupid name. I hated it. I hated him – for all of thirty minutes. He was the only dog brave enough to approach me. Half of one ear was missing. His fur was thin and his body too slight for his age. Someone had hurt him, but he still found the courage to ask for more love. I wanted to kick the bastard for being scarred and still whole.

How dare he be better than me. Stronger. A true survivor.

I was a liar and a fraud. My lessons with Bella were as much for myself as they were her. Be stronger. Fight harder. Know yourself. Defy your masters. I was begging her to be better than me. I challenged her to not disappoint me, but the silent demand was that she not disappoint herself.

I didn't need her to like me. I needed her angry and full of piss and vinegar. It would keep her from becoming a slave to other people's ambitions. My plans for her were hypocritical and just plain wrong, but if I played my cards right, I would be the first and last person to betray her.

My warped mind saw this as a good thing. I was helping her. The excuses built up a thick wall of crap in my head. I knew I was wrong. I knew I couldn't fix what I broke, but I could at least make it a monumental failure. Bella would never completely trust anyone ever again after I was done with her. Wasn't that better than her blindly following any sweet smelling man lucky enough to catch her interest?

Hell, I was doing her a favor. A big favor. She should thank me.

**

* * *

**

The vampire with me today was the wealthiest in the world. Information was his currency. Eleazar of the Denali coven was friend and foe to everyone. The Cullens believed him to be an ally, but the truth was more complicated. They didn't know he offered up his services in exchange for being left in peace. Unlike the Cullens, the Denali coven didn't have someone like me keeping watch over them.

Eleazar's ability allowed him to detect and identify skills in others. He abhorred the idea of contributing to Aro's search for new protégées, but I assured him this would go no further than me.

His mission was to observe Bella and give me an assessment of her ability. This was his second time seeing her. I hoped he would be able to get a better grasp on what she could do.

We were hidden in the trees outside the Swan house. Charlie and Bella were enjoying a quiet dinner. It smelled divine. I should be in there with them. I'd pretend to eat. I could chat with Charlie, stare at Bella, and pet the dog. All good things.

Being close to her would calm me. I was agitated to the point of combustion. My fights were more violent but my kills less frequent. I was at odds with myself and everyone close to me. No one knew from one minute to the next what I would do.

Not helping matters was a festering whore named Jessica Stanley. She made Bella cry. The leaking infuriated me. When I heard her gossip that I shared my mate, I decided to break the bitch in half. If Eleazar would hurry up with his job, I could get started on that.

He finally spoke. "Edward's been holding out on you."

Doubtful. Alice would have seen it. "If it's the secret to good pot roast, I could give two fucks. Give me something I can use."

"What do you know of her family?"

I rattled off the facts as I knew them. "Grandparents are dead. Mother is a useless waste of space. Father is an upright citizen. Why?"

"As I said before, the girl is powerful."

"And?"

There was a prolonged pause. "She gets it from her father."

**

* * *

**

My day started great. I saw Bella in her pajamas. She was in Edward's bed, but I could overlook that detail. Her skin didn't flush because of him. Those red cheeks were on account of me.

I even whistled happily as I went downstairs with little Panama at my side. It was a good day that turned to shit when I was slapped in the face by a wedding dress that symbolized a promise made to another man.

Seeing it shocked me stupid. I stood like an idiot staring at the thing. Why was it here? How could I make it go away?

Esme and Rosalie were admiring it and chatting happily about the big day. I was numb while I listened to them. Little by little, they detailed the different gifts Edward brought home with him.

I had known about Alice's game, but I never asked for specific details. She was officially on my shit list for making this dress the prize at the end of the scavenger hunt. She did it on purpose to send me a message. Bella was his.

Esme flashed me a dazzling smile. Good woman. Bad question. "Won't Bella make the most beautiful bride?"

I couldn't form words. They got stuck somewhere between my mind and my mouth.

Rosalie grew concerned. "You look like someone stabbed you in the neck. Are you okay?"

No one had so much as an inkling of my true feelings. Hell, I didn't even know what they were. And I damn sure couldn't sort them out here.

"I gotta go."

Esme stopped me. "But you didn't say what you think of the dress."

How about the truth? "She'll look good buried in it."

**

* * *

**

My mission was compromised. I cared too much. Fuck. Just fuck.

I couldn't think or concentrate. Everything was her. On a clear day, the sky was a shade of blue to compliment her skin tone. Her laughter made the sun shine brighter, and her yawns sent it to bed.

I was a mess. A disaster. She ruined me.

I couldn't figure out if what I felt was genuine or a product of my ability. Did a small bit of interest get magnified beyond its true depth? Was this real? Did I care for Bella? Could she possibly feel something for me? There was no way of knowing.

Being an empath was a curse. I couldn't rely on experience. I'd never loved anyone. I couldn't rely on facts. There were none. I had nothing but instinct and a dull ache in my chest, and that could be from drinking too much blood.

If I went with instinct, it told me that Bella was a flint's edge to my steel. With enough practice, she would perfect the primitive skill. I needed her long gone before that happened. The fire would kill us all.

_Forget her. She's nothing._

Our hidden beach was where my feet led me. Panama tagged along. He was a good boy that loved to play fetch. I should have known Bella would show up and add to my misery. I almost wanted her to drown after she jumped from the cliff's edge.

The magical creature walked out of the water looking like a gift from Poseidon. Wet clothes were inviting me to admire womanly curves. I liked the extra weight on her. She'd fit my hands just right.

Shit. Now I needed to adjust the trident in my shorts.

I tried to make her feel as unwelcome as possible. "Edward is home. You shouldn't be here."

Bella wasn't getting the hint that I wanted her gone. Probably because it was the last thing I wanted. I should grab her up and run away from here. We could take the dog and find a new life. Demetri would find us and have me killed, but a few weeks of bliss would make it worth it.

Somehow we ended up talking about baking. I had trouble following the conversation. Droplets of water rolled down smooth skin. I followed their trails with my eyes and let my imagination touch what my hands couldn't.

"So what would you prefer thinking about?" she asked.

Her. All the time. Right now. It was immediate and constant. Did those even work together? I couldn't say.

I had to tell her. She should know what she did to me. "I think of the taste of your blood. Whether or not you would fight me. The sound of you screaming. Where I should kill you. I've decided on my shower. It's big and easy to clean."

We'd be wet. Hell, she already was. We could do this now.

"Anything else? Preferably non-bloody."

I used her shirt to pull her closer to me. "The way your voice makes me feel like the sun is always shining. How stunning you look wearing wet clothes. The way your hair falls down your back. The color of your lips."

This girl inspired sinful thoughts and impossible dreams.

"Does Edward hear any of that?" she asked.

"No, but he will now. I can't stop thinking about you."

I had to have a taste. Just once. Now. Right now. I leaned down to kiss her, and she pushed me away.

The fuck? I could feel her lips, but they weren't there. Where was the kissing? Why weren't we kissing?

I was a moth to her flame, and she burned me. "That's nice. Can we talk about what else he hears?"

I didn't quite catch on. "Are you screwing with me?"

"No. I'm tired of all the nonsense. I want to know what's going on with you."

Her. Goddammit. What else was there? Nothing. She was it, and she shot me in the heart.

For the first time in a century, I let my guard down, and this was what I got in return. I was devastated. She cut me deeper than venom and teeth ever had. The beast within demanded her death. I threw her in the water. It was the only thing I could think of to get her away from me.

In the minute it took for her to recover herself, I thought maybe there was a chance she would fix this. Apologize. Beg for my forgiveness. Tell me she cared for me. Anything.

Bella shoved a finger in my chest and stung the very spot she wounded. "You do that again, and I won't talk to you for a week."

Good, you whiny confusing cock teasing little bitch. I wanted to twist her head off her neck and feed it to our dog. I settled for tossing her ass back in the water. It seemed smart at the time.

And then I left her to climb out of the hole she dug herself into. If she fell to her death, it would be unfortunate and completely her fault. Edward was right. She was silly and ridiculous. A hard spanking would do her a world of good.

Years of practice allowed me to shut my heart off. Bella was nothing but a means to an end. Allowing her to become more would lead to my end, and she wasn't worth it.

**

* * *

**

I was a powder keg waiting to explode. I warned the family to keep Bella away from me. Initially, it was a joke to them. They thought this was no different from the times when they became attracted to me. Even Edward bought into it at first, until I gave him a clear picture of how many ways I wanted to torture and kill his bride.

After that vivid imagery, Edward straightened the family out. They were now keeping her very close. She wasn't allowed to be alone for even a minute. If she had been, I would have loved her and killed her.

Time away from her did nothing to diminish my anger. If anything, it grew. Everyone noticed. When I was away from the house and reporting to Demetri, the vampires I ran across gave me a wide berth. My name was attached to lies and legends, and no one wanted to add to that.

Demetri pulled me aside after a meeting. "What happened?"

"It doesn't matter."

He cleared the house to give us some privacy before pointing at my chair. "Sit."

I wished I could cry. It was a brutally uncomfortable chair. Tradition dictated we sit on these throne like monstrosities, but my ass objected. Living with the Cullens had softened me. I needed soft fabrics, padded cushions, and brightly lit rooms.

Casa Kill was a dungeon that smelled like dead people and cheap candles. The furniture was medieval. The windows were cloaked in dark curtains. Sounds ranged from moans to screams and crying.

I did as I was told. It never occurred to me not to. Demetri would always have my loyalty for being the one who saved me from Jane's table games. A decade of living under her thumb left me more scarred than Maria's wars. My saving grace came when Aro sent his best tracker to replace her.

I was little more than a rabid animal when he found me. He gave me fresh blood and time to heal. Years were required for my mind to return to anything resembling sanity. When the day came for me to prove my obedience, I did exactly as he instructed.

Peter and Charlotte were wanted criminals. I resented them for the easy life they enjoyed while I suffered. Killing them brought me a great deal of satisfaction. It was only years later that guilt began to eat at me. They had trusted me, and I turned on them with glee.

I still didn't know if I was a man or a monster. Demetri was the devil holding my soul tightly in his fist. If I could get free of him, maybe I could find some answers. Just once I wanted to look in the mirror and see myself instead of my crimes. Just once.

He leaned back in his chair and propped his boots up on the table. "Talk."

It was all Bella. She did this to me. I had to be free of her before I went insane again. "Let me bring you the girl. She's easy enough to control. If you can make her shut up for longer than five minutes, you might even like her."

"Do you like her?"

Confession came easy with him. "I want her gone. She sucks the life out of everything and steals it for herself. I hate her."

Demetri smiled. "Sounds familiar."

He was comparing her to Maria. I couldn't let that stand. "You've got it wrong. Bella is a good girl. Smart. Funny. She attacked me over Panama. You should have seen her."

"Alice says you've grown too attached. Is she right?"

Sort of, but only a little. I went with my regular excuse. I even believed it. "You know how it works for me. A human develops a crush, and I feel it, too. It'll go away with time. It always does."

"And if it doesn't?"

I rejected the very idea. "She's nothing. Do with her what you want."

I heard the disappointment in his sigh. It was times like these when I almost allowed myself to believe I was more to him than a favorite prisoner. He never gave me reason to doubt him, but distrust was as much a part of me as my scars.

His boots hit the floor as he sat forward. "I won't lie to you, son. I'd much rather have her here with you than Edward. He might bring us more trouble than she's worth."

"What are you saying?"

"Stay with us, and I'll give you the girl. When the time comes, you can even kill Jane. With you at my side, we'll be unstoppable."

No. I wasn't staying. Not for Bella, him, or anyone else. I needed fresh air and a place to call my own.

Demetri didn't understand. He didn't see the way people shunned me when he wasn't around. Women wouldn't touch me. Men wouldn't talk to me. I was alone in a crowded room. Everyone either feared me or wanted to fight me.

Not to mention, there was a price on my head for all the executions I did at his behest. Without his protection, I would be lucky to have five good years before a large enough group managed to find me and kill me.

If Bella was with me, it would make her a target. To keep her safe, I would have to stay with Demetri. There would no end to my long nightmare. I would be the same prisoner I was now, only Bella would share my cell.

He risked a dangerous question. "Do you care for her, Jasper?"

Ice ran through my veins and clashed with my venom. "She is nothing to me."

I believed the words and would wear them as a shield against her. Bella was a weapon strong enough to take what little was left of me, and I'd already lost enough.

* * *

**Author's Note: A couple of tidbits in this one. Alice and Felix are mates and partners, which explains part of why she didn't want Bella telling Jasper about Felix's kidnapping attempt. I hope it also puts a slight spin on their interactions in Ch 19.  
**

**So I'm curious how people feel about Jasper now. Love him? Hate him? One thing's for sure, he is very conflicted about Bella. **

**As always, thanks for reading. I really hope you enjoyed the chapter. Jasper POV's are always fun for me. **

**I'll try to have Chapter 23 up next Thursday.  
**

**- Cris  
**


	23. Chapter 23 Pieces

**Conversations with My Killer**  
Chapter 23 - Pieces

**Jasper POV**

**The day Jasper crushed Edward's throat**

I couldn't sleep, but I had to be dreaming. She was here. Bella. In a hotel room. Alone with me.

Who knew I tasted like pomegranate pepper jelly? Sweet and tart with a little heat. I was fire on her tongue. Fuck blood. This girl nourished me.

Hearing her description sent my mind into a tailspin. Forbidden fruit. Persephone. Innocence dragged into the underworld. Demeter. Make her mine. Show her my hell.

Edward heard my thoughts and applied them too literally to the myth. I saw in his eyes that he believed I would abduct her. Crushing his throat was punishment for thinking so low of me. I usually only kidnapped people when I needed a nibble. One of the reasons I brought Emmett along was to silence any questions about my intentions.

None of that mattered now. Bella was with me tonight. "Come here."

I didn't say it out loud, but she heard me. A shy smile paired with undulating hips. Damn.

She was aware of Emmett being able to hear us. "The room is bigger than I expected."

I put my hand where it belonged. Her neck. "I love the view. I've missed the feel of it."

"Have you?" she asked with a teasing smile.

Her skin was a cloud against my lips. She was soft to the touch and so very warm. "I can feel the pulse of the river. The ships breeze through the water like air. It's the blood, the breath, and the life of this town. Nothing is more valuable than that."

Bella grew nervous. "I should probably stay with Emmett."

I kissed her lightly. It barely counted. "Should you?"

"Yes."

Closer. She had to be closer. "I don't think I'll let you."

She wanted me to kiss her. One would turn into two. Two would lead to ten. Eventually she would ask me to stop. I wouldn't. She would die. Then she would be no good to me at all, and I needed her goodness. Maybe then, I would find some of my own.

I stepped back from temptation. "There are clothes and toiletries in the bag. You should take a shower. I'm going out."

"What?"

A few hours apart wouldn't kill her. I dealt with it all week. Dealing with things was my job. In three minutes, I'd be dealing with a hard task in the privacy of a dark corner. Shame on me. Once I finished that pleasurable but unfulfilling chore, I'd deal with Demetri.

* * *

**Later that night**

Tonight's meeting was with a small coven out of California. Demetri had on his Volturi hat while he discussed possible recruits. Aro was shopping for a new tourist trap to work with Heidi in luring humans to their last supper. He thought an American with girl next door looks would be appealing. He wanted her passably attractive and in no way intimidating.

Demetri was also keeping an eye out for recruits to add to his own guard. Protective instincts and heightened agility were at the top of his wish list. The reasons were obvious. Once his duplicity was revealed, he would need all the protection he could get.

The meeting ended, and I was now waiting for my warden to return from sending off the guests.

Maria sidled up to me with a glass of reheated blood. "Thirsty?"

I would sooner jump in front of a train than drink from her cup again. "No."

"Your loss." She sniffed my shirt and made a face. "I smell your puppy."

She wasn't referring to Panama. "Keep calling her that. She'll love hearing it when you two finally meet."

I was counting on torn clothes, hair pulling, and some smoke.

Alice got between us and hip bumped her nemesis out of the way. "Go suck a cold cock. Six new ones just left."

And that was why I liked Alice.

Demetri came in and shooed everyone away. "Take a jog. I need to talk to Jasper."

What had I done this time? Judging from the confusion on Alice's face, she didn't know either. Her mate had to drag her out of the room. She rubbernecked it the whole way.

I sat back down in my chair and waited to see how bad this would be. When he knew the others were well enough away, Demetri gave me a look that told me he expected a confession. There was any number of things I could tell him. None were good.

"I swear I haven't taken anyone else."

He shook his head. So this wasn't about Jessica.

I tried again. "I didn't decapitate Edward. He still had flesh attached."

That wasn't it either.

Round three. "I know I shouldn't have brought Bella with me, but she said this thing about pomegranates. I got a little stupid. Seeds. The underworld. Hades. Demeter. You know how it -"

"Cut the shit, and tell me why Eleazar was in Forks."

Fuck me hard. No really. It was preferable to giving him the truth. I couldn't do it. "I paid my money. The information is mine."

Bella loved her father. After everything I was doing to her, I couldn't bring Charlie into this mess. I owed her that much.

Demetri kept pushing. "I know which hotel she's at. Do you want me to have some of the boys pay her a visit? They're already waiting just outside. If they don't hear from me soon, they may get restless."

He was bluffing. I didn't even get angry. Cold hard facts sent a much better message, and it was time he knew where I stood. "You and I both know how this works. You live because I allow it. Touch Bella and that will change."

My rare show of insubordination made him proud, but he still wanted a confession. "You love her, don't you?"

I didn't love anyone. I wasn't capable of it, and if I was, I couldn't love her. "I want an equal, not a silly girl with a broken compass that causes her to drift aimlessly."

"And yet, you care enough to help her find north. What does that say?"

"I admire a woman with a sense of direction."

Demetri collapsed into his chair. He wore exhaustion like a newborn wore thirst. Mental fatigue was not something venom could prevent or repair.

"Why do you insist on making life hard for yourself?" he asked. "Do I need to call in Jane again? You know I hate that."

I would kill him to save Bella but not to save myself. Fucking stupid. "I'm not telling you anything. Call Jane. Hell, I'll do it for you."

A surge of satisfaction ran through him. He even smiled. "I know about the father. He's a shield like his daughter."

Of course he knew. Eleazar probably went straight to him with the information. Tonight's interrogation was a test. Now Demetri knew I liked Bella. Love was a stretch, but _like_ fit perfectly.

I liked her hair. Those tiny freckles across her nose. The way her lips twitched when she tried not to smile. I even liked seeing her with Edward. She always frowned, which told me she wasn't as happy with him as she was with me.

Bella. I bet she was hungry right now. Emmett wouldn't think to bring her food. She was probably interrogating him about me and the rest of the family. What would she like to eat? A cheeseburger with extra pickles. She always made these little moaning sounds when she ate her favorite meal. I liked hearing them.

No love. Nope. Nada. Nothing. _Like_ was good enough for me.

Demetri shouted my name. Thinking about Bella made me deaf.

"Yeah, what?"

"What is wrong with you tonight?"

Short brunettes with puppy dog eyes and creamy white thighs. And now I rhymed. Embarrassing.

Demetri managed to get my attention and keep it. "Consider the options Charlie brings to the table. If we have him, we don't need her."

I had already put some thought into this. "He isn't like us. Even using Bella against him won't work. He would choose the lives of a thousand innocents over his own and Bella's."

"You could be wrong. Why not give it a chance and see what happens?"

Because it was pointless. "You've never met him. Charlie is a good man. He'll never be one of us."

"And what if he doesn't have to be?"

I was one distracted ass because of that girl, but even at my best, the question would have confused me. "I don't get what you mean."

"Eleazar believes he's a full shield, which means no on-off switch."

And? "If he told you that, then you also know Charlie's shield is probably only shared through touch. Even if it isn't, you still need his cooperation. What's to keep him from running away or jumping in a fire?"

The reason vampires were executed for their crimes was because they rarely made willing prisoners. The only way to keep them contained was by ripping them apart and putting them back together on a bed of spikes. The body healed around the metal and minimized their mobility.

Even then, you had to wear them down mentally, or they would break free. The only way of doing that was by denying them blood over a prolonged period. This required someone like Jane, who could set a fire within them and keep it burning for months.

Demetri didn't have anyone capable of making this happen. The only two I knew of were in Aro's pocket.

"What are you not telling me? Have you found a weapon?"

He shook his head slowly. "Nothing says Charlie has to be in one piece to help our cause."

It was demented and brilliant all at once. "Where did you come up with that idea?"

A mad scientist's twinkle lit his eyes. "It didn't come to me until you mentioned pomegranates."

One fruit. Hundreds of seeds. You could spread them out, but there was no changing that they still came from the one fruit. Charlie would be dispersed amongst the coven and kept as a token. The pain would be unending. Leaving a vampire in pieces was what we did to traitors.

The smooth voice of a devil filled the room. "Think about it, son. You could keep the girl and let me have him. I'll grant you protection. All you have to do is choose her over her father. It's what you want."

I shook my head. No. This was too far even for me.

"Jasper, you know I have to have one of them. The plans are locked in my mind. Aro will discover them upon my next visit. I only have a decade to do this."

If Demetri didn't win this war, every follower in his coven would be executed. Alice's participation would implicate the Cullens. They would die as would Bella.

I couldn't let that happen. This was why he pushed me to talk to her. She was bait he used to get me to stay. With me training his army and fighting at his side, the odds of winning multiplied.

Every piece of me rebelled against his plot. Fuck him. I wouldn't stay for her. I wouldn't fight for him. "Take them both for all I care."

"Intriguing notion, but how would I motivate them? Should I kill the mother and put blame on the Volturi? Your Bella would fight hard indeed."

_You don't care. None of it matters. _

He kept trying to get a reaction out of me. "You say she's clumsy. I can't imagine she'll fight with any skill. She may not even survive. That would be a shame."

_She's nothing._

"If I kill the Cullens, someone will have to comfort the girl. Imagine the fun I could have with her. In time, she'll be as well trained as Maria."

I had him by the throat and thrown on the ground before I even knew the idea occurred to me. "Enough."

Demetri was unfazed. "Kill me, and the bounty Aro will put on your head will make you the most hunted vampire on the planet. You won't last a month."

"When I tell him I saved his coven from you, he'll set me free."

He laughed at me. "Aro will consider you a co-conspirator and hand you over to Jane."

He was right. She would put me back on her table. How long would it last this time? Years. Decades. A century. I had no way of escaping any of this. I should jump into a bonfire and end it all.

I collapsed from the inside out. Nothing. No choices. No future. I had nothing.

I hated everyone. The Cullens for not knowing how good they had it. Alice for dragging Bella into this mess. Me for letting it happen. Maria for living an easy life after all the hell she caused in mine. Where was the justice in that? Why wasn't there any for me?

"You're making this too complicated, Jasper. Just tell me what you want. Should I take the girl or the father?"

I released his neck and sat back against the wall. "Stop making this out to be my decision. You can and will do what you want. I have nothing to do with any of it."

"You have everything to do with it. How many choices have ever been offered to you? Isn't that what you want more than anything? What do you think freedom is? Do you think it comes without cost? Should it? Would you value it as much if it did?"

My first real choice in a century shouldn't be between the girl I liked and the father she loved. "You just want to torture me. It's all you Volturi ever do."

"I want you alive again. When did the fire stop burning? When did you give up? You've been little more than a statue for decades. How will you survive out in the wild if you have nothing to live for?"

I would live for myself. It was enough.

Demetri put a fatherly hand on my shoulder. "I don't want you to die because I let you go free. She makes you want to fight again. Do it."

I shrugged his hand off. "Don't make us out to be friends. You're using Bella as bait to get me to stay with you."

"What's wrong with that? I'd rather you fight for me than die for nothing. Sooner or later, you'll be killed by some piece of shit wanting to make a name for himself."

What did that matter? The end was still the end. "I don't care."

"But she will."

I ruled the Kingdom of Denial, but even I couldn't ignore the depth of Bella's feelings. I refused to call it love, but I was important to her. I needed to resolve this, so I could go be with her. A minute in her company would calm my fears and allow me to forget my bleak reality. At most, I had weeks left with her.

Getting rid of Edward was now priority one. He would fill her head with lies about me and make her too afraid to be in the same room with me. I wouldn't use my time to try to steal her away. I would use it to fill my head with memories to last me the rest of my existence. I could replay them again and again and know that she gave me my best days.

The decision was made. "I'll give you the girl."

It wasn't easy by any means, but it was the smartest decision. Bella gave Demetri the best chance of success. The plan to split Charlie into pieces would weaken his shield significantly. We had no way of knowing if it would be strong enough to cancel out Alec and Jane's abilities. Bella, on the other hand, was immensely powerful. Given time and training, she would be unstoppable.

Demetri wanted more. He was never satisfied. "Does this mean you'll join us?"

"To what end? She'll hate me when she learns what I've done."

"Not when she figures out you saved her father."

Saved him from what? A life without his daughter? I didn't do anything good or honorable here tonight. I picked between two terrible options. Bella would become a part of the hell Demetri called home, and I would always hate myself for allowing it to happen.

* * *

**After returning to Forks.**

Edward was swimming to Borneo. Bella had no explanation for it. I personally didn't care too much. If his bloodless ass wanted to play in the ocean, so be it.

Besides, I had a million other concerns. The wolves wanted a meeting as soon as Bella and I returned from our field trip. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them to get bent, but I played the good guy.

Carlisle and Emmett went with me. The meeting was short and to the point. Bella was safe and happy. Edward was a dumbass. My fake family didn't like that description, but Sam and Jacob agreed with me. The moment of kinship made me warm and fuzzy.

Once I had the wolves straightened out, Alice came to me with her nonsense. She kept seeing disasters and death on the horizon. It was all related to me growing too close to Bella. I shut that down with a simple word.

Done. I wouldn't talk to her, think about her, or see her. Bella was not my problem.

That lasted all of three days. I didn't even go to see her. I wanted time with Panama. The little beast had me by the heart. I might have even loved him a little. He was like me. All he wanted was fresh food, a place to lie down in the sun, and a comely brunette to give him a rubdown. We were kindred spirits.

Of course, seeing him meant seeing her. She blinded me again. And her smiles. Damn. They were all I would ever have of her, and they would never be enough.

Something hit me in the chest and brought me back to reality.

Alice was glaring up at me. We were supposed to be meeting about Edward. I couldn't care less about him. Ten miles from here, Bella was washing dishes or reading a book. If I didn't see her soon, the darkness would overwhelm me again. She was the only thing keeping the shadows at bay.

"I have to tell you something, but you can't get mad."

It was only now that I noticed Alice wasn't herself today. The happiness that clung to her was missing. She was afraid.

I took one of her hands and walked with her in the trees. She really was a sweet girl. She wanted the best for her family and me. I didn't agree with how she went about it, but it didn't change her intentions. They were good, even if the methods were not.

"I'm sure we can fix whatever happened," I told her lightly.

"You can't tell Demetri. Promise you won't tell him."

So dramatic this one. "Fine. I promise."

"I know where Edward is, and I know why Demetri can't track him."

Wonderful. She was up to something again, and when that happened, my life always grew more complicated. "This better not be about Bella. We've done enough to her."

"It's about the family. I came up with an idea. An exploit you could call it. Edward is testing my theory."

Wait a minute. "Did you meet with him that night he came after me with the wolves?"

A guilty nod and a tiny voice. "Yes. I had to set the houses on fire first, but after everyone separated, I went looking for him."

Throwing her into a tree was mighty tempting. "Talk fast."

"I don't like how Demetri can track the family. I've been trying to figure out a way around it, and I came up with one. I sent Edward to meet with someone in Miri. It's that city in -"

"I know where it is. Get to the point."

"This vampire has never been in contact with the Volturi. Edward is traveling with him, and my friend is making all the decisions about where they go and when. So far, Demetri hasn't been able to narrow down where they are. My plan worked."

Oh my hell. "Who else knows about this? Did you tell Felix?"

"No. I wanted to make sure it worked first. I've only told you."

She was going to be the death of me. "Think about this for a minute. What would Demetri do if he knew about this?"

"Kill me. But Felix won't tell him."

"They were partners for centuries. He'll know his friend is keeping something from him. I'm not saying you can't trust your mate. I'm saying you need to protect him by keeping quiet."

Alice put the pieces together and figured out that Demetri would eliminate anyone possessing the ability to escape him. Loyalty and friendship didn't matter. Power mattered. Bella was the lone exception and only because he needed her.

"I only wanted to find a way for the family to hide," Alice said in a small voice. "They shouldn't have to be afraid. That's all I wanted."

I gave her a hug. "I know you're trying to help them, but you need to start thinking about the dangers your decisions bring with them. You see the future, but you don't always fully register the consequences."

Her fear was palpable and what I had to say next wouldn't offer any relief. "Your plan hasn't worked like you think. You're not the only person to come up with this idea."

"I'm not?"

Dozens had tried it, and they all failed. "It will work for a time, but once he puts his full attention on the task, he finds his prey. You can't escape him, Alice. Believe me, I've tried."

The one good thing to come out of this was I now knew why Edward was missing. The bad man in me decided to use it to my advantage.

"Will you hold off telling him to come home?"

Alice scrunched up her face. "Because of her?"

Admitting it made my throat burn hotter than usual. "Yes."

"Only if you tell me the truth. Do you love her?"

Why did everyone keep throwing that word at me? I wanted to scorch the planet every time I heard, thought, felt or acknowledged the very possibility of love. Happy hearts had no place in my life. They brought hope but always left misery in their wake.

Fuck love. In the ear, up the ass, and through the nose. "I want more time. It's nothing."

"You say that too much for it to be true."

Her throat. My hands. Tempting.

I never fought as hard against anything in my life as I did Bella. For a bit of nothing, she sure was something.

I loved when her long lashes closed over her eyes and shut me out. Demure and grave. I could feel her hesitancy and tried to use it to cool my blazing need to touch her. It only heated me further. I was lost in that girl.

"Will you stay for her? Is she worth it?"

I could feel my dreams of freedom slipping away. A new dream was kicking the old one in the ass and sending it on its way.

_Cattle. Food. Nothing. _New dream was made of lies and heartbreak. I didn't want it.

_Liar. _What hope was there to escape from my obsession? None. Bella was ripping holes in me that would make sharp teeth proud. She shredded me with kind eyes and meaningful touches.

"You want her."

Hell yes, I wanted her. I wanted her more than anything. The thought of losing her was worse than all the memories of my past put together. They burned my flesh, but she would haunt me down to the last days of my existence. Every part of her was carved deeper into me than my scars.

And still, I pushed her away. The coward in me knew I would have to reveal the truth of my deception, and when I did, she would hate me. I couldn't bear it. I'd rather put myself on Jane's table and suffer the witch's wrath than see hate and distrust in Bella's eyes.

I was weak and pitiful. She deserved better, and she would have better. "I won't stay for her."

* * *

**A couple weeks later.**

Alice's plan hinged on Bella and Edward being a couple. I wasn't sure how she planned on getting the smug toad to actually cooperate, but that wasn't my problem. My job was to deliver the girl. Since I was charged with protecting her during her change, I had a leg up on that action.

What we weren't counting on was the mental memo Alice received while I was enjoying a Swan family breakfast. It was a thing I did now. I visited every morning so I could see Charlie and Panama. Bella just happened to live there. It was nothing.

So what if I smeared cream cheese on her bagel and pulled her chair out for her. I was being a polite. It wasn't like I was courting her. I was visiting our dog and her dad. Charlie and I talked about baseball. I liked baseball. It was my second favorite sport.

When Alice called, I was tempted to ignore her. Nothing good ever came my way when she needed me.

_Come with me to Arizona. It'll only ruin your life worse than it was already. No biggie._

"What?" I asked once I was out of the house.

"We have a problem."

"No, you have a problem, and you want me to fix it."

Charlie was talking. He was way more important than the birdling on the phone. "Hold on a second," I told Alice.

"What's going on with you and Jasper?" the non-dapper dad asked.

Bella was embarrassed. Adorable. "He's my friend. We talk."

"You talk. And smile. And make eyes at each other when the other isn't looking."

Hell yeah, we did.

I needed to get back in the house so we could do it again. "Make it quick. You have twenty seconds."

"As of three minutes ago, Edward is canceling the wedding. He might change his -"

I hung up before she could finish.

No wedding. Huh. A warm feeling spread from my toes to my tonsils. I couldn't let it go any higher because then my brain would ruin all the fun by picking a fight with my heart.

I went back in the house. Charlie was on his way out. I only caught the last part of what he said. "Our girl, Jasper."

Three words that worked for me just fine. Better than fine. She was mine. At least, she should be. I sat down to ponder the possibilities.

In fifty years, Bella would still be the girl who laughed at goofy pictures. We could catch birds together and race each other in the trees. I could see us adopting a couple of stray dogs and letting them be our kids. We would be happy together.

Sure, I would have to stay close to Demetri or risk being hunted like an animal, but this didn't seem like such a huge sacrifice now. What good was a life of my own if Bella wasn't in it?

The dishes shook. I glanced at heaven. Why was she beating her head against the table? Humans did the strangest things. When she kept at it, I wasn't sure if I should stop her or not. Head injuries were nothing to play with, especially when I needed her mind in immaculate condition for her change.

She stopped on her own after a few hard whacks. "Edward always tells me I'm going to give myself a concussion. He stops me. You never do."

"Honestly, I keep hoping you'll knock yourself out."

She turned her head to the side and looked at me. "Why?"

If I was close to her while she slept, maybe I could trick my mind into believing I was at rest. She was the only person I trusted enough to try it with.

Ahh, shit. This wasn't a catastrophe on the order of the Titanic, but it was pretty damn bad. I trusted her. I respected her. I wanted to protect her, and I would serve her.

Bella was my mate.

No point in denying it. She had me. If screaming helped her function, I would shriek along with her. If crying made her feel better, I would bite a hole in my arm and let the venom drip. I couldn't cry, but I could burn. For her, I would.

Even seeing her goofy self beat her head against a table charmed my brain thick. She was mine. I was hers, or at least I would be after she changed. I better be. I had no guarantee she would return my affections.

_Not possible. She loves me. I can feel it. _

I needed to slow down and work this out. How did you tell someone you liked them after spending a couple months treating them like shit? I had only done it because it was better if she didn't grow attached to me. It wasn't like I enjoyed hurting her feelings or pushing her away.

I even kidnapped a girl for her. If that didn't say best friends and an eternity of loyal devotion, what did? Sure, Jessica wasn't dead yet, but I'd get around to it soon.

Okay. I could do this. I took a couple deep breaths and steadied my shaking hands. I then very carefully pushed a fallen lock of hair behind one of her ears and rubbed my thumb gently over her cheek.

_No bruising. Here goes nothing._ "It'll probably be the only time I'll get to watch you sleep."

It wasn't a declaration. I did that with my emotions. I forced them out of me, leaving myself bare.

I exhaled a ton of air and waited. A frown came first. Her forehead wrinkled up into a scowl. Shit. I hurt her without even meaning to. It was in her eyes and bursting out of her chest in heavy waves. I wanted to die before she spoke. The feeling worsened when she finally did.

"You can't keep throwing words like that at me and then push me away again. It hurts."

"This time is different."

_I promise. Give me a chance to prove it._

Bella trampled on my heart. I had no one to blame but myself. You couldn't put someone through hell and not expect a few flames to come back on you.

_Let her have her moment. She deserves it. _

She yelled and called me out for my deceptive nature. I was proud of her for not putting up with my garbage. She didn't melt over my pretty eyes and sweet smell. This was the girl I wanted, not some mealy-mouthed fool with a vacant skull and a passive personality.

It wounded me when she kicked me out, but I didn't let it bother me too much. Bella wouldn't be angry if she didn't care. The truth was staring us both in the face. I had her just as surely as she had me. It would take a bit of time, but eventually, we'd make it work.

* * *

**The night he came home with red eyes.**

It didn't take long to wear Bella down. Soon she was in my hands and buried deep in my chest. We were good. Nah. Better than good. We were great. I spent time with her dad. Good man. Better father. Life was perfect and getting more so with every day.

Then I paid a visit to my master. It was an escape more than a visit. Bella's body demanded attention I couldn't give her. Mine craved things she wouldn't survive.

Worse than that, she said the L word again. I didn't dare let it take hold of me. Love led to loss, every single time. My family. My friends. I killed them all. If I loved her, I would kill her, too. Did the dreaded emotion nibble at my black heart? Yes. Would I let it consume me? No. I cared too much to let love destroy us both.

Demetri was alone when I arrived. I confessed my fears to him right away. He could only stare at me with a blank expression and an open mouth. He was no help at all.

"Fucking tell me something," I roared.

"Jasper, you don't have to be afraid of this."

And that helped how? I ran my hands through my hair. I needed blood. It would clear my head and make my fears subside.

"Go have a drink. You'll feel better," Demetri suggested when he felt my thirst. "Three ripe ones are in the next room."

"I can't. I'll have too much, and my eyes will change. Bella can't handle that yet."

"She knows what you are. If you keep the details to yourself, she should be fine with it."

We both heard a cackling laugh. For a captive, Jessica was damn cocky. She thought we were going to keep her because we hadn't killed her yet. The truth was far different. I hadn't worked up enough desperation to bite her. The bitch was disgusting.

"Two. Can you believe it? The other one, Edward, he's even better looking than Jasper."

She gossiped worse now than before I snatched her out her car. She must have heard me going on about Bella. The other snacks were smart enough to keep their mouths shut.

"She's marrying Edward, but she's sleeping with the brother."

Demetri got pissed when I held my temper. "You can't let her talk about your mate. We don't allow it."

_Stay calm. She doesn't matter. No blood tonight. _"I don't care what she says."

"Well, I do."

He strolled casually into the other room. Death was nothing to him, or me for that matter. Screams followed. I stepped into the room just in time to see him rip one of Jessica's arms off.

The dinner bell rang. I went into a trance and fed. I looked up minutes later and saw two bodies and parts of another at our feet. It was a blood bath. I couldn't have stopped if I wanted.

* * *

**After Bella left for Florida.**

My eyes were red and my mind tainted. I lost my temper and pushed when I should have pulled. Bella saw me for what I was, and it sent her running two thousand miles away.

Her absence didn't cause me to lose my mind. I was pissed as all hell, but I didn't have a single doubt she would come back. If it took her a couple weeks to get around to it, I would gladly wait for her. Anyone expecting angst would be disappointed. I wasn't some teenage kid who lost his favorite toy. A century of waiting taught me the value of patience.

This didn't mean I wasn't suffering in my own quiet way. Charlie became my confidant. I never said the words, but my pained eyes told him the truth. His daughter possessed me. We talked about what I did wrong. He helped me see where I fucked up and why. The man was a saint. He knew I wanted to do dirty deeds with his daughter, but he never kicked me out.

All he told me was he loved his girl. If she wanted to be with me, it was her choice. He expected me to treat her well and respect her decisions. The minute I stopped doing that, he'd gut me. I could respect that.

We came to an easy understanding. If she came home and didn't want to see me, I would leave her alone. He had no way of knowing that my promise was empty. I couldn't leave her alone. She had to die no matter what, and if she didn't come with me, he would have to take her place.

With her gone, Demetri was on my ass constantly. It got worse when the date of Bella's death came and went with no change. She was still in Florida and not showing a single sign that she planned on coming home. Twice, he threatened to have Alice and Felix grab her. The first time, I looked over it.

The second didn't go as well. We fought. He lost a hand. I lost a finger. The whole thing wasn't that bad. It relieved some tension. He even offered me a night with Maria. I told him I'd sooner dip my dick in a blender.

We were almost good again until he reminded me time was running out. We had already put off moving the coven south. Recruits were left in a holding pattern while we waited on one human to get her butt back to Washington.

Another week went by and my patience left. It took everything in me not to fly to Florida and give her the spanking she deserved. If you loved someone, you didn't run out on them. You stayed and made it work. You tried. You didn't turn pussy and beat feet to the Sunshine State.

Where was the girl who argued with me? Was she a lie? The Bella I knew wasn't a coward. She didn't hide behind her mama's skirts and steal other people's dogs. Yes, I said it. My dog. Where was my Panama? How could she take him from me when she knew he was the only thing on this planet I loved?

To hell with her. Take my dog. Break my heart. Who did she think she was? Not My Bella, that was for damn sure. Mine would flip off the devil and bloody his lip. This impostor needed to get her butt back up here and convince me she was my mate. If not, I was finished with this. Demetri could deal with her.

I was bruised up, beaten, and broken because of her. All the strength I thought I showed in the last several weeks was a lie. I believed it for a time, but it was a lie. Without her here, I couldn't see light or smell rain. None of my senses worked, and it was her fault.

* * *

**The last day.**

The airport smelled like feet. Both sexes kept staring at me. Children chewed gum with their mouths open. I could hear everything. Smelly cattle kissing. Private conversations. Phone calls. Jet engines. Too much noise came at me from all directions.

When Bella appeared, my mood was already at a low point. Seeing her trip over her feet pissed me off even more. It brought back her days as Edward's fiancée. He secretly loved it when she fell. It was proof that she needed him to take care of her. As soon as I labeled her careless, she figured out how to make her feet work. If an angel didn't earn their wings over that miracle, it was a shame.

Bella wasn't pleased with my red eyes. She'd be less pleased if she knew I did it to practice for when I gnawed on her. I decided to bite her on the shoulder. It was less fragile than her neck. Sure, all my practice dummies died, but I was getting better. It helped when the last one braided her hair for me. It was a nice gesture.

We put the airport behind us. My penchant for grand theft auto led me to stealing the car Eddie bought Bella for a wedding present. Had he even met the girl? What about her screamed red Ferrari?

We arrived at the house right on time. Demetri and the others cleared out no less than twenty minutes before we walked through the front door. They were nice enough to give us some alone time. Arguments were uncomfortable, and I was predicting a big one.

The food talked. "Are you going to bite me tonight?"

That wouldn't happen until after I brought her to the new place. "I haven't decided."

She glanced around the room. "Where are you going to put me afterwards?"

In our bed. Where did she think I would put her?

_Be an ass. She deserves it. _"In the ground."

A flinch. "If I don't survive, you'll hate yourself for saying that."

Probably, but I already hated myself. How much worse could it get? "Only because I hate digging."

"Can we call a truce? I know you're mad, but I came back. It's what you wanted."

So my desires suddenly mattered to her now? What about before she disappeared on me? "I wanted you, and you left. When you did finally return, you didn't bring Panama. Don't expect me to welcome you back like everything is okay."

Nothing was okay. I didn't know if she would survive what I had to do to her. Not a soul would consider changing her for me. They knew killing her would mean a death sentence for them. Even if a volunteer had stepped forward, I wouldn't let them touch her. I didn't want to see anyone else's mark on her skin. The thought of it made me violent.

More arguing. I taunted her with my plans for the evening. Demetri picked a yummy target for me. Sarah Carson was strong and fit.

"She can run without falling and speak without stuttering. Some would say his standards are higher than mine. I'm beginning to agree."

If I was smart, I would forget the maddening creature in front of me and find a better one. Yeah, like that was possible. It didn't get better than Bella. Anyone else would shy away from my scars. She never did. Another girl would cower when I let my anger erupt out of me. This one shouted back at me and refused to give an inch.

If I didn't like her so much, I'd tear her head from her neck and use it as a vase.

Left me. Hurt me. Broke me.

* * *

Bella needled me until I finally talked to her. It was the Volvo comment that got me. Apparently I had one stuck up my butt, along with a stick and who knew what else.

She pulled a little information out of me. I told her I did something bad and couldn't fix it. Bella knew she was the mistake.

I needed solutions but none came to me. If I grabbed her and ran, Demetri would kill Charlie, which would destroy his daughter. If I killed Demetri and his coven, the Volturi would hunt me down. They would also go after the Cullens, which would lead them to Bella. I couldn't let her fall into Aro's hands. Jane and the others would experiment on her while testing the limits of her ability.

No way out. I ruined everything.

Bella steered our conversation in a strange direction. I wasn't even sure what we were talking about.

"How much happier would Edward be if instead of Carlisle expecting him to be good he asked his son to just be himself? How much better off would you be, Jasper, if instead of silently comparing yourself to others you actually followed the views you hold in such high regard?"

If I put my individual needs first, she would be packed in a crate and suffering through a long trip down south. When I handed her over to Demetri, he would hand me my papers, and I would walk out the door without so much as a glance back at the girl I betrayed.

No way in hell would I let any of that happen. We were in this together. Her change. The war. Everything. I would go from being Demetri's prisoner to hers.

Bella was waiting for me to speak. I fished for something. "Why are we talking about this? It has nothing to do with us."

"Because it's what we do. I thought we argued and fought, but we don't. We talk and debate. You tell me stories. I say goofy stuff to make you smile. This other crap is noise keeping us from hearing each other."

I hated when she was right. It would be nice to get the jump on her just once. "You're right.

Boy did she swell with pride. "Could you say that again? Louder this time, please."

"You're right, dammit."

I got a poke in the ribs. "Don't say it like you're sucking lemons. Shout it out to the world. You're Jasper Whitlock, and your woman is right for a change."

She was right all the time. Annoying. "And a gigantic pain in my butt."

"Blame the stick. I had nothing to do with it."

Because of her, we were good again. I couldn't take credit for any of the positive feelings between us. From the very beginning, it was always her.

And very soon, I would destroy her faith and wreck her body.

* * *

The end was nothing like it should have been. I was going to have people close at hand to keep me from going too far. Alice, Demetri, and Felix would have been just outside the door. Bella would have known what was coming and hopefully not fought back. Her trust in me would have carried us through the worst of it.

None of this happened.

She needed to tell me a secret. Someone did something bad. Before she could tell me what it was, calls came in one after another. First Alice. Then Demetri. Paranoia took hold in my head.

Why were they calling? Was there a part of the plan I didn't know about? Would they try to separate us? What had they done?

"Will you finally tell me who _he_ is?" Bella asked.

"Demetri."

"Who is he?"

My friend and my enemy. "Stop talking and let me think."

"If you ask me, it sounds like they don't want me telling you what happened."

"Exactly. I have to decide what's more important, listening to you or answering to them."

Of the two choices, I wanted to go with Bella. I could trust her. Everyone else was out for themselves.

Her next comment proved my point. "I don't think you should trust Alice. She's the person telling me to keep quiet."

When? Why? There had to be another plan. Something no one told me about. Something bad. "She told you on the phone or in person?"

Edward called. Was he a part of this? Were they going to give Bella to him? Was he joining the war? His ability was far more useful than mine. Demetri would know he couldn't have us both in his army, not with Bella there. The fight would tear us all apart.

If Alice called him, she might have also told him where we were. Would the family be with him? Was there more to his trip across the sea? Had Alice been lying from the beginning? What the fuck was going on?

The only person I trusted was no help at all. Bella knew less than me. Picking up the phone would provide answers, but the words would pass through lying lips.

"We're leaving."

An explanation came when we were in the car. It did nothing to diminish my paranoia. Felix tried to kidnap her. My first and only thought was to kill him. It wasn't so much a decision as a calling. Some people found God. I found death and delivered it to others.

Bella thought the Volturi were the problem. "Forget the Cullens. We need to be worried about the Volturi."

"A dying coven. They should fear us."

"That's what Felix said about you."

Of course, he did. I was a prisoner. Nothing. They could do what they wanted with me. "Did he? Well now, that's funny. He probably had you thinking he was the bad guy, didn't he?"

I was the one who brought her into this mess. The bad guy had been with her from the beginning. She managed to escape me for a time, but hope brought her back. And now, the people I thought were on my side wanted to take her from me.

I couldn't let it happen. I would turn her before they could get to her. My venom would flow through her veins and tie her to me forever. Mine. Ours. They couldn't have us.

My decision brought with it an eerie feeling of calm. I accepted her fate and recognized that it was handcuffed to my own. If she lived, I lived. If she died, I died.

I pulled the car over and carried her into the trees. She liked trees. They should surround her always and bring her the peace she deserved. When I found a good spot, I set her down and began my story. I kept it short. We had things to do.

Nothing went as it should.

"Come on, Jasper. Say something. Do you love me? Can you say it? Would you mean it if you did?"

No, goddammit. If I loved her, she would die. How could she not know that? How could I explain it in a way she would understand? I didn't have the time.

"Go find someone else to sacrifice their life. I'm not giving you mine."

She walked away, but I couldn't let her leave. If all this madness in my head was for nothing and Demetri was still on my side, a tragedy still had to occur. The coven needed a shield. Would Bella want her father to take her place? No. And if I let it happen, she would despise me more than she did right now.

The moment was at hand. It was time to be cruel. I needed fire and hate to fuel my thirst and demand her blood. If I didn't want this, I couldn't do it. I would stop at the last second and give her a reprieve worse than her death.

"If you don't go through with your promise, I'll kill your father. Can you let it happen, Bella? Or will you prove to me how good you really are?"

Her shoulders drooped with defeat. I killed her from the inside out. Her spirit was fading, and her love for me was shredding the rest of her. She knew it was over. It was about time she caught up to my nightmare. In a minute, we would be sharing one.

"Don't kill Charlie."

I let the vampire talk. He didn't care. She was prey to him. "Should I let you run? How about a five minute head start?"

_You have to do this. No choice. Blood bag. Cattle. Food. _

"You're evil."

Probably, but did it matter? She still loved me, and I still had to do this.

"I'm betting on you forgiving me when you know the rest of story. If you were thinking more clearly, you would see that your conclusions do not line up with my actions. None of it makes sense."

Bella was too far gone to care. "Just bite me and get it over with. I'm done listening to you."

She needed to know there was still hope. We would get through this. "A week from now, we'll be sharing a kill and racing through the trees. You'll love me more than ever."

"I may love you, but I'll never trust you."

_There's my girl. Defiant to the end. _

Like usual, Bella had the last word. "Here's a lesson for you. Regret is its own prison, and you'll have an eternity to enjoy it."

It was, and it would be. But first, I would enjoy her. She played it calm in the beginning. Her first steps showed no hesitation. She knew what was coming, and she refused to run.

_Do it. Now. _

The prey stumbled and cut its hand. Fresh blood did what my silent lies couldn't. The frenzy took over. I moved without thinking. She wasn't Bella. She was a thing for me to devour and claim as my own.

A body in my arms. I heard a gasp. Blood. Hot and sweet. She struggled against me. I tightened my hold and slapped a hand over her mouth. My teeth ground deeper into flesh. I needed more.

Footfalls in the distance warned me of incoming visitors. I stopped feeding when they came at us in a group. Hands reached for my kill. I pulled the body in closer, crushing it against my chest.

Edward. Stealing son of a bitch. He wanted what was mine and fought the others back.

Esme. Hair like an angel's and a face twice as lovely. She always mourned her kills. Tonight, her gentle eyes were pleading with me to listen to her.

One word made it through my madness. _Bella. _

Reality crashed in on me. I was killing Bella. I simultaneously stumbled backwards and pushed her away from me. She fell hard. No one caught her. I watched her hit the ground with a heavy thud.

A mournful wail tore its way out of my throat when I saw she wasn't moving or making any sound. I collapsed to my knees and crawled like an animal to her side. One touch and I would know. One touch. Just one.

Before I could reach her, a body collided with my own. Another came from my left. A larger one from my right. I didn't fight. I only cared about her.

Was she alive? She had to be alive. I tried shouting her name, but a hand covered my mouth. I couldn't speak. I could only see. Was she breathing? Was she gone?

Carlisle was with her. No chest compressions. He pressed a torn shirt against her back and picked her up in his arms. It wasn't until he carried her away that I began to struggle.

My resistance came too late. The family had me on the ground and in a dozen pieces before I could do any damage. Shrill singing pierced my flesh and burned hot like lightning. I didn't hear it so much as I felt it. I wanted to beg for fire, but no words came.

Darkness and cold dirt surrounded me. I was given a traitor's punishment and buried beneath the earth.

No one needed to tell me Bella's fate. I knew she wouldn't survive. How could she when I loved her?


	24. Chapter 24 Caged Mice

**Conversations with My Killer**  
Chapter 24 - Caged Mice

**Bella POV**

I was born into muted light. Information downloaded into my body at a rapid rate. It wasn't restricted to my brain. Every part of me absorbed the knowledge. The files lacked cohesiveness. I knew what a boat was, but I couldn't say how it felt to ride in one or if I ever had.

Sensations began to develop. I could hear but not smell. See but not taste. Mostly, I could feel. I hurt from the sounds surrounding me. Something abrasive dug at my skin. Scratching me. Irritating me.

A voice made from chimes. "Her heart stopped six hours ago. She's gone."

Another. Deeper tones. "I still can't hear your thoughts. It has to be her."

"Then she's sure taking her sweet time."

Time was a lie. My soul fell into this body. There was existence and nonexistence.

A flash of splintered light brought forth the strongest image yet.

Muddy eyes were shot through with frayed scarlet ribbons. A thin metal band pushed blond hair back from a face carved from stone. The overall look was of someone designed rather than born. Precision brush strokes created sharp angles without a hint of softness. High cheekbones. Finely arched eyebrows. A strong jawline.

He was a hunter without a name.

The image dissipated at the sound of another voice. "Is she still burning?"

Strange question. Had I been expelled from hell? Why would I burn?

"Try touching her."

A brush of fingertips over my skin scalded me. I flinched away. The simple move sent me flying into a wall. I dropped to the floor and forced myself to remain still.

I could hear a whooshing sound. What was it? A wind tunnel. A river. Something was moving beneath me.

More touching. Something rested on my shoulder. "Open your eyes."

It was automatic. He instructed. I listened. I was glad I did.

How pretty. A poet with hair made from rust. The oxidized strands of metal messily topped a face as exquisitely formed as the one from the image in my mind. His only flaw was his neck. It was as if his skin had cracked open and left a network of scars resembling lightning bolts. These tiny surface injuries did nothing to detract from his beauty.

"You look like an angel."

The voice was mine. I was a xylophone. Ding dong. The thought made me laugh.

The pretty man smiled. "Welcome back."

It was a strange thing to say. "Where did I go?"

"I'm not sure."

I sat up and looked around me. The shape of the room was familiar. "Are we in a plane?"

"Yes. We'll be landing soon."

I wanted to ask where, but a rapidly developing pain made it difficult. Breathing forced razors down my throat. "Water please."

My cherry colored medicine came in a bag. I sucked it down greedily and asked for more. My sickness made it taste bitter, but the liquid soothed the burn.

When I asked for another bag, the man shook his head. "Pace yourself."

A shriek exploded out of me. "More."

"Not yet."

I curled my hands into claws and scratched at his face. A large man from behind him whipped around and caged me with a bear hug. I kicked my legs back and knocked my head against his jaw. A female took hold of my feet. The pretty man grasped onto my arms. As they pinned me to the floor, I screamed at them and demanded they let me go. I would kill them. Shred them. Drink them.

It wasn't until I calmed myself that I was given more liquids. Lesson one: Be good. Be fed.

* * *

**Two days later**

I was a feral heat-seeking missile. Locked on, unrelenting, and crazed. My prey was at a standstill one hundred yards away. His heartbeat said he was at rest. My inner guidance system said he was mine. All I had to do was outrun my pursuers.

Closer. Closer. My throat tightened. The razors cut deeper. Venom dripped from my mouth and slid down my chin. Emmett was right. I was a drooling mess of a newborn.

I saw grayish brown and then nothing. I twisted the body around in one smooth motion and attached my mouth to the nearest sign of easy flesh. It was a head twisting bone crunching meal to start my afternoon.

Something hit me from behind trying to dislodge me from the food. I clung tighter to the body. It was a frenzied fight just to keep a hold of my kill. Instinct told me to pull the man over the top of me and use him as a shield. I wrapped my legs around his torso and locked my ankles together. If they wanted to get to me, they had to rip him apart.

I fed like a savage. When the blood stopped flowing, I pushed the meat off me and let out a satisfied sigh. Fuck those prepackaged dinners. Killing made my metaphorical dick hard.

My nose sniffed out a pool of liquid gold. I rolled into it and let it mix with the dirt. The good stuff should coat my body from within and without. I wanted to smell like filthy, sun scorched death.

My first words were the impassioned cries of the newly converted. "Goddamn, I need to do that again."

I beat my fists against the ground and howled. Nothing would ever be better than this.

Edward stood over me, blocking the sun. "Happy with yourself?"

My sticky lips smiled. "Very."

The good doctor appeared. "A misstep by a vampire is normal. I'm more concerned by your attempt to escape from us. Why did you run?"

Because the invisible chains they wrapped around my neck were choking me. "Why do you get to ask me that?"

Joining the passive parade was Rosalie. "Being a newborn doesn't excuse your actions. We don't wallow like pigs."

"Take off the sash and tiara and join me. You might like it."

"Is this a rebellious teen thing?" she asked. "Because we can't afford that. Killing humans increases our odds of being discovered."

Blah blah. "If that were true, others like us would be just like all of you. From what you've said, the family is an anomaly."

"We are," Edward confirmed.

Underachievers were so disappointing. "Maybe all you need is a little practice. You're a smart lad. I'm sure you can figure out how to get away with killing people."

Emmett choked back a laugh.

The bronze buck shot him a glare. "This isn't funny. That man had a family. People loved him. He's gone now because of a poor choice Bella made."

"Are you even a vampire?" I asked him. "It's not a choice. It's a reflex. Sort of like blinking when light hits your eyes. Bright lights, we blink. Sweet blood, we drink."

"Do you feel anything for the person you killed?"

"I wish he'd brought his family. I'm still not full."

"Perfect. He created a sociopath," Rosalie complained.

Ahh. He. The mystery man. My killer. "If he isn't a one-armed man with D.B. Cooper appeal, I'll be seriously put out with him."

"Not funny," Edward groused.

"Come on now. He's my Jack the Ripper. I'm his Black Dahlia."

"Try Bonnie and Clyde."

Even better. First billing tickled my toes and tingled my tonsils.

Or was that the fresh food I smelled coming from the west?

* * *

**Two weeks later **

The Cullens said I wasn't a typical newborn. My thirst was normal, but my speed wasn't. I moved fast, but the rest of me was on a delay. I was out of step, and ten hours behind the rest of the family. It was the constant searching. During my change, I misplaced something valuable to me. I didn't know what it was or where I might have put it. I only knew it was gone. The search for it consumed my days.

Making matters worse, the few images that carried over from my human life came with singed edges. No names or stories were attached to anything or anyone. Carlisle said it was because of the trauma I experienced when I was attacked. He knew of one vampire whose memory never returned. Apparently, venom would only do so much. It repaired the parts of us it found useful and ignored the parts that meant nothing to it.

Because of this, I was completely dependent on the Cullens for answers. Fortunately, they were more than willing to help me. Edward patiently sat down with me every afternoon and together we went through every photo and video he had on file for me. The information was always the same.

A man named Charlie Swan was my father. He was the Chief of Police in Forks. He enjoyed fishing and teasing smiles out of his daughter. As a welcome to Washington gift, he gave me a red truck.

There was a dog named Panama. My mind was a field his picture played in with gusto. The cute boy was hit by a car a month before my human death. Edward and I buried him near a tree next to my old house.

I was engaged to Edward. Of everything he told me, this felt the most wrong. There was no connection between us. I also couldn't wrap my Swiss cheese mind around the idea of being a vampire and participating in a human tradition.

I knew there was a different way, but I wasn't sure what it was. Like everything else, the answer was always on the tip of my tongue, but my brain had plumbing problems. A thought would run through my skull and get caught somewhere along the way. It couldn't work its way through the blockage in my mind.

Memories. Memories. Emmett and Rosalie were together in an image. Her scowl was a favorite piece of tarnished jewelry she refused to take off. In contrast, his lips were a permanent crescent moon.

Other images floated in and around my head. My name spelled out in mud. The feel of a long fall and the rush of plunging into cool water. A ring on a man's hand. I saw trees and sunflowers. Marks carved into walls. A dead body on a table.

I felt an intense need to guard these tidbits like they were secrets. They were too personal to share.

"Are you sure there isn't someone else I should know about?" I asked when Edward ran out of photos to show me.

"No one I know of. We all have a few unimportant people in our lives. Classmates you were never close with. There was the bag boy at the grocery story. He liked to flirt with you."

"What did he look like?"

"Red hair. Short. A little on the pudgy side. Why?"

I had yet to hear one mention of the man in my head. The one image I had of him was crystal clear to me. Like those other pieces I didn't share, I refused to tell the others of his existence. He was mine to keep. I wouldn't share him.

I moved to an unrelated topic. "What about my killer? How come no one will say what happened to me?"

The other conversations in the room came to an abrupt halt. What was the big damn deal? They knew their own stories. Why shouldn't I know mine?

Carlisle took the lead. "We've told you what we know, Bella. You should move on."

They told me a male vampire attacked me. That was it. No why or where. "What's his name? Why me and not someone else? Is he still out there? Did you kill him?"

The four other vampires looked to Edward like it was his decision if I should know my past.

He made up his mind. "Give us a few minutes."

Rosalie objected. "We can't do that. You know we have to stay close."

We were a sardine can of a family. One on top of the other. No one was allowed outside of the small bubble created by my mind and not a soul would tell me why.

"If you don't give me answers, I'll run again. You only caught me last time because I found a human."

Carlisle knew when to let me have my way. "Everyone gather your belongings. We'll be parked on the north road. Twenty minutes, Edward. No more."

There wasn't much to grab. Esme and Carlisle were the first ones out the door. Emmett third.

Rosalie held back for a second to pass on a warning to me. "We don't have to keep you in one piece. You're far more valuable split apart than you'll ever be kept together. Remember that the next time you threaten us."

A growl from my right told me just how fond Edward was of that idea. Blondie would have to go through him if she ever wanted a chance at me. And where did she even come up with such an idea?

While Edward waited for the family to get out of earshot, he roamed the room muttering to himself. I think he was practicing what he wanted to say. It was sort of nice to see that he wasn't as confident under the surface as what he wanted people to believe. I could relate to this part of him. I sure didn't feel confident in myself.

After a minute, he stopped and looked at me with pained eyes. "I haven't wanted to tell you the truth because it's not easy thinking about the man you cheated on me with."

I suddenly felt two inches tall. "I cheated? Why?"

Nervous fingers pulled at his hair. I wanted the calm guy back. This one worried me.

"I was always trying to protect you. Maybe too much. You pulled away from me, and he took advantage."

"Who? Was he a friend of the family or something?"

Edward pointed at his scarred neck. "Would a friend do this to me? He's a liar and a cheat, and he turned you into one, too."

This was getting worse by the second. "I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say."

"You could tell me you love me, but you don't remember if you did."

From two inches to one. Truth made me shrink.

He tried to hide his pain behind a smile. "It doesn't matter. You're here now, and you're safe. That means more to me than you can possibly know."

_Yeah, let's avoid your overabundance of feelings and my complete lack of them. _"So what happened with him?"

"I left town to try something I thought might help the family. While I was gone, he stepped in and wooed you away from me. I thought what we had was strong enough to hold us together. I was wrong."

Had I loved this other man? Was he the missing piece of me?

Edward didn't need his ability to read my mind. He knew where my thoughts were going. "It wasn't a love story, Bella. You resisted him, and he attacked you. If his partner hadn't warned us that something was wrong, you wouldn't have survived."

And now there was a partner. How complicated was this story? "Who is the partner?"

"She doesn't matter. He matters. What he did to you matters. We heard you scream from miles away. You ran from him, and he grabbed you from behind. Your nose was broken when he hit you in the face. Some of your ribs were cracked and others broken from how tight he held you. Are you hearing what I'm saying?"

I heard him loud and clear. Even if Edward was silent, his scorn would have been a shout echoing through the room. He hated the man.

"When he saw what he did, he slammed you into the ground instead of setting you down gently. You were trash he tossed away. Nothing to him."

It didn't make sense. "Why would he do that? If he wanted me dead, he could have broken my neck or crushed my skull."

Edward threw up his hands. "Are you dense? What is hard to understand about this?"

"He bit me on the shoulder. Why not my neck?"

"Are you defending him?"

No. I was trying to put rational thought behind the information. Edward wasn't exactly a reliable witness. His view was tainted by his animosity for his enemy.

I had another question. "Why would he lure me away from you and then try to kill me? He either wanted me for something or he disliked you enough to want to break us up. It doesn't make sense that he would attack me out of nowhere."

"Does that constant shield in your mind ring any bells? He wanted you to join his coven. When you turned him down, he lashed out."

That was more than possible, but it was still only Edward's interpretation of events he didn't witness. Plus, there was no real benefit to my shield. The radius was small, and I couldn't even turn the damn thing off.

"What happened to him?"

"He ran from us. We were more concerned with saving you, and he managed to escape."

Edward looked at his watch. It was an unnecessary action. He knew well enough how much time had passed. "We need to get going."

There was more to this. "What are you not telling me?"

"His coven is hunting us. Your ability is the only protection we have against their tracker, who can locate us from the other side of the world. When the family moved out of your range, it told them where we are, and now they're coming for us."

* * *

**February two and a half years later**

I was painting the toenails on my right foot. While I worked, I tapped my left foot against the kitchen countertop where I was sitting. The beat in my head was whimsical and happy. I nodded my head and whistled along with my private song. The tempo didn't match the mood of the words, but I didn't care.

For two and a half years, our family lived on top of each other. As time went by, my shield grew in size, which provided some wiggle room, but we were still mice in a cage. Tempers flared every few days, usually between Rosalie and me. She never missed an opportunity to let me know the family shouldn't have saved me. They would be free to do as they wanted instead of constantly being on the run.

They certainly wouldn't be in the dining room plotting our next move. I wished we could stay. The lake behind the house was picturesque and convenient for bathing. My only experiences in a real bathroom were limited to seeing my reflection and trying to fight it.

The family blamed first month jitters. I blamed the unfamiliar wraith looking back at me. They said she was me, but I didn't like her. Punching her in the face ruined several mirrors and ultimately earned me a bathroom ban. Like that was a big deal. Showers were for spoiled chicklets like Rosalie. I wished her miserable ass would fall in a volcano.

Losing her might even inspire me to put some clothes on like Edward always harped on me to do. Pants were overrated and completely unnecessary. I wore a long enough shirt. If I wasn't around humans, what the hell did I need bottoms for? We compromised on underwear. A few too many stolen looks from Emmett made me as jumpy as a kitten in a hot skillet. It didn't make his beauty queen too happy either.

_Grrr. Rosalie. _ I wanted to lead her into a sunny field and glitter punch that bitch in the mouth. I couldn't figure out how she fit with the others.

Esme was the antithesis of a vampire. She was an altruistic soul. Her family always came first. Every evening, she would hum a song while we all sat together watching the sunset. I knew she was remembering her old life, but unlike her adopted daughter, she never complained.

Carlisle took a different approach from his wife. I wouldn't call him unapproachable, but he was not as welcoming as Esme. He was the strong father figure who listened more than he talked. When a decision needed to be made, we turned to him.

Emmett was my playmate. Whether it was mental Monopoly or chess, he always found a way of keeping my youthful mind active. He was especially helpful when a human crossed my path. He would make a move in one of our ongoing games and challenge me to match him turn for turn. The diversion saved several human lives.

From the other room, I heard Carlisle's voice signal that a new destination had been selected. "Three at forty-four."

It was the code assigned to Massachusetts. Locations didn't have names, and we never spoke of cities or specific landmarks.

I asked the same question I asked every time we moved. "Why don't we fight them and get it over with?"

I wasn't particularly skilled yet, but the others could take down an army. Even Esme kicked some serious butt.

Edward dragged himself over to me. His frown told me he didn't approve of my question or my mismatched toes. Lime green for one foot. Tangerine for the other. I made them wave at him. He was less than impressed.

"Don't worry yourself with the details. Paint your toes, rebraid your hair, and leave the rest to us."

I slapped on an insincere smile. "Can I do anything else to make me even more useless? Please and thank you."

_Tighten that jaw. Laser beam those eyes. _

I didn't dislike Edward. We just didn't see eye to eye on what our relationship should be. He wanted a wife. I couldn't say the words. We even had a wedding of sorts. I left him at the altar, which meant I ran to the other side of the room and went mute. I warned him I wasn't ready, but he kept pushing until I agreed to try.

The failure sent him into a rage. He accused me of still wanting the man who killed me. It was the first and only time that particular individual was mentioned since my first month as a vampire. The man was a ghost following us from one location to the next. Every time Edward and I grew closer, the ghost would roar in my ears and send me running.

I always wondered if maybe he did care for me. It felt foolish to romanticize a situation that almost spelled my end, but a part of me yearned for a better ending than what we had.

It was foolish. The man didn't have newborn impulses to blame for his attack. If the Cullens could stop themselves from hurting humans, why couldn't he?

* * *

**May**

This was my favorite place to be. The trees were different, and the birds sang new songs. But my place was the same. Nothing was better than lying on the ground and looking up through the branches above me. Leaves would wave to me while I silently shared my secrets with the limbs above me. They were as tangled as the thoughts in my head.

Pines or oaks. Few or many. It could be raining or snowing. None of it mattered. I only needed the trees. Birds were a bonus. Today they chattered about the joys of earthworms. A couple to the left was arguing over which saw a bug first. The female won, as well she should.

I wasn't alone. Edward, Emmett, and Rosalie were hugging the edges of the bubble my shield created. They were my babysitters while we were at the park neighboring our house, which was where Esme and Carlisle were. They needed alone time. It was a shame they had to have it within hearing distance. Nothing was private in this family.

I rolled over onto my stomach and folded my arms under my head. The ground was cool from the rain the night before. I never missed an opportunity to play in the dirt. It was a child's activity, but something about it brought me peace.

I idly spelled my name out. It matched the carving on my tree. I always left my name as a sort of wink and a nod to the people searching for us. I didn't know if they ever found my one word messages, but I liked to think they did. For some strange reason, I wanted them to have confirmation that they missed me again. I also liked that it pissed Edward off.

He would be even less happy about my new way of passing the time. I closed my eyes and let the world around me slip into nothing. I then imagined a small candle filling a large room with its tiny light. The more I concentrated the more the flame danced. No breeze threatened to extinguish it. I was the threat as I focused harder on killing the light.

The flame winked at me twice right before the sound of footsteps took me out of my game. I opened my eyes and saw a pair of blue sneakers in front of me. They were small and came attached to a short human.

It spoke to me. "I sit in corners when I get dirty."

Edward wished he could put me in a corner. I dared him to try it just once. We were due for another fight.

I sat up and admired the piece of meat in front of me. I hadn't killed a human in ten weeks. This one would do nicely.

It talked again. "My name is Henry. What's yours?"

For some reason, his name triggered a soft spot in me. "That's a good name. Strong. Do you like it?"

His light brown curls bounced when he nodded his head. The food was turning into a person. Any second now, I would tell him my name and ask if he wanted to play with me.

_You're a vampire, not a nanny. Bite him._

Rosalie, the champion of misfit children, had to make her presence known. "Your mother is calling you. Run along."

He scampered away. Such a good child. I watched him until he disappeared over the hill. Were it not for that distraction, I would have seen Rosalie's foot before it kicked me in the face.

The blow sent me flying onto my back. I recovered quickly and launched myself at her. I had her on the ground and managed to punch her twice before Emmett grabbed me from behind.

"We're in public," he admonished with a growl.

"She started it. Remind _her _where we are."

We all knew she wanted me to hit her. It was why she didn't fight back. I was always the bad one. Bella ate children. Ohhh. Never mind that I had yet to actually hurt one. I might, and that was enough for her.

"Did anyone see us?" she asked Edward.

He scanned the area. "Not that I can tell."

Were it not for me, he would already know. I weakened the family and strengthened us at the same time.

He took me by the arm. "Let's get out here before you get us in trouble."

Me? Of course. Why not? It was always my fault.

Not for the first time, I was tempted to take off on them. These people saved me, but I was less grateful by the day. I didn't feel even a twinge of guilt over it. This wasn't a huge surprise. According to Carlisle, emotional ties were tenuous with younger vampires. It was part of why they watched me so carefully. They knew I could stay or leave with little regret.

Without their decades of civilized living to tame my instincts, I only wanted to fight, run, and feed. A mountain was a challenge. How fast could I climb it? Oceans invited me to dive in deep and swim for miles. I couldn't settle into their life when my thirsty heart was pleading with me to find something else.

* * *

**Four days later**

Today was a good day. We were supposed to be hunting, but Emmett and I were too busy having a whistling war. My tongue was not as adept as his. He could run through notes so fast it made my ears want to cry.

He laughed at my most recent attempt to beat him. "That was terrible."

"Be nice. I'm trying."

A beefy hand reached for my chin. "Show me your tongue."

I stuck it out wondering if this was a mistake that would turn around and bite me in the end.

He stuck his own out and tried talking. "Oothay. Thhapee tha thung lih thitsh."

I was giggling too hard to do it. "You are not normal."

He pulled my head forward and licked my forehead before running off. "Gotcha."

I wiped his nastiness off my face and went chasing after him. Fat lot of good that would do me. I was the second slowest in the family. Esme was the only one I could beat in a foot race, but I still gave it my best effort. Emmett's laughter provided an easy trail.

He ended up doubling back on me and caught me when I came around a line of trees. He lifted me up like a prize and carried me over to the others. "Swans run wild in these woods," he crowed loudly.

"You are such a dork. Put me down."

Emmett lowered me to where he was cradling me in his arms. "When you were human, I would toss you in the air and catch you. It drove Edward crazy."

"Really? How did you keep from breaking me?"

"You're a tough little thing. Always were." He set me back on my feet and draped an arm over my shoulders while we walked together. "Thirsty? I smell deer coming in from the south."

"Race you," I challenged.

"I'll spot you three seconds. Go."

I charged full speed ahead. From my left, I could hear Edward running along with me. He allowed some distance between us, but it was still proof I wasn't allowed to run free.

I went no further than a mile when something in the air had me skidding to a stop. Edward rushed over to me. "What is it?"

I was slower than him, but my nose was better. "Vampires."

This was the first time we had run across our own kind. They were close enough that a small shift in the wind might alert them to us. I didn't know what to do. "Why didn't you hear their thoughts? They're out of my range."

"I don't know."

"Should we run? What if they follow?"

The rest of the family caught up to us.

Carlisle took charge. "Esme. Rosalie. Take Bella back to the car, and use the most direct route to the ocean. The three of us will stay. I want to know who they are and why they're here. If you don't hear from us in two hours, you know what to do."

His wife hesitated. "What if it's him?"

"If you don't hear from us, it is. Run fast, hide well, and don't look back."

Emmett sniffed the air. He pushed Rosalie away from him. "Go. Now."

No one took the time to say farewell.

* * *

Because of the family's cautious nature, most of what mattered to us was always kept close. In the trunk of the car was everything we needed to begin anew. It was looking more and more like we would be doing this.

Carlisle said two hours. We waited four. No one called.

For the last hour, we had been standing on a dock. We knew we needed to hit the water soon and start what promised to be a long swim. We had no destination in mind. We would swim east for two hours and then turn south. Not a one of us was ready to make that plunge yet.

Rosalie was not handling this well for obvious reasons. "We have to go back."

"Definitely." But not really. Did we have to?

Esme wasn't having it. "Would you want Emmett going back for you?"

The answer was easy. Rosalie would want him to stay away.

"Why don't we call them?" I suggested. "It's stupid not to."

My loving sister didn't like my idea. "And do what? Do you think they forgot our number? It's obvious what happened to them."

"No, it isn't."

She lashed out at her favorite target. Me. "This is your fault. We should have let you die."

_Be nice. Her husband is missing. _"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. You know that."

She turned to Esme. "She's the one he wants. We should have handed her over years ago. All we've done is piss him off."

"Gee, Rose. Way to show me the love."

She went for my throat. Her temper tantrum made her an easy opponent. I ducked under her outstretched arms and kicked her into the water. It was the absolute best way of making this worse. She flew up onto the dock in a rage.

Esme got between us. "Girls, this isn't helping. Fight later."

I made a taunting head nod in Rosalie's direction. "Screw that. Let's fight now. If she wins, I'll give myself to the Boogie Man."

Blondie was all for it. "Fine by me."

"Girls."

"What?" Rosalie yelled. "How many pieces do you think our men are in? Has he burned them or hid them all over the state?"

Was she insane? "Do you respect this man as an adversary or not?"

"What kind of stupid question is that? Of course, we respect him."

"Then if he's earned that much, you should give him a little credit. You can judge a man by his enemies. I choose to believe a truly worthy adversary would show us the same care we would show him."

Rosalie let out a frightening cackle of a laugh before falling to the floor of the dock and sobbing, "What have we done?"

She repeated the question over and over as she rocked back and forth. I didn't know if I should offer comfort or back away slowly. She had completely lost it.

Esme didn't appear to be doing any better. She let out a wail but cut it off quickly with a shaking hand over her mouth.

Their feud with this man went far beyond me. "What did you do to him?"

Her eyes found something very interesting over my shoulder. "You have to understand the situation we were in that night. He would have killed us if we didn't take him apart."

"Which night? And who specifically are you talking about? The hunter or the tracker?"

"The night you were attacked. Edward lied when he said the man escaped."

I was having a difficult time following this. "You took him apart, but he's still alive. Why not burn him?"

"Because we're a family. He's our son the same as you're our daughter."

Her confession rocked me. No one mentioned a third son. Suspicion had me backing away. I could feel the bonds between us weakening with every word. Did I even know these people?

Esme saw my retreat and tried explaining. "After what he did to you, we didn't dare let him come with us, but we couldn't kill him either."

I didn't want to hear the rest, but she kept going. "We each took different pieces. We buried them, hid them under trees, and threw them in rivers and lakes. We had to buy some time for you. We couldn't let him take you."

It would have been kinder to kill him. They knew how painful it was to receive even a single bite. What they did went far beyond that. And it was to someone they called family, a son no one bothered to mention.

She tried making it better. "When we knew we were safe, we made sure they knew where he was. It couldn't have taken more than a couple days to find all of him."

My venom began to throb in my veins. It was the same feeling I had just before making a kill. I wanted to split the two women apart and leave them on the dock for him to find. He could do what he wanted with them.

_Calm yourself. This is your chance. Leave them to their fate._

I closed my eyes and listened to the wind. I would be alone for the first time ever. Anticipation swelled through my body. It burned alongside my venom. Both demanded I make a move. I wanted this. I needed it. The water called to me. Denying its pull took willpower a young vampire did not possess.

My right foot tapped restlessly against the wooden planks. I could do this. It would be easy. The east held freedom. The west offered death at worst and a new cage at best. My own survival came first.

Someone's timing was perfect because the phone rang just as I took my first step toward the water.

Esme answered. "Carlisle?"

An unfamiliar voice on the other end asked to speak with me. Esme handed the small device over to me. "Get him to see reason, Bella. Please."

These people were on their own. They deserved everything he planned on doing to them. This didn't mean I couldn't talk for a minute and feel his personality out.

"Is this the bad man?" I asked.

"Maybe. Is this my quarry?"

"I haven't decided."

I could hear a smile in his voice. "I don't think it's up to you."

"You're wrong, but let's not debate that tonight. What have you done with our men?"

He paused for a second before answering. "They're playing cards with Alice. Edward still cheats."

He mentioned Alice like she was supposed to mean something to me. She didn't. "Are you going to kill them?"

"It's not my first plan. I'd like to trade them for something better if I can."

I looked down at Rosalie who was still rocking back and forth. "I've got a blonde and a sack of rocks."

"I'd rather have my favorite smart ass and the directions to her current location."

"Personally, I'd have gone with the rocks, but sure, I'll give you Rosalie. Why not?"

The bad man laughed. "You always were a pill."

"Aspirin for headaches or Tylenol for fever?"

"Both. But enough with the teasing. If you come to me, I'll let the men go free. The Bella I knew would take that deal in a heartbeat."

"Well, it's too damn bad you killed her. Because this Bella is a foot from the ocean and dying for a swim."

"What can I say to change your mind?" There was no masking the urgency in his tone. "Anything, Bella. Anything."

He was a stranger to me. Nothing would change my mind. Though I did have one more question. "What's your name?"

His voice cracked with emotion. "Jasper Whitlock. You know me. We signed our names in dirt and talked about death. I dropped you off a roof and pushed you off a cliff. You called me a jackass. I called you disappointing. We were good like that."

None of it meant anything to me. "Is that supposed to make me want to see you? Because it doesn't."

"Just listen to me. You were right about everything. All the time. It drove me crazy. What else? I bought you sunflowers. I catch birds. You eat bagels for breakfast every morning. Armaditto. We laughed, remember?"

Was he making this shit up as he went along? It was the most disjointed bunch of nonsense I'd ever heard. He had to be using my ignorance of the past to spin tales. The Cullens did it for three years, and I wasn't about to let that happen again.

I ended the call and tossed the phone to Esme. "I'm sorry, but I have to go."

Rosalie jumped to her feet. "I knew you were just like him. You're turning your back on us after everything we've done for you."

I didn't know what they did for me. I only knew what they told me, and after what I learned tonight, I couldn't put any faith in it.

"At least I left you in one piece, Rose. It's better than what you did to him."

I dove into the ocean and didn't look back. It was time for me to discover my own truths, and I couldn't do it in a family of liars.

* * *

**Author's Note: Hopefully no one bashes me too hard about the memory thing. I've been laying the groundwork for it for a while now. Starting - I think - in Chapter 15.  
**

**I like that it gives Bella a clean slate of sorts. So much of her identity is wrapped up in the men in her life. I wanted something to break her out of that.  
**

**Like always, thanks for reading, and thanks to everyone that reviewed the last chapter. The response was really great. I love the differing views people have on the characters.  
**

**I should hopefully have another chapter up next Thursday.**

******- Cris**  



	25. Chapter 25 Hide and Seek

**Conversations with My Killer**  
Chapter 25 - Hide and Seek

**Day thirty-two**

_Bella_

I spelled my name in dirt and considered it from every angle. It looked perfectly fine on its own. Jasper said this was something we did together, but it didn't mean anything to me then or now. The fact that I liked to write my name in dirt wasn't exactly super secret spy shit. He could have seen me do it a thousand times.

_Jasper_

I scribbled his name next to mine. Nothing. I erased it with a sweep of my fingers and moved it to the top. Still nothing. I tried it beneath my name. There was no connection.

Thinking about the other things he mentioned didn't jog my memory either. He said he bought me sunflowers, but my image only showed a single flower. It wasn't in a bundle or resting in a vase. For all I knew, they were my favorite flower.

He said he pushed me off cliffs and dropped me off a roof. I was a disappointment. If that was the relationship we had, it was better for me that I didn't remember him. The only small connection I did make was that he had to be the blond man with the headband. It was the only thing that made sense.

Like the Cullens, this Jasper guy could twist information into any form he wanted. Just because someone knew something about me didn't mean I could trust them.

I shook my head and tried to erase him from my thoughts. I was far more interested in gathering facts. This was what brought me to one of the many towns where the Cullens had lived. The library was my one and only stop.

I dusted off my clothes and made my way into the building. There was a flurry of activity going on as they prepared for a book festival. They barely noticed me when I asked if they had any school yearbooks. The woman pointed out where I needed to go without even bothering to look up at me. Distracted humans were the best kind.

A couple minutes later, I was flipping through an old yearbook and hoping I would spot a picture or two of the Cullens. I found where they should have been in the class photos, but they were missing. Rosalie Hale and Emmett Masen were both listed as being not pictured. A couple page flips took me to Edward's class. Like his siblings, he was absent on picture day.

This was when something caught my eye. An Alice Brandon was listed with Edward. I closed the book and let the name run through my head. It didn't ring a single bell other than Jasper having mentioned an Alice when I talked to him on the phone.

I cracked open the next book and saw the same name listed alongside Edward's. Like the previous year, they were not pictured.

Someone tapped me on the shoulder. "I'm sorry, but I have to insist you put your shoes back on."

_Come on, lady. I'm finally getting somewhere. _ "It's not like I'm turning pages with my toes."

"Shoes on, or you're out."

Was this a human thing? Why were covered feet so important? "I don't have shoes. You're lucky I'm wearing pants."

My honesty did not go over well. The librarian kicked me out and informed me that neither my smart mouth nor my bare feet were welcome.

To ease my hurt feelings, I followed her home. While she slept that night, I stole every pair of shoes I could find. Gluing them to the sidewalk leading to the library gave me an immense amount of satisfaction. I could have killed her, but this seemed way more fun.

* * *

**Day forty-five**

I was in another library looking through another batch of yearbooks. This time there could be no coincidence. An Alice Cullen was mentioned alongside Edward. Like before, there were no pictures of them or Rosalie and Emmett. More curious than that, I had yet to see a mention of Jasper.

The Cullens had a mystery daughter who attended school with the others, but why wasn't their third son also in school? Was he older than the others? Did he hate school? Why was he different?

Since I wasn't kicked out for a dress code violation, I was able to hang around a little longer. The investigator in me wanted more information. For the first time ever, I sought out a human for something other than blood. The one at the front desk seemed like the best bet.

I couldn't help but feel anxious about talking to her. I was a shark out of water in the human world. They were food I couldn't have, and I was the predator flopping around until I landed back in the environment where I belonged.

Nerves made my voice softer than usual. "Excuse me, ma'am. I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions."

The woman turned to me with a smile. "Sure can."

"Have you ever heard of a Dr. Cullen?"

The smile quickly left and then reappeared. She reached for the phone and dialed a number. "You reminded me I need to make an appointment."

I didn't see how but whatever. "Glad I could help."

Her doctor's office needed to work on their people skills. "What?"

"This is Tammy Odom. I – uh - need to set up an appointment for tomorrow."

There was a long pause before the voice returned. "Four o'clock."

She glanced at her watch. "You can't get me in sooner."

"No."

She hung up the phone and gave me her full attention. Her teeth sparkled behind a forced grin. "I hate doctors."

We all hated something. "I don't like the smell of dead birds."

Her eyes took in every part of me in a very thorough inspection. It made me wonder if I forgot my pants again. I looked down. Nope. They were there. My other clothes were in place as well. I even had shoes on this time.

I tried again. "Dr. Cullen. He lived here about fifteen years ago. Four teenagers. A very pretty wife. Does any of that sound familiar?"

She shook her head and then nodded. "Five teenagers."

The information came to her quicker than I anticipated. "Five you say?"

"Emmett, Edward, and Alice Cullen. Rosalie and Jasper Hale."

Again, it was too fast and too easy. "Did you know them by chance?"

"I went to school with them."

Unless she graduated ten years late, there was no way. Warning alarms rang in my head. I needed to make a quick exit. "I've gotta go. Thanks for your help."

"No stay. I can tell you stories."

I kept a human pace while I walked toward the front door. "Another time."

The sound of clicking heels told me the woman was coming after me. "Edward was a track star. Alice was valedictorian."

Not possible. I knew from stories they told me that the family made a point of keeping a low profile. No one competed in athletic or academic competitions, and they always made sure to stay close to the top of the class but never number one.

She was a liar, and coming here was a mistake. If her phone call meant what I thought it did, I had thirty minutes to disappear.

* * *

Trees were my punching bag. I toppled a few of them, climbed others, and ran a few hundred miles. Nothing challenged me enough. I ended up jumping in a lake and let water slow me down. It took far more effort to swim than run. A few laps around a large body of water were just what the doctor ordered. I had to exhaust the negative energy coursing through me.

When my temper mellowed slightly, I threw myself onto the shore and glared at the tiny lights above me. Stupid stars. Hateful bitch of a moon. It was winking at me. I bet Jasper worshiped it. A dark cloud like him always preferred the night.

Not me. I wanted the midday sun. Its unforgiving presence killed shadows and frightened away the stars. Like everything else, he stole it from me.

How long before he found me again and tried to take what little I had left? How many of my plans would he anticipate in advance?

That sneaky bastard knew I would backtrack through the family's history. He knew I would end up in that town and probably that library. I was filled with an immeasurable amount of rage over his invasion of my life.

I had been considering trips to Washington and Florida to spy on my parents. He ruined that. Both Jacksonville and Forks were probably being watched.

I had avoided looking for information on Renee or Charlie for fear of what I might find. I knew there had to be articles about my disappearance and its effect on my parents. I didn't remember these people, but this didn't make me immune to the pain they felt at losing me. An article would create a connection I couldn't risk, especially now.

Today proved that Jasper knew me too well. My past. Our history. Everything. I had nothing, and he had everything. It wasn't enough that he killed me. He had to hunt me like an animal.

What gave him the right to steal my life? Surviving his attack shouldn't make me a target. If he did his job right the first time, he would have killed me when he had the chance. It was his fault he failed. He should hunt himself. Stupid jackass.

He almost caught me today. Did that make me disappointing again? I'd show him disappointment. It would come with lighter fluid and a flare gun.

_Burn him. Kill him. Forget him. _

* * *

**Day eighty**

Paradise was dry earth, an empty field, and the blazing sun. The only feeling better than a fresh kill was nature's heat.

My temporary hideaway was smack-dab in the middle of a large ranch. Cows outnumbered people, and the nearest road was caliche instead of pavement. It was a ten minute run from a small town that was little more than a bathroom break for the few travelers passing through the area. I was careful to keep the name out of my head. It was far better to be safe than sorry, especially now that I was playing my candle game again.

I had a theory about how the tracker located the family. My shield flickered with the candle. It was probably just enough time for our location to be revealed. Unfortunately for him, I knew how his ability worked. He had to have a read on someone before he could track them. Since there were no Cullens around to reveal my location, I was safe whether my shield was on or not. Knowing this meant I was free to play as often as I wanted.

And boy did I play. I practiced for hours every day. It wasn't long before I could snuff the candle out with ease. Once this was accomplished, I tried controlling the light output. The flame grew brighter and weaker depending on what I needed. I then moved up to multiple candles and snuffing them one at a time and as a group. Both still needed a great deal of work, but I was pleased with my progress.

All things considered, I thought I was doing great on my own. I talked more to cows than actual people, but this was a plus in my book. They didn't judge my lack of shoes or my habit of running naked through the pasture. They chewed their cud, mooed at their friends, and minded their own business. A more perfect group of companions couldn't possibly exist.

Jasper and the Cullens became little more than whispers in my head. Searching for answers almost got me caught once. I'd rather know nothing and stay free than know everything and live in a cage.

For the last month, I focused on training my mind and my body. My speed and power were inadequate. I wanted to run faster and jump greater distances. My fighting skills were subpar. I also tripped far more than any self-respecting vampire should. It wasn't that I lacked balance. My legs just didn't always work that well with my feet, especially when I reached higher speeds. By human standards, I was extraordinary. In the world I inhabited, I would probably be considered a joke.

Lucky for me, I was a vampire, which gave me excellent muscle memory. It took only a few repetitions for me to learn any skill. Because of this, I was able to work through a variety of footwork drills ranging from dancing to football. The cows laughed. I cheered.

I wasn't interested in obvious self-defense techniques. Those could come later. I was more concerned with being able to get my body to move fluidly and respond automatically. This wasn't something a vampire could do just by waking up with venom in their veins. It took practice. We had to know our strengths and weaknesses and work with both.

For example, I was not a great runner, but I could climb really well. I challenged anyone to take me on in a tree fight. I could maneuver like a monkey. It was really quite impressive. Of course, I didn't have anyone to compare it to other than Emmett. The other Cullens never played with me. Stuffy Edward and grumpy Rosalie were too busy flicking their hate boogers at the world. Snotty brats.

Emmett wasn't like them in the least. I should have gone back for him. If our roles were reversed that night, he would have done anything to help me. All I did was jump in an ocean and swim as far away from danger as I could.

Was he still alive? Had Jasper or the tracker killed him? If he was alive, would he understand why I abandoned him?

Knowing Emmett like I did, he was doing perfectly fine. If ever there was a man who could adjust to the world around him, it was my brother. He would also more than understand why I took off on him.

Somewhere he was sitting with our enemies and beaming with pride every time someone failed to capture me. Even if they offered him freedom, he would stay just in case they found me. And if his loyalty to this other sister, Alice, was half of what it was for me, he would stay for her.

This was who he was, and I abandoned him.

* * *

The truck stop I chose to make my phone call was in an ideal location. It was right off an interstate and close to another high traffic roadway. Escape would be easy. I could hitch a ride in one of the semis and not leave even a hint of a trail.

I typed in the number off a stolen phone card and then dialed Carlisle's cell phone. I was certain Jasper kept it on the off chance I tried to contact him.

Sure enough, he answered right away. "Where are you?"

"The moon. Take a shuttle up here and find me."

He sighed. I was aggravating. He was impossible. Together, we were probably intolerable.

A pleading voice stabbed at my heart. "Bella, if you'll tell me where you are, I promise I'll come alone. I won't force you to come back with me. I won't hurt you. I only want to see you. Is that too much too ask?"

Way too much. "What did you do with the family? Did you kill them?"

"Esme and Carlisle are in Alaska with the Denali clan. Emmett and Rosalie are with us. He refused my offer of freedom."

It was just as I thought. "And Edward?"

"For the moment, he's still alive, as is Rosalie. I can't promise they'll stay that way."

I was neither surprised nor bothered by that news. "Thank you for telling me. I should go now."

"Don't go. Talk to me."

I didn't have much to say. "Stop chasing me. I don't want to play hide and seek with you for the next century. It's stupid."

"I'm letting you run, Bella. I could have you back here with four words. I haven't said them because I want it to be your choice."

Jasper could use a hundred words. None of them would be good enough. I hung up the phone and hitchhiked north. Esme and Emmett were safe, and my conscience was clear.

* * *

**Day one hundred thirty-four**

I pushed open the door of the diner with a loud whoosh. Wind slammed it against a wall and drew the attention of everyone in the building. All eyes were on me as I headed for a booth at the back of the room.

I should have worn pants. My gray shirt was shorter than was probably appropriate. The rope belt I had hanging from my waist added nothing to my outfit. The grass and mud stains made it worse. I did have shoes on my feet. I stole them off a woman I killed several weeks ago. She also donated the aviator shades I used to hide my red eyes.

Not for the first time, I wished I took greater care with my appearance. I had avoided my reflection for three years. I couldn't have made a pretty sight. My hair was a mass of tangled waves. I hadn't been able to pull my fingers through it in a week. It needed a serious brushing.

_Why am I here? _

I was lonely, and I needed to work on my people skills. Cows could only say so much, and birds only talked about bugs and chicks. I needed voices. Human or vampire. I didn't care. I just needed to exchange words between myself and someone else. There were few opportunities where I could do this.

Talking to my food would lead to letting them go. My venom wasn't about to let that happen. Calling the only person I knew would lead to worse trouble. In the weeks since my last short phone call with Jasper, I was tempted to change my opinion of him. I rejected that idiotic notion as soon as I realized it was what he wanted. He was merciful with the Cullens to score points with me, or he could have lied about them. Either way, I didn't trust his motives.

I slid into the booth and slouched down. No one was talking. They were too busy looking at me.

A waitress appeared at my table. "What can I get you?"

"Water with lemon. Please."

My small, shaky voice made me sound battered and broken. I wasn't. The problem was my mouth never adjusted immediately to talking. I rarely spoke, and when I did, I sounded like a musical instrument. Trying for a more normal tone always made me sound like a scared puppy. I was a lion with a whimpering mouse voice.

The waitress crouched down next to me and lowered her voice. "We have a ladies room in back if you want to wash your face."

Her plastic tag told me her name was Patty. Red hair was pulled back with a white clip and covered by a net. She smelled like marigolds. It was not a pleasant scent. There was a reason those flowers were used to ward off mosquitoes. Considering my blood lust, it was oddly appropriate.

"How big is your flower garden?" I asked her.

The strange question didn't faze her. "Bigger than I need it to be. Flowers are addicting."

So was hot, sticky blood. "I know what you mean."

"I'll get that water for you."

Conversations began to pick up, and eyes pretended to look elsewhere. No one knew I could hear them clearly.

_Do you think someone beat her up? Runaway. She sure is pretty. That shirt is indecent. Avert your eyes, young man. That girl is trouble. Who is she? _

I pushed my sunglasses off my face and let them rest on my head like a crown. I was a shady princess. It fit.

The menu was comfort food and had me panting. Macaroni and cheese made me think of a heavyset blond woman I enjoyed a week ago. She was dressed in her Sunday best and had just returned home from church. She squeaked like a dog toy when she saw me in her kitchen.

I picked her house because I didn't see any children's toys in the yard. Delicate curtains said it was a female's home. I also noticed the peeling paint on her shutters. They didn't fit with the manicured lawn. She hired a gardener but didn't have the money to repaint her house. No roommates to help with bills. No kids to get in my way. Little bother. Big return.

Patty returned and set a glass down in front of me. "Have you decided?"

Food. People ate food. "Can I have another minute?"

"Sure."

_Look at her hair. It's matted. Did you see those legs? She's on the run from something. I don't like her. Indecent. Trash. Drug addict._

I let the hurtful words fade and tried to imagine my candle. It was my security blanket. If I could control the flame, I could control my surroundings.

My well-trained mind brought forth the image with ease. I set it in the center of my menu. The Red Dash Range was one of only three places to eat in this small town. I should head to California where there was more variety. By day, I could swim in the Pacific and play chase with the sharks. By night, I could hunt the streets for under the radar targets. No one missed the unwanted.

_Candle. Think about your candle_. I smothered the flame. Tiny wisps of smoke scented the air as orange wax dripped onto the menu and puddled around the phone number. I curled the digits around with my mind and let them dance across the menu. Pretty.

I decided to order the mac and cheese. It would remind me of dead church lady. Her blood still warmed my body and coated my eyes. She swore the devil would get me. I laughed and told her he already had.

More Patty. "Figure it out?"

My voice was tranquil. "Just some macaroni and cheese."

For the next few hours, I picked at my food and sipped at the single glass of water. These were my attempts to appear normal. My only real interest was my candle. It was my friend, the only one I had.

I was lost in my head when someone placed a hand on my right shoulder. I flinched. No one touched me there. It didn't need to be said. It should be understood.

The marigold scent told me who the rule breaker was. "We're closing up in about fifteen minutes."

_Don't kill her. She doesn't know any better._

I slipped her a fifty. "Thanks for telling me. I should probably get going."

There was an awkward pause. "Do you have a place to go?"

California beaches were calling my name. If I ran fast, I could be swimming in the ocean by sunrise. "Yes."

My appearance gave her the wrong idea. "If you need help, don't be afraid to ask."

I wasn't afraid of help. I just didn't need it. "I'm not a victim. Everything wrong with me, I did to myself."

Patty wasn't someone to pry too far in other people's business. She tested the waters and pulled back when she found it cold, but she still maintained her friendliness. "You should come back again. Try the meat loaf."

Large man with ruddy cheeks. Delicious. "I'll do that."

I left the diner and let the night take me.

* * *

**Day one hundred thirty-six**

I was luxuriating in my first official bath as a vampire. Soap suds foamed around me, and warm water lulled me into a relaxed state. I was a fool to pass up this luxury for so long.

It wasn't the reaction at the diner that brought me here. I did this all on my own. There was no excuse for neglecting my appearance. If I could work on my mind and body, I could damn sure take a minute to brush my hair and bathe every day. Not doing so was more of a stab at Edward than anything else, which was the same as cutting my nose off to spite my face.

_Forget him. _

I sang Britney Spears songs and let the water wash away my cares. I had very few that needed scrubbing. I was actually pretty happy with where I was going. I had roamed aimlessly for a while, but plans were forming in my head.

After stealing some clothes and robbing a few people, I would run back east to Patty's diner. The people seemed nice, if a little gossipy. Mostly I liked it because I was able to relax. I didn't jump every time the door opened. No one bothered me. The waitress was friendly. I liked it there.

If I was lucky, I could hang out for a few months and make a few friends. I would have to travel for my food, but that was no biggie. It was never wise to go on a killing spree in your adopted town. I did that down in Texas last month. It was sloppy.

I climbed out of the tub and wrapped a giant towel around me. Its softness was almost as good as the bath. I needed a home. A real home.

After searching through cabinets, I found a hairbrush. I wanted to work through my tangles before I risked looking in the mirror. The chore was easier than I deserved. My silky tresses released their tangles without a single hard tug. I credited the vampire in me. She was a lucky bitch.

_Okay. Take a look. How bad can it be? _

I saw my eyes first. The red didn't shock me like it had before. I even liked it. I understood now what I was and what the blood meant. I could see the surfer from yesterday floating around with the remains of the dead church lady. Vampires carried our victims with us. When we burned through their offerings, they were released to the heavens.

I imagined each victim offering reassurances to their replacement. While they were mine, I would treat them right and let them go when I no longer benefited from their weakening power. In life and death, everyone had an expiration date. By tomorrow, only the surfer would remain. He made my eyes red and my body stronger.

I admired my lashes and eyebrows next. They framed eyes crafted by nature's finest artist. Venom was remarkable. It carved away our flaws and enhanced the smallest traces of beauty. Who was I to reject its gift? The venom molded me into the ultimate predator. How could I accept one aspect of my change and reject all others? I was swift in my movements, ethereal in my beauty, but a savage when I fed.

Edward once told me that vampires were wicked souls cast from heaven. I didn't agree then or now. We were wicked souls, but we left heaven on our own.

With quick fingers, I braided my hair into a single plait and let it hang over one shoulder. From now on, this was how I would manage my hair. Before I left the Cullens, it was a daily activity for me. I stopped doing it just for the sake of change, but it was a failed experiment. A braid was practical and neat. When I wasn't running wild, I would unravel my hair and let it have its way, but for now, this was best.

Clothes came next. Today was my lucky day. Half of the closet had never even been worn. I bundled up everything I thought would work and shoved it into a bag. Sensing my time was running short, I threw on something to cover me and made a dash for the nearest window.

I was a street over when I heard the homeowners pull into the driveway.

* * *

**Day one hundred forty**

I walked into the Red Dash Range a changed woman. My clothes were clean, and my hair tidy. No one registered my arrival. I was just another person wanting a bite to eat.

I sat in the same booth as before and ordered water with lemon. The gossip tonight was about someone else. Patty hadn't returned from her days off.

The news displeased me greatly. She was supposed to be here. I wanted her to see that I was a normal person. She was friendly enough to talk to me even when she didn't know me. She would do it again. We could chat about meatloaf and apple fritters.

So where the hell was she? Didn't she know I was waiting?

Well, no. And it made me sound like a brat for expecting her to.

This was silly. Why did I even want a human friend? Every minute in their company made me thirsty. People didn't have thoughts or feelings. They had blood. It was all I needed from them. Just because someone was nice to me for five seconds didn't mean we were destined to be friends.

A couple talking from across the room caught my ear. "She was a runaway. We should have called the police."

When they went on to mention soiled clothing and ratty hair, I knew they were talking about me.

A police car zoomed by the diner with its lights flashing. Not a minute later, an ambulance came from the same direction. Another police car came next and then the sheriff. In a low crime town, this was a big deal. Half the diners stood up and moved to the windows.

Once everyone sat back down, the gossip began. The accident or crime from tonight capped off an exciting week for the residents in this small community.

It started when an urchin barged her way into the restaurant and acted like a crazy witch. She disappeared into red smoke and let out a cackle. I thought it was a little heavy handed on the exaggerations. I was hardly a witch.

After the witch came the businessmen. One woman said they were mafia. She was laughed at by a gentleman who said they were obviously from the government. Someone else corrected them and said they were male models with a chip on their shoulders.

The description struck a nerve. I tapped a neighboring diner on the shoulder. "These men that were here. What did they look like?"

The woman dove straight into an answer. "Gorgeous. We don't see their kind around these parts. Sculpted is what my daughter said. She had a crush on the one with blond hair. But something about him didn't sit right with me."

Jasper. Knives dug into my throat. "When were they here?"

"Four or five days ago. Three of them swarmed the diner. Another four spread out and jogged into the trees. It was the damndest thing. Someone stepped out and shouted that we have a bathroom, but they didn't care."

I stood up and knocked my table over in the process. The glass of water shattered when it hit the floor. My nose flared waiting for blood. I needed it now. It would give me the strength to escape.

When the smell I desired most in the world didn't reach me, I dug into a pocket and pulled out a wad of bills. I threw them at the lady next to me.

"Give that to the waitress. Tell her I'm sorry about the mess."

I left in a rush, pushing over a few people standing in my way. They grumbled at me for bumping them, but I didn't bother to turn back and apologize. I had to escape this town.

* * *

By midnight, I was several hundred miles north of the diner. I ran the first hundred and hitchhiked the rest. A pretty girl was impossible to turn down for some people. Two of them paid for their kindness with their lives. They provided much needed nourishment for my legs. I wasn't done running. This was a break to let my thoughts catch up with the miles I traveled.

First and foremost, I was an idiot. Where was my brain? Did I even have one? If so, why couldn't I figure out how Jasper found me this time?

I experimented with my shield for months. Nothing I did recently was any different than normal. So how did he do it? The tracker didn't know my mind. The town was a pit stop on a long highway. It wasn't a part of the Cullens' past or mine. Even thinking about the diner's name shouldn't have done anything. I made similar mistakes several times, and it never once came back to haunt me.

Was that bastard a champion at finding needles in haystacks? Why couldn't he find a different hobby? A different girl? How much clearer could I make it that I didn't want him near me?

Well, I'd make it crystal clear tonight. I sniffed out the closest pay phone and prepared myself for battle. A snap of the neck. An unnecessary clearing of the throat. I was ready for this.

Like before, Jasper answered right away. "Bella?"

_Start slow, tiger._ "How did you find me?"

"Tell me you didn't go back to that town."

Obviously. "I liked that place. The waitress was nice. They had mac and cheese."

And let the lecture begin. "Never go back. When you leave a place, you go for good. You should know that by now. Didn't the Cullens teach you anything?"

_Flash the claws just a little_. "Listen, asshole. I shouldn't have to worry about you dogging my every step. Get over your obsession, and leave me the hell alone. I don't want you."

"You don't even know me. If you'll give me a chance, you'll see I'm not that bad."

"By whose standards? I barely survived you as a human. I'm not giving you another go at me."

"But you might like it."

Was that a joke? It had to be a joke. "Will you kill me gently this time? I've got a suggestion. Try not to slam me into the ground and cause irreparable damage to my brain. I want to be able to give God your name when I ask him to smite your ass."

The jerk laughed at me. "Heaven, Bella? Really? That's reaching a bit high even for you."

"Die, Jasper. Seriously, die. If you don't know how, try biting your arm and lighting a match."

"Tsk tsk. Where is my sweet girl? Did my venom turn you angry?"

"Fuck you."

"Tell me where you are, and we'll work on that task together. I like a soft bed and a clean woman. If you could bathe for a change, that'd be great."

Well that uppity stick in the mud. He was another Edward. Every hair probably had to be arranged just so. Every article of clothing pressed and hung in its proper place. He probably drank blood out of a glass. No wonder he was obsessed with me. I was the only good meal he ever had.

"If you want sex, you'll take me as I am. Dirty clothes, pissy attitude, and bloodied from head to toe. I kill when I want, and I like it. If that doesn't do it for you, find someone else to stalk."

I heard a thunk and a curse.

I probably scared the starch straight out of his shirt. Tie wearing piece of shit. "I hope you die in dirt."

"Ahh. Could you repeat all that but slower this time?"

"No, I won't say it again. You need to know who you're dealing with. I'll eat a man like you for breakfast. So do yourself a favor and keep your distance. All you'll get out of me is a crazed laugh accompanied by a slow death."

I slammed the phone down breaking the receiver into pieces. When that wasn't enough to express my rage, I flipped off the plastic and stomped it into the ground.

I hated that bastard. I wanted to see him just so I could kick his ass. Repeatedly. It shouldn't be possible for me to hate someone this much.

Decision made. There would be no more hiding. I was going to Forks, Washington. The town was under surveillance, and my capture was a guarantee. Good. It was time to see what this prick would do when he had someone running straight at him instead of away.

Soft bed. Clean woman. They matched his flaccid dick and his Clorox personality.

I needed a kill. Now. Right fucking now.

An unlucky salesclerk with an orange vest and a minimum wage life stormed out of the convenience store. "You'll have to pay for that."

And he was about to pay for my shitty night.

* * *

**Author's Note: Do you think she's ready for him? Then again, I might should ask if he's ready for her. I for one am ready to get them in a room together and crack their heads together.  
**

**Thanks for sticking with the story and another thanks to those who have recommended it to others. I can't say enough how much I appreciate it.  
**

**I should have another chapter ready for next Thursday. Until then, I hope everyone has a great Easter weekend. I'll be eating chocolate peanut butter eggs. Sinful little things. I adore them.**

**Thanks again,  
Cris  
**


	26. Chapter 26 Rebel

**Conversations with My Killer**  
Chapter 26 - Rebel

I liked to think I was a calm, rational adult. Anger shouldn't rule my life. Letting it get the best of me was the equivalent of admitting defeat. These empty platitudes might have worked if not for _him_.

Jasper. His name was a curse. We hadn't seen each other in three years, but he somehow managed to fit spiked shackles around my wrists. Every time he searched me out, I felt him pull on the chains. Metal dug into my skin and shredded my flesh. None of it was real, but I felt it all the same.

I didn't have a plan for how I would deal with him. There wasn't a five step process or a carefully constructed plot. I only had an idea. Fire. Him. Both needed to meet and shake hands until ashes were all that remained.

Committing to my idea was as easy as spending two days with my shield down and then jogging north. The name of my former town rang clear in my mind and from my lips. If there was a way for Jasper and his cronies to sense it, I hoped they did.

_Forks._

I didn't even care who caught me. All that mattered was that they bring me to Jasper. I could have just called him, but I wanted him to put out some effort. It made me smile all bright and cheery inside this cold, dead body of mine.

I was probably a happy human until he found me. His venom stained my soul and ripped the humanity out of me. I was cold and coarse. A rock had more feelings than I did. It was Jasper's fault. The only thing in me was a need to kill. It was fitting that he now topped my murder list.

My life was no longer about what I wanted and who I was. It was about ridding the world of his existence. He was a plague that was long overdue for a cure.

I usually hitchhiked or ran when I traveled. Today, I was driving an old clunker I bought for five hundred bucks from a woman down in Longview. The car's windows had a cheap at-home tint applied to them. It obscured the view just enough to provide me some privacy from spying eyes.

With the spirit of a wanderer, I allowed myself a slow tour through the town. It failed to conjure up any old memories. I had yet to find anything capable of unlocking my mind.

I even parked at the old high school and tried imagining myself as a student. Edward said he drove me to school most days. According to him, my truck was an unreliable piece of junk. The pictures of it revealed an old timey charm. Shouldn't someone his age appreciate antiques?

I left the school and drove to the only grocery store in town. I hoped to find a phone book to give me an address for my old house. Had I planned my adventure better, I would have looked this up before coming here.

Once out of my car, I kept my sunglasses on and my head ducked low. Using Edward's pictures as a reference, I made sure to dress completely different from when I was a human. My hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and I wore a loose fitting polka-dot sundress. I still hated shoes, but I found some moccasin slippers that didn't bind my feet too tight.

It wasn't that I disliked clothing. I just didn't understand their purpose. Most clothes and shoes restricted free movement and were itchy. Shirts pulled at my neck. Fabrics were too scratchy on my skin. Shoes slowed me down. Pants never fit right.

The usual reasons behind clothing didn't apply to me. I wasn't working with a human's sense of shame nor did my skin need protection from the elements. Rain and wind felt far better than nylon or cotton. I wore just enough to keep me from drawing too many eyes. This was an evolving process. From the lack of attention I received at the grocery store, I thought I did pretty well today.

I found an old phone book at the empty service desk. A quick flip to the S's gave me what I needed. Charlie Swan lived on Vine Street. Easy breezy.

My car pretty much steered itself to the street. There were few houses on the block. Two were too large and one far too small. Like Goldilocks, the last one I saw felt just right.

I parked down the street. Once I got out, all bets were off. If Jasper or his minions were looking for me, this was where they would be. Nothing in the town gave me a nervous tingly sensation on my neck. Sitting fifty yards from my old house had my body screaming death metal.

It was time to get this over with. I ran a good race. If sticking my neck out at the end would allow me to win, it was worth it. Then again, this could just as easily be a mistake that allowed my hunter a better angle to chop off my head. Either way, the end was as necessary as it was near.

I got out of the car. One foot in front of the other. My moccasins were nice and soft. They allowed for a pleasurable walk to an uncertain destination. Whatever happened, I was keeping my shoes.

This old house of Charlie's made me home sick even when I was standing right in front of it. The grass was overgrown and the windows boarded up. Someone probably threw rocks at the glass. Stupid kids.

Why did they even do it? Where was Charlie? Why was the house sitting empty?

The questions were forgotten when a gust of wind sent me my first whiff of vampire. The lack of complexity to the scent made me think there was just one out there. In contrast, the Cullens were a Halloween sack of candy. Emmett always joked he was a Snickers bar. It was a shame his wife was a Tic-tac.

A man's voice lured me from the front of the house. He was inviting me to join him. We could skip through the forest and share a hiker when the remains of our last victim left us. He had wonderful sights to show me. I would be safe with him.

I wasn't buying his bullshit, but I was curious to see just who he was. I expected Jasper, but I could already tell this was someone else entirely.

I came around the side of the house and spotted a man running away. It didn't take a genius to figure out his strategy. He would lure me into the trees. Whoever was with him would circle around and close in on me. I would be trapped.

_Not today, boys._

I was pissed off and tired of the crap. Rather than follow him, I walked just out of sight of the nearest house and sat my happy butt on the ground. When they tired of their games, I would be waiting for them to come for me.

It took two hours. Losers.

* * *

Three days of traveling brought me to a ranch in Mexico. I didn't talk to my escort. Minions were not within the scope of my interest. I had bigger fish to fry.

The smell of vampires permeated the air for miles. There were dozens of them in the area. Once we were within sight of the beige colored compound, we slowed to a human pace. I was informed that this was a policy put in place by Alice.

I liked to picture her with long red hair and a rat face. She was a Cullen and a friend of Jasper's. Those were two strikes too many against her. If she was half as annoying as the rest of them, I hoped to toss her ass in the same fire as Jasper. They could both roast in hell.

We were waved through a fancy wrought iron gate. What a useless piece of metal that was.

All eyes were on me as we made our way through the courtyard. My escort strolled. I strutted. It was the moccasins. They came with moxie and some sweet ass fringe.

Boy Three from our little group opened the doors. He had a cute smile, but he couldn't work up the nerve to look me in the eyes. Only Boy Five did that. He thought he was hot shit. I called him lukewarm poo.

More vampires. Too pretty. Too perfect. Too tall. Too pale. Too everything. None needed a mirror. They only needed to look to the left. They were practically clones.

Half of the women were dressed in layered sheer fabric. The tasty bits were covered, but there was just enough of the rest to make a person take a good long look. The other half wore tank tops and loose fitting cargo pants. I wondered what they kept in their pockets.

The men dressed much like the women. Half looked ready to join an orgy. The other half were prepared for a paleontology dig. They needn't bother with dinosaurs. The man at the front of the crowd was a T. Rex.

Long black hair framed the face of a skilled death dealer. His eyes were as hardened as his forbidding features. No one needed to tell me he was the coven leader. Power was laced into his very being.

He sat in one of five straight backed wooden chairs that resembled thrones. They were arranged in a half circle with the man in charge sitting in the middle seat. To his immediate left was a small woman with black spiky hair and eyes too large for her face. Even with venom to balance her features, she appeared owlish.

Every vampire in the room craned their heads around each other to get a better look at me as I walked through the crowd. I was the catch of the day. They should hang me from a hook and measure me while someone else took a picture for the paper.

I didn't like the set up here. The only ones sitting were the reptile and his pet bird. The rest were standing around like it was their job. I also didn't like the thought of having a crowd at my back and a pair of vampires with a royalty fetish at my front.

I opted for a compromise. There were three empty chairs. Why shouldn't one be mine? I sat down in one on the end and threw a leg over one of the arms. It was good to be a rebel queen.

I hoped they had delivery in this hell hole. "I need a fresh human every five days at the most. Don't bring me children and never a man dressed in orange. Neither sits right in my belly."

T. Rex's voice cut through the air like a steel blade. "You're late. Our Thursday meetings start at noon."

So that was the game we were playing. Fine by me. "I'll try to remember that."

* * *

The dinosaur was named Demetri. Alice was the owl. The three of us played it smooth through the rest of the meeting. They seemed perfectly content with letting everyone believe I belonged here. If I didn't know better, I would have believed it myself.

Once the crowd cleared out, the real business commenced. "What do you want with me?"

Before answering, Demetri glanced at his partner who gave him a nod. "What do you know about the Volturi?"

Not a thing, but I was about to be educated.

It took an hour for them to cover everything they thought I needed to know.

"There's a war coming. Without you on our side, we can't win," Demetri finished.

_Then you are fucked. _I would sooner kill Emmett than help this man with anything.

Some of my animosity spilled out of me. "Let's say you're not messing with me, and there really is a war coming. What makes you think I would help you?"

His snake's voice was a whistle in my ear. "Because we know something you don't know."

"Don't puff out your chest like you're in elite company. Everyone knows more than I do."

Alice cut in. "Only because you trusted the wrong people. That was your mistake, not ours."

"You mean the wrong people who saved my life after one of your people tried to kill me. Yeah, I can see where that was a silly mistake."

"Jasper didn't try to kill you. It was an accident."

She needed to close that trap of hers. "You don't get to decide what I know about that night. People lie. They manipulate by picking and choosing which stories to tell. I'll decide for myself what I believe about him and everything else. When I do want your input, I'll ask for it."

Alice was about to object again when Demetri covered one of her hands with his own. "She has no reason to trust us. Be glad she is here at all."

She bowed her head and apologized.

"You'll have to excuse Alice. She is very protective of Jasper, as am I. He has not had an easy life."

I really didn't care. "Where is he?"

Alice answered. "California with Emmett and others. We wanted time alone with you before the drama starts."

"Drama?"

"Don't play stupid. You and Jasper have a lot of shit to work out. It'll be World War III around here for at least a month."

Unless I killed him. "What do you think is going to happen?"

She took on an exhausted tone. "He'll say something stupid. You'll get mad. There will be a fight or two. You'll start to forgive him, and he'll say something worse than the last comment. I'm tired just thinking about it."

I kind of liked her. Actually both of them weren't bad. They were direct and appeared to be honest. Demetri was a bit of a cold fish. The man didn't seem to have even an ounce of personality. Regardless, it was nice to have people lay their cards on the table instead of hiding them up their sleeves. Though it was entirely possible they had a deck or two stashed under the table.

Enough about Jasper. "These other three chairs. Whose are they?"

"The one to Alice's left belongs to Felix. We mentioned him earlier. He is a skilled fighter and works alongside Jasper to train the others. You'll know him when you see him. He's as tall and strong as Emmett."

Demetri waved a hand at the chair between the two of us. "This is Jasper's. I'll leave it to him to discuss his ability. The chair you're sitting in belongs to you. You sit at his right just as Alice sits at Felix's right."

"What makes us so special?"

"Because when we speak, our coven listens. Change comes when they stop."

This was what happened with him and Felix. Aro spoke, but they no longer heard his call. They were still technically members of the Volturi, but soon their duplicity would be revealed. The only question was whether or not I would help them win the war that was coming. As it stood now, I would watch them die, and they knew it.

Demetri stood up and moved to my side. "Shall I show you to your room or would you like a tour of the property?"

I would like to separate his head from his neck. If I thought there was any real chance of that happening, I would do it in a heartbeat.

I let my bad attitude take up a special place in my mind. I would let it sit there and wait just like the rest of me. Now that I knew what this man wanted, I was dead set against giving it to him.

"My room, please."

"Bella, you should know that if you decide to leave us, no one will stop you. You have my word."

There was an intensity in his eyes that was utterly convincing. Not only would no one stop me, he would kill them if they tried. Seeing him go from soulless one second to fervent the next was very unsettling.

Demetri clasped one of his hands with mine. "Come along. I have much to show you."

The house was at the center of a ranch he purchased a decade ago. It was only in the last several years that he came into the money required to build on the land.

"Only the five of us have rooms in the main house," he explained at we climbed the wide staircase. "Others are assigned to the smaller houses based on rank. The newest recruits have no rooms. They relax in the common areas."

"What about training? I need to work on my fighting."

"We have three areas set aside. One is in the building south of here. The other two are in a clearing to the west. You can even find your own location elsewhere. It's entirely up to you."

He opened a door at the end of a long corridor on the third floor. "This is your room. If you need anything or have any questions, Alice and I won't be far away."

Stale air welcomed me into the space. A bed was located to the left. Across from it was an entire wall of books with a wheeled ladder to reach the ones from up high. Two rocking chairs were next to an expansive window on the east wall. Between them was a small table with a book just waiting to be cracked open.

In another part of the room, I had a desk that sat in front of a group of glass shelves holding various animal skulls. To the right was a bulletin board with children's artwork taking up every inch of space. My eyes caught on a picture with my name spelled out in purple crayon. It hung next to a picture of a turkey made out of a small hand print.

I couldn't make heads or tails of this room. It was like it belonged to two different people. One was four years old. The other collected dead animals. Had I been a multiple personality?

* * *

After taking a long shower and raiding the closet, I sat in one of the rocking chairs and spent the better part of three hours trying to figure out just what the hell I was doing here. This coven was responsible for my death. A veritable army of vampires resided within the walls of this compound, which made sense considering what Demetri told me.

I hadn't known what to expect from them, but it wasn't that they would need me for a war. And just what was it that they knew that would entice me to help them? I couldn't think of a single thing worth fighting for other than my own life.

More relevant to right now, how long would I hide in this room?

From the lack of noise, I had a strong suspicion everyone was still gone. No one was walking around or talking. The place was dead.

The continued silence was too much for me. I had to go look. I crept down the stairs like a burglar. The occasional squeaks in the floorboards were the loudest noises in the house.

"Hello," I shouted. "Where did everybody go?"

Owlish Alice popped up behind me. "Hunting. Most will return by tomorrow evening. I stayed behind to spend time with you."

"Afraid I'll cut and run?"

"No. You came here to kill Jasper. I doubt you'll give up after a few hours. You haven't even seen him yet."

That would teach me not to drop my shield. I learned from our earlier conversation that she couldn't read my decisions when it was in place. "I do want him dead."

"Let's speak on the patio. The stars are bright tonight."

I wanted to kill her brother. She wanted to look at stars. Alice was not a normal girl.

She also wasn't the least bit interested in my plans. Once outside, we sat next to the pool and let our feet rest in the water.

"So what do you think of all this?" she asked. "And don't hold back. I want your honest opinion."

"If you mean Demetri's court, it's lame. The thrones are high school drama club cheesy. The cloaks you two were wearing made you look like you're going to a Star Wars convention."

"It's tradition. The Volturi set the precedent."

That was the problem. "Why borrow traditions from the enemy? It makes you look like you're not smart enough to come up with your own ideas."

Alice tapped her heels in the water. "You're young. I don't expect you to understand."

"From what you said earlier, complacency and an aversion to change are the Volturi's greatest weaknesses. Why are you signing up for more of the same?"

She let out a laugh. "You sound like Jasper."

"Nooo," I cried. "Kill me now."

"I've been tempted."

"Here I thought we were practically sisters, which reminds me. Where are Rosalie and Edward?"

Alice's mood turned icy. "They live on the far side of the ranch. We haven't decided if we should execute them or not."

"Why just them two? What about Emmett, Esme, and Carlisle?"

"It all goes back to that night. Carlisle was the one who saved your life. The others stayed behind to prevent Jasper from following. They took him apart as a means of restraining him."

"But why do that when the damage was already done to me?"

"In my vision, you died and he killed half the family. I warned them ahead of time because I thought they should know what the risks were. I didn't know they would spread out his pieces. Edward and Rosalie did it when Esme and Emmett went to check on you."

I saw too many holes in the story. "Where were you and Demetri? Why didn't you help him?"

"Demetri was busy with someone else. I didn't make it to Washington until the second day. It was then that I had a separate vision of the family taking you away. I told them they couldn't because of certain issues with another recruit."

I needed to remember to ask about that part later. "Then what happened?"

"It wasn't until after I talked to Carlisle that I found out what Edward and Rosalie did. I left right away to retrace their steps. While I searched, the family took off with you. They promised they wouldn't, but it was a lie."

I still had tons of questions, but I was too stubborn to ask them. Jasper wasn't important. I didn't like him. Hell, I hated him. What did it matter what happened once he was put back together? Why should I care? He was nothing to me.

If that were true, would I really need to try so hard to convince myself? Probably not. I couldn't deny there was something about him that intrigued me.

_Stop thinking about him. _

I pulled my feet out of the water. "I think I'll go read."

Alice knew exactly why I wanted to escape. "He's not as bad as you make him out to be. He isn't your enemy."

"That's just it. I don't know what to believe. I haven't met anyone who hasn't lied to me at least a dozen times. You're no different. I can tell you're leaving something out."

She shrugged. "Some stories are not mine to tell. It's not lying when someone doesn't give you all the information they have."

It was a different form of dishonesty far worse than lying. I couldn't even say with any degree of certainty that what she told me tonight was true. My mistakes with the Cullens taught me to trust no one.

* * *

I was still thinking about Jasper. Time and distance erased some of my anger at him. I was almost willing to admit that I enjoyed our conversations. He was a jerk. I was a bitch. It worked.

_No. No. No._

I wouldn't like him. I couldn't. He was awful. I bet he smelled like peppermints and lemon. I already knew he was too pretty by half. Worse than that he was a clean freak.

Again, I was thinking about him too much. Fresh air would clear my head and erase my thoughts.

I wandered downstairs and saw that the five chairs were missing. Alice was standing off to the side sketching something out on a large pad. She waved me over when she saw me.

"What do you think?" she asked after handing me her drawing.

It was a round garden with really big rocks. "I'm not understanding what this means."

"It's an outdoor seating area. The different layers of the circle allow for separation between the different ranks of the coven members. Recruits are in the lowest areas of the circle. The more powerful members will claim the higher placed outside rings."

It still sounded wonky, but it was better than those stupid thrones. "I like it."

"Good. Because I was hoping you would help me build it."

Manual labor under the Mexican sun. Dirt and grime. That was my favorite kind of party. "When can we start?"

"We have to run it by the others first."

_Break a few rules, Alice. Damn._ "I bet you brought your teachers an apple every morning, didn't you?"

"I don't know. I'm like you. I have no human past."

A light bulb turned on in my head. She was the one Carlisle was talking about when he mentioned another vampire suffering memory loss. "Why didn't the family tell me? It makes me mad at them all over again."

"Don't be. I didn't part with them on good terms. Esme probably found it too painful to talk about me."

That wasn't a good enough excuse. "It would have helped a lot to know about you."

"I know what you mean. It's difficult for people to understand what it's like to have nothing and be no one. They think you should just be able to accept it and move on."

Bingo. This girl was inside my head. "Exactly. You wake up in an adult body with a mind full of facts, but you're missing the only information you care about."

Alice started doing her bouncing thing. "It's why I've been so impatient to finally meet you again. I thought our shared experiences would help us become friends."

The sincerity in her words broke through my defenses. Unlike the others, we were truly born into this existence. It was a blessing and a curse. We knew each other in ways no one else ever could.

Dammit. I wanted to be her friend. Why was this happening? The moment was so sugary sweet we belonged back with the Cullens. It was disgusting and great at the same time.

I would never escape this coven now. I wanted to be here just to spend time with her.

* * *

Two days of rabble-rousing made me a popular girl. My proudest moment came when a bonfire was fed a diet of ugly chairs and flimsy fabric.

It all started when I asked several of the women point-blank why they lounged around in harem wear. I learned it was a style dictated by some chick named Maria. No one liked their clothes, but they were afraid to rock the boat. Apparently, this woman was a royal bitch.

With Alice's help, I convinced a few of the men and women to go back to wearing what they liked. Three turned into five and then seven. Hours later, we had a party with fire and fun. There was loud singing and sex in the bushes. All they needed was someone encouraging them to break from the pack. No one should tell them who to be or what to wear. It was ridiculous.

In unison, Alice and I declared it fucking awesome while Demetri looked on with a disapproving scowl.

Today, we turned our attention to her ideas for a new seating area. She was such a daddy's girl. She batted her eyelashes and made her voice come out in a kittenish purr as she tried selling the boss on her plans.

If they were human, their interactions would have come across as a family with a dark, dirty secret. I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing. She had Demetri wrapped around her perfectly manicured pinkie.

After he gave her permission to work on her project, she jumped up and kissed him on the right cheek before scampering off. I would have gone with her, but Demetri wanted to have a chat.

It was serious business. He paced the room like a general. His posture was stiff and his expression severe. "In the four days you've been here, you've taken over my home, burned my chairs, and encouraged my coven to shred their clothes. You still want to kill my best friend, and you make no secret of your disdain for anything resembling order."

I wagged a finger at him. "I also cleaned the pool."

He was not amused. "You're taking advantage of your position."

Why wouldn't I? "I never said I'd play fair, and it's not like I care if you approve of what I do."

"I didn't say I was unhappy with all the changes. I do, however, take issue with your intentions."

This man orchestrated my human death. No one had to tell me this. I figured it out on my own. "Now you know how I feel. Sucks, doesn't it?"

* * *

Alice and I were returning to the house after a long day of digging up rocks. Both of us were filthy from head to toe. She swore it was the most fun she had in years. Throughout the day, she told me stories about her partner, Felix.

"Do you want me to tell you about the night you met him?" she asked.

I stopped walking. From my legs to my ears, I rejected the idea. "Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't want to know."

"I thought that was why you came here. You wanted answers."

"That was partly why, but I don't think I need them like I did before."

Alice understood perfectly. "You wonder if learning about your past will change who you are in the present."

"Exactly. I don't want that. When I look in the mirror now, I see me instead of a stranger. It took me three years to do that."

She draped an arm around my waist. "You beat my number. It took me five."

Being friends with her was seriously screwing up my plans. "I wish I didn't like you."

Her frowny face came out. "Is it really so bad here? You seem happy."

"I am. I hate that I like it more than I ever hated it to begin with, which sounds completely screwed up. I need a translator for my mind."

"I think you just need to accept that we make better friends than enemies."

I ruffled her dirty hair. "Only one of you."

We chatted about nonsense the rest of the way home. She wanted a cat but worried about Panama's reaction. I told her I didn't think that particular country would care. It was Colombia she needed to worry about. She apologized and then laughed. It was the craziest thing.

"You don't understand -"

Her explanation was forgotten when someone called out her name. The front doors were thrown open with a bang. A giant of a man crossed the threshold. This had to be Felix. Alice ran like lightning and threw herself around him with a squeal.

Her enthusiasm was contagious. I wanted to hug him, and I didn't even know the man.

Felix saw me. His smile dissolved into an open mouthed stare. He turned his head slowly to the side just as another man walked around him. The newcomer wasn't interested in us. He was looking over a piece of paper.

I flashed Felix my brightest smile. After hearing Alice talk about him all day, I was excited to finally meet him. "Hi. I'm Bella."

The man with the paper in his hands snapped his head up and looked at me. If vampires got sick, he was about to hurl his last snack. He took a bad step and lost his footing. He was so intent on looking at me that he didn't even try to catch himself. After landing hard on the ground, he gazed blankly at me.

Felix said something unintelligible and disappeared into the darkness with Alice still attached to him. She observed the awkward scene with a cheeky grin that changed her from an owl to a chipmunk.

Her amusement at the man's fall got under my skin. I said the first thing to cross my mind. "If she doesn't store nuts in those cheeks, she should."

I heard Felix laugh off in the distance. The man on the ground didn't crack so much as a hint of a smile. I could already tell he was one of those strong silent types.

I blamed the scars. He was the first imperfect vampire I had ever seen. Even with the shattered face, he was still striking in his own way. There was a brutal honesty in his appearance that perfectly reflected what the rest of us were on the inside. I felt an immediate kinship with him.

Here I was focused on his face when I should have been thinking about his embarrassment at having fallen down. We all did it, but none of us wanted anyone else to see it. We were vampires, dammit. That shit shouldn't happen.

"Are you okay? Don't be embarrassed. Just last week, I slipped on a rock and landed in a river. The birds thought it was great."

His voice was a gasp. "Come here."

My body went on autopilot. He called. I came. I couldn't say why.

I plopped down next to him. "I'm dirty from moving rocks all day."

The man was mute. We were perfect partners already. I talked too much. He talked too little.

Mr. Mystery proved me wrong by saying three words. "Are you real?"

I patted my hands up my torso. "I think so. Should I pinch you?"

I smiled at him, which made him look even more dazed. The fall knocked him senseless. He didn't even hit his head, which made me wonder if a male vampire's brain was in his ass. That would certainly explain Jasper's problem.

That thought died when a gentle breeze circulated the air. Licorice and sage with cloves of cinnamon. I was overcome by this intoxicating new scent. I leaned in close and sniffed his neck like an animal. Heavenly. He felt even better. I ran my fingers through his hair. Silky and soft. It was in complete contrast to the rest of him.

He managed a couple words. "You're beautiful."

"That's like saying birds fly. Sure ostriches, emus, and penguins don't, but the rest of them do."

"You still talk too much."

"Do I?"

"Yes." One of his hands settled around my neck. "Why are you so nervous, Bella?"

My name on his lips was music. "I like you, but I shouldn't. It's not a good idea."

"Why?"

"Because there's this crazy vampire. He's obsessed with me. He'll probably pick a fight with you for falling down and saying my name."

Why did I say that? I wanted to punch myself in the mouth. This man rendered me stupid. His smell. His broken face. His red eyes with their pretty dark streaks of fresh blood. I could almost see his last meal waving at me.

And those lips. I bet they tasted sweet and tart with just enough spice to tickle my tongue. I couldn't remember ever being kissed. That was a damn shame.

"What's your name?"

I had to know so I could write it a million times in the dirt. It probably looked just right next to my own.

Not right was the frown. He almost smiled a second ago. Why was he frowning now? That shouldn't happen. Ever. I would kill a small village just to make it stop.

"What's wrong?"

His eyes darkened to a coal black. "You really don't remember me."

"Why would I?"

The night came apart a piece at a time as the truth slowly settled around me.

"You're Jasper."

* * *

**Author's Note: I hope no one minds too much that you didn't get much of Jasper yet. Now that he's here, there's no getting rid of him. Unless Bella kills him, which is very possible.  
**

**I hope everyone enjoyed the chapter. Thanks again for reading and keeping up with the story. I loved the comments for the last chapter. They were really great.  
**

**And an early Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. I hope you all have a great weekend.**

**- Cris  
**


	27. Chapter 27 Lies and Truths

**Conversations with My Killer**  
Chapter 27 - Lies and Truths

"_There's this crazy vampire. He's obsessed with me. He'll probably pick a fight with you for falling down and saying my name."_

_Why did I say that? I wanted to punch myself in the mouth. This man rendered me stupid. His smell. His broken face. His red eyes with their pretty dark streaks of fresh blood. I could almost see his last meal waving at me. _

_And those lips. I bet they tasted sweet and tart with just enough spice to tickle my tongue. I couldn't remember ever being kissed. That was a damn shame. _

"_What's your name?" _

_I had to know so I could write it a million times in the dirt. It probably looked just right next to my own. _

_Not right was the frown. He almost smiled a second ago. Why was he frowning now? That shouldn't happen. Ever. I would kill a small village just to make it stop._

"_What's wrong?"_

_His eyes darkened to a coal black. "You really don't remember me."_

"_Why would I?"_

_The night came apart a piece at a time as the truth slowly settled around me. _

"_You're Jasper."_

* * *

Jasper. The name alone was usually enough to cause the roots of hostility to spread through my body and tangle themselves around my bones. My brief infatuation should have melted away, but it was still there and growing in depth. I didn't want to feel anything for him, but the more I rejected the emotions the harder they came.

The connection I felt to him was worse than waking up confused and empty. It was a stain that would never wash away. He carved it into my shoulder and spread it throughout my body. I was a creature whose design was dictated by my enemy's venom.

This man took everything. I had no peace, faith, or love. The only ties to my past were meaningless images. My memories would never come back. They were simply gone. Jasper killed them and me.

_Hurt him. Yell. Scream. Fight._

The animosity was still present, but something was holding me back from reacting. I was calmer than I should be and struggling to resist it. The internal fight caused agitation to swell through me. It was a welcome change from the numbness.

"Just give me a chance before you push me away. That's all I ask."

His soft voice was a scream, but my silence was deafening. The horrible things I wanted to shout at him were stuck on my tongue. I tried to spit them out, but they ran together creating static in my mind. I no longer wanted to fight him. I only wanted to forget him.

I pushed his hand away from my neck. He tried holding me. Our every move became a tug of war. He wanted me closer. I couldn't move fast enough to get away from him.

"Let me go," I cried out.

"Not until you talk to me."

There was kicking and slapping. I screamed at him to leave me alone. He shouted at me to fight harder. The dust from our struggles clouded the air. I elbowed him in the face and earned a second of freedom before he jerked me backwards.

I reacted like an animal, snapping at the nearest show of skin and shredding it with my teeth. When I went for another bite, Jasper shoved me hard enough to knock me back a dozen yards.

He cradled his arm to his chest and didn't make a move in my direction. I could tell he was finally recovering from the shock of seeing me. "I'm sorry."

No shit, he was sorry. "I'm not a set of monkey bars. Climb on someone else."

Hot, sweet venom ran down my chin. I pulled up my shirt to wipe it and the dirt off my face. Burning mud would seriously mess up my complexion.

I looked up to find Jasper gaping at my partially revealed chest. Such a child. Half our population came with a pair of breasts. They shouldn't come as a big damn surprise to him.

He managed to spit out a predictable demand. "Pull your shirt down."

What was with men that they thought they could order women around? Did they all take the same class?

_How to Be a Dick 101. You don't just have one. You are one._

And I was a shameless bitch. The balance was perfect and awful, just like this whole situation.

Jasper was nothing like I expected. There was no denying the depth of his feelings for me. They were as raw and open as a fresh wound. This knowledge didn't fix what was wrong between us. I was still his victim.

This man crushed my body and almost drained it completely. When he finished with me, he threw me away like garbage and destroyed my mind. He wasn't the only one torn to shreds. I woke up in as many pieces as him. The difference was he came back together and I never would.

That was the truth as I knew it, but seeing him made me very aware that most of my facts could be fiction. I knew I couldn't trust what Edward told me, but with every lie, there was still an element of truth. I just didn't know how much.

Jasper held the answers. He knew my past. Did he really take my life, or did I give it to him? What happened to me? More to the point, what happened to us? We were something before and clearly something still. A part of me felt like we were one in the same. His fractures were visible. Mine were hidden. What else did we have in common?

The bad man was still looking at me like a cat eying the family fishbowl. It wasn't so bad now that we had some distance. Touching him did something strange to me. We needed yards of physical space if I wanted to maintain a clear head.

I found my voice again. "I expected you to look different. I should have recognized your voice. I don't know what happened."

He was back to not talking. It again made me talk too much. "You fell, and I never imagined _him _doing that. Him. You. Your clothes are dirty. There's even a paw print on your shirt. I don't know why your eyes are red because I can smell the dog you killed. You shouldn't do that. I love dogs."

_Please say something. Make me shut up. _He didn't.

"More nothing? Really, Jasper?" I tried teasing a response out of him. "What about jumbo shrimp? Say that with Jasper/Bella, and you get one hell of a pattern here. It's probably a known secret."

Pretty lips twitched. It was a miracle. "You smiled. Somewhere bells are ringing, and saints are singing."

A full blown grin but still no words. This was getting old. "If I slide a coin in your ear, will the machine start to work?"

He swallowed like a nervous kid about to make a speech. "I'm afraid I'll say something wrong. I already wouldn't let you go. That turned out bad."

We fell into an argument. It was as natural as killing. "How could it not go bad? Given our history, I don't want you touching me. Is that hard to comprehend?"

"It is for me. I actually know our history, and I touched you all the time."

"And how did that work out for me?"

Jasper's temper flared. "You can't make our entire relationship about that night. It's not fair. You don't know what you meant to me. You don't know anything."

I knew some things. "This is a check yes or no moment. Was I engaged to someone else? Did you manipulate me from the word go? Was I wrong to put my trust in you? Did you betray me?"

He scratched at his arms and paced the courtyard. His reaction told me everything, but I still pushed. "How many of those can you answer with a no?"

"None," he shouted. "I fucked everything up. Even when you know the truth, I'll still be the villain."

"Just like I thought."

_Enough of this. _

Could we please direct our attention to the other gigantic elephant? It was sniffing peanuts and slapping us with its trunk. It was also a much safer topic than us.

"What happened to your face? And don't act like you're offended by the question. I know you would rather me be blunt than indirect."

My lack of sensitivity was met with a reluctant smile. "I'm impressed you had the nerve to ask me that. No one else ever has."

"You shouldn't be impressed. I'm selectively fearful. Don't me show me spiders or try to hold me captive, and we might find a way to coexist."

"Is that so?"

Probably not. "Answer my question, and it'll be a step in the right direction. We need a few dozen of those."

"Some of the scars came from fights. Some came from a vampire named Jane."

Volturi fire girl? No wonder the coven wanted her dead. "People make a habit out of hurting you. First her and then the Cullens. Why is that?"

A casual shrug. "Because they weren't kind enough to kill me."

Not me. I was super-duper kind. "I would have burned you instead of burying you."

"I know. You hated me that night. I guess you still do."

It wasn't that easy anymore. "I don't know what to think. You're not what I expected."

"You're everything I expected. Maybe even more."

I didn't believe him. "Aren't you the man who called me disappointing?"

"Only when you were."

"And the cliff?"

"You were afraid of all the wrong things. I only wanted to show you there was no reason to fear the edge."

The answer was completely ridiculous. "Humans should absolutely fear the edge of a cliff. It's common sense and basic survival."

Jasper's expression turned as hard as his eyes. "You were brave enough to spend your days with vampires. Your only fears were the ones Edward wanted you to have. It's no different than what he's done to you now."

The last sentence hit too close to home. I opted to ignore it. "That's not bravery. I was a fool."

"You were never a fool. You were smart enough to recognize your own kind. Just because you were born to a human life doesn't mean you're not destined for this one. You can't have one without the other."

His voice was forceful and loud. It made me wonder what exactly it was about this subject that brought out such a heated response. Was it a belief in destiny in general or a deep-seated interest in mine? Something told me it was the latter.

I steered us to something safer. "You dropped me off a roof."

"I was pissed off, and it was better than ripping a hole in your neck."

Oh please. Was that the best answer he could come up with? "Put the cheap explanations away and just admit you're an asshole."

"Why would I bother when you're so quick to point it out to me?"

"For one, it would save me the effort. I could focus on a new hobby. Something crafty. How about I make a quilt out of your excuses? It'll keep you warm in the winter."

"Fair enough. I'll make one out of your denial. It blocks all the elements. I should know. I have one in pink."

This was bad. I liked him. Dammit. "Say something mean to me. I really need to hear something mean. Hurt my feelings. Scream at me. Anything."

"You fight like a dead chicken. If you were anyone else, I would kill you for being so lacking in potential. I don't even know if you're trainable."

Ouch. "Remind me to be careful what I ask for. That hurt."

Jasper crossed his arms over his chest and gave me a thorough once over. "Some vampires are more decorative than useful. You have that going for you."

"And here I was hoping my quick tongue elevated me from decorative to delightful."

"It does, but imagine how fierce you would be if you could fight half as well as you run your mouth."

I knew where this was going. Long days in the dirt. A shared shower. "Is this where you offer to train me?"

"No."

Did his puppy love fade that fast? "I thought you would jump all over that chance. Are you bored with me already? Does this mean you'll leave me alone from now on?"

Oh my. A smile and a laugh. "I've got a better idea. If you stop believing everything Edward told you, I'll stop expecting you to listen to my side of the story. If you want to talk to me, I'll be around. If you don't, I'll deal with it."

"And if I want to leave?"

"Just give me the opportunity to tell you one thing before you go."

He didn't need to tell me. I already knew he cared for me. If I let my guard down, it would be very easy to return those feelings.

_Stop looking at him. No thinking about him either. Bad man. He killed me. I don't like him. _

It was my turn to make excuses. "I think I'll go inside now. It's been a long day. I'm filthy. There's a book I'm reading."

"You're nervous again. Why?"

I kicked at the ground stirring up more dirt. I liked dirt. It couldn't trick you into believing it was snowflakes, fresh blood, or anything else. It was uncomplicated and honest. I could write my name in it and just be Bella.

Jasper, who would never just be Jasper, was talking again. "There are two journals in a box in your closet. You wrote one. I wrote the other. No lies. Just the truth in our own words."

They could stay in that box. All the past did was complicate my present. He was the perfect example. My anger was now the turtle in a hare's race. It couldn't compete with the emotions he threw at me. And why were they so strong? There was something unnatural about the way he could influence me.

"What are you? You're doing something to me. I can feel it."

He hesitated briefly before answering. "I can control a person's emotions, but I can also share my own."

Every time I managed to recover from what should have been a knockout punch, I got slammed again. This wasn't even a slam. It was a nudge. I wasn't shocked or infuriated. It was just like his scars. The truth about him was hidden somewhere inside me, and I could accept it with little to no reaction. I knew this man even when he was a stranger to me.

"So not only can I not trust your words, I can't trust myself when I'm close to you. That's just perfect."

One more complication in a life full of them. I should never have come here. He was already under my skin. More contact would lead him straight to my heart. I had to get out of here before that happened.

Australia would make for a fun swim and a destination no one would expect. I could wrestle with crocodiles and hop with kangaroos. There was probably any number of clichés to go along with those two. All I needed was to find them.

Jasper read me like a book. "So that's it? You drop in, say hi, and just go. It's that easy for you."

It wasn't easy. It was smart. "Yep, and don't bother telling me those three magic words. I already know how you feel."

He went with four words instead. "We have your father."

By this point, nothing these people did shocked me. Of course they had Charlie. I should have known it from the beginning. His house was abandoned. Would a father leave the place his missing daughter called home? Possibly, but not after only three years.

The most obvious question came first. "Is he one of us?"

"Yes."

"Where is he?"

Jasper looked back at the house.

Questions flooded my mind as I ran. Why hadn't he come out here? Charlie had to know I was here. He could hear me speaking. Did he forget me the same way I forgot him? Was he a slave to these people? Had they found a way of keeping him caged?

Imagining him here with these monsters created a personal connection I usually lacked. I wanted my dad. Not my father. My dad. He was the man who taught me to ride a bicycle and made me feel better about my braces. I didn't know if any of that ever happened, but it should have. If Charlie was the man I imagined him to be, it would have.

When I entered the house, I only saw Demetri. "Where is he?"

"Somewhere you can't find him."

The doors closed behind me with a quiet click. I didn't need to look back to know Jasper had joined us. It was fitting that it was us three in a room. We were the ones who would dictate the future of this coven. Felix and Alice had little say in anything. They were pawns in a game far beyond their control.

Demetri prowled the room circling around me. The man was a lion with a black mane. "You may not remember Charlie, but I know you will fight to save him. It's who you are."

He was wrong. "Keep talking. I can't wait to hear you say you'll kill him if I don't cooperate."

"There are far worse punishments than death. Right, Jasper?"

My blond nightmare was playing the mute again. No surprise there. Dead eyes complemented the scars that made up his entire countenance.

He was the one I raged at. "How can you let him do to Charlie what the Cullens did to you?"

Jasper's voice was as empty as his eyes. "Nothing will happen to him unless you allow it. His fate is in your hands, not mine."

Demetri pushed for an answer. "What's it going to be, Bella? Will you cooperate or not?"

"This coming from the man who promised to let me leave if I wished. Why say that if you didn't mean it?"

"You're more than welcome to leave. Your shield is not our only option. We'll use your father's. You're far stronger than him, but we have our ways of working around that."

Rosalie once told me I was far more valuable split apart than kept together. I didn't understand it at the time, but it was starting to make sense.

"If you're going to tear anyone apart, let it be me. Leave my dad alone."

Demetri shit on that idea. "It won't work with you. His shield is constant and only shared through touch. Yours can be shut off, and it radiates outward."

I felt trapped and pissed off. "Why did you even come looking for me if you had him?"

"Jasper wanted you back. He's my friend, and I like to make him happy."

This day had been going so well until the name Jasper entered the picture. I met someone I thought was special. He turned out to be evil, but that wasn't so rare in our world. At least, I didn't think it was a rarity. I had yet to meet one vampire who wasn't out for himself. We were all selfish to the bone.

I refused to say I would help them. Those words would never cross my lips. My answer came when I walked in the direction of the stairs.

"Where are you going?" Demetri asked.

"My room."

"Excellent. Your training will begin tomorrow. Two hour sessions with me. Another two with Felix or Jasper."

A need to escape pushed me into a run. I had to get away from them. My room was the closest sanctuary. I could take my shower and forget the ugliness of the day. If I tried hard enough, I could pretend I still wanted to be here.

I wondered briefly if Alice was in on this from the beginning. It was a stupid question. Of course, she was. She would have seen Demetri's decision the moment he made it. She was in his pocket the same as everyone else. I couldn't trust her, but that wasn't exactly a secret. I couldn't trust anyone.

Somewhere below me I heard something crash into a wall. Glass broke and Demetri cried out. If he and Jasper were having a fight, I hoped they killed each other.

* * *

The hot water from my shower would have scalded a human. For me, it wasn't close to hot enough. Nothing ever matched the fire in my throat. I needed a kill. Tomorrow I would find one. A deer or a goat. Anything.

I was sitting on my bed brushing out my wet hair when I heard heavy steps on the stairs. I could tell it was Jasper. He stopped outside my door. I expected a knock, but it didn't come. He turned the doorknob and pushed the door open.

"Get out," I ordered.

"You can't order me out of my own room."

It was official. I was the stupidest person on the planet. I had to be. Clues constantly flashed like neon lights at me, and I ignored them every time. "The skulls are yours."

"As are most the books. The soap in the shower. My shampoo and conditioner. I picked out the bed and the linens. The rocking chair on the left is mine as well as all the other furniture."

He pointed at a jewelry box on the dresser. "That's yours. The lamp on the bedside table. Your alarm clock. The rug at the foot of the bed. Let's not forget your iPod and the out of date calendar sitting on the desk. I also painted the walls the same color as your bedroom in Forks."

Had he cleared out all my belongings from my old room? "Why would you do all this?"

"We were both afraid you would forget your human life. I wanted you to wake up surrounded by it. That didn't happen."

A lot of things didn't happen, and a lot of other things did. "Don't come up here and pretend like I matter after what you and your friend did to my father."

"I wasn't in on this. I didn't even know you were here."

"Bullshit."

"Demetri called two days ago and split my group. Felix and I were needed here, and Charlie and Emmett were sent on a recruiting mission in New York state."

Whether any of that was true or not, one fact remained. "One of you killed him."

"Demetri did it the morning after I turned you. I didn't know about it until three weeks later."

Three weeks? Did he really think I would fall for that timeline? "Get out."

"No. You're not strong enough to make me, and I've spent far too long doing what everyone else asks of me. I'm staying in our room. If you don't like it, tough shit."

If I left, he won. If I stayed, he won. I hated this damn place. "I don't want you here."

Jasper ignored me and went into the bathroom. I threw the hairbrush at the door. It was his too. So were the towels I used. Soap and shampoo. Dammit, I smelled like him.

I had a sudden urge to roll in dirt. The urge became a blind need. I hopped off the bed and headed for the open windows. In one smooth motion, I jumped to the ground and hauled ass. It was what I should have done an hour ago.

The rage seething in my veins fed my muscles the same as blood. Why did it take until now for it to flow freely? I wanted to run, kill, and fight. The whole world should burn around me. I would watch with a smile and roast some marshmallows over the nearest fire.

Screw Charlie. I didn't know him. Why should I protect him? If he had protected me, I wouldn't be a vampire.

_Don't be stupid. _Jasper did this. I should have attacked him on sight. Why didn't I? He tricked me with his ability. It was the only explanation for everything. Talking to him. Thinking about him. I did too much of both already. It was almost impossible to break contact with him.

From behind me, I heard a man shout my name. Jasper was coming for me. My legs responded eagerly when I demanded more speed out of them than usual. The dark colors around me blurred into nothing. Miles breezed by in a rush.

My head start wasn't enough nor was my speed. Jasper closed in on me within minutes. When I felt him right behind me, I jumped fast to one side going for a tree. My foot struck it just right, and I propelled myself to the next before landing behind my pursuer.

A large shadow swept across my vision. I saw an arm reach for me and ducked beneath it as I swept a leg around knocking him off his feet. Before he hit the ground, I was off again.

I slid under some low hanging branches and rolled back up to my feet. He hit me from the side. I bounced off a tree and spun out of the way but not before Jasper grabbed me from behind.

"You can't leave, Bella."

_Watch me_.

I knocked my head back into his throat. His hold on me loosened enough for me to gain some leverage. I lowered my body and flipped him over the top of me slamming him down onto his back. Seeing him down woke up the beast within. I stomped on his right knee hard enough for it to crack.

"Fucking asshole," I screamed. "Who fights like a dead chicken now?"

My every shout was accompanied by a kick to something vital. I lacked potential. I was disappointing. He killed me. Everyone lied to me. I had nothing and no one. His arms. His ribs. His legs. His head.

I wanted to bite him and burn him. He should die. They all should.

I patted where my pockets should have been. No pants. Missing matches. Poor planning. His fault. He wasn't fighting back or trying to defend himself. Useless.

_Leave him. He's nothing._

I turned to run, and he kicked my feet out from under me. I landed next to him with a thud. I was dazed just long enough for him to roll over the top of me.

"This is much better," he said with a grin. "You took my advice about the bath. Thank you for that."

_Soft bed and a clean woman. _My left fist landed a nice shot on his chin before he caught my arms. "Be a good girl and stop hitting me."

Was he going to pet me on the head, too? "I won't stop hitting you until you're dead and gone. I despise your ass."

"You only think you do."

No, I was pretty certain of it. I tried twisting my body so I could get out from under him. "Get off me."

He held my wrists against the ground on either side of my head and used his long legs to trap my own. "I waited three years for you to come back to me. You can give me five minutes."

I gave him more than five. He had a plenty of time to screw me over, and he did it marvelously. "You can't even keep your promises for an hour. What happened to letting me go? What happened to not expecting me to listen to your side?"

"I thought you would stay. I didn't know Demetri would be so damn stupid and make you want to take off."

Both were to blame for my escape attempt. "He's evil. You both are."

"Look at it from his point of view. He wanted to find a way to get you to stay with me, and he wanted to help your father. We all care about Charlie, and believe it or not, he cares about us."

Sure he did. Why wouldn't he? "I don't believe you."

"I'm not lying. Charlie volunteered to be torn apart if it would save the coven. If we have you, his sacrifice is unnecessary. It's part of the reason Demetri made hunting you a priority."

Liar. "You're just like Edward. Everything you say is a lie. You want to control me like he did."

"Fine. I'm a fucking liar. I never manipulated you. I only wanted you because of your shield. I stole you from a better man with honest intentions. I didn't like your father. I drugged your milk every morning at breakfast. Do you want more of the truth, or have you had enough?"

I tried again to buck him off of me. "Yes. Now get off me."

He locked my wrists together with one hand and moved the other down to my hip. "I am most definitely not getting off."

The bulge in his pants said otherwise. A horny, obsessive vampire. The night couldn't get any worse. "You're disgusting."

"Play the game, Bella. We're sticking to lies for now. Fighting with you didn't make me hard. It's the lemon trees to the north of here. I love lemons. They're tart and sour, nothing like your peachy sweetness."

He licked along my jawline. "You taste terrible and smell worse. I will never want you. Ever."

Only he did, which was bad because his ability made me want him, too. How many times did he use it to take advantage of me? I certainly wouldn't put it past him. "Did we have sex?"

He nipped at my skin biting and kissing his way along my neck. "All the time. Every second. Thanks to your aversion to decent clothing we can do it now with little effort."

I didn't know if he was still lying, and I was starting not to care. Only I did care. This was wrong. I didn't know him, but I could know him.

Jasper disagreed or agreed. I wasn't sure. He cupped my right breast. "You had a scar right here."

Oh heaven help me. "What else?"

"An appendix scar all the way down here." He grazed his fingers far down my left abdomen. "And if you know your anatomy, you know I'm -"

"Lying," I said through a groan.

The teasing was over. Jasper's mood changed without warning. He punched the ground next to me. "Fuck. Just fuck."

I closed my eyes not knowing if he would hit me next. When nothing happened, I braved a peek at him. He was back to being the wrecked man from earlier. I could see the internal struggle pulling him in ten different directions. It tangled with my own and left us in a frozen state. We were broken when we were together.

The falsehoods continued. It was the only way he could make me listen. "When I thought you died, I didn't sit in front of a mirror staring at your blood in my eyes. When it faded away, I didn't feel like I lost you all over again."

_Stop talking. Please, just stop._

"Are you finally ready for some truth?"

All he gave me was truth, and it was breaking me into pieces. "Please don't."

Years of pent up despair spilled out of him in a violent swell. It caught me in its undertow and pulled me under.

"No matter where you go or how fast you run, Bella, I will always chase you. I'll do it out of a simple hope that someday when I tell you I love you you'll believe me."

* * *

**Author's Note: It's strange having them together again. It's been forever. I just hope it didn't disappoint.  
**

**I'm going out of town this next week. I'll try to have another chapter ready, but I make no promises. **

**As always, thanks for reading. I saw a lot of new names in the reviews this last week. That's always thrilling to see. Thanks for letting me know what you think of the story.**

**- Cris  
**


	28. Chapter 28 The Human Inside

**Conversations with My Killer**  
Chapter 28 - The Human Inside

_The falsehoods continued. It was the only way he could make me listen. "When I thought you died, I didn't sit in front of a mirror staring at your blood in my eyes. When it faded away, I didn't feel like I lost you all over again."_

_Stop talking. Please, just stop._

"_Are you finally ready for some truth?"_

_All he gave me was truth, and it was breaking me into pieces. "Please don't."_

_Years of pent up despair spilled out of him in a violent swell. It caught me in its undertow and pulled me under. _

"_No matter where you go or how fast you run, Bella, I will always chase you. I'll do it out of a simple hope that someday when I tell you I love you you'll believe me."_

* * *

After cutting out his heart and shoving it into my own chest, Jasper moved off of me. His emotional collapse left me too wounded to run and too weak to try. What was the point? Running wouldn't do any good. Killing him wouldn't even solve my problems. As long as I lived, so would he.

One evening was enough to show me our connection was symbiotic and perverse. This man lied to me, manipulated me, and destroyed my life. What was wrong with me that his crimes mattered less by the minute?

Weakness. I lacked spirit and fortitude. Or maybe, I just lacked him. God no. Anything but that.

What I really lacked was common sense and patience. I was far too impulsive for my own good. I needed to take time to organize my thoughts and find a clear path through this mess.

First and foremost, these people were not my friends. They killed my father and wanted to use him to control me. They were power hungry and users of the worst kind.

_But not him. _ Jasper was different. I could feel it in my bones. He loved me, and I must have loved him, too. I didn't know if our relationship played a part in a greater plan or if it was an unexpected complication. I only knew that somewhere along the way it became real.

So where did this leave me? In a hell of a mess. I wanted him back. It was irrational and too damn soon for me to be feeling this way, but waiting this out seemed like a waste of time. We had to have been good together, or he wouldn't be this lost without me. We could find a way to make this work. I was on the verge of telling him just that when his patience ran out.

"If you're trying to decide on the best way of letting me down gently, you can stop. I don't expect you to give me a chance. I only wanted you to know the truth about why I was looking for you and why I can't stop."

Thank you, Mr. Whitlock, for saying something to bring my romantic idiocy to an abrupt halt. Was this love or obsession he felt for me? "You can stop. You just have to decide to do so."

"No, I can't."

This was going to be a problem. We would never have a chance of rebuilding what we lost if he didn't stop with this crap. I wanted a man whose eyes danced with death and mayhem. From what I could tell, Jasper lived for me and me alone. It was too much. I didn't want someone mooning over me or throwing rose petals at my feet. Romantic caricatures were not for me.

Since he didn't want gentle, I went with direct. "I believe you love me, but it doesn't change anything. You may have caught my attention, but I don't think you have what it takes to keep it."

"If you're expecting me to spend decades apologizing and kissing your ass, you can get over that right now. I'll never be nice for the sake of making you feel good. I didn't do it before and I won't do it now."

This tougher side to him made my dark heart stutter, but it didn't matter how pretty his adamantine words were. If they only ran as deep as his scratched surface, they weren't good enough.

"Please continue," I encouraged. "This is fascinating."

"If you stay here, I won't follow you around like some kind of pet. In public, I'll protect you when you need it and ignore you if you don't."

Yeah, sure he would. This was just his way of guarding his heart against further rejection. All it would take was a nudge to put him back on the ground and providing me with a rug to tread on.

I tested him. "You left out the part where being with you doesn't make me special it makes me lucky."

_Go ahead, correct me. Tell me how special I am. The mere sight of me makes your soul sing. While you're at it, gag me with a broken arm, you weak fuck. _

Jasper went an entirely different direction. "You're not special or lucky. You're a pain in my ass."

It was exactly what I wanted to hear, but I wasn't ready to buy in yet. I stood up and nonchalantly dusted the dirt off my legs. "Anything else?"

"I won't spend a century brick hard and abstinent because you won't let me have you. You don't own my dick. If you want exclusive rights, you better be prepared to give me the same."

_Have at it. We'll see how that works for you._ "I hope your Declaration of Dickdependence comes with a national holiday and some fireworks. You look like you could use some."

"All I'm saying is that loving you doesn't change who I am or what I need. If you want me, I'm yours. If not, I have my own life to live. I won't make every minute of it about you."

He was a multi-tasker of the worst kind. Somehow he managed to stand up for the individual and show a willingness to be my little bitch all at the same time. "I liked you better when I thought you were a bad ass, and that's not saying much."

"I liked you better human."

Too bad, so sad. "I guess we're both disappointed."

"I wasn't, but I'm getting there. If you keep showing yourself to be a cheap copy of the woman I mourn, I will be."

Jasper put some heavy steps behind his words when he turned and left. His disciplined march was military grade and touched all the sweet spots necessary for me to salute with bra waving patriotism. There was something about his game of hot and cold that spun me around in the best ways.

I would have to stay now, if only for a little while.

* * *

I returned to the house in much worse condition than when I left. My shirt was torn and my body dirty. A messy meal of deer left dried blood on my chin and neck. Combined with the rat's nest that was my hair, I looked rough and disgusting.

When I climbed through our bedroom window, Jasper was sitting in his rocking chair and pretending to read a book. There were perks to sharing a room with him. He was pretty to look at for one. Sure, the rocking chair gave him an old man vibe, but I could overlook that for now.

Perk two was a dog named Panama. Sometime in the last three years, he managed to dig his non-dead body out of a fictional hole next to my house in Forks and jump onto my bed. I would call it a miracle, but it was more like a slap to the forehead. He was alive. How could he not be?

The dog didn't recognize me. There was no tail wagging or any indication he might welcome my touch. I didn't know what to do with him and looked to Jasper for guidance.

"It's not brain surgery, Bella. Don't pet him too hard or bite him."

I thought Jasper was my biggest concern coming back here. As it turned out, he didn't render me powerless. The dog did. Panama would have me wrapped around his dewclaws if I let him. His disinterest only heightened my need to get to know him. This would be bad.

_Stay strong. He's just a dog._

I came up with an excuse, so I wouldn't have to deal with him. "I'm dirty."

Jasper kept rocking, not reading, and not helping. "Coward."

I was not. No dog could frighten me away, and I would prove it. I was too dirty to sit on the bed. The floor was a better option. I sat down and patted a spot next to me. Panama didn't move until Jasper told him to.

Instead of jumping down, he used steps that were positioned next to the bed for him. He approached slowly before coming to a stop in front of me and sitting down obediently.

I held up a hand and let him sniff me. "Is he always this restrained?"

"He knows to be cautious. Only a select few are allowed to interact with him."

I must not have passed inspection. The animal snorted at me and then went to sit by his master. His rejection was a crushing blow. This sucked.

"He doesn't like me."

Jasper scratched behind Panama's ears. "He doesn't know you because your scent is different. You'll have to win him over."

How funny. I would have to work to win over the dog, and Jasper would have to work to win over me.

"Any suggestions on how I can do that?" I asked.

"I'll trade you hint for hint. How's that for an offer?"

It was mighty tempting. I had a soft spot for dogs. They couldn't lie or cheat like the rest of us. Their loyalty and love were unbreakable promises. With my history, there was nothing I valued more than honesty. Dogs offered that in spades. They didn't know any other way to be.

Jasper knew he had me. "Take a shower. He doesn't like the smell of blood after we kill."

A shower, huh? Easy enough. "I can do that."

I went right for the bathroom but stopped when I heard a command and then a bark. I looked back over my shoulder. "What?"

"You didn't hold up your end of the bargain. Where's my hint?"

It needed to be a good one. Something to show him I understood Panama was _our _dog, not his or mine. Why not just say that?

I tried and failed. "Hours are good."

Jasper didn't know if that was supposed to mean something or not. "Which hours? Morning? Afternoon? Evening, maybe? I like stars."

I banged my right palm against my forehead. "Shit. Shit. Shit."

An unmanly giggle came from his side of the room. I shot him an evil glare. "Shut up. This isn't easy."

Ours. Not hours. This wasn't a clock issue, though I was wound up. Why was I so nervous? More air. A slow inhale. An easy exhale. I was ready. "I like seeing you with _our _dog."

Oh my hell. His smile was a solar flare.

I retreated like a yellow bellied coward. I needed hot water, steam, and anything else that would keep me from him for several very necessary minutes. I couldn't think with this man around. In one evening, he had me in a hundred different knots only his clever fingers could untangle.

The shower was divine. I rinsed and repeated four times. It wasn't that I was buying extra minutes. I simply liked to be thorough, which was why I also made a point of going over every inch of my body a good five times. The water was running cold by the time I finished scrubbing off ten layers of my skin.

It was at this point I realized I had no towels or clothes other than my dirty ones. Why did these things happen to me? It was unfair.

A day ago, I wouldn't have hesitated to parade my naked butt in front of him. All I could think of now was that my waist was thicker than I liked, and venom did nothing to make my left breast the same size as my right. Vampires were supposed to be perfect, but my body missed that memo. The flaws weren't even that noticeable, but he would see them.

I had another head slapping realization. Jasper was an empath and would pick up on my nerves. This was a disaster. He knew just how unsettled I was. His ability sucked.

I tried listening to see what he was up to. I heard pacing and not from the dog. He was even muttering to himself. This did wonders for me. We were both in the same boat and lacking a few good paddles.

I knocked on the door because of course that made perfect sense. "Jasper?"

The eager beaver in charge of his feet had him running over to answer. "Yes."

"Would you please bring me a towel and some clothes?"

I fully expected him to take advantage of my situation, but he did nothing of the sort. "I can do that."

He brought back several different selections for me to choose from. Three towels because he didn't know if I had a new favorite color. There were also two choices of robes and several pajamas of varying styles.

"You were always pickier about what you wore to bed than what you wore outside the house."

"I don't sleep now," I reminded him after taking his offerings.

"Shut it," he snapped.

I couldn't stop smiling as I dried off and dressed in flannel pajamas of all things. I looked like I should be sitting in front of a fireplace and sipping a mug of cocoa. Best of all, the fabric felt really nice on my sensitive skin.

When I stepped out of the bathroom, the old man was back in his rocking chair and doing his best to avoid looking at me. The poor book in his hands was in danger of being pulled in half. I had to hold back a laugh when he raised it slightly.

As I restlessly wandered the room, I could feel his eyes following me. We were acutely aware of each other's presence and broadcasting it loudly. I knocked over the pen holder on the desk and sent a pile of papers flying. Jasper took his frustrations out on his book, which now came in two parts.

"All sequels should be so easy," I joked.

My attempt to lighten the mood failed. I fidgeted with the long sleeves of my shirt and was thankful for the coverage it and my long pants provided. Being around him was turning me shy.

After three pointless laps around the room, I ended up lying down on the bed. Panama must have approved of my cleaner self. He repositioned himself where he was right next to me. When I didn't pet him right away, he nudged my arm.

"You didn't like me a minute ago," I reminded him. "You even snorted on me, which is very rude. Your daddy needs to work on your manners."

This dog had an impressive bitch face. In my head, I imagined him lecturing me on his rules. He shouldn't have to ask to be petted. It was expected. I was in his room. I needed to do his bidding.

I earned his temporary affections by rubbing a spot right behind his damaged ear. He closed his eyes and pressed in closer to me. "See there, boy. I know what you like."

A clean Bella made for a happy Panama.

Our happy moment was interrupted by Jasper. "Pan, bedtime."

The dog grudgingly made his may down the steps. He crossed the room and disappeared through a door I assumed went to the next room. I had never opened it.

I wasn't happy to see him leave. "Why did you do that?"

"I don't like seeing him with you when I don't know how long you'll be around. You already left him once. If you plan on doing it again, you should go before he grows attached to you."

Ordinarily, I would have come back with an accusation that I only left Panama because Jasper killed me. Since all my other assumptions turned out wrong, I went with a question instead. "Did I leave him, or did he lose me because of what happened?"

"You left him in Florida with your mother. It was your choice. My feelings on the matter were not important to you."

His heated response burned me. I stammered out an apology. "I'm sorry. Really, I am."

"You should be. It probably broke her heart when she woke up to find him gone."

He stole a dog from a grieving mother. "You couldn't have found another pet?"

"You'll eventually figure out that some things are irreplaceable. And with that, I'm done for the night. I need time away from you for the same reason as the dog."

Attachments were hell, but it was far too late for him. It was probably too late for me. "Will I see you tomorrow?"

"Yes, but it won't be like this."

"That's too bad. When we're not yelling at each other, I kind of like whatever _this_ is. We need more of it, don't you think?"

Shock replaced his anger, but wariness ruled the day. "I only know what I need. When you figure out what you need, let me know, and we'll see if we can combine the two."

* * *

The next day began in the afternoon. Clothing slowed me down. I couldn't decide what to wear, which was never a problem I experienced before. Shirts were too tight or scratchy. My legs rebelled against the shorts and jeans I found. Nothing fit. Colors were wrong. Nudity was not an option.

When Alice came to check on me, the contents of my closet were spread out over the room. She understood my dilemma perfectly and didn't bother with suggestions. When I was ready for something to be right, it would appear. Clothes were like that.

A casual glance outside proved my point. "I'm a new recruit. I should dress like the others. A tank top and some cargo pants. It's what they wear when they're training, right?"

"Yes."

I dressed. She hung up my clothes and chatted. "How did it go with Jasper?"

"Like you don't know."

"No one knows. Demetri sent us away."

It made sense that he would do that. He wouldn't want his minions hearing his plans for Charlie. They would figure out we were shields, and Demetri needed to protect his resources. We weren't people to him. We were weapons. If someone stole us away, they could use us against the Volturi the same as him.

Alice would know all this, but she shaded it differently. "He's very protective of Jasper, but we told you that already."

Sure. It was all about giving Jasper privacy. No other motives were involved. Whatever. I wasn't stupid. She was in Demetri's pocket, which made her only half a friend to me in the best of circumstances.

She was also a gossip hound. "So what happened? Did you kiss and makeup or try to kill each other?"

I wouldn't talk about him with her or anyone else. "My lips are sealed."

"Fine, I'll just make up my own story. You danced under the stars and promised to stay together forever. It was magic."

She prattled on endlessly. Her version wasn't even close to the up and down night Jasper and I shared. We could give geography lessons on how to be all over the map. We were good, bad, mean, nice, and everything in between. Today would probably bring more of the same.

Alice and I left the house and made our way to one of the training areas. From the looks of it, most of the coven was in attendance. The different cliques were grouped together and observing a male and female who were sparring. When their bout ended, a tag team match began. The atmosphere was relaxed and friendly with people talking amongst themselves or cheering on favorites.

I was lost on the finer details of what I was seeing, but Alice was kind enough to explain. This was more of a game than a training session. Colored fishing line was tied tightly around different body parts. As the line was bit off, points were awarded. Each color was worth something different. When enough points were earned, the match was over.

The neck had the highest value, but most combatants went for appendages. Taking off someone's foot was only worth half as much as taking out their knees. The same held true for arms. A hand was not as valued as an elbow or shoulder because of degree of difficulty. If someone used their fingernails to cut at the line, it was considered a foul.

After watching ten matches, I noticed a trend. "Why isn't anyone going for the throat if it's worth more?"

"We may know it's a game, but if you get your teeth near our necks, we'll bite an ear off."

"So why bother including it at all?"

She nodded her head in the direction of a group of men and women dressed in all black. "They think it's a fun challenge."

In the few days I had been here, this was the first I had seen of this particular group. "And where have you been hiding these beasts?"

"You like?"

I couldn't decide. We were all dangerous, but this crew was something else entirely. Each was marked by at least a dozen scars. The intense way they sized up each competitor was unnerving to me. This was not entertainment to them. It was an opportunity to observe future opponents. They had no allies other than themselves, and when they went toe-to-toe, it would not be anything like the rest of us.

As curious as I was about them, I almost didn't want to see them in action. "Do real fights ever break out?"

"We're fairly civilized. When a dispute does arise, Demetri likes to take full advantage and turn it into an event. Reputations are built and broken on those nights."

It sounded thrilling and potentially dangerous. "Anything else I should know?"

Alice went into a long lecture about coven army basics. The gist of it was that most structured training was handled in small teams led by the more experienced coven members. Felix made decisions on who went where and who learned what.

Few advanced into the more rigorous training. Most lacked the dedication or the pain threshold needed to take their instruction to the next level. Those that did usually ended up as personal guards or were tasked with identifying elite opponents in a battle and eliminating them.

I took a good long look at the group in black. They were obviously the ones she was referring to.

Her speech came to an abrupt stop. "Let's go for a run."

Good idea. A run was way more fun than checking out the warrior clan. "Okay."

She sprang into a run and sang out a challenge that spurred me into action. We weaved in and out of trees as we raced over the land. We didn't stop until we reached the river. She paused to kick off her shoes while I waded right out into the water. There were benefits to not wearing shoes.

The cool water made my feet sing. Summer made for the best days. The sun heated the blue sky and sprinkled our skin with diamond dust. This ranch was ideal for our kind. We could run and swim without fear of being seen by humans. Living here wasn't just an existence. We could have a real life.

I sat on a rock and rested my feet in the water. "So what did you bring me out here for?"

"We need to talk."

Ugh. "If this is about Jasper -"

"Zip it, sister. This is about the men you were undressing with your eyes."

I had barely looked, but I teased her all the same. "I kind of want one. Nothing major. Fifteen minutes ten times a day should do me just fine. I can get a doctor's note if that helps."

Alice kicked water at me. "This is serious."

"I don't see why."

"Has anyone explained how relationships work for us?"

Nope, and I didn't want them to. "I don't care how it works for you or anyone else. I only care how it works for me."

"Which is what?"

Hells bells, could she not let up? I wasn't looking to be with anyone. "I don't know how it works for me, but I'm not going to let you tell me how it should."

"But Jasper -"

"Is a grown ass man," I snapped without thinking. "It's insulting for you to take on the role of his advocate. If you know what's good for you, you'll keep his name out of your mouth and his business out of your thoughts. Are we clear?"

Owl eyes tripled in size. The girl looked more like a woodland creature than a woman.

The doe act made my fists flame from barely contained violence. No one should speak of him. "Blink your eyes or nod your head. Do something to show me you're not as deaf as you are nosy."

"We're clear. Jasper doesn't need me. I can see that now."

She damn well better. Her position in this coven left her on very thin ice with me. It wouldn't take much for us to go from half friends to full blown enemies.

* * *

The sparring games were still in full swing when Alice and I returned. Three elephants could have been fighting for all I cared. Jasper was here, and like the night before, little else mattered. He stood at the center of the crew Alice pointed out earlier. To his right was Panama who sat with the regal bearing of a king. Like his master, he watched the sparring with keen interest.

Someone came up to my side. Demetri's smarmy self demanded my attention. "Come back to the house with me. We can begin our first session."

"Not gonna happen."

Who was Jasper watching so intently? I followed his gaze into the center square. One woman circled another. Colored line littered the ground at their feet. The short blond needed only one more point to win. Her opponent, a tall woman with shoulder length cherry red hair, was standing still. Her defeated posture gave me the impression she was tired of the game and ready to surrender to defeat.

It was a ruse. When the blond swooped in and went for a knee, the taller woman caught an arm and twisted it at an unnatural angle. Without missing a beat, she bit through all three lines on the right arm. It was enough to give her the win.

The redhead disregarded her opponent's attempt to offer congratulations and instead stalked through the crowd to stand before Jasper. He shook his head and waved her away. The approval she was seeking was not earned. Her shoulders fell slightly, but her disappointment was short-lived. She moved to stand next to Panama and proceeded to act as if nothing happened.

Demetri continued to insist I accompany him to the house. His demands were less important than my curiosity. Red Sonja was making eyes at Jasper. She smiled when he appeared to appreciate a move from one of the fighter's he was observing. When he said something to the man on his left, she chimed in with a comment of her own.

She was that student at the front of class who was the first to raise her hand and the last to leave at the end of the day. She probably volunteered to clean erasers and iron his shirts. She was certainly interested enough in the speck of dirt she picked off his sleeve.

Who was she to stand that close to him and my dog? She wasn't wearing black. She should be with the rest of us scrubs down on the grass. Talking to him. Touching him. Both were unacceptable, but one particular move was unforgivable.

She dared to pet my dog. I wanted him to send her a side-eye of doggy disdain. A smart animal would recognize her for the disingenuous, warrior tart that she was. Mine didn't. He licked her hand and wagged his tail.

It only got worse from there when Jasper casually reached down and rested his hand over hers. I did not approve of the familiarity that existed between them. Her triumphant grin should be doused with venom and shoved into a pit of hot coals.

How many times had the teacher's pet offered to bang more than his erasers? How many times had he said yes?

Liar. Cheater. Traitor.

Jealousy raged. Even if they hadn't done anything, touching hands was a gateway drug. If he accepted her touch, he would listen to her thoughts. Talking would turn into more touching. There was no risk with her. She would stay where I might leave. For a broken man, she was a safe and easy rebound.

All of this added up to an unacceptable realization. Jasper had options, and I didn't like it one damn bit.

_Be calm. You don't own him. _

Another tug at my shirt. "Now, Bella."

Demetri would not get off my back. The need to block Jasper and his pet from my thoughts pushed me to grant him an audience. Alice was left behind with a look of supreme annoyance on her face. She would have followed if he hadn't made it abundantly clear he wanted me alone.

"I'm not letting you in my head," I informed him after we returned to the house and stepped into his study.

"I will accept that – for now." He took a seat at his desk and reclined back in his chair. "You don't like me much, do you?"

I thought we established that early on. "Nope."

"I'll have to settle for being pleased with the progress between you and Jasper. His report this morning was encouraging."

This pissed me off more than the girl. Our progress would suffer a serious setback if Jasper reported anything about us to Demetri. If I could keep quiet, he could too. Hell, I would rather him hold hands with strange women than talk about us.

"What is going through that mind of yours?" Demetri pondered. "You've been quiet since the moment you saw Jasper with his friend. Jealousy is the easy guess, but I hope you're not as predictable as that."

I was exactly that predictable, but it wasn't my biggest concern at the moment. "She's nothing."

"Use your head for once. Long weeks of uninterrupted training have a way of making nothing into something, and just so you know, it already has with them."

Was the snake trying to upset me? Applying fertilizer to my doubts was not in his best interests. "Are we done yet? Threaten me or pull a rabbit out of your hat. Do something besides fill my head with crap."

Red eyes darkened to black. "As much as it pains me to say this, I can see why he likes you. It's a shame he found you first."

"Jasper didn't find me. Edward did."

"We're both wrong. Alice found you. She shared you with Jasper, and he gave you to Edward. You sound like a well-used toy at a daycare."

Demetri took great pleasure in using my ignorance against me. I had no idea what he was talking about, but his comparison hurt all the same.

He wasn't finished. "Do you know what happens to those toys? Few can be adapted beyond their original purpose, and for those that can't, their ultimate fate is always the same. Broken. Discarded. Forgotten."

He was growing increasingly agitated by my lack of respect for him, but I ignored the signals. "How sad for me. I'll be sure to cry in my toy box later."

I knew he wasn't trying to injure my feelings. It was a warning. My shield would only take me so far. Once Alec and Jane were eliminated, I was expendable. Jasper would offer protection, but my pride balked at the idea of relying on him.

As usual, I was focused a mile ahead instead of recognizing the danger right in front of me. My thoughts drifted, pulling me out of the moment and giving my enemy the opening he craved.

Demetri moved without warning. He appeared behind me and spun me around to face him. The swift change in direction jarred my senses, but it was the feral gleam in his eyes that paralyzed me. I pushed him too far once too often.

His viper's voice assaulted my ears in a raw whisper. "I love those rare moments when a vampire recognizes their life is under threat. Eyes darken with fear, and we freeze like prey. Our venom retreats and reveals the human inside."

My lungs reached for air that wouldn't come as razor-sharp fingernails cut thin lines across my throat.

"Do you know why people always give me what I want?"

I shook my head.

"I find their weaknesses and exploit them. Your particular flaw is one of my favorites." He paused to dab the venom on his fingertips over his lips. "You taste like him only sweeter. It's nice."

When I tried pulling away, he laughed. "Calm yourself, Bella. I won't take a bite just yet."

Demetri should never be allowed to rule anything much less an army of vampires. His first move after attaining power would be to rid the world of those who challenged him. My rebellious nature would put me high on the list.

His actions today proved he feared no reprisals from Jasper. He could and would do what he wanted with me. If I didn't put my hostility in check and find a way to protect myself, the only reward he would hand me was death.

I swallowed my fear and forced myself to speak. "You've given me a lot to think about."

"What are your immediate conclusions? A quick mind like yours must have some already."

I did, but I wouldn't make it out of this room if I told him what they were. I went with something I knew he wanted to hear. "Jasper is the key to my survival. If I keep him happy, you'll be happy."

Demetri smoothed my hair in a fatherly gesture. "I'm so glad to see you're finally coming around."

* * *

**Author's Note: I had hell with one part of this chapter. It's so frustrating when something gets caught in my brain and doesn't want to make its way to my fingers. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. The next one was much easier to write. It will post next week.  
**

**Thanks again for reading and sticking with the story.  
**

**- Cris  
**


	29. Chapter 29 Stay and Conquer

**Conversations with My Killer**  
Chapter 29 - Stay and Conquer

_Demetri should never be allowed to rule anything much less an army of vampires. His first move after attaining power would be to rid the world of those who challenged him. My rebellious nature would put me high on the list._

_His actions today proved he feared no reprisals from Jasper. He could and would do what he wanted with me. If I didn't put my hostility in check and find a way to protect myself, the only reward he would hand me was death._

_I swallowed my fear and forced myself to speak. "You've given me a lot to think about."_

_"What are your immediate conclusions? A quick mind like yours must have some already."_

_I did, but I wouldn't make it out of this room if I told him what they were. I went with something I knew he wanted to hear. "Jasper is the key to my survival. If I keep him happy, you'll be happy."_

_Demetri smoothed my hair in a fatherly gesture. "I'm so glad to see you're finally coming around."_

* * *

I left Demetri's study in a daze. My body moved, but my head was in its own world. The makings of a plan were finally coming together and took attention away from my movements.

He made a huge misstep with me. Fear didn't turn me into an obedient follower. It pissed me off for allowing myself to be cowed. I was better than that, and when the opportune moment arrived, I would show him. I just needed to figure out how.

My meeting with him brought on the acceptance of a simple idea. I could run and escape, but it was far better to stay and conquer. This coven was his, but it didn't have to stay that way. Until he was eliminated as a threat, I would always be looking over my shoulder, and that just wasn't good for my neck.

The vampires here already showed a desire to be lead in a different direction when I urged them to abandon their usual clothes. The new recruits still wore a uniform of sorts, but that actually made sense. The more established members should be allowed to express their individuality, and they appreciated it when I encouraged them to do so.

If I could earn their respect, it would put me in a far better position. I would have to play at being the loyal follower while I did this, but if it got me where I needed to be, it was worth a little acting. Survival came first, and playing possum would buy me some time to train my body and my mind.

I found myself back at the training games. Not for the first time, I wondered what it was that drew the coven together for this activity. Until today, everyone had lounged around the courtyard or in one of the other buildings. No one sparred or trained at anything. What happened in the last several hours that motivated them to get moving?

My eyes landed on Jasper. Was it because of him? I noticed he was still with the group of men and women dressed in all black. They had to be his guard. It would explain why I hadn't seen them before today.

From the looks of it, his special friend was not an official member, but she wanted to be. I noticed she was still close at hand but had moved several feet over from where she stood earlier. Unlike the others, who watched the sparring, she watched Jasper. Her glow had been turned down a dozen notches. She looked downright depressed.

I passed through the spectators spread out over the grass. A man I had seen but not spoken with shouted out an invitation for me to join his group. Alice was waving at me from across the clearing, but I opted to join the man and his friends. My plan had to start somewhere. It might as well be here.

I knew of this group, but I had yet to spend any time with them. Riley, Lily and Orin were new recruits brought in by Alice six months ago. She found them in Tacoma when she made a trip through Washington. They came across as a very tight-knit trio.

Riley was the most outgoing of the three and acted as their spokesperson. Lily was a butterfly of a girl with an almost whimsical quality about her. Orin was the quiet one. He preferred listening over speaking.

After I sat down and we made nice for a few minutes, I learned why they called me over.

Riley leaned in close to me and spoke in a thin whisper barely loud enough to be heard. "We recognize you from a poster we saw outside a grocery store. You're Isabella Swan, Charlie's daughter. No one else knows that."

"Why wouldn't they?"

"We don't use last names," Lily answered.

I hadn't thought of that. "I guess we don't. So is this a secret or something?"

They all shrugged. "It must be," Riley theorized. "No one mentions it."

If this was an attempt to pull information out of me, it failed. "I don't know anything about that. I haven't seen Charlie in three years."

They must have gathered it was a touchy subject because Riley quickly moved us on to something more mundane. A common question among our kind was who turned us. It was a status thing. Few of the vampires here were actually turned by Demetri or one of the other major players. The task was almost always delegated.

I think the reason was the risk of failure that came with each rebirth. Success was not measured just by the victim surviving. There were other considerations. Did they awaken with a special ability? Were they elite instead of average? Were they an embarrassment?

Test dummies were used to perfect technique, but they were rarely allowed to live beyond their first day. The best of our kind would only take chances on those they felt would enhance their reputations. In a vampire community like this one, reputation was as valued as blood. Any sign of weakness was picked over and analyzed for how it could be used against us. Everything mattered.

When the question of my origins was put to me, I always kept it simple just as I did now. "Met a vampire. He liked me. He killed me. His identity isn't important."

I glanced at the man who did the deed. I hadn't had Jasper's attention earlier, but I sure had it now. He crooked a finger at me to come over to him. Fat chance. If he wanted me, he could walk his redhead loving ass over here. Jerk.

My new acquaintances didn't notice. Riley and Lily talked, but I barely listened. Warrior bitch with the bad hair and the poor sportsmanship was making her way back over to where she didn't belong. She skirted around Panama and tiptoed up to say something in Jasper's ear.

"What did you do to get dragged down here like a prisoner?" Lily asked. "Everyone is dying to know, but no one has the guts to ask."

I made up something off the fly. "I killed a friend of Jasper's by accident. I – uh – pushed her into a fire. Don't drink winos or drug addicts. Bad shit happens."

A low growl began in the back of my throat. Why was that bitch's hand on his chest? Why wasn't he removing it? If he didn't, I would. From his chest. Her arm. This world.

I wasn't going to be forced into being with him, but I also wasn't going to sit around and watch this chick rub her stink on him. His dick declaration was about to meet its first sign of resistance. I was on my feet and aiming straight at them within the span of a breath. Jasper said something to the man behind him, who swiftly picked Panama up and moved him to a safe distance.

I didn't spar much. There was no technique or finesse to my moves. I was a brawler. Red Sonja had just enough time to turn in my direction before I punched her in the chest. It was a right tit shot. As I said, I lacked finesse.

The hit knocked her into the men behind her. To my disappointment, they grabbed her arms and prevented her from coming back at me. She screamed some bullshit about killing me. I ignored her. Jasper was the one I wanted.

His smile had some snark to it. "Bad day?"

The worst. "I don't share."

He swept his arms out wide. "Share what exactly? Nothing here belongs to you."

That didn't seem to matter right now. "You know what."

Gossip filled whispers sprang up from the crowd that now surrounded us. He shushed them with a hiss before looking back at me. "I only know you attacked one of my trainees. Explain yourself."

This should not have happened out in the open. I had again allowed fury to supplant reason, which wasn't exactly surprising. I was still a young vampire, and control was not among my best assets. "You know I can't talk about this here."

"You made it public. Explain yourself or apologize."

Our relationship – if I could even call it that – was not something I would shout to the world, and an apology went against my very nature. I would rather choke on a deer than express regret over hitting that woman.

Had it not been for my conversation with Demetri, I might not have been so pigheaded, but I was determined to prove to myself that I was unbreakable. It was easier against Jasper than anyone else. That alone should have told me everything I needed to know, but it didn't.

He kept pushing. "Explain or apologize. I've waited long enough."

I looked over at the girl. She had stopped her screeching and was waiting for me to get on my knees and kiss her ass. I couldn't do that and build the reputation I needed for my plans. The entire coven was watching. None of them would take me seriously if I backed down against her or Jasper.

I put myself in an impossible position. I couldn't make me look good without making him look bad. Like the typical vampire I was, my own needs came first.

Not all apologies were necessarily bad. I picked door number two and smiled at the redhead. "I'm sorry I punched you. I should have taken you apart and shoved you up his ass. His head needs the company."

I turned innocent eyes on Jasper. "Was that good enough? It was certainly sincere."

He gripped onto my upper arms and lifted me off the ground. "Our previous association does not guarantee your safety."

– "_Long weeks of uninterrupted training have a way of making nothing into something, and just between you and me, it already has with them."_

Lying, cheating bastard. "Nor does it guarantee our affections."

_I will never want you. _

The sting of rejection burned in his eyes, and his jaw clenched tight enough to break his teeth. He dropped me to my feet and shouted in my face. "Leave."

Whispers again filled the air. Everyone had a theory about our history and voiced it seemingly at once. Who was I to him? When had we met? Why didn't he put me in my place? Why didn't he kill me for stepping beyond it? Did I have an ability that made me untouchable? Had he finally found someone he couldn't win against? Was he afraid of me?

I glanced around at the crowd of people to our sides and behind me. Jasper would hate this as much as I did. I was instantly sorry for having put my own plans above his feelings and stature in the coven.

I reached out a hand in apology. "Jasper."

He held his arms up and stepped back. "Leave. Now."

Had one of his men not physically taken my shoulders to turn me around, I would not have moved at all. He pushed me away with enough force to cause me to stumble. I quickly caught my balance and put one foot in front of the other.

I glanced back once only to see Jasper's back retreating in the opposite direction from me. Several people openly laughed at him. Others were staring at me with admiration I didn't deserve or earn fairly. A nod here. A pat on the back there. Victory – if that was what this was – felt hollow.

Once I cleared the crowd, I ran my heart out trying to put distance between myself and the noise. In short order, the sound of light steps came from behind me. A quick look back told me it was Alice. She didn't try to catch up to me. I think she knew escape wasn't my goal. I only wanted space.

I came to a stop on my own and fell to my knees. I punched at the hard dirt and screamed at the dust billowing around me. I came here with nothing, and now I possessed even less. No family. No friends. No freedom. No Jasper. He would hate me for what I just did. You shouldn't be able to miss something you couldn't remember, but I ached at the loss of him.

When I stopped throwing my fit, Alice approached. She draped an arm over my trembling shoulders and offered her support. I tried shrugging her off, but she didn't budge.

"Calm yourself, and think about this rationally. You exchanged a few heated words. They are not enough to warrant this reaction."

She was right, but it didn't slow the tremors wracking my body. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"It's Jasper. You must learn to guard yourself against his ability. It amplifies the best and worst in his target. It'll be even more pronounced with you."

Did this mean the feelings I had were a lie? Had his love for me filled my body and tricked my mind? If so, the only loss was on his end. I could accept that far easier than the growing need for him building within me.

Denial was a cozy room with a fire. I returned to warming my hands in its welcoming glow. Jasper was nothing to me. I didn't like him, and I would never want him. His emotions ran amok and caused havoc. They didn't represent mine in the least. My plans were centered squarely on taking over this coven and killing its leader, something Alice could not be allowed to know.

"Is he in the same shape I am?" I asked.

The question contrasted with my own desire to push him as far from my thoughts as possible, but I knew that letting her believe he was my only concern was critical. There might have been a smidgen of genuine interest. Nothing really. Barely more than a sliver.

"Anger is his go to reaction. My visions say he wants to kill you. Felix is trying to convince him he'll regret it."

Big damn deal. It wouldn't last. "He'll change his mind."

"You made him appear weak in front of the entire coven. Respect is not something easily gained."

The smidgen grew to the size of a watermelon. Jasper started this mess today. "He was trying to make me jealous. It's his fault it blew up in his face."

She rubbed her temples. "You two are going to drive us insane for weeks. Why can't you skip all this and get to the love? You know you want to."

Alice just said my feelings were not real. The girl needed to make up her mind. She was as bad as I was. "I don't want him."

"If you didn't, you wouldn't stay. We all know Charlie isn't reason enough to keep you here."

My stomach lurched violently for the millionth time today. A sickness worked its way into my venom making me feel woozy. I hung my head trying to get it to clear.

She pushed my hair back from my face and tilted my chin up. "Are you okay?"

"Vampires don't get sick, do they?"

"No, you're doing this to yourself. You're afraid to love."

I didn't love him. We had unresolved feelings for one another, and a connection we couldn't ignore. Neither was love. More than anything, I wanted to beat him over the head with a mountain.

Alice stayed with the fantasy. "Love fixes everything. The coven will understand why you acted crazy today and why he didn't take your head off."

She continued spouting off the benefits of being with Jasper while I grew increasingly ill. According to her, it was critical to acknowledge a relationship as soon as possible to help him save face. There were other more romantic reasons, but I barely listened.

I was too busy putting the pieces together in a slightly different way. Acknowledging a relationship would give me a foothold with the other vampires and buy me time to implement my plan. It would also smooth my transition to a position of power and show Demetri I was invested in the coven.

The only problem with it was me. I would not take advantage of Jasper's feelings like that. I couldn't. "I don't love him."

"You're just saying that because of the -"

"Please stop talking. I know you mean well, but you have me all wrong. I'm here for my own reasons, and Jasper is not among them."

* * *

Time stopped when Jasper reentered my life. Twenty-four hours seemed to stretch into a month of misery. Once that first day was over, hours flew by at record speed. I hadn't returned to the main house in the seven days since my outburst at the training field. It was Jasper's domain, and I did not belong there. Even my belongings had his touch marking them. They were his, the journals included. I wanted nothing to do with any of it.

In direct contrast to the problems between the two of us, my social life was blooming. I made an effort to get to know all of the less prominent members of the coven and had made several friends. Orin, Lily, and Riley were the ones I spent the most time with. One of the reasons I liked them so much was they never asked me about the gossip. I was even assigned to train with them. Alice and Felix served as our mentors.

When I wasn't with one of those five, a dozen vampires would flock to my side. Many had spent their entire vampire life inside the compound and would beg for details about the life of a nomad. The extent of their contact with the real world came from when they hunted. This was always supervised.

My stories always included a message about the loneliness that came with being on your own. You didn't have someone to dance with or chase. A good kill never tasted as sweet as one you could share. They were lucky to have the family Demetri provided for them.

I was careful to thread that opinion or something similar through every relevant conversation. Demetri would not catch me encouraging anyone to go rogue. I tried showing I was an asset to him, but only because it improved my position and kept me alive.

Helping with that were the babysitters I had close at hand at all times. Three members of Jasper's group were never more than fifty yards away. Their presence added to the rumors. Was he protecting me or trying to keep me from escaping? My money was on protection. There was a supremely pissed redhead who wanted me dead. Sasha was her name, and it was highly likely that killing me was her game.

My suspicions about Jasper's group being his guard where now confirmed. I learned from Alice that they accompanied him every time he left the compound. Apparently, years of serving as Demetri's executioner had earned Jasper a long list of enemies. When he disappeared four months ago, his guard naturally went with him. The most popular theory was that they were searching for me. No one thought it was a coincidence that Jasper returned home just days after my arrival.

Predictably, no progress had been made between us. We were stubborn and deaf to all reason. Alice urged me to spend just five minutes with him. I was certain Felix made the same pleas to Jasper. Neither was successful. We were locked in a battle of wills. I no longer wished to apologize for losing my temper, and he probably thought he did nothing wrong.

This didn't stop him from hounding me. He just did it in a quiet way. Not an hour passed without him checking on me. As soon as he drew close, a rush of awareness would run through me with the cold touch of ghostly fingers. I would look up to find his eyes pinning me in place. They held both a threat and a promise.

Mine no doubt reflected the same. I wanted to crush him beneath me and make him regret every lie he told and every manipulation he used against the vulnerable, naive girl I had been. I was punishing him for everything he did before and after my death.

If not for him, I wouldn't be exposed to Demetri's attentions on a daily basis. Every morning, he would search me out and ask for access to my mind. I turned down each request.

As punishment, he informed me that Charlie and Emmett would not be allowed to come home until I cooperated. I also would not be permitted to see Rosalie or Edward, who were at an undisclosed location on the ranch. I laughed at that one. Those two were the last people on my mind these days.

* * *

Tonight offered another chance for the entire coven to witness a potential scene between Jasper and me. Everyone was itching for another confrontation. A meeting had been called, and for the first time, we would be using Alice's newly finished rock seating project. She had reeled in enough help to get it finished in record time.

After a slight design change, it ended up looking like a small sunken stadium. Rocks of varying dimensions made up the steps and seating, with the ground dug out to provide a foundation. Six arcs mirrored each other and were progressively higher in elevation from the inside to the outside layers.

A fire pit was built in the very middle and would be used for executions, which I thought was just delightful. Demetri and his cronies had places to sit at one end that would allow everyone to see them. My friends and I sat in the lowest section closest to the fire with the rest of the recruits. The outer, higher layers were for those with seniority.

The vampires in this coven believed they were a valued part of the Volturi's network, which they were – for now. They were specially selected for their skills and loyalty. It would be more accurate to say they were recruited for their skills but kept because they were easily led or intimidated. Fear and awe were a dangerous combination.

Tonight's meeting didn't last long, but I found it enlightening. Demetri spoke like a loyal Volturi follower. According to him, word had come down from Aro that we were expected to double our training hours. A potential threat was discovered, and we needed to be prepared to fight if necessary.

My eyes twitched with the need to roll. He was such a liar. If the Volturi uncovered a threat, they would eliminate it immediately. It was the reason Demetri was staying his hand until he knew we were absolutely ready. Then and only then would he begin poisoning the well. He would say Aro pushed us too hard, and we needed to fight for our independence or some other propaganda. Yawn.

After the meeting ended, those of us near the bottom stayed. We were planning a party for later this week. It was in celebration of some ceremony. Two from our group were going to go off on their own for a day, do some weird chant, and then be stuck together forever. The exact details weren't explained to me, but I got the impression it was complicated.

They said it was a mating thing and left it at that. I preferred the shorter term _mate _much better. To me, mating was what cats did to end up with kittens. It wasn't a relationship. It was an activity.

Our happy gathering was interrupted by Jasper. He called down to us from three rows up. "Leave."

It was his favorite word, probably because it was so effective. We all cleared out like good soldiers. I was somewhere in the middle.

When I passed Jasper, he tugged me out of line. "Not you."

My friends shot me worried looks. I waved off their concern and tried to make it appear that this wasn't a big deal. While everyone else filed out, I went back down to where I sat during the meeting. It was my spot. I liked my spot.

The heavy thud of boots hitting the rock steps made my insides throb. Was Jasper a friend or foe tonight? He probably didn't know either. "If you're here to argue, you can leave. I don't want a fight with you."

"You want a fight every night. If you didn't, you wouldn't be so damn annoying."

How had we ever managed to get along? "I try to be nice, and you just pick and pick at me. We both screwed up last week. I don't think a series of lectures is required for us to figure out how to adjust our behavior."

"You mean ignore what happened."

Would that be so terrible? I couldn't speak for him, but I for one needed a good night. Arguing would not get me there. "How did we make this work before? It had to be better than what we're doing now."

"You frustrated me endlessly. Wouldn't listen. Put too little importance on your life. Made promises you couldn't keep. Had expectations no one could live up to. I loved and hated every second of it."

"I bet if I remembered our life I would be able to say the same exact things about you."

Jasper circled around to the front of me and sat down at my feet. "Probably. We weren't like most couples."

"That should have been our first clue that this wouldn't work."

"Maybe, but I don't regret any of it. I'd still do it all the same."

I sure as hell wouldn't. I didn't know what I did, but it was obviously wrong. "You don't make any sense."

"Yeah, I do. Because as bad as this is, you're still here. Jealous, bitchy Bella is better than no Bella at all."

I only knew how this felt to me. "How bad is it for you?"

He took a hold of my legs and pulled me off my rock. Before I could even think to stop my fall, he caught me by my hips and lowered me to the ground. The physical contact shook us both up. Weighted breaths burned my lungs and expanded my chest in a heavy rhythm. He wasn't any better.

We had been doing fine but were now stricken by a tense silence. I licked at my dry lips and searched for words in an empty mind. Jasper watched my hunt with the intensity of a hawk. One of his hands snaked up my body and made its way up to my mouth. I turned my face into his touch and had to hold back a moan. His thumb rubbed at my flesh as if he was pressing me to grant him permission.

_Ohh. This is bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. _I shook my head. I would not give in. I was certain of it.

His hand trailed back down until it rested on my neck in a gentle hold. It contrasted sharply with the daggers his eyes used to pierce my throat. "For three years, all I wanted was to show you how much I love you, but now that I have you, I want to squeeze your throat until I feel your blood, your breath, and your life like I could before."

His voice lulled me into a dreamy fog. My certainty from a moment ago drifted away. I would let him strangle me if it gave him what he wanted. His emotions were a potent poison blackening the air around us. I didn't know where his frustrations and desires ended and mine began.

"I thought having you gone was painful. This is fucking worse. I'm dying every second, and it's your fault. I almost hate you for exceeding my expectations. If you hadn't, this would be easier."

Jasper had no one to blame but himself. I was his creation. No part of me had escaped his touch. No thought lacked his silent input. I was an extension of him.

A raspy acknowledgment came from my parted lips. "My body provided the blue print, but your venom built me."

"Branded within and without. That makes you mine, right?"

I shook my head slowly, as if my body fought against denying him. He let loose a frustrated growl before releasing my neck and slamming his fist into the ground.

We were so alike. It was a welcome realization. Being like him wouldn't be so bad. It was putting up with him that was difficult.

"I do that, too. What is it about hitting earth that makes everything feel so much better?"

"It gives. We don't."

Not true. "I can give."

Jasper's body went still. His eyes roamed down to my chest where he tracked my every breath. "And what would you give me?"

If he kept talking in that shiver inducing voice, I'd give him anything he asked for. _Down girl_. "Not as much as you want."

"At this point, I'll take what I can get."

He hadn't given me a reason to be generous. "I don't think we're at a place where we can't give each other much."

"What if I tell you I defended you to Demetri?"

That would certainly help. "Tell me more."

Jasper played with the fabric of my shirt, pulling on it anxiously. "He was complaining because you refuse to work with him. He wants me to convince you to let him in your head."

_Please don't ask me. I might say yes and then lose all respect for myself. _"What did you say?"

"I told him to respect your wishes and that you are not to be alone in his company again. I don't trust him when it comes to you."

That couldn't have gone over well. "How angry did that make him?"

Red velvet eyes locked tight to mine. "He accused me of losing sight of our goals. I reminded him I only have one."

The sun rose in my chest and made me feel good for the first time in days. It didn't matter what he had done or would do. For this one brief moment, he made me feel warm, happy, and safe.

Was it a crime to want to say thank you? Should I allow pretty words to weaken my resolve? Yes and no were easy answers, but nothing with us was ever simple. Even a kiss was complicated. It would be too much and too little.

It could also be completely worth it. We had to get one thing straight first. "Have you slept with that girl?"

"No. I haven't touched anyone. I swear."

I was probably too easy on him, but his denial was enough for now. I wanted to keep that good feeling he gave me a moment ago and expand on it. If we were to ever figure this out, we would both have to take a few steps. This was mine.

I rose up on my knees and clenched his shirt into a tight fist. "Just don't move. Let me do this."

"Do what?"

I touched my lips to his jawline and whispered against his skin. "I haven't decided."

The muscles in his neck tightened into hard cords. I lifted my other hand and brushed my fingertips over the taut flesh. "Relax. You're making me nervous."

Jasper swallowed making my hand rise and fall with the movement. "It's different. You were fragile. I had to hold back."

He didn't now, but he would try. I pressed in closer and breathed in deep. His scent filled the air with a heavy musk that complemented the sweeter tones of my own.

As I leaned in, his black eyes closed in anticipation. "Please, Bella."

I teased him with my breath, making him groan. "Please what?"

"Kiss me."

My lips brushed tentatively against his for only a brief second. He moved his hands to the back of my head, encouraging me but not demanding. I rewarded his gentle patience by giving him the firmer pressure he craved. His lips were warm and full beneath mine. When they parted with a moan, I pressed in with more confidence.

Jasper took that as a sign that his participation was welcome and wanted. His tongue glided over my lips to slide against my own. It was a slow, sweet question I answered by pushing my body fully against his. My submission lit the flame in a man wanting to burn.

By measures, he deepened our kiss and increased the pressure. His taste was a male spice unique to him. I wanted to breathe him in and drink his heat. The man was intoxicating to all my senses, from his cool, possessive touch to the way his raw groans rattled my ears.

I was boneless and limp when his hands massaged down my back. His body guided me backwards until I was lying beneath him. He broke free long enough to pull his shirt over his head and toss it aside. Hands found mine, encouraging me to explore him. I saw to that task with vigorous dedication.

My eagerness fed his and vice versa. It wasn't until I heard fabric rip that I froze. "You tore my shirt," I mumbled against his mouth.

Any further protest I might have made was cut off by his mouth possessing mine again. He slowed but didn't cease. Kisses became softer and more leisurely. Eager hands were forced to be patient while he rekindled the fire I lost.

I could have asked him to stop, but it was just too damn hard to deny him. Not helping was how sinfully good his weight felt over my body. With him covering me, I was safe from the world. No one could touch me, save him.

Jasper was the one to stop us. We were moving along beautifully until he abruptly rolled away from me. "We need to stop."

I wasn't so sure about that. "Why?"

"Because you don't really want this. I do."

This meant I did, too. When my emotions became my own again, I would know that anything more than what we did was too much and not what I wanted. Jasper knew the power he held over me and didn't take advantage. Well, not too much.

I clasped the torn fabric of my shirt together against my breasts and sat up. Kissing was a revelation. I was in a flustered daze with out of focus eyes and a fluttering in my belly. We could have been here for hours or minutes. I was too giddy with love and life to care which it was.

We should do this again. "That was fun."

"Too fun. My dick wants me dead." He didn't appreciate the giggles that caused. "Stop making that noise."

I pulled my knees up to my chest and chewed on a thumbnail. The giggles didn't stop. Jasper was panting like he actually needed air. Those pretty lips of his were swollen and lovelier than before. He was still too much for me. I wanted to grab him up and never let him go.

My childish laughter was a defense mechanism. If I did that instead of talking, I would ruin this night by saying something stupid. We managed to get along for longer than five minutes, but it didn't fix anything. Even knowing that, I still felt like we should crack open an old person and toast to our health. This was fabulous.

I even managed to fight off the lingering doubts that wanted to shadow all the good. I could allow myself an hour to enjoy him. It wouldn't be the end of the world.

Jasper was braver than me. He broke the silence I hid behind. "You misinterpreted what you saw with that woman."

If possible, I now felt even better. "Explain."

"When I covered her hand, I was telling her to never touch Panama again. Other than that, I ignored her attempts at gaining my attention just as I do every other woman who approaches me. They all seek a reaction. When they are not rewarded with one, they move on. It means nothing."

I could read body language, and hers was pretty clear. "She wants you."

"She wants status. I am a means to an end. That is all."

If that was all she wanted from him, she was an idiot. "Does everyone here have an agenda?"

"No, but for those of us who do, our every action is about positioning ourselves in a way that helps us achieve our goals. She wants a powerful mate. I want to acquire and protect what I value most. Alice wants to build a new family. Demetri wants to step outside the shadow of the Volturi."

And I wanted to eliminate threats to my life and freedom. "What would you say if I told you that what I want is in direct opposition to the goals of another?"

"Fight hard, cheat smart, and show no mercy."

Jasper didn't ask what my plans were or offer his assistance. It wasn't at all what I expected from him. In fact, he moved us along to an entirely different topic.

He reached over and picked up his shirt. After dusting it off, he tossed it to me. "If you wear this, it sends a message that we were intimate tonight and I plan on continuing to use you for that purpose. Until I can call you my mate, I will not acknowledge you, which may lead to gossip you find hurtful."

I understood perfectly. "How you behave around others is not a reflection of who you are. You're playing a role, just like the rest of us."

"Exactly. You may not like it, but it is what it is. I didn't enjoy it when you made me look like an ass, but I accepted it."

He looked more like a wuss than an ass. "I won't do that again, and I'm really sorry about how I handled that situation. I didn't understand."

Jasper acknowledged my apology with a grunt. He was such a caveman at times.

What was I going to do with this shirt? I didn't have to wear it. I could ask him to retrieve one from our closet and bring it back for me. The fact that he didn't offer told me he really wanted me to wear his. Since I wasn't staying in his room, he felt the need to stake a claim in a different way.

After my jealous fit, I could understand that. I even felt the same way. There was also the added benefit of being able to use this night to my advantage. Demetri would get off my back. Alice would stop badgering me about Jasper. It was an easy solution to some nagging problems.

I slipped his shirt on and smoothed the fabric down around me. "We need to get a few things straight."

"Go ahead."

"We can meet up for some alone time, but it's just an escape from everything else. I am not your woman. I am not moving back into your room. I am not promising love or sex. We're friends. If it develops into something more, fine, but for now, we are not a couple."

Jasper's eyes darted away only to return with mesmerizing focus. "I understand perfectly. Let's call this a mutually beneficial arrangement or smart companionship. What do you think?"

It was like he read my mind. "That is exactly what I want."

"Then that is what you shall have." He took my hands in his and raised them to his lips for a soft kiss. "I can wait for your love. I only ask for your loyalty and respect."

Aww. I had done some serious damage to his feelings when I treated him poorly the other day. "You have both. I have no interest in anyone else, and I promise to always be respectful to you in the future."

"And I promise to protect and serve you in any way you require," he vowed solemnly.

The words touched off a change in me. It was like gears coming together. They locked in place, giving me a feeling of smooth tranquility and easy acceptance. I was both freed and bound by it. I had been in turmoil for months, but here with Jasper, I was settled.

The only negative was the sneaky little smile on his face that made me wonder if I had missed something.

* * *

**Author's Note: I hope everyone enjoyed the chapter. This one was heavier on information that I originally intended. I added some stuff in to clear up a few things that were confusing people. Hopefully, it did the trick. For me, it was just nice to have one end on a good note for a change.  
**

**As usual, thanks for reading. Another thank you to everyone who commented on the last chapter. Just to name a few . . . Jess, you rock. Jade Lyssy, I missed you. Jay, you make me smile. It's an all J day in honor of Jasper.**

**Have a great weekend,**  
Cris


	30. Chapter 30 Different Day in Another Life

**Before I get into the chapter, I thought I'd lead off with a summary to catch everyone up.  
**

Bella's human life ends with her in the hands of the Cullens and suffering from memory loss. Jasper is torn to pieces and spread over the state of Washington. For the next three years, she lives with the Cullen family. During this time, they move around constantly in an attempt to remain one step ahead of Demetri and Jasper who are hunting them. She is unaware of her true history with Jasper and only knows he killed her. As time goes by, she grows disenchanted with life in the Cullen family. They rarely answer her questions, and her trust in them begins to slip.

One day while playing with the limits of her shield, Bella unknowingly lowers it completely. It is a mere blink of time, but it allows Demetri to pinpoint the location of the family. Edward and the others are unaware of this. While hunting days later, Bella picks up the scent of other vampires. Carlisle sends the women away and remains behind with Emmett and Edward. Hours later, Rosalie, Esme, and Bella are pacing a dock waiting for a phone call. When the phone does ring, Jasper is on the other line. It is after this that Bella learns about what the family did to him and about the extent of their deception with her. Bella dives into the ocean and leaves them to their fate.

For four months, Bella lives on her own. Her curiosity begins to get the better of her and she tries researching the family. It brings on more questions than answers. After a brief chat with a librarian, she figures out that Jasper and others are hot on her heels. She runs.

While again playing with her shield, she unknowingly reveals her location when she makes a decision to travel to California. Alice sees this. Days later after another phone spat with Jasper, Bella decides to finally meet her problem head on. She goes to Forks, Washington, where she knows she will be captured.

After arriving at the compound in Mexico, she spends days getting to know Alice. The two bond over their shared memory loss. Bella does not bond with Demetri. He does not appreciate her attitude or the changes she inspires in his coven. He also has doubts about her intentions. Why did she allow herself to get captured? What does she want?

Jasper finally arrives. He is flabbergasted to find her waiting there. She initially doesn't recognize him but is immediately drawn to him. They have a good moment until she realizes who he is. They argue. She decides she should just leave. It is at this point that he informs her they have Charlie. She runs into the house where Demetri tells her their plans for her father. He is also a shield, but unlike hers, his is constant and only shared through touch. For him to be effective against the Volturi, Charlie will have to been torn apart.

Bella feels trapped into staying, but in a moment of weakness, later decides to run again. Jasper chases her down and tells her he loves her. She is intrigued by him and opts to stay. The next day, she has a bad moment in Demetri's study where he essentially informs her that her life is dependent on Jasper's happiness. After leaving the room, she considers what he said and everything that he has done. She decides that the only way she will ever feel safe from him is to relieve him of power.

Her plotting is interrupted when she observes Jasper seemingly sharing a moment with a redhead. Jealous takes over. Bella punches the woman in the chest and confronts Jasper. She embarrasses him much to the enjoyment of the rest of the coven. For a week, the two ignore each other. Bella grows close to a small group of friends, two of whom are planning to go through the informal ceremony that binds mates. She is unaware of the details of what this entails.

The first meeting in Alice's newly built rock seating area is held. Demetri mentions a threat to the Volturi that the coven must prepare for. Bella believes it is just an excuse to amp up the amount of training everyone is doing. She also marvels at the hypocrisy in his statements as she is one of the few who is aware of his plans to take out Aro and his followers and then take charge himself. Supposedly he plans on sharing power with Alice, Felix, and Jasper, but she doesn't trust him.

After the meeting, Bella and her friends stay behind to discuss plans for a mating celebration for her friends. Their discussion comes to an end when Jasper tells them to leave. He pulls Bella aside. They end up talking. The night is going well for a change. She suggests they spend time together. He calls it a mutually beneficial arrangement, a term he previously used to describe mates. She does not know of this. Through a bit of trickery, he has her share the words with him that bind a couple.

And that is where we left off.

**I hope it reads way better in full chapters than how I made it sound here. My hubby and I were chuckling as I read this out loud to him. I guess that's one of the joys of fanfiction. We embrace craziness.**

* * *

**Conversations with My Killer**  
Chapter 30 - A Different Day in Another Life

"_We can meet up for some alone time, but it's just an escape from everything else. I am not your woman. I am not moving back into your room. I am not promising love or sex. We're friends. If it develops into something more, fine, but for now, we are not a couple."_

_Jasper's eyes darted away only to return with mesmerizing focus. "I understand perfectly. Let's call this a mutually beneficial arrangement or smart companionship. What do you think?"_

_It was like he read my mind. "That is exactly what I want."_

"_Then that is what you shall have." He took my hands in his and raised them to his lips for a soft kiss. "I can wait for your love. I only ask for your loyalty and respect."_

_Aww. I had done some serious damage to his feelings when I treated him poorly the other day. "You have both. I have no interest in anyone else, and I promise to always be respectful to you in the future."_

"_And I promise to protect and serve you in any way you require," he vowed solemnly._

_The words touched off a change in me. It was like gears coming together. They locked in place, giving me a feeling of smooth tranquility and easy acceptance. I was both freed and bound by it. I had been in turmoil for months, but here with Jasper, I was settled. _

_The only negative was the sneaky little smile on his face that made me wonder if I had missed something. _

* * *

Nothing good ever came out of ignoring what was staring me in the face. As cute as Jasper was with his little smile, I needed an answer to a very simple question. If it ruined his happy mood, so be it.

"What are you up to? I know it can't be good."

His eyes were fireworks. "How do you feel?"

"Great until now. It makes me nervous when you're this happy."

"You said the words, and you meant them. That makes you mine."

Rain clouds blocked the sun shining in my mind. I had a moment's peace, and Jasper had to bring thunder down on us. "Stop using the word _mine_. I said I would try to be nicer and I'm not attracted to anyone else. Knowing me, that can change tomorrow."

"That's not what you said."

Yeah, it was. "Don't start this again. We're on the right track. Kissing you was fun. Life isn't great, but it's better."

"Life is shit. In five minutes, you'll come up with a new excuse to stay away from me."

I didn't need new reasons. I already had plenty. "I'm going back to the compound before this turns into an argument. Thanks for the shirt."

Jasper didn't come after me until I reached the top step of the meeting area. "Bella, stop. It's not supposed to be like this. Why are you pushing away your feelings?"

I wasn't. They were still there, just darker and harder to hold onto. "Would you please let this go?"

He latched onto one of my arms and pulled me to a stop. "It's not supposed to be like this."

"Then tell me what it's supposed to be."

"Acceptance. A quiet understanding that we're united no matter what. Love and peace. Those goddamn feelings. I know you felt them because I did."

He must have heard something in his words that I didn't because his whole demeanor changed. "Ah fuck."

"What?"

"You really only want to be my friend."

I thought we established that. "The stage is set for us to be more, but right now, we're friends."

"We're not friends. Every human I kill is you. I taste your blood, hear your screams, and feel your skin. All of them are you."

"Reenacting my death isn't a Hallmark moment. It tells me you need a straight jacket and some separation."

"There is no separation. You're my mate."

Suddenly, there was light where none had been. I didn't have to know the details of the mating ceremony to figure out he tried to sneak it by me. My ignorance made me the ideal victim. With his predatory approach to life, it was no wonder he took advantage.

"Do you even understand why this is wrong? There's nothing genuine about a strategized relationship. I'm a person not a battle."

"Really? Because I've been storming your beach for three years and still haven't breached the shores."

That was my whole point. "Love isn't war."

"It meets my definition. A constant fight to get what you want and then keep it. Sacrifice and risk taking. Victory."

In every war, one side lost. So far, that was me. "How did you think I would feel when I figured this out? Would you have even told me if I hadn't asked about the smile?"

"What the hell does it matter? Everything I do pisses you off. I saw an opportunity, and I took it."

Unbelievable. I stripped off his shirt and threw it to the ground. I would rather burn than feel that fabric on my skin. His touch. His smell. His taste. His voice. He was everywhere.

Just when I thought there might be a chance for us, he had to go and ruin it. I should tell him what a jerk he was. Tell him he would never have me. Tell him something. I stopped walking. The ground still felt like it was moving beneath me. I wobbled on my feet.

Jasper steadied me. "You don't get to be angry about this. Accept it."

That was easier said than done. From the first moment I laid eyes on him, I fluctuated between acceptance and rejection almost constantly. If my indecisiveness corresponded to flashing lights, I would cause seizures.

Did I want him? Yes. No. Always. Never.

Mental exhaustion tempered my rage. I spoke softly and barely heard the words much less felt them. "You've taken the biggest decisions of my life out of my hands and pushed your own choices on me. You did it twice."

"I didn't take anything. The bond doesn't work if the feelings are unreciprocated. Hell, the words shouldn't even be necessary."

He talked more. I didn't listen. I stood there. Blank. Numb. Empty. It was what he wanted. My opinions were unwanted. Any thoughts of my own were wrong if they didn't conform to his. I was an accessory. No real value. I hated that he made me feel this way.

Jasper shook me. "Wake up."

How? "You have to wind up the toy to make it work."

He picked up his shirt and draped it over my shoulders. "You are not a toy."

Then why was he playing dress up with me? I flicked the shirt off and went back to walking. He threw it right back on me. "You're not going back without a shirt on. If I have to force you to wear it, I will."

"It's not a shirt. It's a stamp, and I would rather be struck by lightning than wear it."

I circled back to the remains of my tank top and tied it around my chest. Jasper did not approve. "That's worse than not wearing anything at all."

I didn't see how. The pointy bits were covered. The knot was tight. It wouldn't hold up to running, but since I preferred walking, it was no biggie.

"Would you want me walking around without pants?" he asked.

What the hell did it matter to me? "I don't care if you rip your dick off and attach it to your face. It's your body not mine."

"Sure, I'll do that right after I use my balls as earmuffs."

That was an exaggeration for the ages. "You better shoot for earplugs."

He ignored the blistering insult and steered us back on course. "Like I said before, you don't get to be angry. You want me to take the choices out of your hands. All the risks are mine. If we fail, it's my fault. That's what you want."

If I was afraid to take risks, I wouldn't be here. "Try thinking before you speak. It'll save you from sounding like an idiot."

Jasper's mouth was a shovel, and dirt was his favorite meal. "I'm simply pointing out that this is your fault. You didn't take charge. You sat on your ass and forced me to make a move because the only alternative was letting you jerk me around for a year. Well, I've waited long enough. I want my mate."

He wanted this. He wanted that. Fine. "You've got me. I'm your mate. Every part of me is yours. My fingers. My eyes. My heart. My ass. My big fat can't shut up mouth. You can have it all."

"Don't say it unless you mean it."

"Then wait until the day I do, and stop being the kind of man who makes me sad for him. You're better than what you did tonight."

That stopped him in his tracks. "Are you saying you feel sorry for me? You think I'm weak."

Yes and no. "I think you want something bad enough to do anything to get it, and no one understands that better than me."

He made a dismissing hissing sound. "You want happiness and security. Stop fighting us for five minutes, and you'll figure out that we can give you everything you want."

"Not as long as Demetri lives. The man is poison."

The air between us took on a heightened intensity. "This is one of those times when you need to be quiet."

"Why? I'd rather stomp forward than step with a whisper. It may be brash and unrestrained, but at least, it's honest. You should try it sometime. It feels fucking great."

I could see him struggling to hold his temper in check. "I know where you're going with this, and you need to stop."

It was the same as telling me to shut up. Well, no thank you. "Am I supposed to pretend everything is okay? Because it isn't. Aren't you even curious about what I want and why I stay? You think it's about you and it's not."

"Twenty minutes ago, you said that what you want is in direct opposition to the goals of another. I didn't ask for details, and I don't want them now."

"Why not?"

"Because I already know what you want, and I can't help you. Demetri saved me when everyone else turned away. When I lost you, he was the one who kept me sane. I will not work against him simply because you don't like him."

Was he brainwashed? "I don't know what he did for you. I only know what I've seen, and he is not someone you can trust. The man will not be satisfied with taking down the Volturi. He'll kill anyone he sees as a threat."

Jasper jumped right into defending his friend and attacking me. "You don't know anything about him or anyone else, and when someone offers you information, you turn your nose up at it. The journals. My past. You want your version of the truth and no one else's."

Like he was any better. "You're doing the same thing as me. You'd rather know nothing than something because then you're not faced with unwanted facts or a difficult choice."

He flinched at the comparison. "That's not true."

"Yes, it is. You don't want to know my plans. You ignore me every time I say I don't love you. If you don't listen, why should I?"

His voice took on an aggressive hatefulness. "Give it to me then because the last thing I want is to be compared to you."

Oh, I'd give it to him. I'd give it to him so hard he wouldn't be able to sit for a week. "When we face Alec, I can shield one of us, all of us, or none of us. It's my choice who I protect, and guess who doesn't make the list."

His lips parted slightly, and the corners of his eyes drew together into thin grooves. "You wouldn't."

The need to test his love made me reckless and cruel. "Wouldn't what? Set Demetri and half the rest of you up to die? It's what I've been planning. And if you love me as much as you say, there ain't a damn thing you can do about it."

He didn't rage at me like I expected. Gone was the warrior and in his place stood a tired old man with stooped shoulders and a heavy heart. "You're everything I thought you should be, but all I want is for you to be the way you were."

_Oh, cry me a river._ "I was too weak to fight back and too naive to know I should. If that's what you want in a mate, go find someone else."

* * *

I couldn't beat my head against the ground hard enough. Why? Why? Why couldn't he listen?

He thought he knew me, but he didn't and wouldn't listen when I tried pointing it out to him. I wasn't the human he remembered. If he had just held back from trying to sneak that stupid mating ceremony by me, none of this would have happened. He wouldn't have stormed off. I wouldn't be on my knees trying to break rocks with my skull.

I considered chasing after him, but there was nothing I could say. An apology wouldn't be sincere. I meant most of what I said, but that didn't mean I was proud of how I handled the situation.

Rethinking the whole argument wasn't getting me anywhere. I needed to stop worrying about this. Jasper was more than capable of taking care of himself. It wasn't my job to hold his hand and make him feel better. I had my own problems to deal with, problems he cared nothing about.

When I returned to the compound, everyone took note of my appearance. The popular assumptions probably took the direction Jasper expected. I heard several comments about how he put me in my place. The state of my clothing was his way of letting everyone know how he did it.

I ignored the lewd comments thrown my way. I wouldn't let them or anyone else bring me low. With a tired sigh, I sat in a corner, closed my eyes, and let the world pass me by for a few hours.

The day started for real when Alice brought me fresh clothes. I changed quickly and joined her and Felix for training. They had gathered a group of about fifteen of us together and were evaluating our skills.

Minutes into the session, Jasper arrived looking like he had a massive chip on his shoulders. His presence was an ill omen darkening the sky and heating the air around him. Pagans should make sacrifices to him. A goat would do, but a fresh faced virgin was better.

Someone shouted my name. I looked in their general vicinity. It was Felix. He pointed to the center square. "You and Lily."

Before I could move, a gruff voice countered his instruction. "Bella trains with me. No one else."

Sparring with Jasper was not a good idea. It was painful enough having him fifty feet away. Physical contact would kill me.

"Demetri specifically said he wants her working with everyone," Alice protested on my behalf. "Felix and I agree."

Jasper offered his version of a compromise. "Spar with my mate. Fight with me."

It was a hell of a way to put an end to the speculation. Had he not been such an arrogant toad, I would have approved. I settled for letting my inner smart ass out to play. "The tarnished gold star goes to your earplugs. They're bigger than I thought."

* * *

There would never be an end to the speculation about us. Two questions were on everyone's mind. If we were mates, why were we at war? If we weren't mates, why did I go along with Jasper's declaration that we were?

We didn't spar. We fought. No punches were pulled. Each hit was delivered full force and with gusto. We both shared the blame for this. During our first training session, he kicked me harder than I thought was necessary. I retaliated by biting him on the forearm when he reached down to help me to my feet.

After that, the violent exchanges increased in intensity until neither of us was holding much back. I couldn't hurt him enough, and he seemed to feel the same. Being the lesser skilled of the two of us, I lost every single time. Our only rule was we wouldn't bite. He wouldn't mark me more than he already had, and I didn't want his venom in my mouth again. I had enough of it in me as it was.

Today's training session was no different. We watched each other until it was time for our daily drama to begin. We were the coven's new favorite entertainment. Everyone came to watch him kick my ass. Though I wasn't nearly as bad as he made me look. Against anyone else, I would have fared pretty well.

As it turned out, I took to fighting like a duck to water. Alice liked to say I was a quick study. The truth was less about natural ability and more about common sense. Being knocked to the ground multiple times provided me with incentive to improve my skills.

After the last group cleared out of the way, I hopped to my feet in a show of eagerness I did not feel inside. Days of aggressive contact put me on pins and needles every time we came within sight of each other. My body healed quickly, but you wouldn't know it from the heaviness in my muscles or the burn under my skin. I needed a day off but was too stubborn to say anything.

I had myself convinced that if I could earn his respect maybe he would prefer me over the human he remembered. I was stronger than her. Better. Why couldn't he want this version of me? And if the weaker version was the one he wanted, why was he training me? The contradictions in his behavior reminded me of my own indecisiveness. Neither of us seemed to know what we wanted.

I inhaled slowly and released the air in tiny pulses. I knew I would put in a poor showing. Jasper was cool as a cucumber. His confidence and self-possession did not spill over and boost my own, neither did his skill. Three minutes into our bout, my back hit the ground.

My instructor was dissatisfied with my latest efforts. He stood over me and nudged my side with his bare foot. "Get up."

"I like down better."

I needed time to heal and reevaluate. Each slam to the ground or kick to the back was a lesson learned. They gave me more to analyze. In all our matches, I made small adjustments to ineffective moves until I found a way to make them work.

Jasper held out a hand. "Come on. I'll help you."

I saw his offer as a step in the right direction. He was in as bad a shape as me and needed a break from the pain. We could go somewhere and talk. An hour alone would go a long way in straightening us both out.

I was wrong about his intentions. Once I regained my feet, he slapped me lightly on the cheek. "Do you like that?"

"No."

He delivered a shot to the shoulder. "What about that?"

"No."

"It's not hard, Bella. When someone takes a swing at you, move out of the way."

More laughter. I had thought this day couldn't get worse, but he had to kick me off the lowest rung of my very short ladder and then stomp me into the ground.

He continued to slap at me. I tried dodging him, but he was too fast. My cheeks. My ears. My neck. My nose. He wasn't hitting me hard. He was touching me just enough to show me I couldn't stop him.

The last bit of contact was a thump to my forehead. "Stop me. Don't just take it."

"You're too fast."

He punched me in the chest sending me backwards into Riley. "Then get faster."

I was back to hating him with the same vengeance from when I first arrived in this hell hole. When he turned his back on me and walked away, the young vampire in me demanded I respond. I immediately tried launching myself at him but didn't get far before Riley and Felix grabbed a hold of me.

One of them slapped a hand over my mouth. It stopped me from shouting out just much of my ass Jasper could kiss. From the top to the bottom and in the part between. Fucking asshole. He could die for all I cared. We weren't friends or mates. We weren't anything.

"Make him eat his words," Riley whispered down to me.

When I was finished with him, I would make him eat his own face.

Alice dismissed everyone else while Felix tried calming me down. It wasn't until the last person's form faded from view that I could breathe steadily again.

"You good?" he asked after several more minutes.

"I'm fine."

He didn't believe me anymore than Alice did. She waved off her mate telling him we needed girl time. What I really needed was a fresh kill and a fully belly. Blood would quench my thirst and bring peace to my mind.

Alice sat next me and bumped her shoulder into mine. "It's getting rougher between you. Are you sure you're okay with that?"

Like everyone else, she thought he was too hard on me. What no one understood was that he was the best opponent I could have. He never grew tired of fighting me. He rarely took it too far. He allowed me to repeat my mistakes and was determined to show me why I shouldn't. Anyone else would have given up on me. He never would.

When I didn't say anything, she opened her trap again. "What's it going to take for you and him to stop punishing each other?"

A miracle. "I've seen you and Felix sparring in the afternoons. You train with the same intensity we do, and no one thinks anything of it."

Naturally, she didn't agree. "We are a true mated pair. We understand and respect each other's boundaries. You and Jasper don't."

I wasn't sure what we were. Jasper considered us mates, but I was still feeling this out and trying to understand what the rules were. "We have some issues, and we're working through them. Stay out of it."

"Issues? I'm seeing a private war being played out every second you're within a hundred yards of each other."

"It is what it is. I don't know what else to say."

"That's strange. Rumor has it you have plenty to say. You just don't say any of it loud enough for those of us at the main house to hear."

Our conversation took a dramatic turn with that statement. It was no secret that my group of friends had grown steadily in the weeks since my arrival. They spoke. I listened. They questioned. I answered. I didn't tell them what to believe. I only suggested they question everything and make educated choices.

We talked about alternative lifestyles and how we should embrace our differences. We weren't required to fit into a single vampire mold. Some of us were better suited for life in a coven. Others were born for a nomadic or solitary existence. We also didn't have to limit our diet to humans. Yes, we lived under rules, but not so much that it limited who we could be.

"Did you really think the coven would be satisfied with burned thrones and a new place to hold meetings?" I asked. "You sent out signals that their opinions would be heard, but then no one was there to listen. All I did was shut my mouth and open my ears."

"If you would do that with Jasper, your problems would be solved," she snapped.

I had no reason to believe a word out of his mouth. "I have better things to do than listen to him lie to me."

"You're right. Someone has to lay the groundwork for rebellion. Why shouldn't it be you?"

Wasn't that the whole point of this stupid plan of theirs? "Our mission is to take down the Volturi. How are we going to do that without an army that questions authority?"

Her lips parted in shock. "You're helping us?"

No. I was helping myself while I pretended to help them. "What else would I be doing?"

"Plotting against us."

Bingo, baby. "To what end? My survival is as dependent on success as everyone else's. It's not like we can stop the train now that it's on the track. At some point, Demetri or Felix will be called home. Aro will read their minds and know of the plot against him. Once that happens, we're as good as dead. I don't have to like what we're doing. I only have to help us succeed."

Alice still had her doubts. "I'm not sure I can trust you."

"Think about why I'm doing this. You can't change a person's mentality in the blink of an eye. It takes baby steps. You open their minds and slowly introduce new ideas."

"I suppose."

"You suppose? How did you react the first time Demetri mentioned his plans? Did it take you more than a week to buy in?"

Her attention turned to the ground. "I'll admit we didn't immediately see eye to eye."

Finally, she saw the light. It was dimmed a few notches by my dishonesty, but I got the sense she wasn't being entirely truthful either. None of us ever were.

"Why don't you join us tonight?" I suggested. "You'll see I'm not doing anything wrong. Plus, we're putting the finishing plans on a party. I know that's right up your alley."

"Party?" she asked in a little girl voice.

She already knew about it, but I played along. "A mating celebration the day after tomorrow. You're welcome to come if you want. Dancing. Music. Illicit hookups and loud moaning. It'll be fun."

She clasped onto my arm. "Can we get ready together? Pick out dresses. Fix our hair. I can help you with your makeup."

Hell no. I was not a fancy dress up kind of girl. "Don't even think about it. I'm wearing what I have on now."

"But those are the same clothes I brought you days ago."

"And?"

"For the sake of my senses, stop bathing in the river and wearing the same old dirty clothes. You smell like dead fish and dirty water. Don't be afraid of soap. Embrace it."

Soap wasn't the problem. Seeing Jasper was. The only showers that offered privacy were in the main house. Not to mention, my clothes were in his room. Being estranged maybe mates was complicated business. I didn't know how it worked or what I should do. Until I did, it was best to avoid seeing him outside our training sessions.

Alice knew what my issue was and offered a solution. "I'll have Felix get Jasper out of the house for a couple hours."

Tempting, but no. "I don't trust you to keep him away, and I really don't want you smearing shit on my face."

"This may surprise you, but not everyone is out to do you wrong. Someday, you'll realize that."

Maybe, but I didn't see it happening anytime soon.

* * *

My body. The ground. Best friends forever.

Jasper had no more sympathy for me today than he did yesterday. "Time doesn't stop for you, princess."

It damn well should. I was sore and hot. The humidity in the air weakened my lungs and weighed down my limbs. It was stifling out here. I wished the clouds would open up and drench us with rain. They had been threatening it for hours but had yet to deliver. Vampires were supposed to be immune to weather. Well, that was bullshit.

His foot nudges to my shoulder felt like kicks. "Up."

"I need a minute."

Concern flashed briefly on his face before being replaced by indifference. The mask was firmly in place for everyone to see. I wasn't fooled though. He cared. We both did. He was ready to shout it from the rooftops. I had only just begun whispering it to myself.

A drop of rain landed in the middle of my forehead. Another hit my nose. Finally. Rain was usually enough to send these vampires running, but our audience wouldn't budge as long as there was a chance we might kill each other.

"Ten minutes," my torturer offered in a monotone voice.

I rejoined my friends and watched another pair square off. These two didn't try to hurt each other. They were even civil. I couldn't help but wonder what that would be like. Probably as boring as it was to watch. If I could nap, I would.

It wasn't long before Jasper interrupted my internal yawning. "Done crying?"

As long as we were shitty to each other, I would always want to cry. If I was human, I would fill a lake with tears. He'd probably go swimming in it.

_Concentrate on the task at hand. No emotions. Prepare yourself._

I walked the perimeter of the square, trying to loosen up again. My shoulder was still tender, but it was in better shape than earlier. I looked down at the dirt. It was turning to mud. This would be messy.

My opponent's eyes were dark and indecipherable as he observed me. His arms hung loosely by his sides. He was relaxed and certain of victory. My goal was the same as always. I didn't have to win. I only had to knock him down to feel some measure of victory.

I had accomplished that goal on the night he came home and first saw me. The initial shock left him vulnerable, which was no longer the case. These days he was determined to prove to me that I would never get the best of him. I was equally determined to resist compromise. We were locked in a fight for dominance neither of us could win. Without something significant to jar us both, we would keep repeating the same day over and over.

_And here we go again._

Jasper raised a hand beckoning me forward. I declined the invitation. "You first, twinkle toes."

"Woman, be serious."

"Man, be not."

My only warning was an arc of black striking out at me. I ducked just before he made contact. From there, we did not stop. No move was hesitant or half delivered. The intent from us both was clear. He wanted to teach me a lesson. I wanted to last as long as I could.

That would be all of three more seconds if he didn't keep bending his body to escape my attacks. I couldn't seem to get close enough to touch him. I tried again, and Jasper caught my right arm, twisting it until my shoulder popped. The sound was a prelude to him relieving the pressure and spinning me around into his chest.

He grinned at the contact. "Say you want to quit, and we'll go play another game."

_Not even on my dying breath._ "Nope."

After a heavy sigh, he pushed me away. I scrambled back from him and circled the outer reaches of the square as I tried buying enough time for my arm to stop pounding. Mercifully, he allowed me a minute.

This was when I should have conceded gracefully, but I couldn't say the words. Instead, it was more of the same. "I'm ready."

He knew I wasn't, which was probably why he went easy on me. His movements were slower and lacking the forcefulness from earlier, but I still had trouble keeping up. An ill-timed lunge sent me stumbling. The slippery mud did the rest of the work needed to send me to the ground.

I rolled onto my back and stomped at the earth beneath me. He always got the best of me. There was just no beating him. No one could.

He stood over me with that gloating smile of his. "You always did look good in mud."

I was a breath away from tripping him when I saw him snap his head to the left. It happened just as the sound of a man's voice reached me. He was saying something about how much he enjoyed seeing me on my back.

In the next instant, a crack of thunder was accompanied by the sound of shrieking. In three moves, Jasper disabled the man and lit him on fire. Rain was powerless against the flammability of our venom. Its bittersweet smell sent the other vampires running in all directions. They were sharks fleeing their own blood.

Unlike them, my survival instincts did not kick into gear. I was mesmerized by the sight of a strange purple smoke dancing in the air. It shimmered against the rain and swirled as if it were controlled by a sorcerer's wand. More extraordinary than that was the feeling of familiarity that came over me.

My eyes trailed over to Jasper. His scarred face was turned up to meet the falling rain. Seeing him made the pieces come together. Scars faded and revealed a man I once knew. I could see him and hear him. He breathed in the smell of death and smiled lazily.

I knew what would happen next. He would turn his head toward me and open his eyes. Pleasure would be replaced by curiosity. Our eyes would connect for the briefest of moments, and then someone would drag me away.

I had lived this exact moment on a different day and in another life. Everything happened just as it should. Only this time, no one was left to pull me away from the scene. They were gone, but we remained.

* * *

**Author's Note: I'm sort of tiptoeing back into fanfiction after disappearing for a few months. I'm not going to go into what happened other than to say it was due to a personal issue completely unrelated to fanfiction. I know I worried a few people, which wasn't my intention. Disappearing was a shit thing to do, and I wish I had communicated better about a hiatus. I apologize for not doing so.  
**

**I want to thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I'm still trying to get back into this writing thing, so I hope you'll be patient with me. **

**Thanks for sticking with the story,  
Cris  
**


	31. Chapter 31 Looking Back

**Author's Note: The story summary I posted at the beginning of the last chapter is still there if anyone needs a refresher.  
**

* * *

**Conversations with My Killer**  
Chapter 31 - Looking Back

_I was a breath away from tripping him when I saw him snap his head to the left. It happened just as the sound of a man's voice reached me. He was saying something about how much he enjoyed seeing me on my back. _

_In the next instant, a crack of thunder was accompanied by the sound of shrieking. In three moves, Jasper disabled the man and lit him on fire. Rain was powerless against the flammability of our venom. Its bittersweet smell sent the other vampires running in all directions. They were sharks fleeing their own blood. _

_Unlike them, my survival instincts did not kick into gear. I was mesmerized by the sight of a strange purple smoke dancing in the air. It shimmered against the rain and swirled as if it were controlled by a sorcerer's wand. More extraordinary than that was the feeling of familiarity that came over me. _

_My eyes trailed over to Jasper. His scarred face was turned up to meet the falling rain. Seeing him made the pieces come together. Scars faded and revealed a man I once knew. I could see him and hear him. He breathed in the smell of death and smiled lazily. _

_I knew what would happen next. He would turn his head toward me and open his eyes. Pleasure would be replaced by curiosity. Our eyes would connect for the briefest of moments, and then someone would drag me away. _

_I had lived this exact moment on a different day and in another life. Everything happened just as it should. Only this time, no one was left to pull me away from the scene. They were gone, but we remained. _

* * *

Memories of that day came to me in distinct chunks of information. I visited Edward's house for the first time. Seeing him play piano awakened my senses. For a man who worried over his soul, he only needed to hear himself play to have the answer. There was life and love in him no soulless creature could possess.

I had jumped at the chance to watch him play baseball with the family. It was the perfect day filled with laughter and camaraderie. Then the fun stopped and fear took its place. Nomads. Red eyes. Shouting. Smoke.

Jasper moved when no one else would. No hesitation or doubt. Disaster was not averted. It was merely postponed. The look we shared was probably the beginning of my fascination with him. It also marked the end of my vision from that part of my past.

I searched him out again. He was crouched next to the ashes running his fingers through the dust. He scooped some up and tightened his hand into a tight fist. A grayish goo squeezed out between his fingers and hit the grass in wet clumps.

Another crack in the dam formed. I could see a headband. There were pine trees. I wore a white shirt. The air smelled woodsy and damp. All I lacked was sound.

"Talk to me," I requested. "Anything."

"You won't like what I have to say."

When did I ever? "Talk."

His annoyance bled into his words. "If you don't stop projecting your moves with your eyes and your shoulders, you'll continue to lose. You're lazy, undisciplined, and careless. It pisses me off to know I'll probably die defending you."

_Careless. _

Jasper's critical tone triggered a surge of information. It was similar to recalling the words to a song playing on the radio. In this case, I heard a library of songs. Lyrics were missing and static filled in the blanks. It was nothing like the clarity from a moment ago. Without order and context, only the simplest of facts were clear.

Charlie owned one television. The right windshield wiper on my truck was defective. Edward wore his sunglasses indoors. I loved peaches. The faucet in my bathroom dripped. Renee smelled like citrus.

My mind worked quickly, filing and sorting the revelations. It soon became clear that the nuts and bolts of a person's life did not result in a vivid recollection of the past. I couldn't quote conversations, and most events were mired in a dense fog. Few objects or ideas even triggered an emotional response. Those that did acted as descriptors for the people in my life.

Edward was candy and copper. His smell in conjunction with the color of his hair caused a quickening in my chest. Charlie was a wall of cabinets in a dated kitchen. I wanted to cook him chicken soup and ask about his day. The red truck with the vintage charm was Renee. Thinking of her renewed my need for independence.

My humanity was hidden in my past. It was in the people I knew and the experiences we shared. It didn't take knowing everything to see I had a good life surrounded by honest, caring people. The connections between us were damaged, but I now had proof they once existed.

What was it that altered my path? Dissatisfaction or boredom, perhaps? I wasn't sure. I only knew that at some point Jasper asserted a presence in my life. From what little I could recall, he was the same provocative and beguiling man I knew now.

"Pick an emotion and stick with it before I twist your head off."

The voice dumped me right back in the present. I rewound my thoughts to the moments before my timeout. An audience of vampires watched as Jasper and I sparred. He slammed me into the ground. It was a repeat of every other day we spent this last week. A few poorly chosen words changed it all.

Purple smoke. A life replaced by dust. It was a senseless act. There were a million more where that came from. "You killed him. He barely said anything and you killed him."

In a blink and you missed it move, Jasper went from being crouched twenty feet away to pulling me onto his lap and securing me to him with a heavy arm around my waist. He took one of my clenched fists and unfolded my fingers. In an action reminiscent of the joining of blood brothers, he smeared wet ashes into my open palm and entangled his fingers with mine tight enough to make me flinch.

"No one should talk about you, Bella. They shouldn't look at you or think about you. I want them dead for knowing you exist."

This was the man everyone whispered about in the dark corners of the compound. How did an innocent girl go from loving Edward to falling for a man who lived without shame, regret, or fear of reprisal? Jasper's morals were not guided by a belief in a god. He was the higher power, and our conversations were Sunday sermons he used to reshape my vision of the world. His words were lost to me, but I could sense the power of their influence.

How different would my life be if he'd been the one at my side when I awakened? No drinking from plastic bags or sippy cups. Jasper would have provided me with a buffet of the tastiest humans he could find and encouraged me to drink my fill.

Thanks to the endless supply of food, I wouldn't have questioned anything. In no time at all, I would have been fully indoctrinated into Demetri's coven. Their way was the best way. How could it not be when they gave me everything I wanted and needed?

Would I have been taught restraint? Would I have a single thought to call my own, or would I exist as a mindless soldier in a point and click fight for blood and power?

The answer was obvious. I would have been whatever Jasper wanted me to be. Even without those three critical years of training, I still lived as an extension of him.

The Cullens were right to protect me. They knew the only chance I had of escaping him was to never know of his existence. After they risked everything to protect me, I repaid their kindness by abandoning them. They deserved better, and I failed them.

Esme and Carlisle were safe in Alaska, but Rosalie, Edward, and Emmett were at the mercy of Demetri and Jasper's whims. Given what I just witnessed, it was a bad place to be. Charlie's situation was even more dire.

A hand moved up to my neck. "You're shaking."

"Am I?"

Jasper's cold touch smoothed along my collarbone and up to my shoulder. "Is it really so terrible having me close like this?"

Yes, mostly because it wasn't terrible at all. It was wrong of me to feel this way for the man who stripped me of everything. I feared what he would become to me and what I already was to him. We were violent chaos, and I could only see it ending one way.

I should have moved or insisted he stop touching me from the start, but it was only when his fingers grazed over my scar that I voiced an objection. "Don't."

"It's as much mine as yours." He lingered over the old wound. "Still hurting from earlier?"

In more ways than he knew. "Yes."

"Good."

My killer was possessive of my pain. It was his to cause and keep. My feelings for him were equally complex and unhealthy. Fighting each other was the only thing that made any of this bearable.

The request came just as it always did. "Come home with me."

Was it any wonder we couldn't make progress? His training was at odds with his expectations and now my own. Neither of us could respect or love someone who submitted. We needed to find a compromise that allowed us to stay on equal footing.

I wanted way more than he'd ever give me, but we had to start somewhere. "Release Edward and Rosalie, and allow Emmett and Charlie to leave with them."

"No."

No? Just a flat out no? "You have to give me something."

"There is nothing for me to give. Emmett joined us of his own freewill and is actively recruiting for us alongside your father. As for Edward and Rose, they deserve their imprisonment. I see no reason to free them."

I was the reason. Could he not see that? I moved off of him and stood up to put some distance between us. Minimizing our contact would hopefully allow me to think clearly again.

I should have paid the same attention to my body as I did my mind. Two steps later, I slipped in the mud and almost landed on my ass.

Jasper snickered while watching me struggle to regain my balance. "Graceful."

Screw him. We were in the middle of a slimy, wet pit. Alice, a goddess of agility and dance, would have trouble keeping her feet steady. Not that he cared. "Go ahead and say it. I'm not clumsy. I'm careless."

Who knew my words held the power of Medusa's gaze? Jasper froze. His expression was stuck somewhere between a smile, a grimace, and shock.

Since he seemed content to play the role of gargoyle, I took this opportunity to explain my side of the argument.

"I see your point on Charlie and Emmett, and you're even right about Rosalie and Edward. Their actions were condemnable, but can you honestly say you wouldn't have done the same thing?"

The narrowing of his eyelids was the only sign of life. I took it to mean he still wasn't willing to meet in the middle.

I tried again. "Forget what they did, and think about us instead. I need a reason to believe in you."

"Why this sudden interest in helping others?"

They were real to me now, not just characters in a story I didn't want to hear. I wouldn't tell Jasper any of that. I wanted more time to process how I felt about everything before having to deal with his reaction.

I tried playing it cold. They weren't people. They were obstacles. "We have enough baggage keeping us apart. Unloading some of it simplifies our situation."

"Baggage you claim not to care about beyond an intermittent sense of duty to a father you don't remember."

He had me there. Time for a new plan. "I feel guilty. The family tried to help me, and I turned my back on them. Getting Edward and Rosalie away from here clears my conscience."

Black eyes pinned me in place. "This better not be a thirty minute pass where you take a shower and haul ass out of the house. If we make this deal, you will stay with me. You will read the journals. You will make an effort. Are we in agreement?"

Not quite. He had his demands. I had my own. "I want to see Charlie and Emmett. Call them home."

"Prove you're committed to this, and I will."

* * *

What had I gotten myself into? What exactly were his expectations? We left that too open. Open was a bad thing with us. He would ask for more than I wanted to give. I would feel obligated to agree. He would take until there was nothing left of me. Our life was a rerun. I lost. He won. We were both unhappy.

The very second we stepped into his room, my regrets and fears multiplied. His bed was Texas big in a Rhode Island room.

The architect of my misery did nothing to ease my anxiety. "You'll feel better if we just get it over with."

Abstinence had become a thing between us. A big ol' dinosaur stuck in a tiny doll house kind of thing. I'd honestly rather have sex with a stranger. He wouldn't expect anything after we finished.

I searched for something – anything – to divert my attention. The wall color worked. "You painted."

"No."

He led me into the bathroom, leaving me only for a second while he turned on the shower. I crossed my arms over my chest and scratched at the mud dotting my elbows. Cleanliness was overrated.

"You look nervous," he observed.

"I don't know what you expect from me."

"It's up to you, but I suggest making use of the shower. It'll make you smell better."

Why was everyone so focused on my smell? It wasn't that bad. Just dirt and fishy water. "Will I be alone? Because you don't appear to be leaving."

"I'm undecided."

Big, unnecessary breaths. "You could at least make this easier for me."

The smile I loved and loathed reappeared on his lips. "I'm making this as easy for you as you've made it for me."

So my nerves were being amplified by him. Score one for Jasper. Deduct ten from me.

Alright. I could do this. Cowering would only amuse him. I was still that newborn who fed off humans and rolled in their blood. I hunted with the efficiency and violence of a shark.

Jasper moved to where he was a foot behind me. His desire hugged my body and clawed its way under my skin. "May I join you?"

I didn't expect him to ask. It made it so much easier to say no. "I'd rather you didn't."

"Perhaps tomorrow then."

His patience was appreciated, but my thoughts on him were still deep, frenzied stabs to the chest. Manipulated me. Used me. Poisoned me. Killed me.

Kissed me. Loved me.

Kidnapped me.

Where did that come from? Jasper? No. It was someone else. Someone larger.

The room darkened to night. Bathroom tiles turned to stucco walls in an empty alley. My wrist was locked in a bone crushing grip. I wasn't fast enough to flee or strong enough to fight him off. I was alone and frightened. Escape was impossible.

It wasn't happening now, but it happened sometime. The burst of memory lasted only a second, but it paralyzed me. Sound was trapped. I couldn't cry, scream, or sob. If I did, it would be for Jasper. He would save me.

My desired savior mistook himself for the source of my panic. "Bella, I would never -"

"It's not you. It's something else."

Whether he believed me or not, he left in a hurry. His retreat took him out of our bedroom and down two floors where I heard Demetri make a comment about his soiled appearance.

If possible, I felt worse with Jasper gone. A thousand stray thoughts pinballed around my skull and traveled the length of the rest of me. Most were tiny, yet painful thumps to my nervous system. The strings holding me together were fraying into nothing. Soon I would fall apart. That couldn't happen.

_Not here. Please not here._

I went through the motions of washing the mud away. It was a slow process meant to steady my nerves. I hoped for catharsis. Water was good for that, right? If so, it took longer than the twenty minutes I spent scrubbing my body, washing my hair, and wasting natural resources. The sense of terror was gone, but my agitation continued unabated.

Once clean, I faced another concern. I again left myself with no clothing or towels.

The frustration from that and everything else had me shaking. My request for help was a pained whisper. "Jasper, I need -"

Before I could finish, he cracked the door open and handed me what I required. "Already gotcha covered."

Was he being kind? Was that even a word in his dictionary? "Why are you being nice to me?" I asked him through the now closed door.

"I realized I haven't been doing much of that lately."

I heard Alice in one of the rooms below us make a crack that it was about time he stopped treating me like crap. Felix took the opposite stance and accused me of being a pain in the ass.

How could Jasper stand living here knowing everyone could hear us? I hated this ugly ass house. I should burn the fucker down and salt the earth around it. Nothing much lived here anyway. Dead occupants. No life. Strange love. Misery and moping. Fuck.

I was mentally cursing too much. I needed to eat a bar of soap or drink a bottle of body wash. What did Irish Spring taste like? Probably the ass end of a leprechaun.

My mate latched onto the flash of humor and amplified it. I didn't burst into girlish giggles or uncontrollable laughter, but I now had something to combat my turmoil. Jasper twisted its shape and expanded its coverage. It was a rare gift from the man caught between being an argument in my head and a prayer in my heart.

I pressed a hand to the door imagining it lining up with one of his own. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

With him working his magic to keep me in balance, I could move and think freely again. After dressing, I gave myself a quick once over in the mirror. Faded t-shirt and shorts, check. Hair neatly braided and out of my face, check. Not a stray drop of mud on me. It was a clean start.

Opening the door and crossing the threshold went smoothly. Listening to him speak did not. "You look ready to defile kitchen counters with your feet. All you're missing are lime green toenails and a plate of sliced fruit."

It took me a few seconds to catch on to what he meant. He specifically chose my clothes in an attempt to recall another day. Was it possible he figured out what was going on with me? If so, was this why he was helping me?

Whichever day it was, it left quite the impression on him. "Hearing you sing about sweet deliverance was the beginning of my end."

Was it? I needed to hear this song. "What's the title?"

"I think I'll let you figure that one out on your own."

The huskiness of his voice was maddening. Familiar but different. His scent was the same. I could never inhale again if I wanted to survive him. He already screwed up my spatial awareness. How could the ten feet separating us feel like two inches?

I took me until now to notice he was freshly showered. Like me, he left his hair to dry on its own. The wet tendrils made my fingers twitch. I wanted to run them through his hair and pull him in for a slow kiss. The one we shared a week ago was burned into my consciousness. In the quiet moments when the sun slept and the day became a memory, I replayed that night. It was then – and only then – that I gave free rein to my feelings for him.

Enough of this madness. I had to get a hold of myself.

I avoided eye contact and instead focused on the silver chain he was wearing. Judging by the outline under his shirt, a ring hung from it. This was a new addition. I had yet to see him wear any jewelry.

My attention was pulled another direction when Jasper held up a leather bound book. "Join me on the bed. I have something for you."

I said I would read the journals. That didn't mean I wanted to do it now. "Can it wait?"

"It's only a photo album. No reading. I thought we'd take this slow."

Being alone with him felt like anything but slow. "Why is Panama downstairs with Alice? I'd like to see him."

"Be honest. You want to use him as a barrier between us."

Pretty much, yes. "It beats getting spooked and running out on you." I nodded at the book. "Did you put that together?"

"You did."

He faced it my direction and opened the front cover. My sharp eyes covered the ten feet easily. I could see a younger version of Panama sitting with me on the floor of a bathroom. We were a bedraggled pair. He just had a bath, and I looked like I joined him in the water.

"This was a couple weeks after we got him. The boy finds mud like it's his job. Gets that from you I guess."

I was already overwhelmed with information and not feeling too inclined about adding to the mess. Still, I couldn't deny that my curiosity was peaked. What if looking at these pictures added some cohesiveness to what I learned earlier. It wasn't like they could cause me more turmoil than I felt a moment ago.

After joining Jasper on the bed and scooting up next to him, I dove right into the album. It was safer than letting his close proximity overrun my every thought.

The first series of shots showed Panama fighting to get out of some towels and then me trying to chase him down when he did manage to escape. In the last one, I was glaring at the photographer.

I must have taken the camera from him because the next series showed Jasper with our dog. He was as wet as I was. The most startling thing was how the scars on his face were less noticeable. His handsomeness was striking.

I glanced between the picture and the man. "I prefer seeing you in person to seeing you in pictures?"

"I find that hard to believe."

"The rest of us are marble statues. It's creepy."

I flipped through the pages and stopped when I saw Charlie. We sat together on the front step of the house in Forks with huge grins on our faces. It was different from the photos of him the Cullens had. In theirs, he gave off the appearance of a man uncomfortable in his skin. I now wondered if maybe he was just uncomfortable around the family.

I found another shot of me. In this one, I was sitting in a reclined position while reading a book. There was a ring on the middle finger of my left hand, and it was not the engagement ring Edward gave me. I went back through the previous pages and didn't see it. In all of them, I was wearing the one from Edward.

Where was this ring? That question became more important than anything. I turned the pages rapidly and saw it in each of the following pictures. From what I could tell, it was a simple wedding band.

Jasper keyed in on the change in me. "What did you see?"

"I'm still figuring that out."

I started over from the beginning and examined each photo. The second picture of him answered a question I had from the first moment I opened my eyes. Who was the man wearing the wedding ring? I had eliminated Jasper as a suspect because I hadn't seen him wear one, but his hand in this picture matched the one in my mind. I also noted that his ring resembled mine in both its color and simple design.

I did another sweep through the pages and saw it in every picture where that hand was visible. He never took it off. So where was it now? Where was mine?

I again looked at the outline of the ring under his shirt. "Is that yours or mine?"

His matter of fact tone revealed none of the emotions I knew had to be churning just under the surface. "It's yours. Mine was lost the same night I lost you."

Edward and Rosalie tore him apart. How could he not lose it? "I'm sorry."

He shrugged it off like it didn't matter. "It was just a ring."

No, it was not. It was ours. "When did I give it to you?"

The tight hold he had on his emotions slipped. My question wounded him as much as the loss of the ring itself. "You didn't. Can we talk about something else?"

Not yet. "I want to know who gave it to you. Was it another woman?"

"I stole it. That's it. Nothing special."

"You're angry."

He inhaled deeply and released the air in slow pulses before grinding out a response. "I'm not angry. I'm tired. I'm tired of you not knowing anything and me knowing everything. Can we leave it at that?"

"Almost. I'm assuming I wore my ring that last night. If so, how did you get it back?"

"The family left it on top of your bloodstained clothes in the house where Carlisle took care of you. Would you like to see them? They're in a box in the closet."

This was macabre even by our standards. "I don't know what bothers me more, you keeping the clothes or the family leaving them for you."

"Would seeing the photographs of your injuries help you decide? Those are in a box of their own."

They left him pictures? What the hell? "I can't believe they did that. It's cruel."

"They wanted the images burned into my memory. The swelling in your face. The bruising. Your shredded shoulder. They probably hoped it would inspire enough guilt that I wouldn't come for you. Obviously, it didn't work."

This was the difference between the kind of vampire Jasper was and the kind that represented the Cullens. They were a breed apart. He didn't feel the need to rationalize the damage he caused in the heat of the moment. He accepted it. I accepted it, too.

At least, I had until today. Memories of my human life created a crisis of faith so to speak. Humans were cattle right up until the moment I remembered being one. Still, shouldn't he have experienced some guilt over my loss? He did love me.

My eyes searched his out only to find him studying me with his usual stoic gaze. The absence of emotion was unsettling. "How can you not regret any of it?"

"I do regret that you escaped me. We would have had an easier time of it if you hadn't."

Maybe him, but not me. "I thought about that earlier. You know – about my life and how different I would be if I woke up with you instead of the Cullens."

"I think of that, too. Most newborns behave like starved feral cats. I looked forward to observing that side of you. I bet you were a handful."

"Never mind the cat crap. You would have brainwashed me."

"We call it conditioning."

"I call it fucked up."

"Where do you think religion, politics, and prejudice come from? Hell, even personality can be modified. All creators program their progeny. Our kind are no different."

His blasé attitude was upsetting to me. "You talk like you don't see anything wrong with it."

"I do and I don't. Your conditioning began when you were human. I never encouraged you to play follow the leader. I wanted you strong-willed and fierce. The proof sits here before me. You have become exactly what I needed you to be."

And it bit him in the ass on a daily basis, which I was beginning to suspect he enjoyed. "You want me to defy you, but you complain when I do."

"And what of it? The contradictions in our beliefs and actions make up large parts of who we are."

I disagreed. "Not everything is complicated. It's what we do that defines us."

"Don't quote Bruce Wayne's love interest. She was a fool with a narrow view of how the world really works."

"I didn't know I was quoting anyone. Regardless, my opinion stands."

"Then you're as full of shit as she was. If you want to know the heart of a man, you must first discover how he feels about what he does. What are his motives? What drives his urges?"

I had an idea of what he meant, but I didn't want to assume anything. "Give me an example."

"I once worked with illiterate adults trying to improve their career options. Let's just say the women with the teal earrings did not taste like the books I taught her to read."

Well damn. He had a point, which I was loath to admit. I conceded the argument by switching subjects. "Why mention her earrings?"

"I could talk about her tits if you like. They fit just right in my hands."

I kicked at him. "Not funny."

"No. That would be the former cheerleader I killed. Say it with me, sunshine. Two. Four. Six. Eight. Who do we exsanguinate?"

He was the most delightfully awful man I had ever met. "You're terrible."

"Possibly. Wanna hear why I picked her?"

Sure, why not? "Another charity case I'm guessing."

"Nope. After you left me for Florida, I went looking for someone to replace your voice in my head. Found a girl at a club. Black dress. Red shoes. Lime green toenails."

"So basically, you killed my feet."

"More or less. I had to get my hands on you some way. I'll say this, she sure lacked your appeal. Too skinny. Smelled like cheap perfume and stale liquor. I almost couldn't finish her."

Ahh. Poor baby. "I hope she tasted like dirt."

"Jealous?"

Hardly. "No, but you keep stroking that ego if it makes you feel good."

"Start doing it for me, and I won't need to."

I about split my sides laughing over his joking attempt at a leer. Damn. This was nice. "We're different when we're like this. I like it."

"We used to be like this all the time. I see you tonight like I did then. Your expression is the same. Your emotional signature is nearly identical. It's like you're here with me."

I was in a way. The events of the day changed me. It wasn't a complete reversion to who I was. That would never happen. Still, I recognized myself in the fragments and chipped pieces I collected in the last several hours. The old me and the new me shook hands, introduced themselves, and were now trying to figure out how to coexist.

Explaining this to Jasper was a scary proposition. His reaction was not something I wanted to deal with just yet. Knowing us, it would likely lead to a setback, something I wanted to avoid. It was time to move forward. The trick was doing it in the right way and at the right pace.

"Do you remember last week when you told me to fight hard, cheat smart, and show no mercy?"

"Yes," he answered warily. "Though that's probably not the best topic to discuss _here_."

I wasn't going where he expected. "You listened to me without letting our differences cloud your words. I need you to do that again."

Jasper closed the photo album I forgot we were looking at and set it on the nightstand. "I'm listening."

"You want me to read the journals, and I can see the benefits of doing so. I also think maybe I should do it a little at a time. An entry or two a day. Not just gobble them up all at once."

"I fail to see how that would make a difference."

It could make a huge difference. "Reacquainting myself with you through her words is cheating somehow. I know you compare me to her and find me lacking. I don't want to feel pressured to become someone I'm not in order to earn your approval."

"Is that the impression I've given you?"

It was. She was softer and kinder in ways I could never be. It was probably what drew him to her in the first place. She wasn't even a her. She was a me. I didn't want to choose between us. I wanted to combine us.

"I died, Jasper. Let that part of me stay that way long enough to see if you might like me better now. I can understand you in ways I never could before. Tell me stories about your past instead of asking me to read them. Talk to me. Stop telling me what you want, and start showing me who you are."

"No. Starting over wastes both our time. Smart developers use what they have to improve the end product."

Lord, he was hopeless. "I'm not talking about starting over, and don't compare building a relationship to product design. Are you really so convinced you can't make me fall in love with you again that you won't even try?"

Apparently so. Jasper stood up and headed for the door without saying a single word. Our conversation was finished.

I threw a pillow at him, nailing him square in the back. "Come on. You can't leave over that."

"Nah, you didn't run me off. I have business to attend to. Someone has to deal with Rosalie and Edward. Demetri will want to discuss the scout I killed and how it changes our plans. We have to finalize the war party for the New Mexico job. Maria's on her way home with the food for tomorrow. I've got shit to do."

"Now? But we're talking."

"And now we're not." He shrugged helplessly. "My life doesn't stop the minute you show up in it. Besides, this is going in a direction you won't like."

South never stopped him before. "Then take us in a different direction."

Was I actually begging him to stay and talk to me? This had to be a parallel universe.

I didn't much care. We were getting along. No awkwardness. No arguing. I wanted more. Perhaps even another kiss. Asking him to put everything off until tomorrow was right on the tip of my tongue. If I asked nicely, he would give me what I wanted. I was sure of it.

Too late. Jasper's last words were already on their way, and their arrival dynamited my own. "Oh and Bella, I don't have to make you love me again. You already do."

* * *

**Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I tinkered with the memory part quite a bit trying to find a balance that pleased me. What she remembered was less important than how it changed her. I hope it works for the reader, but it's impossible to guess at these things. **

******What else? Uhm. The kitchen counter scene Jasper was referring to is from the end of Ch 21. It was his first POV chapter.  
**

**It's good to be back again. I'm a bit rusty at this and a few other things, but I'm doing my best to get back on track. I can't promise weekly updates. That is a tough schedule to maintain and still produce a chapter I am proud of. The important thing is that I will be posting regularly again.  
**

**As always, thanks for reading, and another big thank you to those who review. I'm now going to break into an Easter basket and steal some candy. **

– **Cris**


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